❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

[guiltapalooza]

Characters Willow (guiltapalooza) and you! OPEN.
Setting: The second floor hall.
Format: Action tags.
Warnings: Mentions of violent death.
Summary: A few days after her death, Willow still hasn't gotten her magic back, but this time it isn't the tower's fault. (Also includes a thread for immediately after her resurrection to log with Eridan.) There will be opportunity later to violently harass her, I promise, but for now friendlies only, please?

[Her heart is in her throat, loudly enough that she'd almost think anyone nearby could hear it and know she was there. But she'd been holing up in Eridan's room for a couple days now, ever since she'd come back to life, and at some point she needed to leave. She needed food, for one thing, and for another she had to sleep in her own bed soon or she'd start going crazy.

Her magic still hadn't come back, and it terrified her. Nothing worked. No amount of meditation, prayer, or supplication, no spell she'd tried could coax it out. Magic was what Willow defined herself by, the thing that gave her any amount of self-confidence; without it, she wasn't anything. She was almost useless, just that dumb little girl in high school who'd chased after Buffy and Xander like a pathetic puppy, desperate for attention and approval. She may have committed mistake after mistake with her magic, may have done some undeniably terrible, awful things, but it gave her power. It made her someone.

Not that she regretted helping Eridan. But she'd made a lot of enemies here, and she knew they wouldn't balk at taking the chance to tear her apart while she was defenseless. She just had to hold out. It was temporary -- had to be temporary.

She peeks her head tentatively outside the door, and starts to slowly edge into the hallway. Any of her previous cheer from last week has been drained from her completely, and left behind is a wan, blank-faced girl.]


(for wwaterboy)
[The sleep paralysis is worse than she'd given it credit for. The first time she'd woken up here, she'd been freaked and scared, sure; but now, the ten minutes last forever, her mind replaying endlessly what had happened. Her breathing is uneven with grief, tears sliding from her eyes and down her cheeks even as she can't move.

The second feeling returns, she lurches out of bed, half-stumbling and half-racing out the door and down to his room. She has to see for herself, or she won't be able to believe it. There's always a first time for someone to not come back.]

Comments

[windykind]

[That's... not a happy face, Willow. That's not a happy face and it's upsetting the Egderp considerably. So he approaches her slowly, so as to make sure she knows he's there, and speaks in a much more somber tone than he normally assumes.]

What happened? Willow, are you okay?

[guiltapalooza]

[Even so she jolts a little, clutching at the door, and then forces herself to calm down. Post-traumatic freaking, she knows this, come on. She's done this before. Not exactly this, but close enough.]

No. I... I died. [She swallows, but this is John. Who is definitely a friend, and is also far from defenseless, so she doesn't need to protect him.] A few days ago, I died. And so did Eridan.

[windykind]

Oh no.

[And just like that, John's face is starting to echo Willow's, remembering the details of his [i]own[/i] first death. By the looks of things, Willow's was even worse, if it killed both this Eridan person -- Eridan's a troll, right? Probably her boyfriend -- and herself at the same time. Somehow, he doubts they were done in by a few tons of spiders.]

I... do you need anything? [He starts looking around.]

[guiltapalooza]

[She bites her lip for a second. But no, she has to do this. She really can't stay in here.]

Can you come down to the cafeteria with me? [she asks, though she sounds uncertain, and hasn't stepped away from the doorway.] I need to eat.

[windykind]

Yeah, of course. [He nods and moves to the side, no longer blocking the door.]

[guiltapalooza]

[She steps out finally, closing it behind her, and can't help glancing up and down the hall. It's clear, though.]

... I lost my magic. [Willow says this quietly, just puts it out there before she loses her nerve to say it.] I don't know if it's the tower punishing me, or... I don't know, but I don't have it right now. And I'm not any good at fighting.

[windykind]

If anything happens, I'll protect you. [This is said without a second thought. No one touches John Egbert's friends.] Come on... let's get going. The faster we get it over with...

[guiltapalooza]

[She was sure John would react that way-- he's so much like the rest of her friends already, she figured that part would be the same, too-- but it's still a relief to hear it. She exhales, because the hard part's over, the part where she has to admit what happened. Just... go eat now.]

Thank you, [she says softly, and joins him on the way over to the stairs.] I'm trying not to freak out. I don't think I'm doing too well at it.

[A bit of wry self-castigation in there, because Willow really does get tired of being overemotional all the time.]

[windykind]

[John isn't quite clueless enough to not realize the implications of taking her hand here, so he just kind of reaches out and holds her by the arm, watching her face intently for any sign that he should let go.] ...Is this okay?

[guiltapalooza]

[She's not up to her usual liveliness, but she gives him a smile anyway, sincere regardless of how tired it is.] Of course it's okay.

