gAmZeE MaKaRa ♑ terminallyCapricious (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hystericull) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
towerofanimus2012-08-31 02:52 am
hystericull) wrote in towerofanimus2012-08-31 02:52 am
Entry tags:
006 ♑ [sixth honk]
Characters: [OU] Gamzee and [OU] Tavros.
Setting: Floor 35.
Format: Action that may or may not be tl;dr in nature.
Summary: Awkward post-makeout, post-meltdown alien teenage boy conversations.
Warnings: Gamzee's mouth. Secondhand embarrassment to the moon and back.
[Gamzee had never been on this floor. Ever. He was slowly beginning to regret this fact, actually. After his fucking embarrassing freakout, the only options he could see for himself were: a. superglue himself to Karkat for the rest of his life, and b. sit somewhere far away from people and just stay the fuck out of everything and everyone's business.]
[Since Karkat was nowhere in sight, one could safely assume this to be Option B.]
[The reason he'd been regretting not visiting this floor sooner was because, well, it was the closest thing to home that he could remember. Sure, the lake was no ocean, but it was water, and there was sand, and it would do. Fuck, it would have to do. Instead of staring out into the endless horizon, he stared down at the seemingly endless floor of the water. He was tucked away, sitting as close to the water as he could without getting himself soaked, peering down into the lake absently - much like the staring he used to do, only bereft of any sort of wonderment or sleepy enthusiasm, instead replaced with infinite listlessness, and a permanent frown etched on his naked face.]
Setting: Floor 35.
Format: Action that may or may not be tl;dr in nature.
Summary: Awkward post-makeout, post-meltdown alien teenage boy conversations.
Warnings: Gamzee's mouth. Secondhand embarrassment to the moon and back.
[Gamzee had never been on this floor. Ever. He was slowly beginning to regret this fact, actually. After his fucking embarrassing freakout, the only options he could see for himself were: a. superglue himself to Karkat for the rest of his life, and b. sit somewhere far away from people and just stay the fuck out of everything and everyone's business.]
[Since Karkat was nowhere in sight, one could safely assume this to be Option B.]
[The reason he'd been regretting not visiting this floor sooner was because, well, it was the closest thing to home that he could remember. Sure, the lake was no ocean, but it was water, and there was sand, and it would do. Fuck, it would have to do. Instead of staring out into the endless horizon, he stared down at the seemingly endless floor of the water. He was tucked away, sitting as close to the water as he could without getting himself soaked, peering down into the lake absently - much like the staring he used to do, only bereft of any sort of wonderment or sleepy enthusiasm, instead replaced with infinite listlessness, and a permanent frown etched on his naked face.]
no subject
-maybe it will be less painful if he kept it all in. And by that he meant- don't fucking react. Don't speak. Don't think. Just keep that nice mouth of yours shut and focus on other things. Tavros was good at it. He'd spent most of his life taking one abuse after another from a certain spider troll, and in time- he couldn't do anything but zone out or pretend he's somewhere else. Let her talk herself to exhaustion. So, yeah, this might come in handy right now.
Except- it's not really working this time. He heard Gamzee loud and clear. It's all in his head right now. He looks at him again, eyes slightly narrowed. ]
I don't fucking what?
[ Oh god, he felt like such a shitty hypocrite. Not too long ago he was talking about how he's going to change and be that hero for Gamzee, but- he honestly didn't know what to do right now. He couldn't think! He is just so- oh god, he felt so frustrated. It was making him so angry. The fact he didn't know what to fucking do, or feel about this. No, what irritated him the most is that he didn't know how to respond! He couldn't speak!
Basically, Gamzee is saying that he wasn't serious about the confession. Okay, yeah, he was stuttering and being a total idiot, and yes he picked his words poorly, and he was being uncertain and-
Well, fuck. He can't really blame Gamzee for not buying his shit, can he? He fucked up. He fucked up beyond repair. He didn't need another harsh reminder. And like a totally mature adult, he takes it out on his best friend.
He let's out a heavy exhale, and he shrugged his shoulders. ]
Then why did you bring it up? If it's such a horrible topic to discuss ... why did you bring it up, then? That's just really unfair. I-
[ Bad choice of words, he knew that. Thus, he's even more frustrated, hands on his face again in a desperate attempt to get it together before speaking. ]
I'm sorry. Sorry, I ... Gamzee, look, I don't want to fight anymore. Please, if forgetting about it will make this stop, then okay- I will drop it. All forgotten. I won't mention it again.
Just ... I'm so tired. Please, let's not do this right now.
trust is like an eraser it gets smaller and smaller with every mistake
[At the loss of contact, Gamzee turned his head to face the boy, and when he'd been snapped at, his eyes grew noticeably wider. Tavros had never gotten curt with him like that. It made him feel a lot of things at once - mostly guilt, which was becoming quite the unfamiliar feeling these days. His mouth sort of fell open in shock, just a small parting of his lips, but anything he was thinking of saying had been sucked right out of him.]
[This hurt. This hurt and he deserved it, because he'd just treated one of his most favorite people like complete and utter shit. He had invalidated his feelings, just like, just like everyone else did to him. Gamzee had truly believed that Tavros was misinterpreting his own emotions back then, when he'd told him (or alluded to, at least - his wording was a little vague) how he'd felt about him. In assuming that, he'd probably made Tavros feel like Gamzee didn't take him seriously at all. It was never the case! Never ever ever, but that is precisely what he'd done to him.]
I just-- I--
[With every emotion came more audible thoughts in his head. Apologize to him say something CULL HIS ASS why did you bring it up PUT HIM IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING PLACE kiss him BAPTIZE THIS MOTHERFUCKING STRETCH OF SAND AND SURF WITH THE SHITTIEST OF HUES--]
I don't know!!!
