towerofanimus | [CLOSED] Life is like a mean machine, it made a mess outta me

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[CLOSED] Life is like a mean machine, it made a mess outta me

Characters: jade!Eridan (

chronomancer ) and teal!Feferi (

prune )
Setting: Starting on floor 3, the library.
Format: Action!
Summary: In which ex-moirails meet face to face for the first time since one them went in a crazy murderous rampage and the other gave up all hope of surviving. Fun times!
Warnings: Sadness? Definitely sadness. Also, probably violence. Though hopefully just mentions of it.

[Eridan is browsing the shelves, looking for something that piques his interest. Since he's been spending quite some time holed up in his room lately, he's taken to sneak into the library after breakfast to go and find something decent to read. Books are the next best thing, considering he's not up to socializing and going into the media room would definitely involve socializing.

He's still not very used to be missing an arm, and it sometimes still hurts at times, phantom pains in a wrist he doesn't have or a cramp running along the missing limb. They're unpleasant reminders that he can't quite get rid of, but like the scars on his face and neck, they're faint enough to be ignored. He's currently fingering the spines of the fiction section, trying to convince himself to stay away from tales of the supernatural and possible rainbow drinkers or their human equivalent.

Because goddammit, Ampora, you're not a wiggler anymore. Shape up.]

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[Feferi has come to realize how utterly isolated and alone she is in the Tower. Not just when it comes to her friends, who are terrified of and want nothing to do with her- but she hasn't heard a word from the Dark Gods since she got here, and that's like a worst nightmare come true.

She's been growing more and more paranoid by the idea, and angrier. They are trapped in this place, unable to go anywhere, in complete purgatory. It's worse than not existing at all, in her mind.

But even she has to keep herself busy, so she's visiting the library as she has done before. She's looking at books on gardening in a detached, sort of wistful way. She tucks a couple of them under her arm and moves towards the fiction section- and then freezes when she sees who's standing there.]

[Getting more than one book at the time is a bit of an exercise in quick finger movements. Especially given how he keeps forgetting he's missing an arm. Kind of ridiculous, really. Considering he's been having days filled with solid nightmares about that particular incident. And it's not like he doesn't have constant reminders, like all the things he drops or every time he sees his reflection marred by those scars.

But still, he sort of manages after a little moment and then he turns.

And there's Feferi, standing there with books in her arms and looking... well, not okay, but that's probably his fault. Eridan drops his eyes to the floor. Along with one of the books that slips from his grasp before he can catch it.]

Oh fuck.

[Picking up books with one hand while holding onto another book is a skill he hasn't managed to master yet.]

[She remains standing and staring at him for a little bit longer. There's no denying that the very sight of him makes her a little bit angry and fills her with feelings of hurt and betrayal. But before she can think to react in any other way, her eyes land on his arm... Or the lack thereof.

She stares, opens her mouth as if to say something, then closes it. Then she carefully kneels and picks the book he dropped up, holding it out to him. Her hand is trembling slightly.]

Here.

...ah, thank you.

[Eridan takes the book, looking up at her for a second, before dropping his eyes. What the fuck does he even say? There are no words to excuse what he's caused, and he knows it. And last time he spoke with her, he'd given her carte blanche to cull his useless ass until she felt better. He still meant that. But she was there and her hands were shaking and she looks so upset...

The impulse to reach out and soothe her hair is overwhelming, as is the spasm in his bilesack because... because that's not something he's allowed to do anymore.]

You. You look good, Fef.

[No, she doesn't. Not as good as she looks when she's happy and smiling and blurting puns all the way into next week.]

[Feferi has not forgotten his shocking offer, and the thing is that she doesn't know how she feels about it. Would killing Eridan over and over make her feel better? She doesn't know. The only thing that could make her feel better is a safe place for herself and her friends- the safe place they were promised but never delivered.

Either way, she's far blunter than he is, because she knows she doesn't look good at all.]

You don't.

[It comes out sounding a little bit angry, perhaps a bit too emotional. Talking to him on the network and actually seeing him are two very different things.]

[Eridan winced, even though he smiled faintly. Trust Fef to just... dig into the heart of things.]

I know.

