towerofanimus | I Don't Think That's How...

Entry tags:

I Don't Think That's How...

Characters: Zero Lancer and whoever would like to join!
Setting: Starting in room 4-16, then heading to the cafeteria, and from there floor six.
Format: Whatever you would like!
Summary: Zero Lancer wakes up in a strange place and tries to figure out what's going on.
Warnings: Spoilers for Lancer's end in the series.

Room 4-16

[The moment he is able to move from the strange paralysis that has gripped him upon waking, Lancer's hand sweeps out to grab one of the two letters his eyes spot on the table near his bed. While the time he's been unable to move has been brief, for a trained warrior in a unfamiliar place, that time has still seemed like an eternity.

An eternity trapped in mystery. An eternity not knowing if his master...]

Right, my master...

[The word drips with an anger unusual to him as his empty hand rises to rest over his heart--over the place where there should have been a gaping hole from the spear he had been forced to drive through his own chest.

The wound is no longer there.]

What is going on? How can this be?

[Lancer's eyes focus back on the letter in his hand and he quickly opens it. After only a few moments, the letter floats onto his bed. Dropped in surprise? Shock? He's not really sure what to call the feeling that tears through his heart. Shock he had felt when he had been betrayed by the master he'd given everything to. Surprise he had felt when he realized, in those final moments, how angry it had made him.

The emotion he feels now that he has been told that his world is dead and he is still alive instead of it being the other way around is something he can't put a name to. And while he doesn't know what to call that emotion, he does know he can't just keep sitting on the bed in this strange place wondering what's going on.

Lancer quickly rises to his feet and summons his armor and spear to his side. The summoning is as natural to him as breathing and he never once doubts that they will come when called. He does, however, notice that while the white outfit had woke up in is now gone, the collar is still there. It's an annoyance, but something he can deal with later once he's gotten some answers.

He's about to leave his room when the trunk at the end of his bed catches his eye. He's not quite sure why, but he gets the feeling he should really look into it before leaving. If the letters had held information, then why not the trunk as well?

Anyone who happens by 4-16 and looks or stops in may find him still kneeling in front of the now opened trunk. Asking about what looks to be the tears in the corners of his eyes may or may not be a good idea.]

The Cafeteria

[While servants technically don't have to eat, since Lancer has no idea how things work in this strange place, he is currently eating a bowl of very tasteless oatmeal. Not that it really bothers him considering some of the things he had eaten while in the Fianna and on the run from Fionn. Tasteless actually is an improvement from what some of those things had tasted like.

To be honest, he's not here for the food anyway. Since the cafeteria was mentioned in the letter, it only stands to reason that a good number of people would be there--new and old alike. And that does seem to be the case, so the servant in green sits at one of the cafeteria tables slowly making his way through his own bowl, his head bowed over it almost as if he's shy. While he's not really shy, he is somewhat worried about his curse and how it will affect the people here. So far, though, no one seems to be having troubles with it leading him to hope that it's not active. Those who take the time to look into his eyes will find that, far from looking shy, they are observing the room and its occupants with an intensity that only those who have fought many many a battle can achieve.]

Floor Six

[After learning all he can in the cafeteria, Lancer decides to slowly start making his way back up the tower so that he can find out what secrets each floor holds. Already he's heard tell that many of the floors are dangerous and even deadly to those who make a misstep on them, but this floor seems far too peaceful for that. He takes a few steps away from the stairway, but doesn't go too far, keeping in mind the things he had overheard from others. How some floors look completely safe, only to become deathtraps in the blink of an eye.

Movement to his left draws Lancer's attention, but he smiles when he notices it's just a deer. A...mutated deer, but a deer just the same. In all honesty, it's not the strangest thing he's seen. He grew up in a world of oddities after all.

The deer watches him for a few moments longer before disappearing back into the forest. As it disappears, Lancer closes his eyes and draws in a deep breath. Maybe it is just because of what he found in his trunk, but this forest with all its oddities makes him feel strangely at home.

Unconsciously, his hand raises to touch the torc that sits tightly around his neck slightly above the collar. He could have worn it lower as he had when it had first been given to him, but no. Lancer can't stand the idea of the gift Oscar had spent so much time finding for him being hidden by that thing...that annoyance he still hasn't found a way to be rid of.