[His hands had grasped the sides of his head, fingers twining around whatever messy curls they could, gripping them tight in an attempt to refocus himself.]
I mean--
[Get a hold of yourself, Makara. This was a bad, bad idea, and he should have never agreed to it. This was a learning experience, at least. Never try to talk with someone about shit before talking to Karkat about it first. It was impossible to relay a toned-down version of how he was feeling without first being able to get it out in its rawest form. Gamzee closed his eyes for a moment, hands still twisted in his hair, and let a heavy breath out. Try not to look too crazy in front of the precious boy that you just pissed right the fuck off.]
I fuckin' made--
[No. Wrong tone, try again. Try talking without clenching your teeth.]
I fuckin' made what's all the illest of miscalculations on that, brother. Thought we could be hashin' everything the fuck out all at motherfucking once, like bros. I fuckin' ain't at no motherfuckin' place to be all doing that, though.
[He had to stop again. If he took it slow, he'd be able to maintain his composure for the duration of this. What was left of it, anyway.]
Kinda... kinda thought I'd be gettin' my harsh on at you if we went to be up and doin' it like this way, and all. Only reason why I really didn't wanna, bro.
[Gamzee turned to his friend again, taking slow, deep breaths between his sentences, until his hands released themselves from their grip in his hair, falling uselessly to his sides.]
Let me get them angries out first, little bro. Let me all get them gone so we all be able to get our motherfuckin' slam on at this shit somethin' what's more fucking proper, yeah?
[He reached out, tentative. His hand hovered between the two of them for what seemed like forever before giving up and returning to its place on the ground.]
...Sorry, brother. You be all the only one I ain't never wanting to be hurting, and I went to do the worst at you just fuckin' now. Ain't thinkin' a motherfucker's all ever gonna be not gettin' his sorries on enough about that. Honk.
[The strained honk was almost a punctuation, admitting there was probably more he should say, but he didn't know what it was.]
no subject
He was trying so very hard to keep in mind that Gamzee is not well, but in same time he felt this incredible urge to stay angry. He wanted to be angry so badly. It was so agonizing because- hey, Gamzee just kept on going with all his deceitful words that screamed with hideous guilt and pity.
Clearly, the highblood is not interested. Why does he keep uttering false promises? Let the anger go away, and then we'll discuss this. Discuss what? List of reasons of why they shouldn't be together? Fuck this.
Then again, Tavros was totally misunderstanding his friend's approach. Right now- everything just felt like an indirect insult and he just ... wanted him to stop showering him with pity. He felt like he was being kicked when he's down. It took a great deal of struggle to keep himself under control, and regardless of all the hurt, he kept his ears in focus with Gamzee- listening to him carefully, and even going as far as nodding his head in acknowledgment.
Once he was done, Tavros opened his eyes half-way, and wow, just take one more deep breath and let's try this again.
One last time. ]
Brother- I really do appreciate your concern. But, you need to stop complicating things, and you need to stop ... doubting me. I know what I want. I know how I feel about you. From all the other trolls, Gamzee, I thought you can tell when a brother is being genuine or not.
[ He finally forced himself to look him in the eye, and Tavros was just-- the exhaustion took a whole new level. He never felt this way before, and he hated it. Hated everything about this day. This conversation. His fucking feelings. Everything! ]
I am so tired, Gamzee. I am so tired of feeling this way ...
[ His breath hitched. ]
So, please, let’s not talk about this again. No more, brother. I don’t think I can go through this again. Like you said, let’s forget it. Pretend nothing happened.
That is what you want, right?
I’ll do anything for you. So let’s just ... forget.
Phone tag there are probably 8274747 typos in here
[Whatever. What the fuck was the point in arguing? Gamzee had said he'd wanted to talk about it, then insisted he didn't, and now he was arguing again when Tavros told him to drop it. He was being as indecisive and volatile as ever, and he wished for just one moment that he could reign his emotions in so he could present himself as something at least resembling functional.]
[...But this back-and-forth was making him so angry. He and Tavros both stared at each other, irritation and frustration written all over their faces. This was not ever how he'd imagined this to go. They were always coming down from a rap-off, or playing with those cards Tavros liked so much, or talking about nonsense, and they would magically both realize that they should probably start making out or something, and then they'd split a pie and swap stories and jokes and spit and everything would be fucking perfect. But this was probably the farthest away from his stupid little fantasy that it could get. Of course, he'd never imagined them trapped in a murderous Tower, he'd never imagined himself to realize he was really fucking nuts with a serious anger issue, and, while he knew he fucked shit up sometimes, he never expected to fuck this up.]
[His protests were too late. He didn't know what to do. Everything he'd said or tried to apologize for just made Tavros even angrier. It would have made him furious if he didn't feel so fucking lost! What the fuck was he supposed to say!? Why wouldn't Tavros accept his apologies!? He didn't want any of his pity, even though he knew damn well Gamzee pitied the shit out of him! He didn't know what to say or what to do. Why wasn't it just coming to him like it always had? When did everything involving Tavros and feelings get so fucking confusing?]
I'm...
[Tavros didn't want to hear it anymore. What the fuck was the point? He said he didn't want to feel the way he felt any more, so what right did Gamzee have to try to keep him!?]
[Gamzee searched Tavros' face for any sort of sign, any clue for what to say or do. There was nothing but exhaustion, resentment, and hopelessness in there. He could feel his throat get smaller, and his teeth sank into the meat of his tongue.]
...Okay, brother. Okay.
no subject
Well, now he knows.
It was his fault more than anything, really. They were fine before, everything was perfect, he just had to ruin it by developing re-
Ugh, there is no point in thinking about this right now! There is nothing worse than tormenting yourself with 'what if's' and 'I wish that never happened'. It will do him no good, for now- he had to pull himself together, figure out what he needs to do to be better, stronger. Change. Change is good, right?
Fuck, he needed change so badly.
He hunched forward, one hand gently kneading at his scalp while trying his best not to look so frustrated. Honestly? He had no idea what to fucking say or do now. He didn't want to be a dick and excuse himself, even though that felt like the most appropriate approach. Gamzee might not want him to stick around anymore, he caused him enough stress. He always did. No matter how hard Tavros tired to reach out to him, everything seemed to backfire, and- he was so sick of fucking things up. He never wanted to be such a pain to his best friend, but- just look at them now. They couldn't look any fucking happier.
Okay, he's been quiet for far too long. It was getting awkward. Say something. Anything! ]
Uh.
[ Say something productive.
He shrugged his shoulders, staring down at his fingers and just- yeah let's admire how amazing they look right now. ]
You want to ... head back to your hive now? I could help out. Since your ankle is all ... you know.
If you're cool with it, that is.
no subject
[Not just change for the worse. He had changed, definitely. Oh, lords how he had changed. But the difference between his psycho shift and the epiphany he was having now, was maybe "going with the flow" wasn't so much about turning a blind eye to everything and ignoring things you should be doing in favor of letting things work themselves out, but perhaps reacting accordingly to situations in ways that you find instinctive, and not dwelling too much on whether or not you made the right decision.]
[It was a pain trying to wedge himself back into his old mindset, but overanalyzing things just was not working out for him. His pan was too rotten to make sound decisions, so overthinking them just caused added stress, and benefited no one. Looking back at Tavros, deep in thought, trying to calm himself because he didn't have anyone else to ease his troubles for him, Gamzee realized that, yes, he was still hopelessly red for him. He was also aware that he probably grabbed a hold of Tavros' trust in him, and gave it a good and proper shake. He wasn't sure how to deal with that, but it was something he was just going to have to try the newfound method of "working it out" on. No spazzing out, no getting crazy, no letting the anger take over. Fuck, that last part was easier said than motherfucking done. He wasn't so sure he'd be able to hold that one up.]
Oh. Uh.
[Tavros' voice had finally come around, snapping Gamzee out of his own thoughts, with a much less agonized look on his face than there was earlier.]
Got my hop on the fuck to where here all is. But, uh. I be thinkin' that motherfuckin' return trip be all a whole fuckin' lot easier with a shoulder what ain't my fucking own to be leaning on.
[He looked at the boy, who was still staring intently at his hands. It didn't matter - Gamzee offered him a wide grin anyway. It was so much easier, without overthinking. He'd hurt Tavros with his words, but that was in the past. There was nothing he could do about it now but apologize, and keep showing him the love and devotion he always had, even if it was now more likely than normal to get shot down. Gamzee was a resilient thing.]
Y'know?
no subject
Right.
Still, he couldn't help but to watch Gamzee from the corner of his eye, somewhat skeptical about his sudden change of mood. He's not entirely sure what's going on, which is weird since he knew that highblood long enough to understand his antics. Maybe that's the real problem. He wouldn't go as far as say that his trust is shaken, but he's certainly embracing the reality that he didn't know that troll as much as he thought he did. It's weird- only because as he continued staring at Gamzee, he was honestly lost and couldn't even assume what's going on through the highblood's mind right now. It was never that difficult, but Tavros reached a point where he didn't know what to expect anymore.
It was a little painful, just a little now that he was forcefully learning to keep things all bottled up, but that didn't stop him from returning the grin with a tiny smile. It was a tired one, but genuine enough. It was almost out of impulse. His beloved friend is smiling- how can he not return the gesture? Even when he is irritated, he could never deny him anything. ]
Heh. No problem, bro. I'm here to help.
[ Not wasting much time on useless thinking, Tavros shifted to his feet, standing up before having a sudden change of mind. He then decided to kneel down, back facing Gamzee and arms stretched backward. He motioned with his fingers for Gamzee to get closer and get himself all settled against his back.
It was the best approach- Tavros assumed. This way, he didn't have to go through any awkward eye contact, and he can openly make any face he felt like doing without wondering whether Gamzee would take it the wrong way or not. It was stressful ... worrying over every little word, movement and expression. With this approach, he had some freedom, and he can offer his friend enough assistant that didn't involve him moving any muscle. It was better than having the arm around his shoulder- Gamzee would either damage his ankle more or get smacked across the head with one of Tavros' massive horns.
So, this plan is definitely safer. ]
This way we will be able to reach faster.
no subject
[When Tavros kneeled before him in the other direction, he had to stare in surprise for just a moment. Was he serious? Did he really want Gamzee to climb on his back? Would he be okay carrying him up the stairs of the Tower? It wouldn't do to argue with him any further, plus, Gamzee had already gotten in enough hot water for doubting Tavros' decisions. Maybe... maybe he knew what he was doing. But--]
[No. Just. If Tavros fell, Gamzee would just have to do his best to try and save him. He couldn't question his friend any more. With a large breath in, Gamzee locked his arms around the boy's shoulders, dragging himself up so he was kneeling on his good leg, the one with the injured ankle sort of hovering gingerly a few inches from the ground. It was not smart to be moving around as much as he was - something he found out entirely too late. He hissed a few breaths through his teeth as his foot got jostled around, eventually managing to position himself against Tavros' back, hooking his legs around the offered arms.]