[He shrugged lightly. As much as he wished Dualscar's... episode, had left him a way to hide the fact it'd happened, there was no use trying to cover it up anymore. The scars at least were faint enough Eridan was sure he was really the only one who thought they were all that really visible, but that was mostly because they itched.]

It's been... kind 'a ridiculous lately.

[You know, between chocolates and teddie bears and oh fuck, Eridan hates this place so fucking much it doesn't make up for the fact he's not dead.]

I hope you didn't get hurt.

[But that at least is genuinely and sincerely the truth. Seeing her face to face, as awkward as it could be, does ease a knot of worry that... well, that only Gamzee's ridiculous sopor pies had had any hope of making him forget about.]

No. I'm fine.

[She crosses her arms over her chest, defensively, and turns away slightly. But she's watching him, especially the very noticeable place where his arm should be, and... she can't help it. Something drops out the bottom of her stomach, and, fuck it all, she still wants to know what's wrong and if there's anything she can do.

That feeling, contrasted with all of the anger and resentment she still feels, is a bizarre one. But Feferi looks saner than she has in weeks as she takes a reluctant step forward.]

Eridan, what happened to your arm?

[Something flashes across his face, like a ripple, and then he fixes his eyes on his shoes. For the past few weeks, ever since the encounter with Dualscar, Eridan's knee-jerk reaction to that question has been "an accident". No matter who asked and how much they insisted and what it took, Eridan clung to his story and refused to peep out a word about the incident. But this is Fef, and... and he's no good lying at Fef. He made a promise to himself, after the last time they talked in the Veil, that he would never lie to Fef again. Oh sure, he'd done so with the certainty that they were about to cease to exist all together because he left to scratch the session right afterwards, but he'd still made that promise. And he hated breaking his word and he hated lying to Fef and he just. He just wants to tell someone.]

There's another Eridan in the tower, a seadweller.

[And for fuck's sake it's so easy to let the words out, soft and with just the smallest ghost of fear in them.]

His Ancestor's here, too.

[He swallowed hard.]

He's not... really happy about me sharin' his sign, what with not being his real descendant an' all. So I guess he decided the best way I could make up for it was... looking more the part.

[The other Eridan. The one she'd mistaken for this Eridan- her Eridan.

...No, no. Not her Eridan. She can't think like that any more. Whatever they had- it's gone now. There's something painful about that line of thought, but she brushes it away at his words. She can't help but widen her eyes.]

He did that to you?

[And all at once, again, Feferi just doesn't know how to feel. She's looking from his face to his missing arm and... She remembers that she used to joke with Eridan that neither of them really needed their pale quadrant filled; they were just a couple of kids with their heads in the clouds, more preoccupied with pursuing their hobbies than picking fights like proper trolls, but nevertheless she'd always worried about him all the same.

Even now she's somehow, impossibly, worried; this girl with her head full of horrorterrors finds her thoughts cleared for a moment, and in the next step she closes the space between them and reaches out towards him... but her hand stops before it touches his shoulder.

Feferi lifts her eyes to meet his gaze.]

I don't know if there's a shrubbin' thing I can do about it, but... If you let me take a look...

[Part of Feferi is angry at herself. Angry for giving in so quick, for letting her feelings take over. So quick to forgive.

But she can't help it. He hurt her, but somewhere deep down inside, she knows she's still hopelessly, impossibly, piningly pale for Eridan Ampora, and she knows that she's the reason they ever had a moiraillegiance to begin with. She's the one who needed him, not the other way around.]

[Eridan can't hold the words back now, not even if he wanted to. There has been an aborted panic attack knotted up in his gut ever since the incident and there's nothing he can do and oh, he shouldn't be telling her this, acting like she's his moirail, even though he needs it so much. He broke it up, he fucked it up, he doesn't deserve to have her be so kind to him, not after all he's done. But it's happening and he can't stop himself, not quite.]

He's so fuckin' big, Fef. I've taken down pretty big things myself, but he was so calm and pleasant and then.. then he...

[He swallows hard, mouth dry. The words might have stopped because he realizes he's about to ramble and go into painful, painstakingly memorized detail on the attack, or because she's suddenly there, within armreach. And all he really wants is to reach out and hug her and bury his face into her shoulder and breathe in that earthy scent of hers. But he can't. He can't and he's shaking with restraint because even after all she's done and said and she killed their friends... but he'll probably never stop waxing pale for her. It's Feferi. Just about the one honest to good part of his life, and no matter what the others say, she's not a monster.

