towerofanimus | ❝I can't help but fear I've done this wrong❞

Entry tags:

❝I can't help but fear I've done this wrong❞

Characters Willow (

wwaterboy). CLOSED.
Setting: Initially the floor with the pool, but somewhere else after that.
Format: Action tags, I guess?
Summary: Massively backdated, the fallout of Willow fighting the Grand Highblood and getting a little darker with her magic than she should.
Warnings: Grief and addiction recovery, like normal, and also probably mentions of graphic violence.

[Willow hadn't let herself react to what she was doing while she was doing it. She knows how crises work, has gone through so many of them it doesn't make her head ring anymore, barely makes her freeze at all. But her preferred survival technique of putting off the consequences has a price: it all hits her at once, crashes around her ears and into her head the second she turns to leave the pool room, threat taken care of. Her bag is left carelessly forgotten on the floor behind her in a smear of purple and indigo blood, just a dab of red.

She has to hold it together, she can't lose it yet. She's not in the clear. Her voice is still flat, as it'd been while she was grandstanding and fighting and flinging magic around, but now it's lined with tension.] It's time to leave, [she says, stopping almost to the door with her back to the room. She's stopping to wait for Eridan.] I'm done here.

[She doesn't think she can do this any longer.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Awww, he's really kind of awkward about this, isn't he? It was funny how he seemed to waver between being overeager and completely unsure, but Willow could empathize with the feeling. She often found herself caught between the same thing.

She lets him go without protest this time, and turns away herself to grab a change of clothes out of the chest.]

[He hadn't expected it, but he doesn't even have a breakdown. He hurries to his respite block, grabs a change of clothes - and tries not to leave too much blood around the room for Taiki to pass out over - and has a thorough shower.

Then he walks back to Willow's room and knocks, nervous and fidgeting. Maybe she's changed her mind in the twenty minutes he's been gone. Maybe he should have researched human romance before getting to this point. Maybe he's a big finned waste of space and should just go crawl into a hole and die before he screws this up]

[She really did feel better now that she was clean and in her PJ's, a pair of gray lounge pants and an overly large cotton basketball jersey done in bright red and white. As she waited for him to return, she sat on her bed, taking the chance to meditate for the several minutes she had.

Though it wasn't long, it did bring home to her how badly she needed to meditate for real, sometime in the near future. The black magic from earlier was still roiling around inside of her, waiting for an opportunity Willow couldn't afford to give it. It preyed on her guilt and uncertainty, her feelings of loneliness, things that were never too far from the surface for her.

The knock interrupted her at just the right moment, when she was getting melancholy. She jerks unsteadily to her feet and rushes over to open it, grateful for the change of thought. She breaks into a shy smile when she sees him there.] Hey, you. [Taking one of his hands, she draws him into the room and closes the door behind him.]

[Oh wow, she looks cute. He's wearing his usual clothing, and takes her hand uncertainly, squeezing and returning the shy look with a very faint smile of his own. He glances around the room, chewing his lower lip with one fang]

Hey yourself.

What's that look for?

[She tugs him toward her bed, walking backward so she's still facing him.] Come on, sit with me. Sitting and being normal, remember?

Oh right, I forgot. [He's growing more nervous the closer they get to her sleeping rectangle, but he doesn't pull away. He sits down and takes her hand, fidgeting]

[They sit side by side on the edge, and she tries to soothe him by rubbing her thumb back and forth over the back of his hand.]

Talk to me, [she says, a bit quietly.] Are you really nervous about this? [Now that Willow's put herself out there, officially gotten herself into this, she isn't going to hold back. She's comfortable being supportive, would much rather be thinking about this than what she'd been doing earlier.]

[He feels like an idiot. Really, he is a complete idiot. He draws in a breath and lets it out, staring down at their entwined hands]

I... I don't wwant to disappoint you. That's all.

Oh, honey, you won't disappoint me. I know that I'm not... completely over Tara, and it makes me mopey and-- and withdrawn, but that's nothing about you.

I don't want anything from you but who you already are. Okay?

Okay. [He doesn't sound like he believes her in the least.

They're sitting on her bed, and he's pretty sure he knows what's going to happen next, and the whole thing fills him with dread. What if he panics in the middle? He's probably going to get himself dumped before he's even begun. He hasn't even considered the possibility that their anatomy might be different, he's just worried about his own reactions.

He's just waiting for her to do something, and the anticipation is killing him. Should he start? Maybe it'd be better if he started. He'd feel more in control.

Okay.

Here goes.

He leans a little closer, as if to kiss her, then his fins flatten and he leans away again.]

Fuck... Wwill, I don't knoww if I can do this right noww.

