Long lost days of you and me

[vermicompost]

Characters: Kariya Matou and open
Setting: The dormitories and the meadow (or anywhere else, if anyone would like to take him somewhere, as he isn't very mobile on his own– he likes visitors, and trips.)
Format: Action to start, but prose is fine, too
Summary: It's only been a year or so, by Kariya's reckoning (when he can remember), but time and magical parasites have taken their toll.
Warnings: blood and possible body horror or angst



Kariya's Room:

[It's difficult for him to move at all, yet he has his wheelchair, and he can push it a little ways. It's hard for him to leave the dormitories, yet sometimes he still tries. Not now. For the moment, he's resting in his room, his eyes closed, even though he isn't sleeping. It's hard for him to fall asleep.

His body is smaller than it used to be. He's shrunk. Both his eyes are oddly whitish, both sides of him equally affected by what lives within him. His pale skin is all lines and veins, and the movement of the worms within him is evident beneath it, where it shows. His skin appears so thin, it seems it might break at any moment. All of him seems like it might break. Sometimes it does. His skin cracks in lines where it's thinnest, and the blood seeps out. He hardly notices when that happens. Maybe it's because it happens all the time, or maybe he simply isn't thinking clearly enough to realize.

He mutters to himself sometimes, and today is no exception. Sakura, he says often, or he mumbles something about going back home. Back home. He's going to get there. He'll go back to the War, he'll fight and he'll win, and he'll make everything all right again. Suddenly, he speaks, his voice firming, loud enough to be heard clearly.]

I'll help everyone go home.

[That's what he'll do.]

The Dormitory Hallways:

[Kariya wheels himself slowly along. He probably won't get very far, but he likes the feeling of moving forward. (He hasn't told anyone he was going.) He likes to travel. He used to travel once, didn't he? He feels so confined when he's in his room too long, trapped in one place. It's better to get out and around. Unfortunately, the corridors are so confusingly, frustratingly similar.

When he's gone a certain distance, he forgets how far he's come and where he was headed. He stops in the middle of the hallway, not sure whether to go forward or back. Maybe if he waits here long enough, he'll remember. Or maybe it wasn't so important. This is a change of scenery, isn't it? He sits back and gazes down the corridor, a wasted figure with white hair, waiting for someone or something interesting to arrive. He can't see very well, but his expression, if anyone were close enough to read it, is a hopeful one.]

The Meadow:

[It's a good day when he can get to the meadow. Some days, he's stronger, if only a little. The meadow is his favorite floor. It's beautiful there. It makes him smile. The grass and the flowers remind him of the park where he used to play with the children. Sometimes he thinks it is that park. But not today. No, he's thinking more clearly today. He moves a thin arm and manages to take out his photograph, from where he always keeps it, in the pocket of his jacket. It's wrinkled and torn and stained with blood, but it's his. His picture of his family: that's Aoi standing beside him, his wife, and with them are two little girls: their two daughters, Rin and Sakura. When he goes home, he'll see them again. They'll be happy again.

He's forgotten that he never married, that he never had children. But why would he want to remember a thing like that?]

Comments

[vermicompost]

[What Diarmuid speaks of is his dearest wish. To be safe and happy with Aoi, Rin, and Sakura. To be a real family, living an ordinary life. It seems like too much to ask for, too selfish of him, to want everything, though he would be the happiest man if that wish could come true.]

I won't give up, but do you think that could really happen? That we could be together? Always? I never thought it could.

[Even if he hasn't given up hope, he's almost afraid to hope for something so perfect, something that's always been so unreachable to him. It would be wonderful, as Diarmuid says. There's a brighter light than usual in his eyes. He wants to believe it could be true.]

It would be– everything I wanted. I don't know how that could happen. After all this... Could you really make that happen?

[He nods, tears in his eyes now. He trusts Diarmuid. He doesn't have the necessary critical thought to doubt him.]

I will. I'll do what you ask. Thank you, Diarmuid. I won't forget you, even when this seems like just a memory.

[oathshackledbird]

[The joy Lancer knows will be in Kariya's eyes almost does him in. He doesn't even have to raise his head to see it. Even after all the years he's done this and all the times he's told these lies, they still burn like acid on his tongue. That joyous look burns like fire in his blood. He has to take a deep breath and reapply his smile before he can look up.]