[He was trying so hard to will his heart to stop pounding. He could only blame it on the excursion for so long before it became apparent that it was really just that and the fact that he was pressed up against Tavros, his arms around him, and the side of his face resting almost too comfortably in the hair that was beginning to grow in on the sides of his head. Feeling it against his cheek, and the back of his horn against his chin, he began to remember the last time they were this close, in the library. Only he wasn't going to fall asleep here. The pain shooting up his leg would allow it.]
Ready for motherfuckin' takeoff, Pupa.
no subject
It would be nice if he didn't have to squirm so much against his back, or hiss closely to his ear, but Tavros ignored it. He was still a little out of it, occasionally zoning out or mull over useless thoughts that was neither productive nor relevant to their current situation. It didn't keep him from responding to Gamzee, though. He casually tipped his head to the side, making it easier for the highblood to rest against him, and once he stopped his squirming, Tavros hooked his hands under the knees, shifting both his weight and Gamzee's to his legs before rising slowly and finding his balance.
He felt ridiculously light-weighted. The lowblood didn't take it as a compliment or a sign of his strength- Gamzee just happened to be that skinny! No glory in that.
It triggered some concern within and that urge to lecture him was slowly emerging. An old habit- but he shrugged it off. He already agreed to join him for meals, so no point in getting all in his business again. Everything was fine and rocking, that is- until Gamzee's friendly attempt startled Tavros a little. He didn't really react at first, merely freezing for a few seconds before he started walking toward the exit.
Pupa.
Did he just call him-- Pupa? He couldn't remember the last time Gamzee called him that, or if he ever did! Why now, though? Is he trying to lighten the mood or something? That's most-likely the case, but he kinda wished he didn't. ]
Hehe ... he ..
[ And that's exactly why!!
He didn't want to be charmed by him. He didn't want to smile like a total idiot and be fooled again. He loved being called after his favorite hero, that is no secret. It was like- a major boost to his ego! Come on. Not even Vriska could ruin that for him, since she happened to abuse that name whenever she's around him. Pupa this, Pupa that. He still ... loved it. And to hear it from Gamzee- s i g h.
Still- Tavros didn't comment about it. He merely continued his way, nearing the stairs now. ]
You still have your recuperacoon?
no subject
[Enough sap. He'd been asked a question.]
Er, yeah. Woke up with it all being like, in the smack motherfuckin' dab middle all of my fucking respiteblock, you feel me? Cranky white diamond bro wasn't all getting' his joy ok about none of that - mostly 'cause it was gettin' slime every which where. But, uh, this motherfucker was pretty fuckin' stoked on seein' it.
[He chuckled against the side of Tavros' head. Having his recuperacoon made it so much easier to get some sleep. He wasn't trying to sleep in the hallways anymore, wasn't freezing all curled up out there and ending up not catching a wink. He still looked terrible, but at least the dark bags beneath his eyes were beginning to fade.]
Why, brother? You all wanna get your rent on of it for a night or fuckin' two? Discounted rate for a bro, you know.
[He chattered nonsensically, like he used to do, absently leaning his head forward because the angle of his neck was getting uncomfortable, trying to avoid the swing of Tavros' horn. Instead, he placed his cheek against the side of the boy's head, nestling into the groove between that horn and its skull. It was so warm. He let a breath pass through his nose.]
Nug fur's gettin' all kinds of motherfuckin' long over here, brother.
no subject
[ He'd kill to sleep in sopor again, but using Gamzee's recuperacoon would be incredibly weird and ... awkward. Right? I mean- there should be lines he can't cross anymore or something. Whatever. He'll just focus on his steps for now, glad that he managed to keep a good balance while going through the stairs, moving from one floor to another. He would occasionally stop and give Gamzee a little lift before he continues his way. Still a long way to go, but Tavros never complained or showed any signs of exhaustion. He keeps the pace steady and cautious. The last thing they need is for him to misstep and send them both rolling down the stairs.
God, he didn't want to sound like a total creep, but he couldn't get his mind over the slight pressure against the base of his horn and how oddly it felt with Gamzee's cheek pressing on it. It triggered a small smirk on his lips, lashes low and really- Gamzee couldn't see his face, so he can freely make all the weird expressions he wanted. He is allowed to relish what little attention he can get and no one can tell him otherwise.
Oh, Gamzee was talking again.
He shrugged his shoulders, and this time- his tone is noticeably calmer. He was no longer zoning out as much, deciding that he shouldn't allow himself to sulk over something he couldn't control. Easy said than done- but he was confident that it's only a matter of time before he gets over it. If things remain this smoothly, that is. ]
I might have to ask Kanaya to take care of my hair. If she's up for it, that is. The sooner the better- it's bothering me slightly.
[ Sensitive horns. They complicated his life. ]
What about you, bro? Did you ever consider getting your natural color back? She might be able to help you with that ...
no subject
Sure, motherfucker, I be feeling you. Gotta be to giving all that extra nurturing motherfuckin' noise at the little dude what's goin' to got his hurt all on. Shit's been all straight-up motherfuckin' money now what I was been able to get my fuckin' nap on in there again, for fucking sure!
[He lifted his head as he babbled, now resting his chin on top of Tavros' horn and tightening his hold around the boy's shoulders. The weight of Gamzee's head probably caused Tavros' own to tilt to the side a little from the pressure.]
Ain't no thing if you all wanna get your hop up ins, just be all saying the motherfuckin' good word, my brother.
[He was trying not to think about how he was being carried up all these floors like a fucking damsel in distress. He'd hopped all the way down there, he could have made his way back up. Admittedly, this way was much, much easier, but for Tavros not wanting to deal with all of this, he sure was making it hard for Gamzee to not deal with it. He kicked his working foot happily in Tavros' hold.]