Wha-- do what? What are we doing? [It takes a moment for it to click, because Willow hasn't been thinking about having sex at all, assumes it's some ways off for them. But the contextual cues are there, and soon she's alarmed. It seems like the second they made it official, he'd started putting all sorts of pressure on himself.

Almost like... he'd never done this before. Which wasn't implausible.] We don't have to do anything, [she says urgently, trying to reassure him,] not now or ever if you don't want to.

Is this... your first time having a, a matesprit?

[His fins are still flat in that panic reaction that he hates, and his eyes are slightly wide, but now she's saying they don't have to do it, not now or ever - which seems a bit ridiculous, but is reassuring even still.

Slowly he relaxes and his fins come up a fraction of an inch]

Wwe don't? I...I mean, I wwant to, really. I just...

[He droops]

...it's my first time, havvin' a matesprit, yeah.

[Willow would be lying if she said that she didn't want to get physical ever, but she was hardly going to push it if Eridan didn't want to. His expression right now was enough to kill any mood, and flare up her worrying tendencies.]

Just because you want to doesn't mean you're ready, [she says gently, leaning in towards him and hoping it doesn't make him feel pressured.] Even if you've done it before, we haven't, so it's different.

The way it works is that the most important thing to me is that you're happy. I would never hold something like this against you.

[The tension is thrumming through his body, but as she leans against him and says that, he lets out a breath and much of it drains away. He lifts his arms and hugs her tightly, making a soft glubbing noise through his gills]

I'vve nevver done it before, properly. Not evven wwith Sol, only he thinks I'm just bein' stubborn wwhen I say no, but reely I'm just not... I don't knoww... I'm sorry.

[He cuts off the babbling and glubs again] I'll wwork on it...for you.

Shhhh, it's okay, [she soothes, wrapping her arms around him readily and carding the fingers of one hand through his hair slowly, mindful of his horns.]

We're going to work on it together, and you can say no whenever you want, and I won't think you're stubborn. You've done so great today-- let me take care of you now.

[Oh god, that's just. Not something he's used to. He sniffles a bit and nods against her shoulder, tightening his grip. He's been such a mess today, and she hasn't even dumped him yet. Best day ever]

[Willow would feel pretty lonely if she was the only mess in this relationship. And truthfully, having someone to take care of again gave her a sense of purpose and strength, something she sorely needed given how much she was stuck in her own self-doubt lately.

But this, this she knows how to do, this she feels sure of. Her voice drops to a soft murmur, and she keeps up the gentle motion through his hair.] It's going to be alright. I'm not going to leave you if you make a mistake. We'll work through it.

We're in this together, and I'm not going anywhere. [She's guessing, mostly, at what must be bothering him about this-- but Willow knows that it's what would be bothering her, and has pieced together some from his reactions.]

[He nods again, and smiles just a bit. He does feel a lot better with every minute that goes by, and he lifts his head, giving her a peck on the cheek]

You really are the best matesprit anyone could ask for... Wwe are in this together, aren't wwe.

We are. That's the whole point, silly gills.

[She likes seeing that smile, even if it's just a hint of a one, and feels warm and proud of herself for it. Willow hasn't felt proud of herself for anything in so long. She keeps eye contact, watching to make sure he's okay with it and partly to convey that she doesn't need to go any farther than this-- and leans in to kiss him herself, a real one taken slowly and carefully, a warm press of skin to skin.]

[His eyes widened a bit with surprise and pleasure, and he's happy to meet that kiss, almost chastely kissing her with lips closed to protect her from his fangs. He's blushing a bit as they part]

Silly gills?

[She smiles at him unreservedly, and for the first time since arriving-- since before Tara died-- she looks like she used to, unashamed in her happiness. It's an expansive feeling, and it makes her throat feel a little tight, that she could feel this way again for any reason. She'd been scared that she'd lost this.

But maybe it was okay that she hurt the Grand Highblood today, and dipped her toes in the dark. Maybe... it was okay that she was dating Eridan.

Maybe she didn't have to feel guilty.]

Are you denying it? [she teases, taking his hand and twining their fingers together again. She doesn't want to let go.] Because you are very silly if you think I could resist kissing you when you smile at me like that.

No... [His own smile is just a tiny bit wistful, but there's so much happiness rising up inside his chest that it sort of chokes up his wind tube. He squeezes her fingers and cuddles in close, resting his head on her shoulder and cautious of his horns] I lovve it. Evverything.

[She presses another kiss into his hair and settles in, curling around him. This was so much better than how she was expecting the night to end.]

You know, we never got to go swimming. You and me, tomorrow?

[He gives a little chirping noise and smiles. This is definitely better than anything he had expected, that's for sure.]

Yeah! Let's go swwimmin' properly tomorroww. I'd like that.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

❝I can't help but fear I've done this wrong❞

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject