I'm not always like this, it's something I've become

[chronomancer]

Characters: Jaderi and YOU.
Setting: Caffeteria.
Format: I'll start with action, but I'll match you.
Summary: Eridan's back from a month abroad, and he's very much in need of comfort food. Pancakes are close enough to waffles anyway.
Warnings: Eridan being way more of a douchebag than ever before. Also possibly violence and death if he gets upset. He's got a gun and surprisingly few qualms about using it right now.

[So. Back in tower wonderstuck. Eridan is mildly depressed at the fact this is actually improvement somehow, over... well. That.

But we're not talking about that.

No.

Really.

We are not.

But if you want to talk about something else entirely, you're welcome to approach Eridan, who's sitting in a table by his lonesome, an empty plate of oatmeal at his left and a piled up plate of pancakes to his right.

They ain't waffles but, you know. Close enough.]

Comments

[chronomancer]

[Eridan shrugs, tearing another chunk of pancake with his teeth. It's a bit mindless, the way he's eating. It doesn't help he spent a month systematically starving himself, and then another one actually starving for lack of food. He's a bit on the thin side of things right now. But hey, that's what comfort foods are for. He offers an empty, lopsided grin at Gamzee.]

'm not really eatin' them for the looks, though.

[hystericull]

Tch.

[Fair enough. Gamzee didn't really discriminate when it came to food, himself. Not that you'd really be able to tell. Guess they were both just a pair of walking bones. That grin of his was so unconvincing it hurt. Except, it didn't really hurt, it was just sort of unbelievably telling. Chalk that up as another thing they Weren't Going To Talk About.]

Touché, motherfucker.

[He sat himself on the edge of the bench seat, a comfortable distance away from Eridan, staring at the pancake conglomeration in his hand. Why did he think this was a good idea, he had zero fucking appetite as of late. The chunky, steamy mess in front of him sort of made him feel like he was going to make a chunky, steamy mess of his very own.]

[Wasteful as always, he dumped the fried crap all over the floor, wiping the excess grease and pancake crumbs on to his pants.]

Got all a motherfuckin' hankerin' for some good ol' Tower grub while you was all up and to be out of this fuckin' joint, then? Couldn't get your motherfucking wait on to all making the wickedest of beelines for the food service block when you snapped your fucking happy-ass stubs back up at here?

[God, he was being such a fucking douchebag. Whatever.]

[chronomancer]

It's edible.

[Eridan's deadpan was sharp and unguarded and he offered Gamzee a look over the rim of his sunglasses. Then he looked down at his plate of pancakes a little mournfully.]

Would've been all kinds 'a bitchin' if they were waffles, though.

[hystericull]

[Okay he is not even going to ask what a waffle is because if it's anything like this nasty shit he doesn't want to know about any more of your freaky breakfast food obsessions.]

Princess gotta complain 'cause the shitty Tower ain't got what she be wanting to put in her big motherfuckin' mouth.

[chronomancer]

Well, hon, princess be really fuckin' picky about the shit she puts in her motherfuckin' mouth.

[Eridan rolled his eyes and took another bite of pancake.]

Ain't a crime, last time I checked.

[hystericull]

[He snorted.]

Like it'd fuckin' bother you if it all were.

[chronomancer]

[Eridan grinned, full of teeth and without a single fuck to be given.]

Well no, but it's polite to pretend.

[hystericull]

[As if Gamzee couldn't tell by his username on the network, the grin was the icing on top of the shit cake.]

You all up and fuckin' were to be lyin' at me earlier, motherfucker.

[chronomancer]

I did?

[He looks momentarily surprised by that. Then he finishes his pancake, absently licking his fingers as he studies Gamzee's expression.]

[hystericull]

[He nods mischievously.]

You said you weren't all to bringing my ass somethin' motherfuckin' back with you.

[chronomancer]

[Eridan tilts his head slightly to the side.]

...mmmhmmm. I did say that, yeah.

[hystericull]

[A snicker.]

Looks all like you were up and to be bringin' back some salty-ass motherfuckin' 'tude all home with you, though.

["Home." Did he really just call it that?]

Got a little more bitch in you that what's motherfucking par for the jadecourse, you all fuckin' do.

[chronomancer]

[Eridan snorted loudly and reached for another pancake.]

Who says I ain't always this fuckin' salty?

[He gave Gamzee a lopsided smirk.]

Eh?

[hystericull]

Me.

[The only laughs coming out of his gaping, polluted windhole were curt, and he watched absently as Eridan downed yet another of those disgusting, flat things.]

And you ain't never had no motherfuckin' scruples on gettin' your harsh on at a brother before.

[Gamzee scoffed, resting his elbows back on the table and sticking a thumbnail in between his fangs.]

Ain't complainin' on it all for one motherfuckin' second, though. Refreshin' as mother fucking tits to be all dealt a nookful of snark from a bitch in this motherfuckin' place.

[chronomancer]

Call it as I see it, bro. Just call it as I see it.

[Eridan chuckles a bit dryly, shrugging under Gamzee's scrutiny.]

Speaking 'a snarkin' the shit out 'a you, you look like regurgitated hoofbeast shit, Gam.

[hystericull]

[Okay, this gets a genuine laugh out of him. They were short of the honking, but it was closer than he'd gotten in a long while. Even though he knew full well he looked absolutely miserable right now - no paint, dark shadows beneath his eyes, a big, purple lip from the fist of the one and only Jade Strider - he wasn't expecting that observation to come out quite so suddenly. Then again, there was no reason for it not to, given Miss Bitch over here.]

