towerofanimus | ❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

Entry tags:

❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

Characters Willow (

guiltapalooza) and you! OPEN.
Setting: The second floor hall.
Format: Action tags.
Warnings: Mentions of violent death.
Summary: A few days after her death, Willow still hasn't gotten her magic back, but this time it isn't the tower's fault. (Also includes a thread for immediately after her resurrection to log with Eridan.) There will be opportunity later to violently harass her, I promise, but for now friendlies only, please?

[Her heart is in her throat, loudly enough that she'd almost think anyone nearby could hear it and know she was there. But she'd been holing up in Eridan's room for a couple days now, ever since she'd come back to life, and at some point she needed to leave. She needed food, for one thing, and for another she had to sleep in her own bed soon or she'd start going crazy.

Her magic still hadn't come back, and it terrified her. Nothing worked. No amount of meditation, prayer, or supplication, no spell she'd tried could coax it out. Magic was what Willow defined herself by, the thing that gave her any amount of self-confidence; without it, she wasn't anything. She was almost useless, just that dumb little girl in high school who'd chased after Buffy and Xander like a pathetic puppy, desperate for attention and approval. She may have committed mistake after mistake with her magic, may have done some undeniably terrible, awful things, but it gave her power. It made her someone.

Not that she regretted helping Eridan. But she'd made a lot of enemies here, and she knew they wouldn't balk at taking the chance to tear her apart while she was defenseless. She just had to hold out. It was temporary -- had to be temporary.

She peeks her head tentatively outside the door, and starts to slowly edge into the hallway. Any of her previous cheer from last week has been drained from her completely, and left behind is a wan, blank-faced girl.]

(for wwaterboy)
[The sleep paralysis is worse than she'd given it credit for. The first time she'd woken up here, she'd been freaked and scared, sure; but now, the ten minutes last forever, her mind replaying endlessly what had happened. Her breathing is uneven with grief, tears sliding from her eyes and down her cheeks even as she can't move.

The second feeling returns, she lurches out of bed, half-stumbling and half-racing out the door and down to his room. She has to see for herself, or she won't be able to believe it. There's always a first time for someone to not come back.]

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[And the concern soon overtakes the eagerness as Aradia moves to console her, even as she's not sure what's appening]

No, Willow it's okay. You don't have to explain yourself to me.

No, I... I think I do. [A few breaths as she gets her babbling under control.]

I need to get something to eat, but do you want to... come in for a second first? And I'll tell you.

[Frowning a little]

Willow, it's okay. If you want to eat first, I can come with you and then we can figure this out later. Or if you want to tell me now, that's okay too and we'll do that.

I just want to get it over with, or I'll be thinking about it the whole time and... and I'm tired of thinking about it.

[She wipes at her face even though she isn't crying, and takes a step back, silently asking her to come in.]

[Aradia nods and follows, even more concerned now]

So what happened?

... Short version? [Willow closes the door, and turns to face her again. Just gets it all out at once.]

Eridan died, and I died trying to save him, and since I've been back my magic... hasn't.

You died? Ho-

[To her credit, she cuts herself off just shy of actually finishing that question. She's starting to learn that not everyone finds it fascinating like she does]

Have you been to the infirmary? Maybe there's a problem with the collar and that's why?

I don't want to go to the infirmary. [She's distracted enough by the idea for her sorrow to become tinged with anger, one of her hands clenching into a fist at her side.]

It's their fault that this happened. They put this-- this mutilated corpse in Eridan's bed, that looked like Feferi. He went ballistic and started killing the kitchen workers. I got him to stop by promising to help him find who was responsible, but those red collared units showed up and killed both of us.

They're just playing games with us! That's all they've been doing, jerking us around, and maybe I was fine when it was to me, but they're not allowed to touch my boyfriend.

Okay, okay. It was just an idea.

[She raises her hands in supplication. She's not going to force Willow into anything, wouldn't have the means to even if she wanted to but she's trying to keep things calm, or at least as calm as she can.

That doesn't stop the horrified look that crosses her face at the mention of what happened]

That's horrible...why would they do something like that?

[She hadn't really meant to jump all over Aradia, it was just so much easier to be angry than upset, such a relief to be feeling something else aside from crippling helplessness and guilt.

