towerofanimus | ❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

Entry tags:

❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

Characters Willow (

guiltapalooza) and you! OPEN.
Setting: The second floor hall.
Format: Action tags.
Warnings: Mentions of violent death.
Summary: A few days after her death, Willow still hasn't gotten her magic back, but this time it isn't the tower's fault. (Also includes a thread for immediately after her resurrection to log with Eridan.) There will be opportunity later to violently harass her, I promise, but for now friendlies only, please?

[Her heart is in her throat, loudly enough that she'd almost think anyone nearby could hear it and know she was there. But she'd been holing up in Eridan's room for a couple days now, ever since she'd come back to life, and at some point she needed to leave. She needed food, for one thing, and for another she had to sleep in her own bed soon or she'd start going crazy.

Her magic still hadn't come back, and it terrified her. Nothing worked. No amount of meditation, prayer, or supplication, no spell she'd tried could coax it out. Magic was what Willow defined herself by, the thing that gave her any amount of self-confidence; without it, she wasn't anything. She was almost useless, just that dumb little girl in high school who'd chased after Buffy and Xander like a pathetic puppy, desperate for attention and approval. She may have committed mistake after mistake with her magic, may have done some undeniably terrible, awful things, but it gave her power. It made her someone.

Not that she regretted helping Eridan. But she'd made a lot of enemies here, and she knew they wouldn't balk at taking the chance to tear her apart while she was defenseless. She just had to hold out. It was temporary -- had to be temporary.

She peeks her head tentatively outside the door, and starts to slowly edge into the hallway. Any of her previous cheer from last week has been drained from her completely, and left behind is a wan, blank-faced girl.]

(for wwaterboy)
[The sleep paralysis is worse than she'd given it credit for. The first time she'd woken up here, she'd been freaked and scared, sure; but now, the ten minutes last forever, her mind replaying endlessly what had happened. Her breathing is uneven with grief, tears sliding from her eyes and down her cheeks even as she can't move.

The second feeling returns, she lurches out of bed, half-stumbling and half-racing out the door and down to his room. She has to see for herself, or she won't be able to believe it. There's always a first time for someone to not come back.]

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[Willow sits across from her on Eridan's bed, and draws her knees up to her chin.]

I, um... I died. [She says this softly.] I died trying to save Eridan, but he was killed, too. By the tower workers with the red collars.

[Oh. That certainly got a wide-eyed look out of Echidna. Sure they didn't die here, and Echidna had even died herself once before but...what, do you say to that.]

W-What happened?! Are you OK?!

[OK those are both kind of dumb questions, but cut her some slack.]

[It's pretty much what Willow would have asked, so she can't blame her. But she can't meet her eyes, either.]

Not... not really. No. I don't have my magic anymore. They put Feferi's corpse in Eridan's room, and... and he went crazy. The tower guards, the red collared ones, killed both of us. [It's harder to put it in more words than that, to relive the details out loud when she doesn't have anger carrying her through it.]

[Echidna covered he mouth with her hands, a look of horror on her face. She didn't quite know Willow's Eridan, but the Eridan and Feferi she knew about were ridiculous close, ad that was just cruel.]

O-Oh my gosh I am so sorry...!! Were, were you trying to stop him? I-- W-Why would they do that?!

[She can't answer the last question, has been wondering that herself even though she knows that Echidna means it rhetorically. Every time it occurs to her, Willow ends up upset again, angry or crying or both. So she'll just rattle off more facts, tired and trying to stay blank.]

He was killing the drones in the kitchen. I told him I'd help him find who'd done it if he'd stop, and... and he did, I-- I can't blame him for it, any of it. It was wrong, but... I've done the same thing myself. I've done worse.

[With everything else floating through her mind, her foray into the black arts is strong in her mind, and Willow doesn't have enough presence of mind to keep it to herself.]

Worse...?

[She asked that question almost on accident, her brain still catching up to process what had happened before she realized she was saying. So she spoke hurriedly so that Willow didn't feel obligated to answer it.]

But that...! They put his friend's corpse in his room! The drones barely even react to anything, and he wouldn't have even done it if they hadn't done what they did!! Neither of you are wrong!!

[Coherency reaching critical disappearance levels, and she wasn't even there!]

[Ordinarily Willow is fairly good about facing up to her past mistakes, no matter how graphic and horrendous they were, because it's one of those things that she tries to be. She knows that denying what she's done is a short road to darkness. But right now, not having to talk about it is a relief; she still feels the lingering weight of failure, the throat-catching awfulness of immense guilt. It doesn't matter how irrational it is, it's there. Eridan had died in front of her. She'd died.

So moving on with the conversation was just as well, and she follows Echidna's incoherency without too much trouble. She and Xander spoke this way to each other a lot.] It's wrong to kill anyone-- or anything-- even if they don't react. [Willow shakes her head.] It's too dangerous to start thinking that it's okay.