Never seen you all fluffy like you fuckin' is now. Cute as all motherfuckin' the illest of shit, it all be.
[If that remark was uncalled for, he sure didn't notice. He was too busy thinking about Tavro's next question.]
Heheheheh, ain't no one's up at gettin' their peeps on in the miracles kickin' atop this motherfuckin' noggin mine. Not even my bestest brother! Most lamentable of motherfuckin' shames, dog.
[Gamzee paused for a moment before lowering his head a little, trying to look at Tavros while he was speaking, but only succeeding in pressing the cold tip of his nose against the boy's temple.]
Hella appreciative of this kinds of charity, you know.
no subject
It's cool, bro. Really! I'm used to the, uh, human beds by now. I guess? The nightmares aren't as bad as they ... used to be. So- It's alright.
[ There were a lot of things going on right now, and Tavros was trying to aim his attention to where they were heading, keeping his eyes focused on the path before them. Focus. It would've been a lot easier if he didn't have to deal with Gamzee squirming and pressing against him every two seconds! Tavros didn't mind it, though. Hell no. In fact, he tilts his head to the side, enough to make it simpler for Gamzee to rest on his horn as he spoke. The slight friction felt incredibly good. He even went as far moving his head in a way that allowed him to give Gamzee's chin an encouraging nudge, eyes barely open at this point. ]
... Hah? [ Oh man, he really didn't pay attention to what his brother was saying. He was balancing a lot of things at once, but he figured he was saying something about his hair and ... how Tavros didn't get his hands on it much often? Maybe??? Not gonna lie, the lowblood was having mixed feelings about this entire situation again. Tavros didn't really know what to say only because he didn't want to misunderstand his brother's advances and take it the wrong way. As he tried to collect a decent reply, his thumbs happened to be gently kneading on the fabric around the highblood's knee, securing his grasp as he felt him slipping again. ]
Uh, sure. It's not that I have a problem with your hair? I mean- I don't really care what color it is, it still looks good. To me, anyway.
... I wouldn't change anything about you.
[ He didn't react to Gamzee's attempt of having some eye-contact, but the highblood -if he was attended enough- would notice that Tavros's skin is practically on fire at this point. But, hey, they were finally on the right floor, and he's inching closer to the kid's room. ]
no subject
[He chirped happily, now at a stark 180° from his earlier foul mood. It was happening more and more - he was shifting quickly from anger to happiness, instead of staying in long periods of one or the other. He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing - and honestly, he didn't really care. He'd take these mood swings as they came. Nothing he could really do about them anyway. At least right now, he didn't have to worry about any dead bodies.]
Still had them wicked harsh-ass motherfuckers, back when all I was to be gettin' my snooze on out in between the respiteblocks, I all did...
[His nightmares were relentless, and terrible. Gamzee was so happy to finally be getting some proper sleep, he couldn't put it into words.]
...Hahahaha! You be gettin' motherfucking your space out on at me, yo? Got you all up and fuckin' tired the fuck all out cartin' my motherfuckin' ass around? Sorry, brother.
[Even though his words were apologetic, he sounded nothing but jubilant and teasing, sticking more of his head up over Tavros' shoulder and resting his cheek against the top of his head, now that Tavros' had tilted his head to better accommodate him.]
[And then a couple things happened simultaneously. Gamzee became aware of Tavros rubbing the fabric of his pants between his fingers, because they would brush against his legs every so often, sending a hot shiver up his bones and a shaky, quiet breath through his teeth. Tavros mumbled something about Gamzee's hair, but he was hardly paying much attention at this point, until he'd told him he liked him just the way he was. The happy kicking of his foot stopped, and his head ceased bobbing around, resting silently on his horn.]
Oh.
[He swallowed thicky, fingers pressing a little tighter into the boy's shoulders.]
...
I always wanted to use this icon
Man, just when things were starting to get normal between them, he had to fuck it up again. He tried not to stress about it, though. To be honest he didn't have any energy left to deal with any of his own bullshit. He really didn't need this.
He was so tired, and now he was physically drained too. His legs can barely keep up, and in the past few minutes it felt like Gamzee was suddenly gaining weight out of nowhere. Not complaining, and he's not going to react to Gamzee's sudden change of mood. Simply savoring the way he held into him now and maybe pretend that- he was actually embracing him. It was sad, but if he closed his eyes and with a little imagination- it was possible.
Reaching the door, the lowblood stopped his useless musings and kicked the door open with his foot, making his way in. It wasn't that difficult to spot the recuperacoon, and he was soon down on his knee again. Nice and slow. ]
... Careful.
[ He muttered as he, oh so very gently, lowered his friend to the ground. A part of him didn't want to do this, but he did turn to face Gamzee, not really sure what to expect from him when he finally looked him in the eye. He didn't want .... to hear him say any of those words again. For some reason having Gamzee say that he didn't want to discuss this topic was a lot easier than having to deal with 'I don't love you anymore'. So- in Tavros' mind, this was good. He didn't want to discuss any further only because he was certain he will hear those dreadful words, and he's just ... not ready for it! Not right now. Maybe when he's strong enough, he'd be able to disregard it, but now-
So, let's distract him. Keep him talking and then slip away smoothly. You can do this, Pupa! ]
Okay, uh! [ He makes awkward jazz hands before pointing swiftly toward the recuperacoon. The half-stiff-smile on his face didn't help either. ]
Do you, err, need any help settling in? Anything else a brother can do? You name it, you got it.