It crumples for a second, and she looks devastated and ready to cry for a moment. Then she's back to tense, contained anger.] Who knows? They felt like it, they hadn't seen enough people crying lately and needed to get their jollies off, they're just genuinely that stupid?

I don't know which one's worst.

[She shakes her head at the latter part]

They're not stupid. They're running a very long game that only they know the rules to...not so different from SGRUB except that there doesn't seem to be an end goal to what they're doing. Or if there is, it's not one we're allowed to know about yet.

[And then, more softly]

How is he?

I don't want to be part of this game anymore, [she says in a low, tight voice, her hands clutching at the fabric of her skirt.

But she lets out a breath.] He's upset. Better than me, but he feels like he can't protect me. I don't know how to tell him that I don't think of it that way; I know he does everything he can.

I'm not sure we have a choice. We can't die and there's no world to go back to...what other way is there?

[Not that she's in favour of this but she can't help but see the logistical side. It's something only someone so acquainted with the inevitability of fate could manage]

Well...maybe this is a culture thing. Maybe you just need to explain to him that it's different for humans.

I know there isn't another way, but I'm not going to just-- passively accept this! They can't hurt people whenever they feel like it. [Willow knows all about the inevitability of fate, and it's never been anything but horrible. She's boycotting it.]

Wait, is it a culture thing? I thought maybe it was a guy thing. It's been a while since I've dated guys, so I don't... Do trolls really care about that, about who's protecting who how often?

Well if you figure out another way, I'll help. But in the meantime all we can do is try not to call too much attention to ourselves.

[She shrugs]

Maybe you're right. I don't know much, all I know is Sollux gets all freaked out when bad stuff happens to me. More than I do, usually. Whether that's a troll thing or a guy thing, I couldn't say...it's not like I've dated a human guy to know.

I think I'm failing at that resoundingly. [She snorts, though it comes out a bit sniffly because she's been crying so much lately.] What else am I supposed to do when people get hurt right there in front of me?

Maybe it's just a them thing. [Willow sighs.] It's probably discrimination to say that it's because they're male or trolls and not that they're just worried about us. I can't even blame them for it, I just... I don't know what to do. About any of this.

And there's how they get you. If they poke enough, they get the excuse they need. I'm not sure there's a way around it except to just not care.

[She nods]

Maybe. Either way, obviously Eridan wants to protect you. Maybe you just tell him you can protect each other and that as long as you both do your best, there's no failing.

I... I can't do that. Not caring-- I can't. [She knows it's just not something that's possible for her. Even when she'd been evil, no one would've called her apathetic.]

That's how I think of it, too. [All at once she feels overwhelmed, and her expression crumbles into vulnerability again.] I just don't know what to do. This is all so much at once.

Of course you can't. You're alive.

[The only time Aradia'd been able to manage it was while she was technically dead]

Well, look. Let's not worry about that now. Let's start with you need to eat. We'll worry about the next step once that's done.

Oh... Yeah, eating. Being alive and eating. [She sighs, but gets to her feet, trying not to look too hesitant.]

I think that's about the only step I can handle right now. Thanks, by the way.

[She smiles]

I don't know what you're thanking me for. This is what friends do, isn't it?

[Still she'll move to loop her arm around Willow's, more for moral support than for Willow needing help to walk]

Now, let's get you fed.

Yeah, but... maybe I was thanking you for existing, and therefore being here to be my friend. I think you deserve some thanking for that.

[She's incredibly grateful for the contact, had been toying with the idea of initiating it herself but hadn't entirely had the energy. Aradia had neatly taken the dilemma away, and she twines arms with her without hesitation as they head out the door.]

Oh? Well, I didn't think existing was something I needed thanking for but you're welcome?

[And she leads Willow out of the room so they can head for the cafeteria]

[Walking down the hall now, Willow trying to take her mind off of all of the recent drama. She's only somewhat successful, but she's trying.]

Just some more friendship affirmation. You don't have any news, do you? Um... non-killed-horribly news. I could stand to think about something else for a while.

[Aradia shrugs]

Not really. I mean, I haven't really been paying much attention. Mostly I've been working my way through the movie collection here.

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❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

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