And so he stands there, lost in thought. Thoughts of the old days, of his old friends, things supposedly on a world that might or might not have been destroyed. He still isn't sure what he believes. He just knows that at least here he has these small things, these memories.

He didn't have any of that in the war...]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Kariya looks at Lancer's hand for a moment before responding. He appreciates the gesture of kindness. For such an awful place, there are a lot of kind people here. In that way, it's better than home. Not that home is much better in general.

He coughs again, then takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to get agitated. It'll only make things worse.]

No, I'm fine. Thank you, but it's all right. This is– I'm always like this. It's my condition. [That's the euphemistic way of putting it.] There's nothing in the infirmary that can really help.

[Lancer's eyes sadden.]

Forgive me for prying, but are you like this because of having to control Berserker? Is the stress on you so great that it's killing you? If he's not here, shouldn't you be getting better and not worse?

No, it's all right. It's–

[It's not as if he hasn't told enough people about his condition, and Diarmuid seems kind enough.]

It's related to that. You see, I'm not a very strong magus. My family augmented my magic circuits. Our family crest, Crest Worms, they're familiars. I had to take them on, so I could be strong enough to fight in the War. It is worse, when I control Berserker, but they don't stop when he isn't here. So I'll keep getting worse.

[He forces a smile. It's not very convincing.] But there's someone here who's been healing me a little, so it hasn't gotten too much worse.

[Lancer can only shake his head at this. To sacrifice so much just for a chance to help someone. How was it fair that his master who had been wiling to sacrifice nothing had just as much right to try for the Grail as Kariya who had given everything including his health?]

I'm glad that there is someone here that can help you at least. I am suddenly even more embarrassed of my master than I was before. He would never have sacrificed the way you have.

Tell me, does the girl know you are doing this for her at least so that you can pull strength from her hope?

I'm glad, too. I have to keep going.

Some people don't care about anyone else. That's what my family is like, too. [There's some bitterness in his tone. Someone like Zouken would never sacrifice anything for anyone.]

Sakura... [His voice softens again when he talks about her.] No, I didn't tell her what I was going to do. It might have upset her. [Since he's definitely going to die.] But she knows I care about her, and I promised her we'd play together in the park again. Her mother, her sister, and me. Like we used to.

[He smiles a little, sincerely, at this memory.]

So that's what I'm living for now.

If that is enough to give you the strength you need, then that is all that matters. You will play with her in the park again someday.

[Lancer smiles. Such a happy memory. And it reminds him of the short time he had spent with his own children. Of coming home to a ruined kitchen because Grainne had tried again to teach their daughter how to cook when she had no idea how to do it herself. It's a memory he wouldn't trade for anything even if he'd had to spend hours putting the kitchen back into order.]

I know I would do anything if it meant the chance to see my children again. My time with them was far too short.

Yes. You're right. I know I will.

[He has to believe that. The alternative isn't acceptable.]

You have children? What are they like?

[Kariya is all too happy to hear more. He'd always wanted to have children himself, but– That hadn't happened, and won't, now.]

I'm sorry you weren't able to spend more time with them. I know what that's like. I'd do anything for my nieces, but I wasn't able to see them often enough.

[Lancer smiles, a joyous light entering his eyes. He doesn't often get to speak of his children--for obvious reasons--but they make up a good number of his most precious memories.]

I had five--four boys and a girl. You speaking of Sakura made me think of my daughter specifically. My wife often tried to teach her to cook. Unfortunately, my wife was also a princess. She had never been taught to cook herself because she had others to do that for her. That never stopped her, though. I lost track of how many times I had to spend most of the afternoon or evening trying to put the kitchen back into order after her 'lessons.' The smiles on their faces when they showed me so proudly the food they had made I would trade for nothing, though. Not even a kitchen that didn't look like something had exploded in it.

[His eyes suddenly become very gentle.]

One of the things the tower gave back was a cushion my daughter hand made for me. She could sew much better than she could cook. It was one of my prized possessions. The last time I saw it was shortly before I died. I ran my hand over it as a reminder of why I needed to make sure I came back.

It's a shame I never did...

[Kariya listens to the story quietly, smiling himself as Diarmuid smiles. It's clear the man cares very much about his family, which Kariya can empathize with, and it makes him feel a connection with the man. He laughs, softly.