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[As Tavros lowered him to the ground, Gamzee couldn't help but smirk at how delicately he was being handled. Hell, he'd thrown his cast aside and hopped one-legged down the stairs to where he'd been sitting earlier - sliding off someone's back was probably manageable. Still... the fact that Tavros was treating him with such care was as endearing as it was unnecessary, and Gamzee would take what he could get in that department.]
Bein' careful, bein' careful...
[Muttering happily, Gamzee maneuvered himself on to one bare foot again. Like a flash of something dark and twisted and cold like he hadn't felt in about a week or maybe longer, the sight of Tavros on the ground before him gripped his eyeballs and squeezed. He could feel that lashing, black venom scratch through his veins with every second they remained in those positions.]
[On the ground on the ground ON THE MOTHER FUCKING GROUND.]
[But then! Tavros had stood up and turned around, facing him on eye-level, and the frigid stab of bloodlust was buried beneath Tavros' toothy grin and waving hands. If he couldn't have Tavros, maybe he could just settle for those hands.]
[...Wait, what!?]
Heh heh, brother what all I be needing from a motherfucker just be one more fuckin' thing, probably.
[Gamzee leaned gingerly back against his recuperacoon, trying to take as much weight off of his feet as possible.]
Be wanting to hash motherfuckin' all them unruly noises out what's before my little bro gets all up and fucking skittish again to try to get his scamper off on.
[He shot Tavros a grin, moving to the side of the recuperacoon enough to flop down on the side of the human bed it had been so precariously placed on.]
Be a bro and shoot the shit for fuckin' all of one motherfucking sec, my brother?
[His tone wasn't commanding as he patted the spot next to him in inquiry.]
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Uh ...
[ Tavros is still a little restless, but that didn't stop him from noticing something rather weird with his friend right now. He stood there, no longer being an awkward fool, but someone who is genuinely skeptical about what he is witnessing before him. He stares at Gamzee before he allowed his hands to drop to his sides again, somewhat unsure whether it was a good idea for him to stick around more. Haha, he thought the highblood would eagerly dismiss him, as soon as they reached his hive. It seems he was wrong, and maybe things aren't that bad between them! There is some hope, but it all went crashing down when Gamzee continued speaking.
And then he mentioned that he wanted to talk. ]
Oh.
... Sure, brother. If that's what you want ... I'll stay.
[ Oh god, it's happening now.
Gamzee wanted to talk. Possibly talk about what happened earlier, right? Maybe. He's not sure, but he's hoping that he'd start preaching about his religion instead or discuss how he's going to get a new pair of shoes. Anything! He's not ready to hear him say it now- but damn, it could happen, and he'll just have to suck it up. Tavros wished it was that easy- he was trying so hard not to shake his head, disregard his invitation and head straight to the door, but ... that won't solve anything. Plus, Tavros had to admit that was really pathetic, even for him! With that thought in mind, he urged himself to move closer, settling next to the highblood.
He kept his eyes on the ground, leaning forward with his elbows resting against the knees; fingers all curled up with each other. There was a lot of anxiety in that particular posture, and Tavros didn't even bother hiding it at first. However, he soon encouraged his body to relax and straighten his back, offering his friend an accepting smile as he looked at him. ]
I'm all ears, bro. What's up?
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[He hadn't been a very good brother, lately. Not at all. One of his main sources of happiness used to come from watching Tavros turn from an unsure, hesitant stagefright to a laughing, rhyming, confident whirlwind - and he used to be so good at helping him make that transition. He'd hurt him a little too much lately, and he was going to fix it - no matter the outcome. Being near the slime gave him some sort of comfort - if he felt angry or overwhelmed like he had before, he could just take a few mouthfuls of the stuff until it abated. This was an infinitely better setting for a discussion between bros than somewhere far away from anything that could calm him down.]
[He'd start out clean. If anything worked him up, he'd try to be as casual about ingesting the stuff as possible. He could do this! It wasn't really anything major, anyway. Tavros first, he was really the only thing that mattered in this room.]
Awww, fuck, yo. Ain't gotta all be up and getting motherfuckin' that apprehensiveness twistynoise at your guts on account of yammerin' out fucking some verses with a bro, you all fuckin' don't! Hahaha!
[Time to stop being a wiggler. Tavros hadn't reacted favorably the first time he tried shoving some of his redness at him, so it was best to just put all that fuckin' confusing bullshit on the back burner for now. Maybe they could come to some mutual agreement without getting all feelsy and balls-deep in snot. Shouldn't be how a pair of tight-knit bros like them be hashing shit out. Wouldn't be. He laughed again, resting a hand between Tavros' shoulderblades and giving him an affectionate pat there.]
Just be knowin' you're all pledging to up and be fuckin' there for a motherfucker, been wanting to all slam down in more verbalish terms about fuckin' my reciprocation of all that mirthful friendlynoise.
Meaning, like...
[He scrunched his face up, free hand rolling through the air repeatedly as he searched for simpler terms to put his thoughts into.]
Meaning how I be all wanting to still all be your best fuckin' bro, mostly. Even though we both be goin' through shit in the crazy party what's this Tower all up and motherfucking is, it's just fuckin' more reason for us to all be sticking together, yeah?
[Yeah. It was a slow start, but he was on a roll with what he'd been meaning to say. He offered Tavros a goofy grin, tapping his nails against the fabric on the back of the boy's jacket.]
That is, uh, if you all still be feeling like you wanna stick at bein' bros with this motherfucker.
[Oh, wow, WOW that could be interpreted in the complete opposite way Gamzee had meant it. Better rephrase.]
