towerofanimus | A robin redbreast in a cage

Entry tags:

A robin redbreast in a cage

Characters: Kirei Kotomine and YOU
Setting: Floor Thirteen. Floor Ninety-Six. Anywhere else you may want to grab him.
Format: Brackets.
Summary: After the last event, Kirei falters.
Warnings: Mentions of death, suicide, domestic abuse and self harm.

Floor Thirteen
[ There is no one to hear his confession.

The church is empty and dark; forsaken. His footsteps echo loudly as he walks down to the altar, and his head feels heavy. The motions he makes are stiff, methodical, and long trained. Once he reaches the altar, he bows, dropping to his knees then bringing his whole body forward. His palms touch the ground, and so do his lips, without any thought of how the floor has been left dirty and uncared for.

He means to rise, but he cannot bring himself to do it. His body is stiff and resistant, weighed down by the burden of his own trespasses.

He killed her, and he enjoyed it.

There is no redemption for a sin that vile. ]

Floor Ninety-Six
[ Kirei had found another man here once: the traitor Iscariot.

Judas said it would make him forget, and Kirei had doubted much about it. It was said to be only temporary, and this is by no means a proper penance. This will resolve nothing...

But perhaps if he stays long enough, it all will be erased, and in that he can also erase the threat of harm that comes with his existence. ]

Wildcard
[ Or, if you prefer, catch him wandering somewhere else. Feel free! ]

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[Riku is just climbing down the stairs with no particular destination in mind - he is still delighted by the fact that his magic and abilities are back properly under his own control, that he doesn't spent most of the day being utterly exhausted anymore - when he sense someone as he passes the 96th floor, the floor that is too familiar to his liking (he has a very good idea what other place might have helped inspiring it, but... he sure as hell isn't about to ask Riki about that).

It's a safe place, at least as far as monsters are concerned, but in other matters...]

...You shouldn't stay here for too long.

[ The sound of another voice stirs him. Usually, he would be more aware before he was interrupted, but his mind is too distracted, and that leaves him open.

The warning, while well intentioned, does not move him. ]

I am aware of the cost.

That is what brought me here.

[Riku stares at him for a moment, before he raises an eyebrow and leans against the door frame - unlike Kirei he has no desire to lose any of his memories.]

You want to forget?

I did something that cannot be forgiven. [ He hasn't been within the room long enough for its influence to show, so he speaks with full awareness. ] The weight of it may destroy me.

Have you never wished to erase a sin?

[Oh, he understands - there isn't much that's more unforgivable than destroying your own homeworld (accidentally or not); it may have been restored, but the act itself? It can't be erased.]

I've done things I don't think I can be forgiven for, no matter what. But I rather remember and try to attone - and maybe be a better person for it - than forget that it happened in first place.

That's just running away.

Perhaps. [ He says this quietly. He won't deny that he is running. ] But the error lies in my very nature; I cannot change it myself. I have tried that before -- again and again.

But perhaps it can be erased from me.

The effects of this floor are only temporary.

[Just warning him, from what he's heard of this floor, from what he's experienced, the effects wear off with time (thankfully enough) and even if he forgets, even if he runs... this will catch up with him again.]

What kind of error are we talking about here anyway?

[He might as well try to help, if he's already here - and save this guy the pain of remembering things all over again.]

[Claudia doesn't care for this floor herself, for her own reasons, but since her return from the labyrinth, she has made a point to pass through here from time to time. After what happened, she needs to speak to Kirei. Maybe, if she's lucky, she'll be able to catch him in this place.]

[Or, at least, that's what she has told herself. But when she finally steps into the cathedral and finds him bent to the floor, her first impulse is to freeze. She almost feels as though she has been struck around the middle; the only thing that keeps her standing is the way her feet have been nailed to the floor.]

[...It's strange that she hasn't run into him before now. Their rooms are much closer together than they were before. Now, pinned to the spot, she wonders if she hadn't been trying to avoid this confrontation after all.]

[She can't avoid it, though. She forces herself to step forward, body feeling hollow but for the anxious buzzing inside her limbs.]

Kirei.

[This floor swallows up sound, so she doesn't speak until she is very near to where he kneels. Even then, she can't bring herself to put much force into her voice as she calls his name.]

[ He barely hears her before she comes too close to him. The sound of his name on her lips builds tension between his shoulder blades, and his hands slowly tighten against the floor.

He doesn't rise. He should not look on her. ]

You should not be here.

[ Truthfully, it's Kirei who doesn't belong: this dark thing that is his has no place within God's walls. ]

[There's no immediate reply. She could be assessing the situation—but in truth, she doesn't know what to do or feel now, so her silence is more numb than thoughtful as she watches him. Finally:]

No. We should talk.

[She takes a step away from him, then, but she doesn't go far. Instead, she merely moves to the frontmost row of pews.]