But it's a sad story as well as a happy one, or bittersweet, at least, and he sobers at the end of it, when Diarmuid speaks of not returning.] Moments like that are worth more than anything else. You were lucky, to have them. I can imagine what the kitchen must have looked like, but at least they didn't give up. Did they ever improve? And did you ever manage to eat any of the food?

Sakura liked to help her mother in the kitchen, too, but I heard she was always a good cook. [Not that he'd been part of that. It hadn't been in his kitchen. He hadn't been part of that home life. He envies Diarmuid that, not that he'd say so.] She made me cookies, once. [He almost hadn't wanted to eat them, wishing he could keep them instead.]

They must have loved you very much. I'm sorry, that you didn't come back. [He can empathize with that, too. The more logical, if stifled, part of him knows that he's never going to go play in the park again. But Sakura will play with her mother and sister again, and that's what matters.] I'm glad the Tower gave you something to remember them by. Maybe there are some things here that aren't so bad. And so many of the people here are kind.

[He pauses, hesitating for a moment.] I have something from home, too. It's a picture of Sakura. Would you like to see it? [Of course, he always carries his photograph with him.]

[Lancer shakes his head and laughs.]

No, no they never got any better though they kept trying. Only once did I actually eat what they made and I was sick afterward though I hid it from them. And let me point out that it was no easy feat to make one such as myself sick!

[He smiles gently at the story that Kariya shares with him.]

You're lucky she is such a talent cook. I would have loved to be able to actually eat the results of their hard work instead of faking it. It makes the memory no less important, of course, but I do feel like we were missing something.

I would be honored to see the picture of your dear one! I just am sorry I cannot offer you the same.

[Kariya laughs along with him.]

It was kind of you to make the effort. You were being a good father. I know they must have appreciated it. Everyone likes to have their efforts appreciated. It sounds like they were very good at making very awful food, at least. That's almost a skill, isn't it? Maybe the memory wouldn't stand out so much if they'd only made ordinary food.

Sakura's cookies were good, much better than I could make. She's very talented. [To Kariya, someone being good at baking is much more important than whatever magic circuits they might possess.]

That's all right. I would like to see them, but maybe you can show me the cushion instead, sometime [Kariya takes out the photograph, his treasure. It's a little stained and wrinkled now, as he's been carrying it with him since he arrived. It's not just a picture of Sakura, but of four people: a man, a woman, and two little girls.]

There's Sakura, and that's her sister, Rin. That's their mother, Aoi. We've been friends since we were children.

[He doesn't mention the fourth figure in the picture, a version of himself who's dark-haired, stronger, more whole. Smiling.]

I would be glad to.

[Lancer turns his attention to the photograph and the first thing he notices is how beautiful they all look. Beyond just physical beauty, they all seem to be so happy and so content with each other...

He looks a little closer at the man in the picture and then blinks in surprise. It's hard for him to accept that the man in the picture is the same as the one he has been talking to, but it is. He's changed so much...lost so much.

Lancer can only hope that he will gain it all back and more once the war ends.]

They are beautiful and look so happy together. You are a lucky man.

I'd like that.

I am. I'm very lucky to know them. All I want is for them to be happy again. [It's not too much to ask, is it? All his life, his family has denied him the things he wanted. He just wants this one thing, and it isn't even for himself (he thinks).] If that happens, nothing else matters. [Even if he can't be part of that happiness, considering what he's become. He knows he's not the man he used to be, the man in that picture. Not anymore.]

Can I ask you why you were fighting? You don't have to answer.

[Maybe he'd wanted to return to his family. That's what Kariya would have wished for, in his place. To have a real family...]

My wish...

[Lancer laughs bitterly.]

My wish didn't even require the Grail to fulfill. All my master needed to do was let me serve him faithfully to the end. My only interest in the Grail was because he wanted it...

...And I don't know if he even had a wish of his own!

[A sudden anger fills Lancer's voice.]

He probably just wanted it to prove how much better he was than everyone else! What kind of wish is that? How did he even have the right to be in the same war as someone like you or Saber?

To serve him faithfully? That's what you wanted?

[To Kariya, it's not such a strange wish. In a way, that's what he's doing for Sakura, and through her, Aoi. He'll be faithful to them, always.

He can understand Lancer's anger. It's not for the same reasons, but it's an anger he feels an echo of in himself. He knows that bitterness. Lancer's Master was like Tokiomi, who would throw away something precious for something that didn't even matter. He frowns.

