towerofanimus | A Thousand Ways To Say "I'm Sorry."

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A Thousand Ways To Say "I'm Sorry."

Characters: Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (Zero Lancer), the list of people he feels he has to apologize to after the experiment, and anyone else who runs into him around the tower looking quite a bit worse for the wear...
Setting: Anywhere in the tower
Format: Whatever you want to use. I will match.
Summary: After the experiment, Diarmuid finally gets around to dropping off a bunch of letters to the people he feels he needs to apologize to. He is also spending too much time fighting monsters and trying to make sure everyone in the tower is safe. Even for a servant, he's starting to not look so go. Stop him? Be saved by him? Save him?
Warnings: Angst? Derpiness? Updated to add: Clowns! Beware the clowns... Oh and blood, violence and death. Yep, both Lancers are going to bite it in here...
Note: The letters may be ignored or responded to as the character's muns see fit. I know not every character is going to care that Diarmuid feels like he needs to apologize. He's going to do it anyway cause that's how he is.

[Maybe it's because Diarmuid's old-fashioned or maybe it's just because he wants to see the letters delivered to a place that he knows the recipients will find them, but despite the new mail system, today many people within the tower will find a note or small gift sitting on their bed when they next stop by their room. If they don't spend much time in their room, they will instead find the note waiting for them in whatever place they spend the most time.]

Catarina:

Catarina's note is folded into the shape of a rose. The outside 'petals' have even been tinted red. Once unfolded, the note simply reads:

Lady, I hope your necklace turned up safely after the experiment ended. --Diarmuid

Zelda:

Lady, we met under...non-ideal circumstances. I hope that our future encounters will be far more pleasant. If you need another warrior in the fight against those who keep us here and you are willing to trust me after everything, my blade is yours. --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Mami:

Mami's note is folded into the shape of a rose with its 'petals' tinted yellow. Beside the note will be the small jar of tea he got from Lambdadelta. It's suppose to taste like Earl Gray with rose petals and white chocolate, but he hasn't tried it to find out accurate that description is.

Mami, I don't know how to begin to apologize to you for what I have done. Please take this gift as a small sign of how sorry I am. I will understand if you don't wish to speak with me again. However, I would like to try and continue to make things up to you. May I have that chance? --Diarmuid

Hidetoshi:

If you want, I can teach you how to skin a deer... --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Rin:

Rin's note is folded into the shape of a rose. Its 'petals' are red, though the edges have been blackened.

Lady, may we talk? I have much to say to you. --Diarmuid

Shotaro:

Are you all right? I never wanted to hurt you. Tell me how to make it up to you. --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Suzaku:

Since they never exchanged names, it takes a long time for Diarmuid to track down Suzaku, but his determination finally wins out.

We...need to talk. I was unforgivably rude to you, though I have every reason to believe the things you told me about your past were true. You cannot become like I did. I won't allow it. --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

The Endless Witch:

I have not forgotten that I owe you a favor... --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

Aleph:

It takes a while to track down who Aleph is since they never exchanged names, but fortunately for Diarmuid, there aren't a lot of demon summoners in the tower.

We should hunt them again soon... --Diarmuid Ua Duibhne

[After delivering his notes, Diarmuid returns to what he has been busying himself with ever since the experiment ended--making sure everyone is safe from the monsters and floors in the tower. With all the new floors that have just shown up, he has plenty of places to be in too. The problem is, he is taking no time to rest and not eating. While servants really don't need to eat or sleep, with as much energy as he is expending fighting monsters day and night, he really should be because otherwise, it's only going to be a matter of time before he runs into something he can't handle...]

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[Suzaku was about to assume no one was in and walk away when the door opened. Suzaku blinked at the man and nodded stepping in to the room silently.] I did, thank you. And there was no need to apologise.

[He doesn't seem to be angry, more sad and ashamed.]

[That makes two of them as Diarmuid also seems ashamed and sad. He crosses the room to stand near his bed so that Suzaku doesn't feel like he's crowding him.]

No, the apology was necessary. I pried into your past without reason or care. I had no right to do such a thing. In all honesty, I should just forget what you told me, but I can't. I am worried about you following in my footsteps.

[He pauses a moment to look Suzaku over.]

You don't seem all that different from my memories, though they are becoming more and more fuzzy as time passes. Were you affected by the experiment at all?

