towerofanimus | A Thousand Ways To Say "I'm Sorry."

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A Thousand Ways To Say "I'm Sorry."

Characters: Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (Zero Lancer), the list of people he feels he has to apologize to after the experiment, and anyone else who runs into him around the tower looking quite a bit worse for the wear...
Setting: Anywhere in the tower
Format: Whatever you want to use. I will match.
Summary: After the experiment, Diarmuid finally gets around to dropping off a bunch of letters to the people he feels he needs to apologize to. He is also spending too much time fighting monsters and trying to make sure everyone in the tower is safe. Even for a servant, he's starting to not look so go. Stop him? Be saved by him? Save him?
Warnings: Angst? Derpiness? Updated to add: Clowns! Beware the clowns... Oh and blood, violence and death. Yep, both Lancers are going to bite it in here...
Note: The letters may be ignored or responded to as the character's muns see fit. I know not every character is going to care that Diarmuid feels like he needs to apologize. He's going to do it anyway cause that's how he is.

[Maybe it's because Diarmuid's old-fashioned or maybe it's just because he wants to see the letters delivered to a place that he knows the recipients will find them, but despite the new mail system, today many people within the tower will find a note or small gift sitting on their bed when they next stop by their room. If they don't spend much time in their room, they will instead find the note waiting for them in whatever place they spend the most time.]

Catarina:

Catarina's note is folded into the shape of a rose. The outside 'petals' have even been tinted red. Once unfolded, the note simply reads:

Lady, I hope your necklace turned up safely after the experiment ended. --Diarmuid

Zelda:

Lady, we met under...non-ideal circumstances. I hope that our future encounters will be far more pleasant. If you need another warrior in the fight against those who keep us here and you are willing to trust me after everything, my blade is yours. --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Mami:

Mami's note is folded into the shape of a rose with its 'petals' tinted yellow. Beside the note will be the small jar of tea he got from Lambdadelta. It's suppose to taste like Earl Gray with rose petals and white chocolate, but he hasn't tried it to find out accurate that description is.

Mami, I don't know how to begin to apologize to you for what I have done. Please take this gift as a small sign of how sorry I am. I will understand if you don't wish to speak with me again. However, I would like to try and continue to make things up to you. May I have that chance? --Diarmuid

Hidetoshi:

If you want, I can teach you how to skin a deer... --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Rin:

Rin's note is folded into the shape of a rose. Its 'petals' are red, though the edges have been blackened.

Lady, may we talk? I have much to say to you. --Diarmuid

Shotaro:

Are you all right? I never wanted to hurt you. Tell me how to make it up to you. --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Suzaku:

Since they never exchanged names, it takes a long time for Diarmuid to track down Suzaku, but his determination finally wins out.

We...need to talk. I was unforgivably rude to you, though I have every reason to believe the things you told me about your past were true. You cannot become like I did. I won't allow it. --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

The Endless Witch:

I have not forgotten that I owe you a favor... --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Aleph:

It takes a while to track down who Aleph is since they never exchanged names, but fortunately for Diarmuid, there aren't a lot of demon summoners in the tower.

We should hunt them again soon... --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

[After delivering his notes, Diarmuid returns to what he has been busying himself with ever since the experiment ended--making sure everyone is safe from the monsters and floors in the tower. With all the new floors that have just shown up, he has plenty of places to be in too. The problem is, he is taking no time to rest and not eating. While servants really don't need to eat or sleep, with as much energy as he is expending fighting monsters day and night, he really should be because otherwise, it's only going to be a matter of time before he runs into something he can't handle...]

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Right, I'm sorry. You did say that.

[Diarmuid runs his hand through his hair with a sigh.]

Perhaps, I am more tired than I thought. I keep making mistakes.

[He looks up, raising a hand.]

I'm not being hard on myself, just stating a fact. It might not be a bad idea if I actually sleep tonight instead of continuing my patrol as much as I hate to. Servants may not need to sleep, but the tower has a way of forcing it anyway. And....

[He pauses a moment to think and then shakes his head.]

I'm not sure when I last slept in my room. Best not to risk the tower's wrath, no?

You oughta remember t' take care of yourself too. Even I put myself in standby mode every once in a while.

[Diarmuid nods, his expression suddenly very weary again.]

I know. It's just that I try to rest and all I can think of is that someone I care about could be getting hurt while I'm resting. Actually, it doesn't even matter if it's someone I care about. Anyone getting hurt while I could have prevented it is unacceptable. It makes resting pretty hard, you know?

[He smiles, just slightly at her.]

I kind of wish I could switch myself into standby mode. I suppose you don't really think while you are like that, do you?

I know, I know. It ain't easy t' know someone's probably gonna end up hurt, but ya still gotta look out for yourself. We're no use t' anybody half-dead, yeah?

[Sigh.]

I'd guess it ain't any different from sleepin', but I don't really know.

You're right, I suppose.

[Though part of his brain reminds him that even half-dead a servant is still stronger than most humans. It's that part that doesn't ever seem to quiet down enough to let him rest.]

What I really need is a way to quiet my mind even if just for a little while. No thinking, no dreaming...

[It is the dreaming that does it most of the time. Servants aren't suppose to be able to dream, but here in the tower, he does. Horribly most of the time.]

Do you happen to know of any ways to do that?

[Labrys thought for a moment or two, fingers tapping lightly against the opposite arm.]

Hm...tried listenin' to music, maybe?

In my room? Do you know someone who has a device that would allow that? That might work, but it's not something I've tried since it would require me going to either the media or music rooms to listen. Unfortunately, if I am out and about, I will just patrol even if I am tired.

