[CLOSED] A picture is worth a thousand words

[chronomancer]

Characters: Jade!Eridan and OU!Karkat
Setting: The media floor.
Format: Action.
Summary: Eridan and Karkat realize they speak the same language at heart: MOVIES.
Warnings: None, hopefully.

[Eridan is 600% done with this tower. Really. Screw figuring out sign language or the meaning of life and all its mysteries.

He's plopped on a beanbag nibbling on some slices of fresh squash and watching a ridiculous romance comedy. Also snorting under his breath, because. Damn these romcoms, okay. They're kind of funny when they're good, but they're hilarious when they're bad.

And oh man, this one's bad. So, so bad.]

Comments

[chronomancer]

That's a genre within the scope of the medium that's cinema.

[Eridan is rolling his eyes at you, Karkat.]

There're plenty entertaining things to watch that don't need even a romantic subplot to keep you watching. But they're harder to find, I give you that.

[He shifts in his beanbag, making a thoughtful sound. Then cracking up an unkind snort at the scene playing out in the film.]

Oh, grubfucking hell, who didn't see that one coming?

[papshooshing]

[ watch it or he'll kick you for that. ]

I guess an action movie every now and then is acceptable, but god they lack a coherent plot half of the time.

[ Karkat is still making a face at the film. who didn't see that coming? ]

Shit heads got what was coming.

[chronomancer]

Pft. The point of action movies ain't to tell a story, it's to give you an excuse to watch elaborate explosions without earning yourself the wrath of half your neighborhood.

[Eridan grabs another strip of squash, first pressing it between his teeth, squeezing what little juice it had left and then slowly eating bit by bit. It was methodical, mechanical and wholly thoughtless. Ergo, he didn't need to stop and think about it while he talked and watched and snorted.]

I don't know what's worse, the writing or the acting, holy shit.

[papshooshing]

If I wanted to have that, regular porn would suffice too, you know.

[ why are you eating squashes? don't they kind of taste gross? not to mention popcorn is a typical movie treat? or what about cotton candy? so much better. ]

Usually writing and acting tend to go hand in hand. Even the best actors can be shit if the director is shit.

[chronomancer]

Yeah, but regular porn has shitty lightning and audio quality to match.

[Keeping with the straight face here, also fuck you, squash is a perfectly acceptable snack food. Also, don't tell him you're part of the sweets brigade. He's had enough with you people oppressing him for his choice of not liking sugary things. God.]

Yeah, and conversely a good director can sort of almost save a shittastic script, but the only thing this shitfest has going for it is the production values and the fact its main actress is moderately nice to look at.

[papshooshing]

Can't argue that - wait. Regular porn!?

[ that's got him sitting up. THERE'S ALTERNATE PORN? hello, these are 13-14 year old boys. what do you think is on their mind? ]

[chronomancer]

[Sidelook.]

Yes?

[OM NOM NOM, SQUASH]

[papshooshing]

There's other kinds?

[ so scandalous! ]

[chronomancer]

[A shrug.]

Well, yeah. People get off to all sorts of weird shit.

[Jesus, Karkat, did you never have internet or something?]

[papshooshing]

[ that's not what he used the Internet for, okay?

but have some clueless staring and a "huh" before he sits back to watch the movie. ]

[chronomancer]

[Eridan shrugs again, and after a moment offers Karkat the plate of squash. Kind of like a peace offering after so rudely shaking his views of the world.

Porn is weird shit, man.]

[papshooshing]

Those are such bad movie snacks...

[ but note that Karkat is taking it anyway. staring at it. then taking a bite. should they even be eaten raw? ]

[chronomancer]

[Yes. It's juicy and chewy and nice. Hmph!]

Bah, don't eat them if you don't want them then.

[A little scoff and then pulling the plate back to himself.]

[papshooshing]

[ a shove with his foot. ]

I'm eating them, aren't I? They aren't horrid.

[ but his brow twitches. ]

Unlike that line she just delivered.

[chronomancer]

[A miffed sniff of wounded pride, but the plate returns in offer then, and Eridan chews and snorts.]

...they're better fried, but I don't trust the food preparation block to not somehow get me killed.

[The again is faint and bitter, but he keeps it to himself. He's still cranky as hell after his last death, but bitching about Gamzee to his moirail is a low Eridan will not bring himself to even contemplate.]

And don't be mean, Kar. She's suffering.

[Mocking. All the mocking. And then some.]

[papshooshing]

[ not touching that statement with a ten foot pole. Karkat's no idiot. ]

I'll keep that in mind when I feel like cooking again.

[ but for now he almost spits it out laughing. because sarcasm in light of this movie is better. ]

Maybe she should just ask her ex-black lover to off her. I mean she pretty much screwed the pail on that one anyway.

[chronomancer]

[Good Karkat, smart Karkat. Eridan mutters, almost demure:]

The expression you're looking for is kick the bucket, I think.

[The entirety of the joke rest in the delivery, pushed so hard you would expect him to be blushing. Except he's not, and in the smirk there's a hint of unkind teeth.]

[papshooshing]

[ this expression. did you just make a joke. about dying and pails? ]

[chronomancer]

[He so just did. While eating squash and looking supremely at peace with himself.

Whoops.

And then there's a very nasal snort that very nearly breaks into an actual laugh, when the suffering girl makes an ashen pass at her stranded black ex.]

Oh, please.

[papshooshing]

[ that comment along with the action on the screen makes Karkat burst out laughing.

it really is kind of pathetic to make an ashen pass at your black ex. shows just how much she desperately needed this asshat in her life to the point of desperately latching. ]

[chronomancer]

Yes, yes, because that's how healthy ashen ships start.

[Oh wow, the sarcasm is back! Thick and brutal.]

Even wigglers know better than that, holy shit.

[papshooshing]

I actually think she's kind of red for the asshole.

[ another groan and he takes a few more bites. ]

Seriously. The person that wrote this should have been taken to the culling fields. Or maybe he did later, because clearly he doesn't understand how quadrants work.

[chronomancer]

Seriously.

[And here we introduce the second slice of Eridan's humor, after the offensively morbid: self-deprecation.]

Fuck, when I can tell you're fucking up your quadrants, you're already heading for the culling block, holy shit.

[Then a pause.]

Oh fuck, she's not gonna--

[But she did, and the entire quadrant mess was compounded by an entirely unnecessary murder-suicide threat that made Eridan crack a malicious laugh.]

That's so baaaaaaaaad.

[papshooshing]

[ welp. give Karkat a moment to just stare at that scene. ]

Oh my god. Are you watching a B movie or a romance?

[chronomancer]

I don't even know anymore. The only thing that could make this worse is if the whole sequence were a dre--

[Eridan facepalmed and said no more. He's really lost all ability to can.]