I will do everything in my power to see this wish fulfilled. Just...don't worry about remembering me. I wouldn't want you to be saddened by the memory of a ghost who cannot leave this place. I just want you and your family to be happy. If you are, then I will be happy even if I'm not remembered.

[Because he would trade every bit of what is left of him if there was a way he could make Kariya's dream come true. Even if it meant burning out all that he was or erasing himself from the Throne of Heroes forever. He would do it and do it with a smile.]

[vermicompost]

No, I couldn't forget you, not after you've done so much for me. I'll tell Aoi about you, too. So she'll know how much we all owe you.

You deserve to be remembered. [His eyes are full of joy and hope as he meets and holds Diarmuid's gaze.]

I know you'll succeed, Diarmuid. You're a great hero. It's funny, though we weren't paired in the war, we'll both have our wishes granted. You've helped so many people, and I know you'll help more.

[It's almost as if they were paired, after all. Diarmuid's done more for him than Berserker ever had or would have.]

[oathshackledbird]

['Hero.' The word is almost like a slap in the face and it takes all of Lancer's willpower not to flinch when Kariya uses it. What little light might have been in his eyes dies out leaving them flat and lifeless--the very opposite of Kariya's joy filled ones. He hasn't considered himself a hero for so long that he doesn't even remember what it feels like to be one. Long gone are even the days when he had questioned if the Throne had made a mistake in choosing him. He now knows for a fact that it had.]

If that is what you wish, my Lord, then I won't argue with you. Just know it's not necessary and if someday you half remember someone who you think you should never have forgotten, don't feel bad. I would be sad if you did. I live to serve. That is my wish. I don't need to be remembered or praised for it. It is just what I do.

[Lancer gently rubs the backs of Kariya's hands. In the middle of all of his lies, one truth finally makes its way out of his mouth.]

You are the only master who has ever mattered to me. I care not if my command seals have never graced your hands. You would have no need for them with me anyway. All you ask is my honor to fulfill.

[vermicompost]

That won't happen. [He's sure it won't. As sure as he is of anything. How could he ever forget these years, during which Diarmuid has been such a help and comfort to him? He should always remember, and Aoi should know, too. Without Diarmuid, they'll never be able to be a family again. Diarmuid will help him gain his wish. He's promised.] So I won't need to feel bad.

Diarmuid...

We're friends. You don't have to call me master. [Though he knows how much it means to Diarmuid, to have a master to serve. That's his wish. Kariya would never want to be the one to deny him his wish. He's done so much to help Kariya attain his wish, after all. He looks down at Lancer's hands on his own. No one's ever been so unwaveringly loyal to him. It wasn't something he'd ever expected would happen. Maybe this was what the bond between a master and a servant was supposed to be like. Every day, it grows harder to remember how much his bond with Berserker pained and drained him.] But if you want to think of me that way, I would never object.

I'm the one who's honored, to be served by you. No one could have a better servant. I know you don't need praise, I'm just so grateful.

[oathshackledbird]

Thank you.

[Lancer bows his head again and closes his eyes. Hearing those kind words from Kariya reminds him of why some days he is so tempted to follow the man into his delusions and just stay there where the pain can't find him--where he can finally have the master he deserves. He could be happy kneeling all day at Kariya's side in the meadow or just taking him to the card games he so enjoys watching the others play...

No.

His hands tighten unconsciously on Kariya's.

No, he doesn't deserve such a respite. Not after how badly he's failed. He deserves every bit of the pain and agony he feels and will feel until he finds a way to see his master home to those he loves.

Lancer takes a deep breath and then slowly rises to his feet. If he's already starting to feel the need to follow his master into his delusions, it's time to go before his will weakens any farther.]

I know it's not been too long, but I should head off now, Master Kariya. I need to keep working on our goal. But, is there anything I can do for you before I go?

[vermicompost]

I understand. Come to see me again soon, Diarmuid. I know you're busy working, but you shouldn't work all the time. I like talking to you, when I can. I'm sure you'll find us a way back soon. Maybe there's even some way you could come back with us.

[Anything's possible, isn't it? He smiles, hopefully.