Sorry, bulgebiter. Shoulda went all to get fuckin' dolled the fuck up before trucking a brother's sorry ass down here to get his watch on of you stuffing your motherfuckin' face full of food.

The fuck was I motherfucking thinking!?

[chronomancer]

Exactly, I mean, shit, Makara, way to ruin my dreams of highbloods swoopin' down in formal wear and all.

[Deadpanning bullshit all over the place, do you enjoy that?]

Least you could've done is comb that fuckin mane or somethin'.

[And then, softly.]

At least tell me you fucked someone's shit up for that.

[hystericull]

[Oh man, did that lip raise as far as it could in disgust.]

We gonna up and be so fuckin' stereotypical, maybe you oughtta learn to mind your motherFUCKING manners around me, midblood.

[With a quick, sharp glare, he's practically spitting in irritation.]

DON'T SAY A FUCKIN' WORD ALL ON MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR, NEITHER.

[chronomancer]

[Eridan arched an eyebrow in reply, then shrugged.]

Duly noted.

[Note the, for once, genuine lack of fear. His own lip curls slightly into an amused smirk.]

Hair's sacred.

[hystericull]

[Gamzee made a barely-audible huh in response. He wasn't expecting it to be that easy, honestly. Pretty dope of Eridan to drop it. BUT IT DIDN'T REDEEM HIM FROM BEING A COMPLETE AND UTTER NOOKWIPE THE REST OF THE TIME.]

Sure as fuck is, motherfucker. Oh--

[His look hardened again. His brows knit together, his eyes narrowed, and his mouth flattened out in to a furious slash across his face. With the anger from everything weighing on him behind his fist, he smashed his bony knuckles right into the side of Eridan's shoulder as hard as he could, drawing back into his previous position once he'd gotten that out of his system.]

That's for fuckin' with my moirail, you piece of shit.

[chronomancer]

Sonabitch.

[Now Eridan wasn't a wilting flower. You don't spend your life battling the forces of the undead, and then the forces of SGRUB and get to stay a wilting flower. But he's lost a good chunk of weight and he really wasn't bracing for that hit, so when Gamzee punches him, he crumples off the seat to land on a mildly awkward mess of limbs on the floor.]

Fuck. Ow.

[He glared a little, sunglasses askew on his face.]

Duly fucking noted, shit.

[He took a moment to lie on the ground, absently rubbing his abused shoulder, before he blinked. And looked up at Gamzee.]

Er. Who's your moirail again?

[hystericull]

[JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ERIDAN WERE YOU NOT HIS FRIEND!?]

[I mean, no. Fuck that. They weren't friends.]

[...Were they?]

[It didn't matter.]

I AM MOTHERFUCKING FORCE-FED ALL THE SAPPY-ASS, FLUFFY, DIAMOND DIARRHEA DRIVEL WHAT SHITS OUTTA YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE AT ALL TIMES OF THE MOTHER FUCKING DAY OR NIGHT about that bitch who up and left your ass here, and you ain't even got it in you to remember on who's I all got in that quadrant for my fuckin' own?

[It didn't really bother him, honestly. Gamzee was content with smacking the shit out of Eridan over it and calling it a day. But he might continue to be a sandy little nookhole to Karkat if Gamzee didn't tell him.]

...Karkat. The fuckin' slate-texted one. Be all wicked appreciative in you to not fucking rustle his motherfuckin' nubs what's ain't no more than they're already to be mother fucking rustled.

'CAUSE THEN IT BECOMES MY MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM.

[chronomancer]

[Eridan choked a laugh at that, shifting around until he got mildly comfortable on the spot. Yes, his back is lying on the floor. Yes, his legs are still tangled on the seat. But he manages to look rather chill about the whole affair.]

That's 'cause we both know I spew diamond diarrhea at the smallest provocation, Gam. You, on the other hand, never do.

[A small pause.]

But that said, congrats.

[The smile is almost, almost genuine. Almost. It's a little faded and really rusty, but then it's gone because he's pushing himself up back to his seat, mostly unruffled.]

To be fair though. Kid really needs to take a chill pill or twenty. Having you as a moirail will probably do wonders for his bloodpressure.

[Yes, he's saying you are good for someone, not the other way around. WELL THEN.]

[hystericull]

Yeah, yeah...

[Maybe he liked keeping his shit private, okay!? Maybe he... wait, what? "Maybe he liked keeping his shit private?" Since when did Gamzee Makara ever keep anything from anyone? Everyone got to know every single trivial detail of his life whether they wanted to or not!]

[Ugh, he knew why. Not that he was ashamed of having Karkat as his moirail, but by admitting he needed one, admitting that he needed someone around to pacify his stupid, murderous ass was, in turn, admitting that this filterless, psychopathic maniac who heard fucking voices was actually who he was.]

[He wasn't sure that was something he was ready to admit. For now, he would just go with the fact that he apparently had an Anger Issue. Karkat had anger issues, too. They were the same, almost. Sort of.]

[Not really.]

[This was a really awkward place in the conversation.]

[With his mind already on this track, Eridan suddenly spouting sincere sentiments at him was pretty much the last motherfucking thing he needed. Could they just go back to the extremely-transparent-yet-therapeutic douchebaggery that was happening a moment ago?]

Yeah, he gets all--

Uh.

[Why were they talking about this!?!?!?!?!?]

I don't.

[Why.]

Really think it will. Or is.

[Were they talking about this.]

But, uh.

...Anyway.

[chronomancer]

This is why you eat pancakes.

[Eridan smiled lightly, carefully not laughing.]

You always know where you're standing with pancakes. Namely you eat the fuckers and don't talk about feelings.

[Eridan arched both eyebrows.]