❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

[guiltapalooza]

Characters Willow (guiltapalooza) and you! OPEN.
Setting: The second floor hall.
Format: Action tags.
Warnings: Mentions of violent death.
Summary: A few days after her death, Willow still hasn't gotten her magic back, but this time it isn't the tower's fault. (Also includes a thread for immediately after her resurrection to log with Eridan.) There will be opportunity later to violently harass her, I promise, but for now friendlies only, please?

[Her heart is in her throat, loudly enough that she'd almost think anyone nearby could hear it and know she was there. But she'd been holing up in Eridan's room for a couple days now, ever since she'd come back to life, and at some point she needed to leave. She needed food, for one thing, and for another she had to sleep in her own bed soon or she'd start going crazy.

Her magic still hadn't come back, and it terrified her. Nothing worked. No amount of meditation, prayer, or supplication, no spell she'd tried could coax it out. Magic was what Willow defined herself by, the thing that gave her any amount of self-confidence; without it, she wasn't anything. She was almost useless, just that dumb little girl in high school who'd chased after Buffy and Xander like a pathetic puppy, desperate for attention and approval. She may have committed mistake after mistake with her magic, may have done some undeniably terrible, awful things, but it gave her power. It made her someone.

Not that she regretted helping Eridan. But she'd made a lot of enemies here, and she knew they wouldn't balk at taking the chance to tear her apart while she was defenseless. She just had to hold out. It was temporary -- had to be temporary.

She peeks her head tentatively outside the door, and starts to slowly edge into the hallway. Any of her previous cheer from last week has been drained from her completely, and left behind is a wan, blank-faced girl.]


(for wwaterboy)
[The sleep paralysis is worse than she'd given it credit for. The first time she'd woken up here, she'd been freaked and scared, sure; but now, the ten minutes last forever, her mind replaying endlessly what had happened. Her breathing is uneven with grief, tears sliding from her eyes and down her cheeks even as she can't move.

The second feeling returns, she lurches out of bed, half-stumbling and half-racing out the door and down to his room. She has to see for herself, or she won't be able to believe it. There's always a first time for someone to not come back.]

Comments

[wwaterboy]

[He sniffles miserably and hugs her again, burying his face against her shoulder]

I just don't deservve anyone so completely wwonderful as you...

[guiltapalooza]

Yes, you do. [She reaches up and twists her fingers into his hair, just hanging on.] I know what it's like to get like that. You do deserve me.

[She can't say it's not his fault. He'd killed someone, even if they were drones, and she'd killed people that weren't drones while she was like that. Willow can't pretend they're not both responsible. But it's true that she understands, and that it doesn't change her feelings.]

[wwaterboy]

[He sniffles again. He doesn't know how to deal with those words, at all. He knows deep down he's really just a sea dweller with an attitude, and he got her killed, being violent. Maybe he really was all that they said sea dwellers were. But she forgave him so easily.]

Do you...think she's really gone? Think that wwas really her?

[guiltapalooza]

[She takes a moment to think on that, weighing her words, and then speaks quietly.] I don't know. [She can't be anything less than honest with him.] We don't really have a way to know, not for sure. I'm-- I'm sorry.

[Willow swallows, tightening her grip on him.] But it was a lie when they put you in that nightmare world, remember? She must be okay, somewhere.

[wwaterboy]

Yeah, I knoww it wwas a lie then. [He draws her towards his sleeping rectangle, sighing] But it seemed more real this time. Like they wwere tryin' their best to bring her here, but they killed her...

[He sits down, depression weighing on him] I nevver hurt so bad in my life. I think I wwent crazy wwith it.

[guiltapalooza]

I know. But we're both okay now. [She sits behind him and lets her hand fall, taking one of his in both of hers and holding it in her lap.] If they could bring us back, they're definitely capable of doing that for her.

Don't give up on her until you know for sure. I don't need to meet her to know that she wouldn't want that.

[wwaterboy]

[He nods sadly, and shifts, leaning back against her with his back against her soft chest. He squeezes her hand, bringing it to his lips.]

I'm sorry I dragged you into it, though. You didn't need to get hurt so bad, along wwith me.

[guiltapalooza]

[Having her hand kissed makes tears well up in her eyes and stand there, not falling. It's a moment of gentleness after the incredible violence and panic of earlier, the adrenaline rush that was only now ending.]

Don't-- don't apologize. If you get hurt, I want to be hurt, too. [It's far from the healthiest thing to say or think, but Willow can't deny that it's true. And one moment later she realizes what it means.]

Can you look at me? Please.

[wwaterboy]

[He almost feels as if he doesn't have the right to do as she asks, but she's asked for it, so he shifts up and turns, meeting her gaze with difficulty]

All I wwant is to protect you, but I can't... you protect ME most a the time.