He can't speak, can't force the words out as he'd want to, so he nods instead, minutely and subdued.]

[Feferi nods, and her eyes are on his face like he's the only thing she can hear right now, and, really, it's the only thing that matters. She can forget all the blood on her hands and the sick nothing feels right feeling that's been tormenting her ever since she got here. She's known him for sweeps, and she knows when he's hurting, and she knows when she needs to be there for him.

But can she be there for him? Would he even let her? He'd shoved her away, she remembers, reminding herself; he'd done it in an attempt not to hurt her, but he'd still done it, and he'd made so many mistakes, and he ran away from them, too- and then- and then he surely must agree with the others, that she's insane, corrupted, a monster, that she did the wrong thing. Part of Feferi wants to break down and cry because no one understand; she loves her friends, and it had been the only way, she just wanted everyone to be happy...

Even Eridan. She wants his happiness, too, but right now he needs someone. Maybe not her, but someone.

So it doesn't really surprise Feferi when she hears herself saying-]

Shhh.

[-just like old times, and then she holds her arms out towards him.

Her vascular organ is beating so hard she can practically hear it, and Feferi thinks that if he pushes her away now, that'll be it and she really won't know what to do with herself. She'll truly and finally be completely alone, without even the voices in her dreams to keep her company.]

[Eridan freezes when she holds out her arms to him. It nearly brings him to his knees, the strange mix of feelings that hits him like a punch in the gut. He forgets to breathe for one, impossibly eternal moment.

He should step away. He should let her go, stop burdening her with his fucking mess of feelings and stupidity and why oh why is Feferi always the one that ends up paying for the shit he pulls? He should step back and leave her alone, stop making her feel like she has an obligation to him. He should let go.

But he can't. He doesn't want to, he never wants to, but he's too close to the limit and he can't deny himself this.

Eridan drops the books and steps into the offered embrace, wrapping his remaining arm around her and clinging like motherfucking ivy. Desperate, emotionally broken ivy, but ivy nonetheless. She would appreciate the pun, he thinks, hysterical.]

[Feferi's knees buckle. She tries very hard to keep standing, but it's useless. It's not his weight- that itself is fine, comforting- it's the fact that she's completely overwhelmed with a feeling that she can't give a name to.

She sinks to her knees, pulling Eridan to the floor with her, and the books go falling to the ground but that's okay, because she doesn't think she could wrap her arms around him tight enough right now. But she tries, and she presses her forehead against his shoulder and for one brief, wonderful moment, everything is alright again. It's almost like they never played the game at all, like they never wound up trapped in this tower, like they never became known as a Maid and a Mage. It's like they're back in her treehouse, just spending time together like they used to, back when everything was so easy and she was sure that they'd never, ever be apart.]

Eridan-

[Except she's got nothing to say, so the sentence ends there, just Eridan, because there's no way she can say all the things she wants to say. She trembles in his hold, but that's okay, because he's here now.]

I was so scared. [Her voice comes out as a whisper, and it's a confession about many things. Scared of being alone, scared of being without you, scared of everything going wrong, scared that maybe I wasn't doing the right thing, and I'm still scared. Her tears soak his shirt, but she doesn't bother to hide them.]

[He folds down to the floor with her, with far more grace than he ever thought he could have. She fits there, right there, and he hates Dualscar so fucking much, because her place is right there, in the circle of his arms, and now he's missing one and he doesn't have enough hands to hold her and run his fingers through her hair and just hold her like he wants to.]

I know, I know.

[And he does. Fuck it all, he does. It breaks his heart in so many different ways because he tried so hard to spare her this. He tried to spare them all. He wanted to take the pain and the misery and the fear and the dread and all the horrible fucking things that ever happened to them, and hold them all up by himself. He's the fucking worthless one. He's the one that never gets it right. None of the others ever deserved even a millionth part of what happened, but least of them Fef. Never Fef. Fef is his sun, his shining light, the most precious thing he's ever known in the whole damn world. And he failed and he hurt her and she's crying and it's all his goddamn fault.]

I am so, so sorry.