Kariya's delusion can reach great heights, but it also has its weak points, and one of these is Sakura herself. His smile falters as he thinks of her again.]

As for what you can do... Can you find Sakura for me? Tell her I'm looking for her. I can't remember the last time I saw her. [When he concentrates, he realizes he really can't. People do disappear sometimes, he knows. Sakura disappearing is one of his worst fears. He can't bear to think of losing her.] You're sure it was today you saw her, aren't you?

[oathshackledbird]

[Now there is a dream that can never happen and Lancer won't let himself even think of it. He can't leave the tower. He can never leave the tower.

He'll be erased and returned to the Throne of Heroes if he does.

If it even wants him back after all this...

So he ignores those words and instead focuses on reassuring his master.]

I have seen her.

[It's another lie, but it's one that Lancer delivers with a bright look and a smile on his face.]

I've told her she needs to spend more time with you, but like me, she is working hard to get you all home. Please don't be angry with her. I will speak with Rin and maybe she will get her to listen. I do worry she pushes herself too hard sometimes, but she cares so much for you and just wants everyone to be happy again.

[vermicompost]

That's good. I'm glad. [He smiles back at Diarmuid, brightly, innocently. It's a child's smile. Diarmuid always knows just what to say, to make him feel better. He trusts him. If he says he's seen her, he must have.]

It's not like her, to wander off. I wouldn't be angry with her, though. She's a good girl. She'd never do anything on purpose to hurt anyone. She does care about others a lot, I know. She wants to help them as much as I do. But I miss her. She should stay where it's safer. I told them they could test me instead and leave her alone. [It doesn't matter as much, what happens to him. He'd rather be the one to take part in the experiments. But shouldn't a father do that for his children? It's only natural.]

I used to worry about her a lot, when she was younger. Now I can't seem to stop. [His eyes feel wet. He doesn't know why. Fortunately, it isn't blood.]

If you see her again, tell her I'm not angry, her father just wants to see her.

OMG! That icon! The cute! *is dead*

[oathshackledbird]

[Lancer can't help but crouch back down by Kariya when he sees the tears in the other man's eyes. Gently, he reaches up and wipes them away.]

Please, don't worry yourself. She knows you aren't angry with her. She is just too much like me, I'm afraid. She wants to save everyone so much that she forgets sometimes what that person wants more is just to see you. That even the most important work needs to wait sometimes.

But don't worry for her safety. Neither Rin nor I would let anything happen to her. I know we aren't invincible, but we are strong. Rin even more so than I.

[Lancer smiles softly. Surprisingly enough, this smile is actually real.]

Though telling you to not worry about your child is pointless, I know. If you recall, I was a father once too. It's only natural to worry even when your child is in a safe place let alone one as dangerous as this one.

[The smile fades as quickly as it came though. He can hardly remember his children. The joy--

--Is always replaced by pain. He winces and pushes his mind away from those memories--that time he's no longer worthy to relive.]

Thank you! I thought he needed a cute icon to make up for all the ones where he's spitting up blood

[vermicompost]

I don't think I can stop worrying. But I can worry less. I'll try. If I know you and Rin are looking after her, it'll be easier. I'll have to think of something fun we can do, the next time we're together. I know she's probably too old now to want to play games with her father. Like Rin.

Yes, Rin is strong, isn't she? [She wasn't always quite so strong, and her white hair and red eyes don't match up with the girl in his picture. These things confuse him, make him think there's something important he's forgetting. He knows he doesn't think as clearly as he used to. But what is it he's forgotten?] She's so strong. [Stronger than a Servant.] I wonder why...

[But he's distracted from this potentially dangerous train of thought by Diarmuid's mention of his family.]

I remember. It was one of the first things you told me. The story about your wife and daughter cooking.

[He smiles, but the smile fades quickly. He might not be the most perceptive man, but he doesn't miss that wince. Not that he interprets it correctly.]

I'm sorry. You must miss them so much. I still think it's possible they might come here. You could see them again. [Because that's what must be paining Diarmuid, that lack Kariya knows all too well, as he's had to live without Aoi here.]

[oathshackledbird]

It's all right. I-I don't want them in such a horrid place.