But they... they were terrible. I can't believe they did it, it still feels so surreal.

[Right. Can't think like that. The only thing that lays that way is the path to Chaotic Neutral.

She fidgeted with the end of her sleeve a bit; she was never really good at talking when things got really serious, even if she wanted to help. So after a minute, she got up, made her way closer to where Willow was sitting, and gave her a hug.]

I-I'm sorry... I'm not really sure what to say but... Whenever I was upset m-my mom would give me a hug and we could eat ice cream or watch Star Trek and I know that's kind of dumb given the situation... b-but I figure, a hug might help..a little....

[Willow is unresponsive with surprise for a few seconds, but then suddenly reaches out, wrapping her arms around her and clinging. She hides her face in her shoulder, and starts to sniffle.]

Oh-- oh no... I was trying not to cry, Echidna, you're-- you're going to make me cry again... [She's always been a silent crier, so though tears leak from her eyes and make Echidna's shirt slightly damp, there's no accompanying noise. There's something about a sympathetic hug that really gets to her, and she feels helplessly embarrassed.] I'm sorry.

[Echidna didn't mind the now wet state of her shirt. When Willow clung, she just hugged her tighter.] Don't apologize-- none of this is your fault...! My parents always said it was better to cry than to bottle up your feelings, so don't feel bad..

[She tried to hold back a sniffle herself there. She was starting to get more upset just by affiliation.

I can't just cry forever. After Tara died, it felt like I did that for weeks, a-and I don't want to do that again.

[She pulls back a little so that they can see each other's faces again, but leaves her arms around her. She's a tactile person, and it's comforting even as she continues to sniffle.] I really lost it when I saw him die. I thought I was past that... that reaction. [It's terrifying Willow that she might not be.]

Not... I think everyone is human-- and even if you get over it once... i-it's hard to get over it again. Especially when it's something like this. [Granted, she didn't have much experience with family members dying, but she could take a pretty good guess.]

But even if it is really hard to get over a reaction like that... humans are also way stronger than a lot of people think...! People have bounced back from a lot of bad stuff...!

I... I know, but...

I don't want to hurt people just because something bad happened to me. I don't want to be her. [A few more tears slide down her face, because this, this is what's really upsetting her.] I'm so scared of myself-- I don't even have my magic now, and I'm s-still scared.

[Oh god she really wanted to know what happened, but--

No OK this was more important. Asking her about it would probably just make her more upset.]

...You know, in stories, they always have the dark, edgy anti-hero that always ends up being the fan-favorite?

[There isn't much that won't make Willow upset right now. She feels badly for making Echidna deal with all of this even as she wipes at her face with the edge of her shirt sleeve.]

I don't want to be dark at all. I-I don't. I thought... I thought I knew who I was, and then it was like I woke up one day and... I wasn't her anymore. And I thought I was dealing, but always before when we-- had to face enemies, it was us, it was all of us, and no one else is here and I have to fight everyone myself--

And I'm tired of missing people! I don't want to do this anymore. [She had never before had so much sympathy with Buffy wanting to quit her destiny. She thought she'd felt for her on it before, but she'd never felt it personally.]

You don't have to fight alone...! [She kind of said that without thinking, and pulled away a bit so she could look at Willow more directly. But...really, what could she do about that?]

I-I... I don't want to either. I miss my mom, and my dad and my grandpa and my grandma and my friends.. b-but.. [She looked down and away now; why was she complaining, she couldn't even do anything useful here...!]

[She sniffled a little and did her best to discretely wipe away the water forming under her eyes from under her glasses.] Th-The dark edgey anti-hero always changes their ways when they want to change And then they're not dark anymore...!

[And she did her best to smile again.] S-So don't worry. You won't be dark.

[Willow's full on sniffling now, too, helplessly smiling back. It's all so unsolvable and upsetting that now they're coming out the other side, and are cheering each other up by virtue of having nowhere farther down to go. Willow is well accustomed to the feeling.]

I-I don't make a good anti-hero in the first place. I don't even like swearing, a-and, I go all incoherent and gooey when I see kittens. I think Hellboy has that market cornered already.

[There's a few more moments where she just lets the tension and stress slowly drain away, puts these nonsensical jokes in their place-- and then she reaches forward again and clutches Echidna close in a tight hug.] Thanks, [she whispers. It helps so much just not to be alone.]

[She couldn't help a giggle at that, though it was still punctuating by quite a few sniffles.]

I'm sure Hellboy has his moments of weakness when faced with tiny fluff balls.

[And she gladly returned the hug, clinging to Willow a bit herself.]

Eheh...! That's what friends are for. [Made things a whole lot bearable, that was for sure.]

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❝what rushes into my heart and my skull❞

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