[His voice breaks at the end of the whisper, carrying in it the full brunt of all his feelings. And he might be sobbing, just a little, breathless and broken and utterly miserable. But he won't let go. He'll never let go.]

I wanted... fuck, I don't even know what I wanted anymore, but not this. I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

[She says it before she even realizes what she's saying, but belatedly knows that she means it. It's okay; she's willing to forgive Eridan for just about anything as long as he doesn't leave again. She's terrified of that; she can't stand the thought of being alone once more. Nothing had been right ever since things ended between them. It'd had been like she lost a part of herself, and she didn't think she'd ever get it back.

She lifts her head slightly and places one hand against his cheek, gently, caressing it. She did what she did out of love for her friends, Feferi knows, but now she remembers: Eridan is the one she loves most of all, and that never changed even if the intensity of those feelings had caused her to think they might even have been red for a while. But the cliche is true: you don't know what you have until it's gone, and, oh, how she hadn't known it.]

None of us wanted this. [She sways against him, rocking slightly, dizzy with the relief of simply being able to hold and be held.] I-- I wanted us all to be happy, I still want us to be happy, but we can't, I can't do a thing, and I think everyone hates me, but especially you.

[Eridan leans into her touch, raw emotion and bare bones, and he almost believes her. It's okay. It'll be okay. He can almost bring himself to believe that, and it would be so nice to believe her, to forget about everything and just... just...

But then she's talking again and her words register and something freezes up Eridan's insides, and he wants to throw up or cry or die. Maybe all at the same time. He tenses and uncoils his arm around her - fuck you, Dualscar, fuck you - to grab the wrist near his face.]

No.

[He sounds desperate and broken and so fucking terrified. Because this is the one thing, the one fucking thing he will not allow.]

No, oh god, Feferi, no. I don't hate you, I can't hate you. I've never---

[Did. Did she really spend all this time thinking that? Didn't she ever hear what he said? Did he ever told her that? Oh god. Oh god. There are trails of liquid green dripping down from under his glasses now and his grip on her wrist tightens before he pulls her close again, wrapping his arm around her so tight it's like he's trying to crawl into her bones.]

Fuck, I would never---I can't---oh god.

[Feferi looks him in the eyes and she sees him crying and that hurts, makes her want to curl up against him until it stops. Her fingers brush against his cheek, trying to rub the tears away, and she finds her other hand rubbing his back absently, wishing she could make it better somehow.

That he doesn't hate her, that he's said it out loud, means more to her than she can say. The others certainly have had no reservations about making it very clear that they want her to stay far, far away, and Feferi had tried explaining herself, tried to be civilized, but she just felt so angry and indignant it just came out all wrong and made it so much worse and it hurt even more because she couldn't understand why they refused to listen.

But Eridan... Somehow Eridan doesn't hate her like the others. Maybe he even understands, but that might be too much to ask for; right now Feferi's grateful just for this, and she presses her cheek to his and closes her eyes, breathing him in.]

I don't hate you, either. I don't... You're not a coward, you're-- [She has to force the words out.] You did... you did the hardest thing of any of us and I was just so angry at you because you left me and I couldn't understand and...

[God, she's so relieved. He doesn't hate her.]

I missed you so much.

[Her voice shrinks, small, wondering:] I still need you.

[He lets out a pained breath between clenched teeth, hissing and confused and oh god. This... this hurts more than anything. More than the sick feeling of watching yourself die, of having to rummage your own corpse for anything useful, more than losing an arm. It hurts, because it's just settling in, how much he really did screw up.

He knew she was angry, he knew he had abandoned her at the worst possible moment, he knew he had hurt her. But not this much. Looking at her and hearing her voice and having her pressed against him like this, Eridan begins to glimpse at just how much of a mess he'd really made. He passes air through his teeth again, a parody of a breathless, broken chuckle.]

I am a coward, and a rightful fuck up, and if I'd known... if I'd known... Oh god, Fef, if I could take it back...

[But he can't. He can't. And his loathing for the game and his powers rears right back up like a wave of pitch black hatred. It doesn't matter how many times he has to run back and fix it. It doesn't matter how many times he has to watch his friends die. Over. And over. And over. And over again. It doesn't matter how many times he has to die to get it right. It's never enough to go back and fix the mistakes that really matter. The ones that well and truly fucked them up.