I don't want them to see me like this.

I would rather think of them safely at home even if I means I never see them again.

Not that I can remember much about them now without...

[Lancer pauses a moment, eyes squeezing shut. If he's not the one thinking of them. If it's the words of another... Maybe...maybe remembering won't hurt so much?]

Kariya, if you feel up to it and can remember--that story I told you all those years ago. Could-could you tell it to me?

[It's worth a shot anyway. Even if he doesn't deserve it. He misses them so much...]

[vermicompost]

You could protect them. I'm glad to have Rin and Sakura with me, even if I worry. But I'm sure your children are safe, at home. I'm sure they love you very much. [He uses the present tense, because what does time mean here?]

Of course I remember. [Sharing stories about children is one of Kariya's favorite things to do. There aren't many other parents in the Tower, but there are a few, and he remembers their stories, even when he's forgotten his own, replaced it with a pleasant fiction. They're stories that add to his own feeling of being a parent, which is what he wants, more than anything.

Yet even as he remembers, he's aware enough that he's forgotten some things, so he doesn't fault Diarmuid for his own lapse of memory, if that's what it is. He nods.] You have five children, four boys and a girl.

Your wife tried to teach your daughter to cook, but she didn't know how, since she was raised a princess. So they tried their best for you, but they made a mess of the kitchen, and their food wasn't anything you could eat. [Kariya smiles.] But you tried to eat it once, because you're a good father. You tried, and then you hid the fact that it made you sick. You even cleaned the kitchen for them after they were done with their lessons.

They smiled at you every time. They were so proud of the things they made. And I'm sure you smiled, too.

[oathshackledbird]

Y-yes, I did.

[The pain that causes Lancer's voice to waver now is completely different that what he usually feels when he thinks about them. This is a pain made of loss, of distance, of need.

He needs them to be there with him as selfish as it is...]

But...Grainne, she is so curious about everything. And my daughter even more so. There is no way I could protect them all of the time in this place and I could not risk them being hurt.

And if I fell protecting them... I could not let them see that...

[He squeezes his eyes tightly closed, fighting back tears. He wants so much, but he knows he cannot have it and it hurts.]

How do you stand this, Master? How can you stand wanting your family so much and not being able to have them all here?

[vermicompost]

Grainne and your daughter. I wish I could meet them. They aren't as strong as Rin, are they? No, they can't be. Something happened to Rin. [What was it?] And Sakura...

I could ask Rin to protect them for you. And all my friends, too. So you wouldn't have to worry. Except for the tests... [He trails off again, frowning. The tests always come, they spare no one, and they're so painful, even vicious at times. So he nods. He can understand Diarmuid's reluctance to have his family in the Tower, even as he understands his pain at missing them. He can hear that pain in Diarmuid's voice. He knows it.] I know why you don't want them here, even if you want to see them so much. This place is cruel. That's why I have to find the way home, no matter what Rin says. So she and Sakura don't have to suffer anymore, and they'll be safe. [No matter what happens to him.

How do you stand this? Diarmuid asks. How does he stand it? It's hard. It's always hard. His own pain and the pain of those he cares about.]

I stand it because I have to. Aoi isn't with us, and I haven't seen Sakura in a long time. [Too long, thinks the more rational part of his mind. His memories aren't completely gone, though he suppresses them most of the time.] And something happened to Rin. So I have to be strong, for all of them. I have to stand it. I'm the husband, and the father, and that's what I have to do. A father will give up everything for his family. In a way, I'm lucky, to have people I care so much for, that I would do anything for them. [His eyes are wet again. He doesn't bother to hold back tears when they come.] Don't you think that's the luckiest thing there is?

[oathshackledbird]

Yes, most certainly! Maybe...maybe if mine had been here I wouldn't have becom--

[Lancer cuts himself off just in time to stop the words "..become this failed worthless thing" from slipping out of his mouth. Kariya has never realized just how far he's fallen and he plans on keeping it that way. If Kariya ever does realize what he's become...

No, Lancer doesn't want to think about that. He can't.]

Rin has changed like we all have, Master. She's grown stronger. Learned how to adapt. Learned how to survive in this place. Don't stress yourself worrying about her so much.