[Suzaku closed the door behind him and then stood by it, almost but not quite at attention. He nodded at the apology but still did not think it necessary, after all he could have walked away if he had truly not wished to answer.]

I wasn't, I assume you were? [That might have explained some of the bitterness...]

Oh, only a little.

[Diarmuid's voice is bitter as rubs at his eyes to try and relax the tension he can already feel forming behind them.]

I believed I had been stuck in this place for over a thousand years and that nothing I ever tried to do to help anyone escape had worked. It was...crushing to say the least. That...thing you met could not have been less like me if it had tried.

[Except of course, Diarmuid is wrong on that. Suzaku had been one of the few people who had managed to wake what little of the knight of old had been left in him, but with everything else he had done wrong during that time, those few glimpses are easily overlooked.]

[A thousand years... no wonder he had seemed so... lost. A thousand years of memories of being here.] I'm sorry that happened to you. Those that keep us here are cruel.

[Diarmuid nods, pursing his lips together.]

Cruel is something of an understatement It is hard for me to understand how anyone can be so cruel to another, but...

[He pauses and shakes his head.]

That is why I wanted to apologize. I let them make me into something horrible, something like them, something like...him...

[Yes, as scary as it might seem, there is someone Diarmuid will always think worse than them and that man is his biological father.]

[Suzaku might struggle to understand why people were cruel but cruelty was something he was used to and something that no longer surprised him.] They have no reason to be kind to us. [Jason had pretty much said that he believed that rescuing them had created a large enough debt for the experiments to be a justified payment.]

Something like who? [Usually Suzaku wouldn't pry, but Diarmuid knows a lot about him and Suzaku so little about him, he knew he had been affected by Geass too, more than once. One had caused his death, he had mentioned a father and a lord but Suzaku did not know which of those he feared to turn into, if either.]

There is always reason to be kind to others. It doesn't matter if they owe them something or if you hate them. Even if they have done you wrong some respect should remain. To lose that makes you little more than a monster.

[Diarmuid pauses before answering his next question.]

Since you weren't affected by the experiment, you remember our conversation during it, right? I mentioned my biological father to you then. It's he I am referring to. He....is everything I don't want to be and during the experiment I became far too much like him.

And that is all that they are. [He nodded, he remembered the conversation clearly, too clearly it replayed itself in his mind in the all too frequent times where sleep was a million miles away, before the inevitable happened and he roamed the tower looking for monsters to fight.]

They do that, the experiments. They use our fears and hopes against us. It was a scenario designed to hurt you, it doesn't mean you will turn into him.

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes and shakes his head.]

I know, but that knowledge doesn't make the fear go away. I'm sure you understand how that is--to know one thing and feel another. It's what makes it so hard to move on. I suppose that is why the administrators design so many of their experiments to take advantage of that.

[He takes a deep breath and the looks at Suzaku.]

I thank you, though. The fact that I worry about becoming him is probably a sure sign I never will.

[Suzaku nodded, because he did understand. It was very easy to get caught up in the experiments, to believe them even if you knew they were not truth.] You wont, because you fight against it.

Yes...you are right.

[He smiles, though the smile is a little strained.]

You should listen to your own advice. You are much like me, I think. You have done bad things in the past and cannot let them go, so you fear they will always rule your actions. However that very fear will be what keeps you from repeating your mistakes and becoming what you fear so much again.

[A short bitter laugh at that.] The more I try to avoid my past mistakes the more I repeat them.

[And because something about Diarmuid makes him more open than with other people; probably because Diarmuid managed to guess so much about him, and he was like him. He was right about that Suzaku thought.]

I first killed someone when I was barely ten years old... I promised myself then it would be the last. I'm now nineteen... and I've lost track of how many people I have murdered...

[Diarmuid nods. This too sounds familiar.]

Then maybe you are going about things wrong? Maybe you are making the wrong promises? I know you don't want to kill people, but if Fate is going to push you into that role, perhaps it would be best to make yourself a different promise so that you are not constantly failing? Do you think that might work for you?

I don't understand. [Suzaku looked down and away, anything to not be looking at Diarmuid.] Isn't that just giving up

No.

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

As long as you keep trying, you never give up even if you have to try and approach things differently from time to time. I would also say, though, if you keep trying the same thing over and over again or keep making the same promise to yourself over over again knowing you will fail that itself is a kind of giving up.