[ He stays as he is for a moment that drags into several seconds. Slowly, he rises, but he does not climb to his feet. He stays on his knees, staring forward, and he is not sure what he feels.

He enjoyed it: killing her.

Did he not know she would return? That is the law of this place. Does it make it better, to try to brush aside the depths of his shame by saying it is not really death? No. It does not eliminate his guilt; it does not change his trespasses. ]

It will make no difference.

I cannot be absolved.

I wasn't helpless then. If I had chosen to, I could have fought back.

But, I chose otherwise.

[She says that, the last of her words faintly pointed in their delivery, but she doesn't beckon him closer. If he wants to keep his distance, she won't tell him to do otherwise. Instead, she merely sits, her hands folded loosely in her lap.]

Besides, there's something I want to ask you.

[ Something in that reply stills him. He somehow doesn't consider that possible. His hands clench against his knees.

Why would she want to let herself die?

He doesn't ask that, however. He lets her speak instead. ]

I will answer whatever you wish.

I just... I don't understand. I didn't understand when you told me you wanted to kill me, and I don't understand now. So, I'd like to hear an explanation from you. About... About why.

[There's a beat, and then, almost reflexively, she adds:]

I'm sorry.

Edited 2014-03-09 17:57 (UTC)

[ 'Why.' ]

Because I have never wanted anything else.

[ His whole life has been spent searching, and this darkness is the only thing that has ever proven satisfactory.

His hands clench, and his voice becomes lower, tighter and more desperate. ]

Because I am an empty man, whose only pleasure is to inflict pain.

It is all I have.

[When he gives his answer, there's no shock that strikes her. Instead, she simply runs those words through her mind again and again, sitting silent and still in their wake. No matter how many times she repeats them to herself, though, they become no easier for her to comprehend; grasping that desire is like trying to clutch water in her fists.]

[Eventually, she says:]

...I'm sorry. I don't think that's something I'll ever be able to understand. But...

[But what? She isn't sure.]

If I could help you...

[Her hands tighten in her lap. It doesn't matter what she would do for him, if she could. She can't even understand this thing that burdens him. What can she possibly offer him, then?]

[ That actually causes him to turn.

He still does not rise, not fully, but he does have to lift one knee to properly twist himself towards her. ]

How?

[ The very idea seems surreal. ]

This cannot be helped.

I don't know. I probably — I probably can't do it, if there is a way. I just wish that I could, that's all.

[Of course, what she wishes makes no difference. Words and what-ifs are the only things she can offer. At the thought, she bites her lip.]

Why--

[ Something in him seems threatening to buckle. His hands clench into fists, and his head bows down again. He cannot look at her. Her offer is impossible. Surreal.

He killed her. Not only that, he enjoyed it. He killed her for no reason other than his own pleasure; his own delight. He had felt her die and he had swallowed up her screams.

He loved the act of killing her in ways he had never loved her as his wife. ]

Why do you continue to--

[ His tone seems between angered and despaired. His jaw clenches, and the cathedral walls echo his accusation. ]

Why do you waste yourself on me?

[At the sound of his voice, she flinches and averts her gaze. However, that response is one of guilt rather than hurt; when they talk, she only upsets him, and she isn't sure what honest answer she can give him now that won't make that upset worse.]

[When she finally speaks again, her voice is gentle but unwavering.]

...I'm not wasting myself. It's not like caring about you means I have to care about other people less. You're not happy with your feelings, are you? So of course I wish there were something I could do, when I see that.

[She pauses briefly, then adds another apology.]

I'm sorry, but I can't change that.

Claudia...

[ He keeps his gaze downward. Of course, she would not let him go -- that is who she is. Good. Forgiving. Saintly. ]

I cannot change either.

[ He knows this, for certain now, there is no escaping the darkness in him. ]

[Kariya looks up when Kirei enters. He's not seated in the chair, but kneeling on the floor, cradling a doll with long, dark hair.

He hasn't been here for very long, but when he regards Kirei, it's without recognition in his eyes and a faintly surprised expression on his face.]

Oh, hello.

[ Kirei has come here expecting to face his decision alone -- and he's surprised to find the room not only occupied, but by a familiar face. ]

Kariya.

[ He glances down, noticing the doll in the man's hands, before focusing on his face again. ]

Do you still remember me?

Yes. You--know me?

[He shakes his head as he looks up at the tall priest.]

No, I don't. Should I? Ah--I guess I should, if we know each other.

[He smiles, faintly, and without much actual amusement.]

I'm sorry.

[ Kirei frowns.

Kariya doesn't know him. In that case, will he also have forgotten Claudia? Then there is nothing to gain by confessing to him. There will be no horror, anguish or rage. The names will mean nothing.

Why does he think that? He has come here to make penance and still he seeks an opportunity for harm... he truly is damned. ]

My name is Kirei Kotomine -- I suppose it doesn't matter.

It may be better this way.

I know that name...

[He's not sure where he heard it at the moment, frowning as he tries to recall. It's definitely familiar, though.]

