I got so brave

[uprisings]

Characters: Summoner and Handmaid
Setting: Stairs and then… elsewhere?????
Format: Action????
Summary: The Summoner looks at his life and his choices. The Handmaid gets an earful about it
Warnings: Romantic incompetence. Everywhere

[He should really get more in the habit of thinking before he does anything]

[This is, of course, not the first time he’s come up with this truly revolutionary new plan for his life, and indeed it will not be the last. He is nothing if not stubbornly incapable of weighing the pros and cons of a decision before slamming into it face first. Kiss first? This is really not a situation he ever thought he’d find himself in, and he is uh… quite distracted this evening, rolling back and forth between whether he is still 0kay with what all happened with the Highblood or not]

[And well… being distracted, while climbing stairs, with dat rack? Only bad things can come of this. Watch out…]

Comments

[uprisings]

[Yup. Works just fine. Even if she is too warm for him to properly imagine, he makes do. It's nice to just have someone to cling to when the entire platform upon which he has built his life is in the midst of collapse :T]

[Kind of... nuzzles her dress??? And pulls his legs up onto the couch, curling in towards her even more. Slowly turning into a useless ball of emotion and shivering]

[entropied]

[She is having a complete and utter internal freak out right now. She's never been this close to someone or this affectionate with anyone, but at some point instinct kicks in and she slips an arm around him loosely. She wants him to stop freaking out and just be all confident and stupid and frustrating again. What are they even doing?]

[uprisings]

[They are participating in the palest of troll rituals okay shut up and enjoy it Handmaid]

[But wow okay he... doesn't feel better exactly when she she puts her arm around him. That whole thing about how he's a failure who can do nothing to help his people is still definitely a giant, hollow space in his chest methodically eating him alive. But he does feel... more real? It's strange. Hard to put into words, so he doesn't bother, instead making another one of those high throat sounds. This one is... more satisfied though. Distressed, yes, but encouraging her to just... you know... stay there. Exist for him. That'll be good enough. That's all he needs]

[entropied]

[The panic is subsiding, if not her nerves. This actually is sort of nice, in an oddly frightening way. That noise makes her feel like she's doing something wrong, or not doing something right, and she doesn't want him to leave, not that she'll let herself admit it. As strange as this all is, she's horribly starved for affection. After another second or so of internal debate, she tightens her grip on him into an actual (if not awkward) hug.]

[uprisings]

[Oh good, well then... in the apparent tradition of this exchange, he escalates it even further, scootching up a little so his head's against her shoulder instead of her ribcage, and wrapping his free arm around her]

[And he hmm's faintly. He's... settled. Comfortable. And also apparently gives no fucks that he's clinging to her like a tiny lost child at the moment...!]

[entropied]

[Oh. This sure is a thing that's happening, and she has no idea what to do with it. For a second she considers asking him what the hell he's doing, but even though she knows she's going to regret all of this later and hate herself for it, she doesn't want to ruin it. It's nice to be needed, and nicer to be needed in a way that isn't destroying lives and causing chaos. Not that she knows what to do now.]

[uprisings]

[Tis okay. He doesn't really... expect her to do anything else. He is mostly just going to sit here and shiver and wonder about the purpose of his life for awhile. He keeps sort of... almost losing touch with reality, rolling himself up in memories and old conversations he used to have with his moirail. Their various feelings jams and how those went, and how trivial it all feels against... this... empty, broken, useless feeling here]

[But every time he starts forgetting to breathe, he remembers the Handmaid here and comes back to himself. Deep breaths. Keep going, keep going. His moirail probably would have told him not to let this break him. Nothing can break him, he is too good for that]

[It feels entirely hollow even if it keeps him afloat for now...]

[entropied]

[She's thinking entirely different thoughts, like how enraged Lord English would be. But if he isn't here, and their world is destroyed (and maybe, just maybe, he was with it), she could be different here. Maybe not normal, since a majority of the trolls she's met aren't worth socializing with, but free. For the most part. She can't leave the tower, and she can't die, but there's no one dictating her every move here.

So, very experimentally, the Handmaid wraps her other arm around him and makes this totally an official hug. Or maybe an official snuggle. He is kind of clinging to her there, but she doesn't hate it, which is saying a lot.]

[uprisings]

[Fuck yeah, this is an official snuggle to him okay okay. And since he didn't expect her to do anything else, he's surprised enough when she does that he opens his eyes and shifts a little bit to look at her. His voice is... miserable and barely there but...]

Thank you...

[...WHICH IS REALLY a stupid thing to say since it's her fault he's doing this at all, but... she could have just walked away instead of sticking around, so I guess he's thanking her for that]

[Or something. Lord, he's a wreck]

[entropied]

[Another first! For a second, she looks shocked, then distinctly uncomfortable. The Handmaid has no idea what he's thanking her for, since yeah, this is her fault in the first place. She bites her lip and averts her eyes, shrugging. What the hell is she even supposed to say to him?]