[guiltapalooza]

You don't have any idea how much you do for me. You protect me from the person I've never been able to protect myself from: myself.

[She leans in and places a light, gentle kiss on his lips, and when she draws back she is somber and certain and meets his eyes directly, holding them.]

I love you.

[wwaterboy]

[He draws in a breath and glubs it out on a sigh, then wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her hair]

I glubbin' lovve you, too, Wwill. Nevver evver leavve. Please.

[guiltapalooza]

I won't, [she promises, voice strong and tight and holding in tears as she clutches at him.] I told you, barnacle, remember? And you don't get to die again, either. Cause I'm really tired of... of loving someone, and then they...

And I can't do anything-- [She's been holding it in the whole time, but putting it into words now makes Willow break down, and she suddenly starts to sob into his shoulder. Having to watch him die in front of her was something that wouldn't stop haunting her for a long time.]

[wwaterboy]

[His own tears start flowing again as she sobs, but he cries more softly than she does, holding her close and rocking her gently with little shooshes and gentle paps to her hair.

A part of him wonders if he should get Xander, since he's her moirail, but he doesn't have a moirail to comfort him. And anyway, he's here now, and she needs him. It's fine.

He closes his eyes and clings to her]

It's not your fault, Wwill... it'll be okay. Wwe havve each other.

[guiltapalooza]

[Xander would be nice right now, she won't lie, but mostly Willow wants to hold onto him until she can start to believe that he won't disappear again. She cries some more and lets it out, and that with how comforting he's being is cathartic.

Eventually she does calm enough to lean back and realize he's crying, too. It's so obvious with the purple all down his face. She pulls her sleeve over her hand and gently wipes at his face with it, uncaring of any stains.]

It's not either of our faults, we're just... going to feel guilty, anyway. [She's familiar enough with things like this to know that for sure.] But we'll be okay, we'll figure it out. We have to.

[wwaterboy]

[He nods and glubs softly, letting her wipe away his tears and lifting a hand to wipe away hers with his fingers. He sniffles and sags a bit when that's done, feeling cried out and headachy and not sure what to do next.]

Wwe havve to be okay, I guess.

[guiltapalooza]

[She knows that feeling well, has been ignoring her own headache. Her voice is soft when she answers.] Yeah... we don't really have a choice. Or at least not a good one.

[She leans into him and half crawls onto his lap, out of words. Willow doesn't want to do anything but get as close to him as she can right now, doesn't want him out of her sight, doesn't want to think about anything else.]

[wwaterboy]

[And he feels the same way. He falls silent, holding her close, luxuriating in her presence. Maybe if they just stay like this forever, nothing else bad will happen]

[guiltapalooza]

[If only. She wishes that were true, too.

It's long, long minutes before she finally takes a breath, speaks again.] ... Do you mind if I stay in here with you for a while? I can't stay too long or I'll go crazy, but I-- I need to be able to see you.

[wwaterboy]

I don't mind! [His fingers tighten on her] I'm sure you could stay a night or twwo, maybe? Tai and Vventus and the other guy wwon't mind, either, or I'll havve wwords wwith them.

[guiltapalooza]

You won't need to have words. I've been assured that my pouting is a drastic weapon... against some people, at least. [She's trying to recover some of her humor in order to stop being so bleak, but it still falls a little flat, and then she's back to being sad and serious.]

I'll stay as long as I think I can.

[wwaterboy]

Wwell...the truth is I don't knoww if you can use your poutin' on Vventus, on account a him being blind. [He's mostly just talking, filling space, giving them both something to focus on.] But all a them are pretty nice except the older human is taciturn, but I don't think he's bad.

[guiltapalooza]

[Talking about something else for a while is a relief. She just slumps against him, some of the tension finally draining as she starts to accept that they're both safe now.]

Good thing you have decent roommates. Link got stuck with, like, a mortal enemy from home in his room, and I had to go ward it for him so he wouldn't get killed in his sleep. I'd worry about you all the time if you ended up with that.

[wwaterboy]

Fuck, that sounds hard. [He can feel her tension draining out, and that helps him to relax, too. He sighs softly and nuzzles her cheek, pressing a soft kiss to the peachy skin] I'm glad there aren't any trolls in my respite block.

[guiltapalooza]

[She's relieved to nuzzle back, resting her head on his shoulder and hiding her face against his neck. Just being close to him is all she wants right now.] Some of them are nice, yourself being exhibit A, but yeah. I can get not wanting to deal with it. You shouldn't have to.

[wwaterboy]

[He hugs her close, luxuriating in the flattery] I don't get along wwith other trolls. Either they're sea dwwellers, or mid bloods, or high bloods, and nearly all a them don't wwork out for some reason.