Do you think so? No, I should remember. I'm not sure why I can't. It'll come back to me...

[He doesn't know why he's here, in this room, but he does remember much of the Tower. It's the past month that he wanted to forget, but more memories are being stripped away as he waits here.]

You shouldn't concern yourself.

[ But something urges him on. Kariya, confused and weak before him, fuels the very urge he came here to suppress. ]

Another name then: do you remember Claudia?

[Judas steps onto the cathedral floor, fingers curled around the outermost layer of his robes. He twists the fabric between them, never quite sure if he should be there. But still, he likes it here. Missing so many, it's his only way to feel connected with them again. Even though he knows, he really isn't. It's a nice thought, at least.

When he gets closer to the front and spots Kirei bent before the altar, he stops. The priest he'd met before, isn't it? That makes sense. Normally he might flee, but Kirei had been kind enough to him, he'll just try not to get in the other man's way. He takes a seat in the front pew, looking up at the ceiling.]

[ When he hears Judas' approach, he takes his time before he turns towards him. With no rush, he lifts his head and glances at the pew. Recognizing him immediately, Kirei's lips twist.

It's suiting, isn't it, that this man would find him here. Kirei's own betrayal is nowhere near as extreme, but the victim of his assault was just as saintly.

Unbidden, he speaks: ]

How do you bear it?

[Surprised to be addressed, Judas turns to Kirei.]

...What do you mean, exactly?

[He's fairly sure he knows. But the question came without context, as a surprise. He shakes his head. No there isn't really any point in asking that. He knows.]

I have no choice but to. Death didn't spare me. There's no further way out. Facing him is greater torture than Hell. In comparison, Hell is comforting, receiving exactly what's deserved gives some strange hope for a better future.

[ He accepts that with silence for a moment. Rising to his feet seems like far too heavy a task, so he remains as he is. ]

And what if he was here?

How would you face him?

I...I don't know. Before this place, I did, and many times. But it was never easy. Now that it's been so long, it would be even more so...

[He hangs his head, pausing momentarily.]

Probably by running.

[ Running.

It's almost laughable, if the situation were no so grim. In theory, the Tower is large; he could last quite a while without coming in contact with Claudia... but that is no solution. ]

I do not believe that is possible.

I cannot outrun my crimes.

[Judas turns to Kirei, surprised.]

Your crimes?

[He can't help but laugh. It's inappropriate, he know, but, there's just something funny about the situation...]

A priest asking Judas advice, then.

[ Kirei frowns a little then, as Judas laughs, his head bowing. ]

It seemed suitable, when the sin is treachery.

[ especially when against someone who is practically a saint ]

...Ah. I'm sure plenty of people have earned a place in Judecca while in this tower. You shouldn't blame yourself, these circumstances force terrible things on us. They can't be helped.

But I know guilt well. Facing them is never simple, and having forgiveness can be all the worse. For me, I thought it meant I could be 'part of the group' again, but being with them I know I'm just an outsider. They say it's not true, but I know they hate me, they don't trust me. So I won't lie to you and say it will be alright. It hurts, constantly.

It could have been helped. If I were capable of restraint.

[ He states this bluntly, his gaze lowering again as he considers Judas's words. This man knows betrayal more deeply than Kirei can even fathom... but did he enjoy it, the way Kirei did?

That is doubtful. For that, his sin is deeper. ]

You are right; I do believe forgiveness would be worse... and I am sure she would give it without hesitation.

[ Which makes his sin even darker. ]

[ Urotsuki doesn't know why she's here, really. Churches don't mean a whole lot to her and neither does the act of repenting - she doesn't regret things, she just blames them on others at best. (Even if that might not always be entirely accurate.)

But she was out exploring and just happened to stumble across this floor. And across the man sitting there on hands and knees and...

...

The girl slowly blinks. Especially since the guy doesn't move, even though she looks for a while. ]

Are you stuck?

[ Surprise is what causes him to lift his head. It isn't as if he expected complete solitude, but the question strikes him as odd. On his knees in the cathedral, what else would he be doing?

Of course, there are those in the Tower who know nothing of God; he's learned that well enough. So, he answers honestly. ]

No. I'm praying.

Oh. [ A completely blank response, like she's merely trying to take in the fact. It takes a moment or two before she finally continues, walking closer towards where the man is. ]

Do you really need to do that to pray? God must be pretty strict.

[ Kirei straightens himself up a bit, so he's not entirely prone on the ground, as he replies to her. ]

No. It isn't necessary; it's what I chose to do.

God's teachings are involved, but strict is not correct -- not if you are a good man.

[ which Kirei is not. ]

Have you never prayed?

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A robin redbreast in a cage

Floor 96

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floor 13

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I used the RNG to pick a floor and it gave me 96 first try

IT'S FATE

FATE JOKES NEVER GET OLD

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floor 13

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aaand i missed this notif; i apologize

floor 13

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