[Willow has always been physically affectionate with her friends, even the male ones. She doesn't have a second thought about it before she shifts so that their arms are linked, and something about the childish gesture makes her relax. It's a piece of normality in an utterly surreal, nightmarish sequence of days.]

You're just fine, John.

[windykind]

[Oh, he knows the feels, Willow. So he lets you change position so they're linked together like they're just about to start prancing through a meadow of happiness and butterflies. Of course, they're just going to go down to the cafeteria, but don't tell him that. She's smiling now, and even though she looks totally shot, it's better than how she was a few minutes ago. Just like that, he's smiling back.] Okay.

Do you want to take the elevator? [It would be easier to just wait in the elevator, but he doesn't want to invoke any bouts of random claustrophobia.]

[guiltapalooza]

[That's why she likes you, John. One of the big reasons at least. You just smile right back and let her get her daily recommended dose of friendliness in.]

Elevator is probably a good idea. Until I get my magic back, being out in the open is giving me the wiggins. [There's a trace of fragility to Willow as she is right now, but it's self-induced. She's scared, sure, can't help but keep replaying in her head how useless her magic had been when she and Eridan had gotten killed, but she's very far from broken. She knows how to keep herself together in times like this, at least enough to do what she needs to. She'd done it all summer after Buffy had died.]

[windykind]

[He tries.]

Okay. [So they walk down the staircase that leads to dormitory floor 1, and then into the elevator. And just like that, pchooooo, they're in the cafeteria! It's a little more awkward now that everyone can see them, but John is determined to hold onto Willow no matter what.]

[guiltapalooza]

[Even if she weren't in the state she's in, Willow frankly couldn't care less what anyone thought of her running around holding someone's arm. She'd done it all the time at home, and she'd do it here. Friends helped each other, and sometimes it was touchy-feely help, and it was just the way it worked for her.

Right now especially she's not thinking about it, because the cafeteria is where it'd all happened. She tightens her grip on him.] Can we-- eat in the kitchen? Please?

[windykind]

Sure. [He nods, eschewing the cafeteria tables as he leads her towards the back door to the kitchen.] Do you want to cook some food, or should I get it from the line?

[guiltapalooza]

No cooking. Definitely no cooking. I've been trying to figure out what to do, how to-- to get it back, but nothing's working. So I kind of... put off eating, and now I'm way overdue.

[And the lack of magic is really what's driving her to distraction and lack of appetite, much more than anything else. She's a bit dazed as they enter the kitchen, but she's not totally lost, trying to force herself not to think about it.]

[windykind]

That's fine. [Actually, it works out better; the only thing he can cook is bakery fare. He gestures in the direction of a chair surrounding the only dining table in the kitchen, a small round thing that would seat four at the most.] Uh... that means I need to go get things from the other room. Can you sit here by yourself or do you want to come?

[guiltapalooza]

[She drops into a chair and rubs at her face, trying to push herself out of her funk a little.]

Me and life-changing crises are well acquainted. I'll be fine on my own. [Maybe not fine exactly, but she won't have a meltdown or anything, she's sure.]

[windykind]

[John nods and goes back into the other room, glancing at her as he leaves. Fortunately, at this time of day the queue is virtually nonexistent, so he comes back shortly afterward with two trays of food. One is set in front of Willow, the other in front of his own seat.] The choices are kind of limited, so I tried to vary what I could.

[guiltapalooza]

[She gives him another weak smile as she tugs her tray toward her.]

Whatever it is is fine. Thanks, John. I'm... really glad I ran into you. Or you ran into me.

[windykind]

You're welcome. [And Willow receives a 100% Egderp-certified award winning goofgrin as he sits down in the chair next to hers.] Well, dig in.

[guiltapalooza]

[She eats slowly, because honestly by now she's lost her appetite again, and her stomach can't handle too much after a few days of mostly ignoring it. She forces herself to get something down anyway, not wanting to add eating to her currently substantially long list of problems.]

Have you been doing anything? Hopefully not getting killed and losing the wind thing? [It's a weak attempt at lighter conversation, but she's trying.]

[windykind]

No, the windy thing is still there. [Otherwise why would he offer to protect Willow?] Uh... well, my birthday is coming up soon! I'm not sure what I want to do about it, though.

[guiltapalooza]

[She doesn't think he'd actually have lost it, she was just... making an ironic comment about her own situation. Yeah.]

Oh, um, how old are you turning? I'll have to find you something for a present. Tower or no tower.

[windykind]

Fourteen! ...But no, no, don't get me a present. I mean, the choices are kind of limited, don't you think? [He would go into detail -- 'Oh, gee, maybe I can get him some nice blood from the screaming-and-handprints floor' and the like -- but considering her current state of mind, it probably wouldn't be the best idea.]