[But he's doing it again. Telling a father not to worry about his child, whether the child in question is really his or not. But, that doesn't really matter does it? Whether Rin is his blood or not? People had fostered their children to others all the time back in his day and those children had formed bonds every bit as strong with their foster families as they had their blood ones.

Stronger in some cases.

It's a shame that idea has been lost in this day. Kariya might have had an easier time if it hadn't.

But this line of thought, it's not a good one for him to run right now. It makes him think of another person he misses so much it hurts. His own father--the only one who he would ever give that name.

Aengus.

Lancer shuts his eyes and very carefully lays his head onto Kariya's lap, his face suddenly very child-like.]

Can I please just sit here for a while?

[vermicompost]

I know I'm lucky. I shouldn't forget that, how lucky I am to have someone I love. I like to think you'll see your family again, somehow. Wouldn't it be nice, if Aoi and Grainne could meet, and Rin and Sakura could play with your children? [Maybe he's gone too far today, into an idyll that can never be, but there are things that keep him from slipping away entirely. Like Rin. Rin and her anger and her red eyes.

He shakes his head. He's not yet blind to everything, even in his delusions.] It's different for Rin. She won't tell me, but I know there's something else. A father knows these things. She's suffering... I should do something to help her, but I don't know what. [His own pain doesn't matter so much. It was his choice, and as he'd said, he could bear it, for his family.]

[When Diarmuid rests his head on his lap, Kariya's eyes widen, but only for a moment. They narrow again as he smiles.]

You can stay with me as long as you like. It's beautiful here, isn't it? Coming here always makes me feel better. It reminds me of the park where we used to play... But I've told you that before, I know. I think you've heard all my stories by now.

[He rests a frail, wasted hand gently on Diarmuid's head.]

[oathshackledbird]

I'm...trying to help her with that pain, but she wants to take care of so much of it on her own.

[It's a risk, admitting to Kariya that everything isn't right in his little world, but the man seems to already know this. Arguing with him would be just as risky and something Lancer really doesn't have the strength for right now.]

I...don't mind hearing your stories over again. My father...he would tell me stories all the time when I was a child. It didn't matter if I had heard them a hundred times. Each time was like it was new. He would sing to me too. He had such a beautiful voice. He always wanted me to sing with him, but I was never that good. I always felt like I was damaging his song somehow.

[Lancer falls quiet for a while. Aengus had always said he sang as well as any song bird he'd heard, but what did that matter? He wasn't a song bird. He was a hawk. Meant for battle. Meant to take life, not sing of it.

A wetness gathers at the corners of Lancer's eyes and he quickly brings one of his hands up to brush it away.]

The best stories never grow old.

[vermicompost]

Are you? I'm so glad, Diarmuid. It's good that there's someone she can talk to about it. I hope she'll let you help her. She should. You're a good person, and I know she can trust you. [He doesn't pry about what the problem is. Rin is almost grown up now. It isn't his place to pry, but he wishes she'd tell him what's wrong.]

She's at that age, where she doesn't want to tell her father everything anymore. When she was little, she used to want to tell me all her little secrets. I wish she felt she could confide in me still.

You should have sung with your father. [He shakes his head, if with a smile.] It doesn't matter how it's sung, it's that you're singing it together that matters. That's how you feel, when you're a parent. It's like the terrible food your daughter made. All those little moments matter. You should sing for me, sometime. One of his songs. I'd like that.

You're kind, to want to listen to me. I don't know if it's much of a story, my story. I had a simple, normal life. We used to live near a park. Sakura, Rin, Aoi, and I would walk there almost every day, when the weather was nice. There were swings and a slide and all kinds of things for the children to play on. [The park is so bright and luminous in his mind. It's an idyllic place, where nothing bad could ever happen.] There were flowers, too, and I used to take pictures. I was never so happy, before or since.

But then– [He breaks off. His hand, still resting on Diarmuid's head, starts to shake. Even in his happy fantasy there's something darker lurking.] Sakura... [When he says her name, it's almost like a prayer, not that Kariya prays, not to anything like a god.] Sakura. [He can't seem to escape it, the thought of Sakura, the thought that something is and has been terribly wrong.] She went away. [He says it almost as if it's a question, but it isn't a question, because he knows something happened.]

