towerofanimus | Endgame: Gathered on This Beach of the Tumid River

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Endgame: Gathered on This Beach of the Tumid River

Characters: open
Setting: all around the Tower from the 25th of May to the 1st of June
Format: any
Summary: A general mingle for all characters throughout the Tower.
Warnings: Standard Animus warnings; please note anything specific in the subject headers of your threads

[The Tower is stagnant, the only signs of activity confined to the second block. There isn't much time left; it might be a good idea to rest and do whatever strikes your fancy before the timer hits zero.]

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Neither do I. [Grainne pulls her bag close in, as if she's protecting herself.] I am dead on my world. I do not get another chance. If I did through a miracle, I would still fail. There is Archer, and Berserker, and the others to get through.

[Her control is tight, but so is her voice with the checked emotions.]

And I would still go, because I started it and I need to finish it. And if I did manage to win by some amazing fluke, now I will be wrestling with my conscience on whether to bring him back to a world more cruel than anything we had experienced, or destroy the Grail.

Knowing the truth, I would likely destroy the Grail and myself with it. I know I couldn't be with him if I brought him back, and leaving him alone even though he does not love me would be cruel. And I cannot lead another life alone, I will not.

[She pauses, swallowing once and glancing around at the room before going on.]

So no matter what I do, this is the closest I can come to my original wish. It has turned out exactly as I expected and nothing what I had hoped, with the addition I am not given the chance to... leave. And yet I have to do everything I can to see this end the way so that people can return home.

[Saying a lot, saying so little. Grainne doesn't even try to hide she is leaving much of it unspoken. Her thoughts and feelings, what she meant by "the truth." It probably only leaves more questions, and is still the best she can do.]

A more fitting hell, I cannot think of.

[Waver understood what little she had said, and understood there was clearly far more going on than she'd said. Silence passed for a short time as he chose his next words cautiously and spoke slowly.]

If the Grail was destroyed...then he wouldn't have to fight anymore. You wouldn't have to fight anymore. That is the only wish that artifact can grant, and it can only be granted when it ceases to exist.

I've spent the last decade of my life planning to dismantle it for his sake and that of every other casualty that the Holy Grail War ever has or ever could have seen. I have to get home with him so that we can see it done and end that cycle of misery for human and heroic spirit alike.

[Waver paused to think again, straightening out his hair before tying it back into place.]

If you say you want to destroy it--and if you say you have no chance in your world--please. Come back with us if that opportunity should present itself. I don't think that I can support two Servants, but surely we'll be able to work something out. If you want that wish granted even if only in that measure...then I want you to consider helping us.

Edited 2014-06-02 21:10 (UTC)

No.

[There is little hesitation before she answers, though it is not sharp, just firm.]

I will not go with you.

...Look, if this is about some form of jealousy, I won't fault you for that. Hell, I'd even say you were in the right if that's the case.

But if that isn't it, then why not?

No. In that, you are correct... it is the reason why I have avoided you two as much as I can. If I went with you and completed the task, if I tried to return to my rest, you know he would not allow that. I would end up hating him, you, everyone I ever meet in that world.

This... was about me trying to be a better person as much as it was bringing him back. Coming here has shown me I failed in that, too.

Fucking hell, Grainne, you sound just like him. You didn't fail a damn thing! First of all, anyone else in your position would probably be beating the shit out of me in a jealous rage, and given the circumstances I might just let them--frankly, you're a fucking saint for putting up with any of this at all.

[Waver dropped his voice to something less harsh, though it was still strained by exhaustion and annoyance.] Secondly, I don't know if any Servant can exist if the Grail's destroyed, so who's to say you both wouldn't be going the same way once all's said and done?

[Grainne frowns at him, something dark settling comfortably close to the surface in her eyes. Anger? Rage, perhaps, barely muted.

Perhaps she just doesn't care anymore. Waver is stubborn, she knew that, but to keep trying to get her to go-- what is his motive?

Studying him for a long moment, her posture relaxes slowly. Her voice is low and soft now as something inside gave way.]

If I did, I do not think he would ever forgive me, and then I would have to live with that. Do not think just because I have not acted on my feelings does not mean I do not wish to. Do I sound like him now?

I cannot take that chance. If I can be as frank to you, what happens to me is not your responsibility, nor is it his. He who never gives up gave up on me and abandoned what little feeling he had for me in his hour of despair and I freed him of all responsibility forever. Your guilt for following your own heart drives you to make the offer you have.