[But music really might work if he could just find a way to do listen to it in his room. After all, when he had needed comfort as a child, he had always found it in his father's songs.]

Huh...I know stuff like that exists, but I ain't sure where to get one. Yosuke or Minato might have one, but I don't wanna leave them without anythin'...

[Hm, this was a problem. Labrys trailed off, thinking for a minute before continuing.]

...I could try singin', if there ain't anyone around it'd be annoying.

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

And I wouldn't want to deprive them of their possessions. Maybe if I asked around on the network someone might be able to help me.

[He smiles gently at her suggestion.]

Now if you come to my room and sing me to sleep my roommate might get the wrong idea. He does that...at lot. Still, as much as I appreciate the offer, I would hate to trouble you like that.

It wouldn't be any trouble. I mean, I ain't Rise or nothin', but I ain't terrible as far as I know.

Rise? Who is that?

[The name is unfamiliar to him and for a moment distracts him from the original topic.]

And I'm sure you are fine. Anyone with as much heart and soul as you have will sing beautifully.

[Okay, so he's not distracted for long.]

Oh--she's a friend of mine, Rise Kujikawa. I guess she's a real popular idol singer back home or somethin'.

[Labrys laughed, actually blushing at that--who knew androids could do that, huh?]

Aw, c'mon. Now you're just bein' nice.

[The term 'idol singer' in unfamiliar to him, but he can tell enough from the rest of the sentence that he doesn't ask about it.]

Your friends are really a bunch of extraordinary people, aren't they? You are a very lucky girl.

[He laughs lightly at her reaction.]

Why shouldn't I be nice? You have been nothing but nice to me. Besides, it's easy to be nice when it's the truth.

Heh, everyone I know's pretty extraordinary. You included, y'know.

[Labrys paused for a second, as if something had only just come to mind.]

Hey. We're friends, so can I ask ya somethin' kinda personal?

[He smiles and blushes slightly at her compliment.]

Thank you, I don't think myself all that special, but I appreciate your words nonetheless.

Feel free to ask. I have never liked keeping secrets and if you want to be technical, my life is an open book. You know my real name so if you wanted to, you could go to the library and look up the story of my life.

I ain't gonna do that. If you wanna talk about yourself, you can. It ain't any a' my business to go lookin' on my own.

[Shaking her head, Labrys put a hand over her heart as she continued.]

It's just...I still got a lot t' learn about people and how their hearts work. So I wanna know...-not t'say anythin's wrong with ya, but I'm thinkin' about how you're always intent on helpin' people even when it means pushin' yourself too far. Or how ya think anythin' you want for yourself is selfish. I guess what I wanna know is...how's somebody end up thinkin' like that?

I can't remember how much I've told you about my father. Ever since the experiment, some parts of my memory are not as they should be.

[Silently, he curses the administrators for this. After willing himself to forget things during the experiment, now that things are actually gone he is not happy. So far the lapses seem to focus on the time of the experiment itself, but who is to say they will stay that way?]

He was a god of love and poetry, but the important part of that in this situation is the love. He would always tell me that the best way to love yourself was to love others because that improved the world around you not only for you but for everyone. It was a cycle of improvement.

In addition to that, I knew from an early age that I would be going to serve my lord. Learning to best serve him was the focus of my whole life. I suppose those two things alone would be enough to shape me into what I am, but there was one more thing.

[He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath.]

My curse. I always wanted to help people. It was what father taught me. It was my duty as a knight. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt them and that is just what the curse did. And it wasn't just the women I hurt. It was everyone who was upset by them being hurt. And then there was this one...

I-I tried to be gentle, I really did, but I had to make her understand. When she said she did, I thought everything was going to be okay. Then--

[His voice trembles and he stops to take another deep breath to calm it.]

She found me one day a few weeks later. I was out with Oscar taking care of some business and she...she killed herself in front of me.

[Diarmuid's eyes fly open, their corners moistened by tears. It's a sure sign of not only how tired he is that he can't control his emotions better, but how much this one incident has shaped him.]

How can I want anything for myself when I regularly take so much from others? How can that be right?

But that ain't even your fault!

[Fuming on Lancer's behalf, Labrys curled her hands into fists and stamped her foot with a metallic clank on the floor.]

Look, ya can't go blamin' yourself for what everybody else does, especially when it's 'cause of somethin' you ain't even able to control!

[She uncurled her hands, still looking irritated--if he wouldn't be angry at things like that, someone'd just have to do it for him.]

I don't know nothin' about that kinda love, so there ain't much I can say on the subject. But no matter what ya think, there ain't anythin' wrong with wanting things for yourself sometimes. Like...I want to be able t' go to a normal high school someday. I wanna see my sister again, I want all a' my friends to be able t' remember how we met...maybe it's selfish, and some of it ain't gonna happen.

But as long as y' got a heart, you're gonna want things for yourself. And that's okay, 'cause it means you're human--you can think and feel and want for yourself.

I just...I...

[He stops a moment, thinking and calming himself at the same time. That memory. No matter now much time passes it always comes back to him clear as the day it first happened.]

I wish I knew why I can accept others wanting things but not myself. I see nothing wrong with you wanting those things, but if it was me...

[He shakes his head.]

I just want to help others and see them happy. Isn't that enough? Why should I ask for more than that when asking for other things means I'm putting energy that could be helping others into something else?

[He pauses to shake his head again.]

I'm sorry. The way I think must really frustrate you. It seems like we always come back around to this. I should want stuff for myself, and I just don't know how. I do try, but it's just so much easier to do things the way I always have.

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A Thousand Ways To Say "I'm Sorry."

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Ack! TL;DR sorry!

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