But unlike his own wish, which requires him to return to the War, Lancer's seems more straightforward to him.]

Your Master's wish isn't a wish at all, if that's what it was. It's just vanity. He didn't deserve a Servant like you.

But you can still have your wish, can't you? You don't need the Grail War to serve someone. You can do it on your own. You can find someone else to serve.

In my first life, I was forced to betray my lord and master. It ultimately lead to my death. And while I never blamed him for his anger, I did wish that I could have served him more faithfully. There is no way I can do that now, obviously, so I was willing to serve whoever was chosen for me to serve. I thought then that would be good enough.

[Lancer pauses and shakes his head.]

I was so wrong. That man never understood my wish. He even went so far as to dare to accuse me of lying about something so close to my heart. Serving him...meant nothing and probably would have continued to mean nothing even if we had been successful in the end.

Now...now I could find someone to serve. I just don't know where to begin and I suspect a great many people I run into here will think me a fool for not taking my freedom and running with it. I don't know if they can understand how...empty and directionless I feel without a master, though. I'm not used to making decisions based solely on what I want. It has always been what my master wants. Thinking of what I want just seems selfish.

[Kariya can relate. It's in part because of his own mistakes that he took on the worms and decided to take part in the War. He still thinks it's his fault, in part, that Sakura ended up where she is. He hadn't produced an heir with magic circuits. Worse, he hadn't said anything to Aoi about his feelings. He'd always run away. No longer.]

Maybe it means more, if you choose who to serve. Having it forced on you isn't the same. You ended up with a Master who wasn't worth serving. He didn't care. He was selfish and cruel.

[Maybe he's talking about Zouken as well as Kayneth.

Choosing to help Sakura: that had meant something. That was why he could carry on.]

I don't think it's a foolish wish. It's good to have ties. To have a reason for living. I don't know what I'd do, without my nieces and Aoi to care for and help. I always felt directionless, when I wasn't with them. [They were all he'd wanted and needed.] There are a lot of kind people in the Tower, and people who need help. I'm sure you could find someone worth serving. I know there are other Servants here who have. [Rin had Archer, and Lancer had found a new Master, hadn't he?]

[Lancer is quiet for a moment, his expression, uncertain.]

Is it really worth doing that though? Most everyone here wants to leave. Is it right for me to become attached to them? Cause them grief it they find a way to return to their homes only to have to leave me in a place like this? Or even worse, know that I will cease to exist when I return to my own? While that would allow me to fulfill my wish, it would also cause them pain.

I-I don't know if I can do that. Maybe it would be best if I remain on my own--a shadow working to help others and nothing else.

[He's caught between two hard choices right now. It's obvious the last thing Lancer wants is to be completely alone, but at the same time the idea of possibly causing pain to another just so he doesn't have to be makes him sick.]

I know everyone wants to leave, but while they're here, it helps them to have people to care about. Who care about them. I think that's important. With the things that happen here... [He trails off. He doesn't want to go into detail.]

I made a friend here who left. Her name was Eva. She's gone now, but I still remember her. I hope that she's home and safe. I don't think it was wrong to care for her and try to help her. Even if I miss her, I wouldn't want to have not known her. I know you'll cease to exist when you leave, but I'm glad we've talked, too. [Even if Sakura will have to grow up without him, after the War, he still wants to help her, though he doesn't want her to grieve. It wouldn't have been better not to know her. He could never think that.] We never could have talked during the War.

You're not a shadow. You're a person. This is another chance for you. You said that yourself.

[Lancer shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. It's a good several moments before he opens then again.]

You're right. I'm sorry. It's just hard for me not to slip sometimes. So many people who I have trusted my all to have thrown me away like I am nothing. After a while, it's hard not to believe that they are right especially when it has happened more than once.

[He hadn't ever been angry at Fionn for what he had done back then. Lancer had always felt that his death had been the result of his own actions. He'd known the night he'd left with Grainne that things could only end with his death. He had accepted it.

But...could things have been different? Might there have been a way for him to live long enough to see his children grow up if Fionn had only taken the time to think beyond his anger? To realize that Lancer himself had been as much a victim of the situation as his master had been?

Back then Lancer had never been angry. Now, he's starting to realize that he is angry. Very angry.]