[uprisings]

[...nothing. Would be good, yeah. He doesn't really expect an answer anyway and a moment later, he's back to leaning against her, eyes closed, drifting between real and not, trying to figure a way to fix himself]

[Man, Handmaid, you are really gonna have to shove him off if you ever want free reign of your body again lskjdflj This whole clinging thing is not going to stop anytime soon]

[entropied]

[She's starting to realize that, but for the moment she's still mostly okay with this. And anyway, part of her knows that as soon as she pushes him off and leaves she's going to have to think about what this means, and she isn't quite ready to do that yet.]

[uprisings]

[...baww Handmaid. Well as time goes on, he kind of... stops quivering at least. His mind isn't any more organized, but the sudden, numb panic reaction has finally worked its way through his body. This is probably not to his benefit in the long run since it was only the OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD thing that was keeping him from crashing completely. But for now he feels... slightly more normal. Only slightly though, and that's obvious in the weird distance in his voice, like he's not really talking to her at all, instead simply voicing a thought to the empty air]

So what do I do now...

[entropied]

[She's pretty much been asking herself that for the last month. For a long moment, she doesn't respond.]

I don't know.

[uprisings]

Me neither...

[Well... you're no help at all, Handmaid...! That'll show him for trying to get advice from strangers!!! Or something. Honestly he doesn't really feel like that. He's just kind of... restless now, and he shifts like he might finally leave her alone... Except another wave of... apathy hits him before he gets too far, and so he's back to leaning on her again. No really. What is he supposed to do now...]

[entropied]

Alternia is gone anyway.

[Or at least, she's praying it is. She's starting to get a bit restless, too, because that panic is taking over now.]

[uprisings]

[...this is the opposite of what he wants. Although he supposes if he fails in the end... maybe it doesn't matter. If the highbloods really can't be taken down, maybe that's the best thing for them. To all be dead]

[Wow, he hates that that thought even crossed his mind, and he... doesn't respond, kind of locking his jaw and trying to wrestle with all this sudden existential despair]

[entropied]

[Yup that was the extent of her comforting skills. Now she's just sort of... Shifting uncomfortably...]

[uprisings]

[...feels her shifting around and... Hm. He doesn't really want to let her go. Like at all. But... courtesy... He's sure she doesn't appreciate him getting all this grow pale snuggly shit on her, and besides he has... sleep he needs to go catch up on. Or something]

[Loosening up one arm is a huge struggle though. He just wants to stay, but... she wants to leave. He has to work this out on his own, remember... Right. Yeah]

[entropied]

[Part of her feels guilty for leaving him, but she is in full freak out mode. Now she's all out squirming. For some reason, she can't bring herself to push him away.]

[uprisings]

[... )8 He really wishes she would push him off because he's fighting with himself about letting her go and it's... stupidly hard. Far too hard considering he only barely knows her and she just gave him the worst news he's ever heard in his entire life]

[But... once she starts really squirming he takes... a deep breath and lets go, slowly... pushing himself away. Keeps his eyes lowered cause he's pretty sure if he looked at her, he'd either feel even worse or he'd grab her again. Right... Dealing with this alone...]

[entropied]

[That gets to her again, and she's too stupid to fix it so she just... Stares down at her hands. Why does she care about him? She didn't feel any pity for him when she watched him be captured. Is that what this is? Pity? She can't feel pity for another troll. That isn't the way she was raised, or the way she's wired. They're all the same: Too easy to rile up and too willing to get themselves and everyone around them killed. None of her species is even worth it.

...But he and the Sufferer are trying to better their species, and even if they're stupid for trying, she has to admit it's brave. And what has she done? Made everything they've ever worked for that much harder and ensured their failure and gruesome deaths. The Handmaid lets out a shaky breath and rakes her hands through her hair, curling in on herself slightly. It was so much easier when she didn't have to think, when all she cared about was dying.]

[uprisings]

[Oh man. Okay the shaky breath draws his attention despite his desperate attempts to leave her in peace. And the way she's sitting. It just... drags at him. You couldn't help anyone at home, and now you've made this lady miserable by hanging on so long. Fuck]

[Fuck. He reaches out, but... his hand stutters halfway there and sort of... drops awkwardly onto the couch between them. Palm up. An offering. He wants to help. He just wants to help... as many people as he can...]

[entropied]

[It's clear that she's too busy having her own internal breakdown to notice that gesture. English isn't here, but she still can't die. What does that leave for her? What can she possibly do?]

[uprisings]

[...HANDMAID NO. AUGHSKDFLKJSDF he's just. Watching her flip, and feeling his own rush of OH GOD WHAT DO coming back. Flipping with her. This is a mutual flip that is happening right now]

[His voice practically cracks trying to get her attention: ]

Coleta.