[oathshackledbird]

Easy, Master, easy.

[Lancer sits up and takes Kariya's hand in his.]

She might have left, but she came back. She is here with you and Rin now and that is all that matters. You need to focus on going home so that you all can be with Aoi again. Don't worry about that time while she was gone. It's the past.

[He smiles gently.]

Come, if you would like, I will sing one of my father's songs for you. Will that make you feel better? You can tell me just how bad I am.

[vermicompost]

All right, Diarmuid. [Somehow, Diarmuid is able to calm him down. It's the Servant's calm strength, and his kindness. He's never quite felt he deserved such service. Who is he, after all? Just an ordinary person and a poor magus. He's never seen himself as anything special, except for the fact that he's a father who loves his children, but there's something in the way Diarmuid calls him "Master". Diarmuid seems to see something else in him, something worthwhile.

There's blood on his mouth and on his hands, but only a little. His skin is thin and splits so easily.]

It's hard to remember that time. When Sakura was gone. And the darkness, the room... [There are fragments of memories: the Matou Mansion, Zouken's face, the dark room with its sickeningly earthy smell– but he pushes them away when Diarmuid asks him to. He trusts Diarmuid] It's like a nightmare. [But it's over now, as Diarmuid said.] You're right. Now is what matters. And Aoi. I love her very much.

[He nods at Diarmuid's offer, touched by it.] I'd like that. I'm sure you're not bad. I know you must sing better than I do.

[He used to have a soft voice that people said was pleasant, but since the worms ravaged his throat, his voice is as much of a wreck as the rest of him.]

[oathshackledbird]

Then don't push yourself to remember. There is no reason to remember such a bad time.

[Lancer carefully wipes away the blood from Kariya's face and hands.]

I have to apologize, though. All of my father's songs are in our native tongue and it's not something that I can translate easily, but he always said that part of the magic of music is that it can transcend barriers like language.

[Lancer settles into a comfortable position at Kariya's feet and then shuts his eyes. After a few moments, a bittersweet song about love and loss begins to fill the air. It twists around them, the emotion in the words almost tangible as they are sung.

Aengus had been right to call his son a song bird. No matter how much Lancer might try to argue against it, there is no denying that his voice holds a beauty that few possess--a beauty that he will forever be deaf to.]

[vermicompost]

Maybe not. [Still, some part of him can't help but worry, aware that there's still something wrong, something he should be concentrating on. Something important that he shouldn't have forgotten. But he pushes it away for now, at Diarmuid's urging.]

That's all right. I don't need to understand the words. I want to hear.

[When Diarmuid sings, he sits and listens, quietly. One can listen to music in the tower media room, but this is different. This is real music, sung for him. He closes his eyes. He doesn't know the language, but he can sense the feeling in the song. It would be difficult to miss, Diarmuid sings with such emotion.

He doesn't speak right away when the song is done, allowing it to linger in the air for a few minutes. There are tears in his eyes again, but he blinks them away. He weeps so easily these days. Just as he bleeds.]

That was beautiful.

[And his own voice sounds even harsher in companion, Kariya a crow to Diarmuid's songbird.]

Your father was right. About the language being no barrier, and about your voice.

[oathshackledbird]

[Lancer shakes his head in denial.]

If you think that is good, you should have heard my father. You should have heard Oisin. They could sing. I am just a pale imitation.

[He bows his head, eyes lowered.]

I shouldn't even do it. It's an insult to them--to what they tried to teach me. A warrior like me could never hope to match them, but if it brings you some joy then that is all that matters. If you would like to hear me sing again, all you need to do is ask. You know I will do all you ask of me.

[vermicompost]

I don't think you know what you really sound like. You have a wonderful voice, that's all I know. I can't compare it to voices I haven't heard.

Why can't a warrior sing? If your father wanted you to sing, then you should. How can that be an insult? You can do it in his memory, if that was what he asked. I know I always want my girls to believe in themselves and do the things they're good at. I hope they'd listen to me, even though I'm only their silly old father. [He feels much older than he actually is.]

I'd like to hear you sing again, but if it pains you, I won't ask. [He doesn't want to cause Diarmuid any pain. Living in this place is hard enough.]