Hopefully, choosing my own master will help change that. There must be someone out there who I can help and will value me for me as well.

[He nods in empathy.]

You don't have to apologize. I understand how you feel. It was different, but I've been thrown away, too. Treated like nothing. Back home. That's why–

[He'd left his family, but really, they had treated him like trash, even before that. For those people who should have cared about him, he might as well not have been himself at all. He was a collection of magic circuits, and nothing else about him mattered.] There was no one to help me, and no one else to save Sakura.

That's why I was all alone. That's why I had to do this, and why I have to get back. [That was why everything had happened the way it had. He glances down at himself, his wasted body, gives another cough, as if being reminded anew of his condition agitates it.]

Someone would have to be foolish not to value you. There's no shortage of people here who need help, good people, so I know you can find someone. [Instead of mad, intractable Berserker, who wouldn't fight the way he wanted without him struggling to control him.] I wish I had a Servant more like you.

Edited 2013-01-12 23:48 (UTC)

It sure seems that for a war which is suppose to give us all a good chance to win our wishes, none of us were paired up very well, were we?

[Despite those words, Lancer smiles.]

But no matter. You will return and you will find a way to win so that you can have your wish. It's just a shame I cannot go with you and aid you with your fight. Surely supporting one such as myself would be easier on your body than a Berserker, and I would never question serving you or your goal. In fact, I would be honored to have the chance especially after my last master.

[The smile suddenly fades from Lancer's face.]

It grieves me to think that your family and that of my master's are the usual for mages in this day. I don't understand how people can be so cruel to one another. Back in my time, even if you didn't like someone you gave them the respect they deserved for you never knew when they might be the sword at your back. Now, all anyone thinks of is themselves.

Maybe you're right. Maybe it's meant to be a challenge. I wish it wasn't.

[He shakes his head, with a rueful smile of his own. The scenario Diarmuid describes isn't a possible one, not now, and it's too bad.]

Thank you. I'd like that, and I would be honored, too. I would try to be a good Master for you. You should be able to have your wish. Maybe if things had been different... but even if it's harder, I can't be too sorry to have Berserker. [It's what he has to deal with, and he'll make the best of it. In some ways, he's not so different from Berserker. At times, he can feel that rage, that lack of control– But he doesn't mention it to Diarmuid.] He's the strongest Servant. I know we can win. Even if it takes everything I have. [Which it undeniably will.

The change of subject has a visible effect on Kariya.]

My family's magic is purposely cruel. I can't describe to you– [He breaks off. The thought of what Zouken is doing and has already done to Sakura is too horrible for him to speak of without getting upset. He coughs again as his own anger rises, a wetness in the sound now. The "veins" in his face pulse. If not for Zouken and Tokiomi, he wouldn't have had anything to do with the War.] The old magi are selfish and petty and greedy. They only care about furthering their own power. They have no respect for anyone. I wish I hadn't been born a magus.

For something so valuable, I would never expect it to be easy, but when failure could very well mean death and in most causes does for you masters, I would expect something--I don't know--a little more fair, maybe?

[Lancer turns away and laughs bitterly.]

That sounds so childish, doesn't it? Expecting anything in this world to be fair. No battle is ever fair. We just wish it could be so that what is noble and right will always triumph.

[He looks back at Kariya in alarm when he notices how upset the man is getting and how it's affecting his body. Gently, Lancer touches the other man's arm and then speaks in a soft voice.]

You are right to feel that way, but please calm yourself. You cannot allow your condition to worsen before you can get back home. Save your anger until then when it can be focused and directed at those who should feel its wrath.

Nothing's fair. Life is full of injustice. [In his experience, it always has been.] I only want to put one thing right.

It isn't childish. Maybe it's better to think that way. I just want to win, that's all. [Diarmuid, he thinks, is more noble than he is. He's less of a man than he used to be, in some ways. He doesn't care if he wins nobly, so long as he wins. And maybe there's something ignoble about it, about his desire to kill Tokiomi, to win no matter what.

He nods. He should grow calmer, it's true. There's blood at the corner of his mouth and his eye. He coughs again.] It's hard. I don't always think clearly. [He hates that most of all, in some ways, more than the pain, when his mind runs away from him and he loses, more troubling than his strength, his self.] But I have to stay strong, for Sakura's sake.

I Don't Think That's How...

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)