[Suzaku wasn't too sure he agreed but bowed his head regardless.] I'm not sure how to approach things differently.

[After all, not murdering seemed like a simple thing to aim for. However difficult it had turned out to be in practice.]

Unfortunately, even as noble a goal as not killing is, it's a hard one to meet in practice. This is especially true when you live a life that involves fighting and war.

However, even if you can't keep that goal, there are other things you can do. For one, you can try to keep loss of life to a minimum. You can try to keep damages to a minimum too. Required deaths can be done and quickly and cleanly as possible. You can even try to protect innocents who aren't directly involved with whatever is going on.

Perhaps these are things you already do, but they are ways to start. Make those your goals and build upward from there.

[Suzaku looked away and down at the words, guilt rising in his eyes] For a long time I did... Protect innocents. I made a point not to hurt civilians though my superiors in the army thought it strange of me, I was sometimes ordered to shoot regardless but for the most part I succeeded.

[Then there was a silence, because Suzaku had told Diarmuid he was a murderer, but he had a feeling the man didn't realise to what extent... Suzaku was young after all.] I fired a weapon which destroyed the capital city of my homeland. I don't know the final death toll but it was over thirty million, mostly civilians before...

[Before he had stopped watching the figures and concentrated on betraying the emperor...]

[Diarmuid is quiet for a long moment. That many lives gone so quickly... It hard for him to comprehend it. Still...

He looks up at Suzaku. The pain that fills the boy's face is terrible to behold. However, it's also a good thing to behold.

A few quick steps bring Diarmuid to Suzaku's side, and once there he puts a hand on the boy's shoulder.]

You regret. You feel pain for every life, and in that way they will always live on inside of you. Perhaps, instead of focusing on not killing anymore, your actual goal should be finding some way to live for all of them. It is a tall order, but I know you will be able to do it. Just pick a first step and take it. The rest will come after.

[He stiffens, though he doesn't actually pull away, not completely, though he seems ready to.] Live for all of them... I don't understand.

[Diarmuid notices his reaction and steps back, letting his hand drop from Suzaku's shoulder. His gaze finds the boy's own, though, and holds it.]

You feel guilt and sadness for taking their lives? Why is that? Have you ever thought about it? Most people would say that they feel guilty because they snuffled out so much promise, so much development, so much love, so much hate. If that is the case, then it is your duty to find a way to repay that. To see that those lives mean something even if they ended before they should have. Until you find a way to memorialize them outside of yourself, that guilt and sadness will make sure you remember them in your heart.

It's a huge task, yes, but you don't have to do it by yourself or all at once. That is what friends are for.

[Suzaku hadn't really ever examined the feelings he felt actually. Just shoved them in a box and tried to move on, betrayed Britannia, joined Lelouch, killed more people. Desperately tried to save the world. Ended up here.

Make their lives mean something... It was a huge task and one that Suzaku wasn't sure where to start.] How? [They were friends? Suzaku blinked trying to turn this concept round in his head, memorializing everyone he had killed... it was a huge job. How could he live for millions of people.]

Well, I would say the first step is taking care of yourself.

[Diarmuid smiles gently.]

After all, you can't live for anyone if you are dead, can you? After that, perhaps a good place to start would be to sit down and look at your feelings instead of just pushing them away. Once you understand yourself and the situation, then I think you will be much better able to understand what you feel you need to do to live for them. Maybe once you go back home you can see the city rebuilt. Maybe you will start a foundation to help those affected by the attack. Or maybe you will just find a student to teach and share your story with so that they will never do what you once did. What you do doesn't have affect as many lives as you took. It can be something large if you can do it, but something small that still passes on what you have learned from all of this is just as acceptable.

[Suzaku shrugged] Don't worry, I wont die. [Couldn't. Which admittedly often meant that he didn't bother taking care of himself at all.

He didn't have the heart to tell Diarmuid that if they did manage to return (which he doubted) then the fact he had been snatched here in the middle of a decisive battle where he held the key to their victory meant that if the world hadn't ended it would not be a pleasant place.

Not that it ever had been. But all their hopes for a better world would have been shattered. He remembered the world that wasn't real that he had been sent to and looked down.]

I'll try...

A Thousand Ways To Say "I'm Sorry."

yay!

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