Her small confession makes his heart crack and break with a damn near audible sound.

Eridan breaks.]

I missed you too. I wanted you so bad and it was horrible and I didn't want to put you through it because it made me sick and you deserve better. Fef, you've always deserved so much better than just me.

No, I don't!

[The passion with which she bursts out surprises even Feferi, but she continues on before her head can catch up with her emotions.]

You're all I ever wanted, Eridan. Ever since I first met you, I knew we had to be together somehow.

[The conviction her voice carries is downright vicious. It's a feeling stronger than any she's had lately. As strong as her hatred for the game, as strong as her desperation, as strong as all the loneliness she's been feeling, and, fuck, she's still scared, even now she's scared that Eridan Ampora is going to leave her again, because she needs him as much as she needs air. Her life, Feferi thinks, literally depends on him.]

So don't say that I deserve better because... because I already had what I wanted.

[Her voice suddenly goes soft as she strokes his cheek, cradling him impossibly closer.]

Please, Eridan.

[She tries to keep the tremble out of her voice. There are no dark, ancient whispers in her head now; these words are Feferi's alone.]

Promise me. Promise me forever.

[Feferi knows that forever is too much to ask for, even though it's not nearly enough. But she needs to hear it. She needs his promise. She needs to know that there's still a light at the end of the tunnel and someone to hold her hand as they move towards that terrifyingly unknown future. It's almost worse than nonexistence- uncertainty.

But she thinks she might be able to get there if he went with her.]

[Forever is so much, such an awful long Time. But he would have it gladly with her, all for her. Hadn't he done horrible, unspeakable things, simply because she asked? Hadn't he abandoned his friends, those he had grown to love and cherish and died for so many times he lost count... hadn't he abandoned them without even a warning of what was coming for them? Hadn't he chosen her over the rest, even if he hadn't understood, even if the thought of it makes his insides into jagged shards of ice? She killed them. Every single one of them, and he hadn't stopped her. He had known exactly what she was going to do, and he let her. He knows that, he knows he carries a part of the guilt for her carnage in the Veil.

And he knows, he knows, that he could have stopped her. If he'd really wanted to. He knows, because he's thought about it so much, turned the problem in his head so often, especially with Kan and Kar and more and more of their friends coming into the Tower. Every time he talked with them, every time he saw them alive and... and as well as they can be, in here. All he can think of is that he doomed them, that he abandoned them and left them to rot in an asteroid for Feferi to kill at her leisure.

He's always chosen her, paid the greatest prices for her. And he's such a fucked up idiot he's screwed it every single time. But even those hideous mistakes that only served to hurt them both, even then... he had been choosing her. And now she's asking, asking and offering and all Eridan can see is her. Can he deny her? Of course he can't. He still can't. He knows it with the certainty he told her to kill him until she was sated. She's asking, and she's offering, and Eridan whimpers because she still holds his soul in her hands.]

I promise you, Feferi.

[He closed his eyes and let himself relax in her hold, both in surrender and relief.]

I promise you Time, forever and the rest.

[Because his choice is really no choice at all, just a reminder of what it has always been, and probably will always be.]

[And suddenly everything in the world is right again, and Feferi nearly sobs with relief.

All of the things she couldn't change- the hemospectrum, her lusus's eternal slumber, the game, their fate- don't mean a thing in this moment.

Maybe one day she'll get Eridan to understand why she had to do what she did (what a part of her still plans to do). Maybe Feferi will finally find words to describe the hollow anger inside of her, a rage barely tempered by compassion, a love for all things alive and sad and lost so strong it swallowed her up, seeming so much greater and older and much more vast than her. And maybe the dream bubbles still have room for the two of them and the rest of their friends, and when that day comes, they'll all finally understand- they'll all be thankful to her for the eternal happiness she plans to give them.

Feferi has not ever forgotten the jade drenching her hands on Derse or the way Eridan had seemed to know what she'd started and kept his complete silence, allowing the ritual to proceed.

She remembers being a child, utterly alone in her forest, climbing onto the great doomsday scale and warming her hands against the smooth blue shell in which her lusus slept. She remembers catching little creatures, small lost ones like her, ones without anyone to look out for them. Sometimes she would bring them back to her treehive, nursing the baby birds and nutbeasts and sometimes even larger creatures, like young howlfiends, feeding them the things she'd grown in her gardens and watching them day in and day out until it became too much to bear.

