towerofanimus | For Diarmuid [Closed]

Entry tags:

For Diarmuid [Closed]

Characters: Suzaku and Lancer (Diarmuid)
Setting: Gymnasium
Format: Um any
Summary: After February and all it entailed two angsty knights meet again
Warnings: Angst, talk of event stuff, probably death seeking and self destruction talk knowing these two

Suzaku had had a few sleepless nights. Between dealing with everything that had happened, angry roommates and an insane emperor he was exhausted but sleep seemed like a hundred miles away and it was always easier to go out, cutting down monsters until he felt like he was doing some good, rather than lying awake and letting the past, and the present, haunt him.

He had been training hard, in between working and keeping an eye on those he had promised to watch out for. And so despite his worries that something odd was happening in the tower, floors cut off... perhaps another game... He was in the gymnasium going through forms, losing himself in the rhythm, trying to forget everything.

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Diarmuid nods, quiet for several moments before speaking, "This is why we can't let them win. No matter now much despair they throw at us, we can't let it change us. And we can't let it make us hate ourselves."

He looks up and catches Suzaku's eyes, "Do you understand what I am saying? We both felt dislike and even hate for ourselves when we came here. This place only amplifies that and we can't let it do that. We both have too much good we can do for people to let ourselves be defeated."

Suzaku frowned and looked at the ground, he wasn't sure there was that much good he could do for people at all, at least no good that others couldn't do just as well or better.

"I understand..."

"Then you realize there is a place for all of us especially with as much trouble as there is here. Those places each need multiple people in them. It would not be good to have any position empty because of injury or departure," Diarmuid smiles. Is it wrong to use his knowledge of what those looks mean on himself to guess what Suzaku is thinking?

He just hopes he doesn't guess wrong and end up upsetting the man someday.

He blushes slightly, still a little unnerved at Diarmuid's ability to tell what he is thinking. He shrugged, and reached into his pocket, bringing out the shard of spear that Diarmuid had given him.

"I didn't thank you for this... I meant to, but a lot happened. I apologise."

Diarmuid smiles, touched that Suzaku liked his gift enough to carry it with him, "There is no need to apologize. I'm glad you liked it. I have to admit, I was a little worried perhaps I was saying too much, but it was something I really wanted to say--to share with you.

"I just wish..." He pauses to sigh and then shakes his head. "You and I are far too much alike in some ways. I really wish that gave me more knowledge on how to help you, but it doesn't since I am still working through so many of my own problems. It is a long, difficult process."

It made Suzaku feel guilty again, that despite all of his own problems Diarmuid was still trying to help him. "You are helping..." He spoke quietly, "Thank you..." Even if he found it hard to understand he was grateful.

"I'm glad to hear that. I would hate to think I was inadvertently making things worse by pushing too hard," Diarmuid nods, then stands and holds a hand out to Suzaku to help the other man rise to his feet.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about? You don't have to, but I just wanted to ask. Anything. It doesn't even have to be all that serious. If it will help you feel better, I will listen."

Suzaku took it and stood up with a nod of thanks. He blinked at the offer, not sure what he did have to talk about.

So in good Suzaku style he changed the subject, "How have you been? You weren't caught up in all that fog madness were you?"

Diarmuid had been hoping that Suzaku would take the opportunity to talk more about what has been troubling him, but when he doesn't Diarmuid just lets things go. He doesn't want to push things too far after all. Hadn't they just talked about that?

He's not very happy to be asked about the mist, though. Still, how can he expect Suzaku to be honest with him if he doesn't return the favor?

"I...did have some issues with the fog. I didn't go out right away, but once I started hearing about it I did. I patrolled the stairwells listening for people who needed help, dodging in and out of the floors to do what I could. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that the mist's affects could stack and ended up falling victim to an illusion later in the day," Diarmuid looks away for a moment, thinking about if he should go into more detail or not. In the end, he decides not. Some things he's just not ready to talk about yet and killing his roommate who he thought was his best friend at the time then dying alongside of him is one of them.

"I'm sorry." Suzaku said quietly, for what happened and for asking both.

"It affected Lelouch pretty badly." It hadn't actually been too bad for Suzaku, voices telling him he had failed were normal and he had gotten out before madness had set in.

Diarmuid shakes his head, "Don't be sorry. I was careless and paid for it. I thought I could handle the voices and visions since I knew they were fake, but after awhile..." He pauses and then shakes his head again, "I should not have assumed I would continue to be able to tell the difference. Why don't we leave it at that?"

"Lelouch? Have you mentioned him before? The name sounds familiar, but I cannot place why, and I am pretty sure I haven't met anyone who calls themselves that. Hopefully, he was able to avoid meeting the same fate as I met."

Suzaku nodded, letting the man have his privacy even if he was worried about him.