'Cause, like, you all were to be fuckin' saying at like you still were good with it, but, uh, I totally dig if you wanna, like...
[He shook his head, the nervous laugh that followed quickly grew into a sincere chuckle. He was being so stupid - he loved laughing at himself. It was so much better when you didn't have to take yourself so seriously.]
Nevermind, brother. Forget the last part. Just let's all be talkin' on how I'm gonna be your bro, whether you be all wanting to be mine in return or motherfuckin' not, yeah? Always gonna have your motherfucking back, dog.
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No, really. He's not following up with Gamzee anymore. He said something about him wanting to be best bros, but if Tavros didn't feel like it, he 'totally dig' if they stopped being ... brothers? Is that's what he's saying?
He felt stupid about getting all nervous about being rejected as a potential matesprite, but going as far as ending their friendship completely- Is Gamzee fucking serious?
Okay, he's not going to do anything dumb and immediately react without confirming shit first. He raised his index finger up, narrowing his eyes slightly at the highblood. ]
Let me get this straight ...
Are you saying that ... you're totally fine if we stopped being brothers? I mean- you will be all chill and happy if I decided that I didn't want to be friends with you anymore?
[ Haha- don't yell. Just wait. Keep it cool. ]
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[Oh my God, was he serious!? That isn't... holy fuck, was Gamzee ever bad at these things. How the fuck did he manage to fuck that one up so badly!?]
N-no, motherfucker! That ain't all what I be intending to be conveying at motherfuckin' all!
[He was still trying to keep this light. It wasn't a grave misunderstanding - he could easily re-explain himself.]
Be all up an' like losin' the most greatest thing what I all ever was to be having if that were to be the motherfuckin' case, probably.
[He nodded. That was true enough. Tavros was his closest friend. If he lost his little buddy, he... ugh. He wouldn't know what to do.]
I was just all meaning, like, I'd be getting my most humblest of respects on if you all were thinkin' to be goin' down that route, 'cause of what I been having told you earlier, mainly.
[He fidgeted.]
But that don't seem to be the fuckin' case at motherfucking all, so... it's all good, brother!
[Have another smile, although it was a little weaker with Tavros being so accusatory.]
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I hear ya.
[ He shakes his head slightly, not really getting why he had to bring this up again. They were fine, and everything was ... okay-ish? Tavros is a little upset but that is an expected reaction, considering the fact he really wanted to be in a relationship with him, but it's not working out, and he'll have to accept it. It's cool. It happens. However, Gamzee is really pushing it now.
Is he enjoying this or something? Tavros didn't really understand why he forced him to sit down, talk and all Gamzee had to say is 'Yeah, let's just be friends'. Yeah, he motherfucking knows that shit already! Don't get him wrong, he loves Gamzee, and he wants to be his friend for sure, but damnit he wanted to be more than that! The highblood knows that, so why does he keep rubbing it in his face?
Excuse him while he gently pushed Gamzee's hand away, not really up for any unnecessary physical contact now. It was way too pitiful to his liking. ]
And what was the point of this conversation? I mean- I appreciate that you still want to be my friend. Sorta? But- come on, bro. [ He had to laugh a little at himself, because if he didn't fucking laugh- he'd get all angry again. ]
Let a brother down easy, ya' feel me? I know that we'll still be friends, but that's not what I want to hear right now. [ He shrugs. ] I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.
It will get better in time, I promise you. But right now? I just need to- work things out on my own.
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[He could vaguely remember their first fight, where Tavros had alluded to something more flushed, and Gamzee had completely shut it down. Was... was... what was that!? All he could remember was being so angry. What was Tavros saying to him back then? Did he even listen!? Did he deal to Tavros the same thing he was dealt so long ago, like some sick version of karma? Oh, lords.]
...That ain't what you wanting to be fuckin' hearing?
[He wasn't sure what to say. He wished Tavros would just fucking spell it out for him! His brain was too fucked to process all of this shit, apparently. It was driving him fucki-- okay. No.]
[He cleared his throat, wanting to grab Tavros' arm in a friendly tug, but then remembered he wasn't supposed to be doing those things right now, apparently. He fidgeted again.]
Just tell me, brother. Tell me what it is that you be wanting me to be fuckin' saying at you, then!?
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[ Oh god, did he seriously ask him that? Tavros didn't know what to do anymore, other than shake his head again and let out a frustrated sigh. ]
You- You won't say anything when I want you to. When I really need you to talk to me, to say something, you lose it. And now .... heh, when I want you not to say anything to me, you just-
[ Don't do this right now. Don't say anything else. Just keep it in- keep it all in. Don't say anything you might regret later.
But, it was too late. Tavros figured that he should spell it out and get it over with. In this very moment, he didn't even care if Gamzee hated him for it. ]
Gamzee, my brother. My best friend. My religious miraculous friend- I know ... I know you don't mean to make me feel this way. I know that you want to make it all better, but ... brother, you can't make this go away. You can't help me in this. You can't ... help me.
[ Stop talking. Just sto- ]
First, you say you love me, and then when I wanted to confess to you, work things out, you didn't let me speak. You didn't let me speak! That was fine, I got over it. Except, I didn't- and I figured, maybe ... just maybe if I wait it will work out. But, brother, the more I wait, the more I see how things are going down between us, how much you changed.
I would give you everything, but my everything is never enough. It's not good enough ...
But, I still .... I still wanted to wait, and then, you brought it up and you- you didn't let me speak again! You just .... brother, you never let me speak. You don't want to hear it. Not from me. Then again, why would you want to hear that kind of things from someone like me?