They were all so sad and so alone and she couldn't possibly love them enough to make it better, so inevitably, sooner or later, she'd closed her thumbs over tiny windpipes, she'd dragged garden shears across furry throats, she'd held the small thrashing terrified creatures beneath the ablution trap until they stopped kicking and the bubbles went away and they were still. She would plant flowers over the corpses and cry for them, because she hadn't known what else to do, but at least they were resting now.

She's been lost for a very long time, just like those little creatures. Eridan has been, too. All of them have been. The twelve of them have been utterly lost within the very concept of existence, and their only hope to make any of it right- to make it just- is in the dream bubbles.

Feferi promises herself, right here, as she embraces her moirail, that one way or another, they will make it there. Even if she doesn't know how, right now that's alright, because at least she can smile.]

Forever and the rest. [She presses her forehead against his, closes her eyes too.] Eridan... thank you.

[He runs his fingers through her hair, slowly and methodically. Reverently. Like he did when he could manage to escape the desert and visit her forest, and they lay on the grass and she told him all her grief and bones against the hemospectrum or how things would change one day or the new plants she was growing. It had never really mattered, then, it was just the sound of her voice that made things relevant. It was the way her eyes lit up and he was half terrified, half excited, that she would go out and do exactly as she promised. Eridan finds himself smiling softly, with sheer adoration as the memories dilute in the gesture and he finally feels some semblance of peace in his gut.

She is special, he thinks. She's the kind of special he's always hoped and yearned for, but by now he knows he'll never be. She's strong and determined and willing to do what it takes to make things happen. Kind of like Kanaya, in a way, but where Kanaya's determination is admirable and awe-worthy, Feferi's is... Subtler, perhaps. Like one of the plants she loves so much. Just a tiny seed, hidden away under the surface. And then, when you least expect it, it blooms and sneaks itself so deep into your soul you can't hope to escape.

She's beautiful and terrible and Eridan would move mountains for her. He curls his fingers in her hair and raises the locks to his mouth, smiling against the dark strands.]

I don't deserve a second chance. I don't deserve a whole lot a things, to be honest. But I swear, Fef, I won't screw this up. I swear.

I swear, too.

[Feferi beams, and she looks radiant for a moment, even if the truth of it is that darkness shimmers beneath her surface and it still shows in her eyes.

She very carefully moves her hand beside the place where his arm is completely missing, and something twists inside of her; she wishes she could make it better, and then decides that it won't be just a wish and she'll figure out a way somehow, because it's Eridan and she's not going to stop at anything if it means making him smile.]

I won't let us screw up. Okay?

[She looks around them, seeming to suddenly remember where they are; still on the floor, a couple of kids in a tearful reunion no one else could hope to understand.]

Hey... Let me carry that stuff for you. And we can keep talking somewhere nicer.

[Eridan places the curl of hair back, sighing. He can see the edges where she changed, the way her smile is different from what he remembers. That's his fault, he thinks, but he can't help but admire the fact she remains gorgeous nonetheless. He nods.]

It's okay.

[But he really doesn't fight her help. It doesn't feel worse, when she offers to help, like everyone else. Eridan sighs again, standing up with just a little stumble for balance.]

Anywwhere you want is fine, Fef.

[Anywhere you are is nice, that is.]

[She takes all of the books into one arm and takes his remaining hand with the other.]

There's lots of places here, nice places, even... Did you know there's a field of flowers?

[She looks serene and dreamy as she says it, gazing down at their joined hands.]

[Eridan squeezes her hand a little, the smallest smile hanging off his lips. It's the most sincere he's smiled in a very long time, though. He nods at her.]

I know, I thought you'd like it there.

[He tilted his head to the side.]

And the sun here doesn't burn either...

I'm really happy about that. We can enjoy it together!

[She tugs him along, gently, looking more excited about the prospect of going.]

I would... I would like that, yeah.

[Her excitement is making him dizzy. It's familiar and terrifying in how much he's missed it. He's not really sure what he'd do if they took it away.]

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[CLOSED] Life is like a mean machine, it made a mess outta me

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