I do not want anyone's pity or feeble attempts at making recompense for slights they think they have made. It is insulting. And what is worse; he wished to work together despite the pain it would cause me. He never bothered to know my heart else he would have never wanted that; he was too afraid.

And the most damning of all... The mistakes made were mine in the beginning, for daring to fall in love with the wrong person. [She laughs softly, bitterness hinting at the edges.] Falling in love is the worst thing anyone can do to another. It is why I never did it again.

It has all lead to more mistakes and more, until I am here like this, making more mistakes. It is my fault and the easiest solution for me is to accept my fate once and finally, and let it go.

Take him and be happy for whatever amount of time life grants you.

It's--I'm--

[Waver faltered for a moment, so thoroughly frustrated that words failed him completely. For a minute he wasn't sure which part of Grainne's words to address before firing back in a harsh whisper the magus hoped wouldn't be overheard.]

Yes, I feel absolutely goddamn terrible about everything. I'm not going to argue that for a second. But it's not fucking pity making me ask you, it's that I don't think I can do this. How am I supposed to destroy the Holy Grail? If it's even possible, how the fuck am I going to pull that off without dying or getting a Sealing Designation? I talk like I know what I'm doing because I don't want Diarmuid to realize how completely unlikely it is. I need help, Grainne--I can't do this alone and I'm not even sure I can do it with him.

If you don't want to come back because of either of us, fine. I can understand that completely. But even though I do feel guilty, don't assume you really understand why I'm asking what I am.

[Grainne had been about to turn to leave when he starts, another flash of anger and this time it does not go away.]

So what makes you think I can help you any better? If you have so low self confidence in yourself, then quit. Let the War continue.

Didn't you ever listen to him? Heroes don't give up, even when they're sure they will fail and are afraid-- no, talk to him about that, not me. I am not a hero. I am not a knight. I have already given up on my own task. I would not do even half as well on a task I have no passion for. Leave me be.

I don't give a shit, I'm not a hero either. And you just fucking said not even five minutes ago that you'd destroy the Grail--if we have the same goal, why shouldn't we make an attempt to work together?

In my own world, yes, I would try.

[Irritation clouds her judgement too much to hold herself in check now. Whirling around, she summons her cloak and veil concealing the look on her face. Disbelief. He said he understood... so why didn't he understand?]

...Why shouldn't we? Why. Shouldn't. We. Because I already hate both of you enough.

Bullshit, you do. If you hated us, this conversation would have ended when I asked why you were even talking to me, wouldn't it?

[She is quiet for a long time. Even she doesn't understand why she lets the silent moment linger for so long, all she knows is the anger bubbling up inside.]

Do not mistake my intent to fulfill my wish with how I feel now. I will never forgive him for having to be a hero or a perfect knight at the expense of everything else, or for allowing me to believe he loved me the same as I did him.

What I want right now is to be able to say when death comes for me again, that I kept to my word this time.

Oh my god, you're both thick in the fucking head. You loved him, he loved you, and neither of you thought the other did. What a goddamn clusterfuck.

Not true. Until I came here, I had never lost faith that he did, despite my worry and what I prepared myself for. It is his own words that changed it.

[Her words come with a sad realization. Confused, emotional, and depressed as she was during her war, she still held hope for the future. Now, what does she have?]

You probably do not know, but he and I spoke twice since that day in the ballroom. He told me to tell my Diarmuid of the secret I have kept so long, that it would come as a relief and his love for me would "grow unfettered by fear and doubt." He was trying to help me to find the right words to say in case I was successful back home. "He is the same, he is different, I cannot judge." But I can.

If he ever had, it would never need to grow. It would not have been so easy to let go of. I believe he only wished he did because of our circumstances and something he had never even told me until I arrived here.

He might be angry for me saying this, but he never swore me to secrecy either. He has never spoke to you of the woman that killed herself in front of him because of his curse, has he? When he told me that I did not want to believe it, because then that was the reason why he left with me, and our entire life together was because he did not want to have another death like that on his conscience. Maybe he held affection for me and cared for me, but in the end, it is as I said earlier. He never bothered to know my heart like he has yours.

It is at this juncture that it's better to forget any of it has occurred, Waver. He has found something, let him be happy without any more of this. Are we done now?

...

[That was so much to process that Waver was at a complete loss.]

I-...

[Sighing, Grainne shakes her head.]

You wanted to know what was unspoken. Let me be now.

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Endgame: Gathered on This Beach of the Tumid River

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