He shrugged, he wasn't sure if he had actually, "He's from my world, I'm his knight." He told him, "Madness... I guess he is susceptible to it, so when such things happen he is often badly affected."

Perhaps Suzaku hadn't been the one to tell him. It might just have been a name he saw on the network or perhaps it is some crossed memory from the December experiment. So much of that time is fuzzy now--the details gone, but the emotions and impressions remain.

But from that fuzziness, a detail does peek out. Something he knew for a fact that Suzaku had told him...

"Would this be the 'friend' who cursed you?"

After all, what better 'gift' to give one's champion than the inability to die?

Suzaku nodded, "Yes. Lelouch has the power to give absolute orders."

"And does he still have that power here?" There is suddenly fear in Diarmuid's eyes. Maybe it's just because of how Suzaku had described the power as being that to give an 'absolute order' instead of a 'geis,' but suddenly all he can think of Kayneth giving him that last fatal absolute order.

The idea of someone walking around with unlimited command spells that can be used on everyone not just servants...

Unconsciously, Diarmuid's arms wrap around himself, and he squeezes to try and keep himself from shaking. He's only partly successful in the attempt.

Suzaku noticed that response and frowned, wondering what had happened... He wished he had good news for the man but he nodded.

"He does, and in some ways it is worse than it was at home... He can only give one command to each person, he has to be meeting their eyes. The only way you can reverse such a command is death." He paused, "Here it works the same, whatever they do when they transfer our souls cancels out the Geass just as it gives us back limbs we might have lost. However it also means it resets his ability to geass that person."

Diarmuid's mouth presses into a hard line. He takes a deep breath and when he looks back up at Suzaku, he seems a little calmer, but his arms are still tightly wrapped around himself.

"Does he do it a lot?" The question is very tentative. He doesn't want to insult Suzaku or his friend, but still, this is something like a nightmare for him, and he is trying to find some way to strip away some of his fear.

Suzaku frowned, worried about Diarmuid, wondering what was wrong. Then again Suzaku knew he had been under Geass before, if a slightly different kind.

He flinched slightly at the question, "More than he should..." He was silent a moment before adding, "He's good, I believe that... His methods are just sometimes... We were in a situation where it was the only way by the end... He got used to being viewed as a monster... It's different here... I think it is hard for him to not have complete control over events..."

He moved closer, "What's wrong?"

"I can...understand that. The discomfort with not having control. But it sounds like perhaps you are keeping an eye on him to see that he doesn't hurt too many people?" There is a hopeful note in his voice, but that drops away when he hears Suzaku's question.

Still, he is somewhat surprised that the other man has asked him straight out what is wrong and so he can't bring himself to ignore the question even though Diarmuid does look away from him, "On my world our masters are given three absolute orders called command spells. One can attempt to resist them, of course, but it is extremely painful and ultimately futile."

This he knows well from experience.

"My master used one of these absolute orders during the war...to force me to kill myself. Your friend seems to be a walking source of unlimited command spells but not just for servants. For everyone. I think now, you can see why the very idea terrifies me. I am tired of no longer having control of my life. Especially since so many times that loss of control has lead me to death."

Suzaku nodded, he tried at least. It was hard, and he couldn't save everybody.

He grew cold when Diarmuid spoke, because how many times had Lelouch done the very same thing? How many times had Suzaku watched as he ordered someone to kill themselves.

And it wasn't even the worst he had done. He dragged his thoughts away from that blood stained stadium because down that path lay... Nothing good.

"I'm sorry..." And he really was, it was an awful thing to happen, an awful fate. He wished he could tell him that Lelouch wouldn't do such a thing, but it would be a terrible lie.

Diarmuid looks at Suzaku for a moment before nodding. The expressions on the other man's face and his very carefully chosen words really tell him all he needs to know.

His arms tighten slightly around his waist.

"I think it would be best if your friend and I don't meet. I am sorry. I just..."

...I just can't guarantee I won't do something stupid...

"I understand." And he did, and he wished he hadn't spoken. He had warned Diarmuid that he had done unspeakable things, helped Lelouch do unspeakable things and it surprised him that Diarmuid even wanted to talk to him he couldn't expect him to want to know Lelouch as well.

Even if many ways Lelouch deserved to be helped more than Suzaku did. Unthinkingly Suzaku's stance had changed from relaxed, or as relaxed as Suzaku ever got, to at attention, his eyes blank.

Even as emotional as he is, Diarmuid doesn't miss the change in Suzaku's expression and posture. Though he still looks upset, his expression does soften, "Don't. Don't put that mask up with me, please..."

It was instinctive, and Suzaku blinked not quite sure what he meant. "I'm not wearing a mask."

Diarmuid arms finally come from around his waist and he reaches out toward Suzaku's face. He stops short of touching the man, though, "You went really stiff all of the sudden and your face went completely blank. If that is not a mask, I don't know what else to call it. It's not you. Not the you I am coming to know."

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