[ He dropped his arms to his sides, his intense breathing slowing down into an eerie silence, eyes on the ground. ]
I don't want to be mad at you, but I am. I'm angry because you made me feel this way ... Yeah, It's the stupidest reason, but I can't help it. If I don't get angry, it will hurt. And I don't want to hurt anymore ....
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[For the rest of the time that he spoke, Gamzee's smile faded. Occasionally, he'd open his mouth to speak, but would clamp it shut almost immediately, staring from the hands in his lap and back to Tavros - switching targets when the other became too uncomfortable to look at.]
[He remained this way for a while, taking each accusation (true as they were) like a pike through his chest. You can't help. You've changed. Nothing is ever enough. You don't want to hear it. I'm mad at you. He had to swallow them down, past the lump in his throat, like a bitter pill. Well, there it was. Everything he hadn't wanted to be true was more than true. Tavros did feel that way about him, but it was too late. He'd changed, and pretending to be who he wasn't anymore was obviously not working. Worst of all, he made Tavros flushed for him, only to shove it right back in his fucking face. He didn't understand when or why those feelings took form, but it was trivial, now.]
[He thought he would have so much to say in his defense, but he was learning. Nothing he had said thus far had made anything better. And, like Tavros himself had just got done telling him - nothing he did helped.]
[It wasn't motherfucking fair!!! Why the fuck now!? Why when he was Goddamn batshit, thrown around inside his own pan without knowing which way was mother fucking up did this all have to happen!? Gamzee realized he'd been holding in a breath, so he let it out as calmly as he could. It whistled through his teeth in a shaky mess.]
Ain't no fuckin' shame in bein' angry, if that be what you're all feelin' at me.
[He could do this. If he could just say these last things to him, maybe, maybe he could help him feel a little better. If he failed to reach out to him now, he didn't know what he was going to do. This all had been too much, recently. And to add this on top of it was destroying him. He had to keep it together. He couldn't fuck this up any more than he already had.]
Anything you motherfuckin' give at me be worlds of e fuckin' nough, brother. More and more than enoughs, even if--
[He breathed in again. Out again. Don't. Lose it. Slowly, he reached for Tavros' hand, curling his long fingers around the side of it and pressing his fingertips into the warm palm.]
Even if you just fuckin' look at me, it be enough.
[He was shrinking. Impossible for a gangly thing like him, but he was becoming more and more anxious about every word that came out of his mouth. What if it was the wrong thing again? All he knew what to say was how he felt. If how he felt was fucking it up, he had nothing left to offer. He wished so badly that he did.]
You know that. You fuckin' know it, you do.
[His mouth was terribly dry, now. He tried to summon up some saliva so he could keep talking. When he spoke next, it was quiet.]
I know I've changed. Got the wicked info on that noise all motherfuckin' up and force-fed right down into my motherfucking bones, bro. I know. It changed fuckin' everything, me. I never wanted it to change you.
[He broke his gaze from Tavros, staring at the bedsheets.]
But I did. And I fuckin' hurt you, just like I fuckin' always never wanted to be doing. Wanted everything to be fuckin' perfect like what's it all once was being. But I fuckin' fucked that noise all to the ground and fuckin' up, yo. And now you be hurt and I don't fuckin' know what I be, and nothin' I say is makin' it better like it all was used to be doing, and I--
[He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, blinking down at the sheets and praying for all that it was worth that Tavros didn't throw his hand away like he had before. Why didn't he just shut the fuck up? Nothing he was saying was having any positive effect on Tavros anyway.]
I just don't wanna fuckin' hurt you any more. I want... you, but-- I--
[Too much. This was too much. If he said anything more he'd probably dissolve into a puddle of snot. He refused to do that. So he sat there, accepting whatever was gonna happen, scared of everything that could possibly take place as a result of his running mouth.]
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... You can't do this, right?
[ His voice was low and somewhat- understanding. ]
You can't be with me. Not in a red quadrant, anyway. You're so terrified of 'hurting me' and yet by thinking this way, you're-
[ No. Enough. Stop it.
He kept his eyes on the ground, barely open at this point. There was nothing but silence from his end, and that hand Gamzee was so desperately holding it remained motionless, unresponsive to his touch. The anger was slowly melting away and is replaced with nothing but numbness. It didn't hurt anymore. He couldn't feel anything. It was somewhat ... peaceful, calm. He didn't understand what is happening, but he's not fucking complaining.
He allowed his lashes to fall shut, and he stayed this way for a torturing minute or two, and after that- he shifted to Gamzee's side, resting his head on that bony shoulder of his and maneuvering that large horn behind them. He took in a deep inhale throughout his nostrils, chest rising and then falling with an easy sigh. He didn't say anything for another few seconds, merely curling his fingers around Gamzee's, giving him a gentle, very frail, squeeze. ]
I love you, brother.
[ Whether it was in a flushed way or simple friendship, he did truly love him. He never felt this way about anyone in his entire life, and regardless of all his anger and frustration ... Tavros knew he cherished that troll, and he'd stay helplessly in love with him for a very long time. The question is: Did he love him enough to stop being so fucking selfish? Did he love him enough to remain by his side at all times? To accept and embrace his change? If he truly cared about him, he shouldn't be saying all sort of hurtful things and make him that upset.
He messed up again.
His other hand joined in, resting on top of their tangled fingers, giving a reassuring stroke. He sucked in a breath before finally pulling his head away, swallowing thickly, but he kept holding into that hand. ]
I don't know ... I don't know what to do. I-
[ He looks at Gamzee, desperately trying to utter the right words. Say something that would offer some ease for them both. Say the right words to end this! But, he knew he couldn't do it. ]
Karkat?
I should .... get Karkat. You'll feel better ... around him, right?
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