One failure too many... [open]

[scorchedchivalry]

Characters: Saber (Alter) and YOU
Setting: Floor 48 (Graveyard)
Format: Action (but I'll match)
Summary: Saber finds Irisviel's gravestone and loses control of her emotions
Warnings: Violence - ANY SERVANT ENTERING THE GRAVEYARD HAS A REAL CHANCE OF DYING VIA EXCALIBUR


[She should be used to not being allowed to have the things she wanted. After all those years being king, denying her emotions, ruling fairly and justly, and the time spent watching her once master with the woman she loved... she should be used to to it. Everything was always taken from her, no matter what she did to try and hold onto it.

Avalon, her kingdom, her knights, her ideals, her trust, her faith... All of it taken away because of her own failures. She'd lost Irisviel in the Fourth War, but had been granted a second chance with her. And yet, she still couldn't have what she wanted for Kiritsugu's ghost lingered even now, even here in the Tower, staying Saber's hand, making her swallow her emotion - her love - for the woman in white. Again, she had tried to be content as nothing more than Irisviel's knight and leave it at that. But it had been so hard with the taint of Angra Mainyu within her, making her feel all those emotions she suppressed so clearly. So, the knight had found other outlets to keep Irisviel pure, to not let her purity be stained by Saber's corruption. And Irisviel was a married woman; Saber could not and would not do what had been done to her back in Camelot. Circumstances may have been different then, but her honor would not allow her to walk the path Lancelot did.

But when Saber could not find Irisviel and instead found the gravestone bearing her name, everything came crashing down upon her at once.

Failure... failure... failure... She'd failed to keep Irisviel safe again. She'd failed to make her princess happy. She'd failed in her duty as a knight. Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Small moments of happiness, all she could ever have, were taken from her again. The one person who understood her as well as, if not better, than herself had disappeared. The loneliness inside of the Saber was a dark and hollow place. She was always lonely and in that emptiness surrounding her heart, Angra Mainyu sat and twisted and squeezed and poisoned Saber's heart. All the Evil of the World wrapped about Saber's core and fed on that emotion she suppressed.

Betrayal.

Failure.

Hatred.

Anger.

Sorrow.

Pain.

Longing.

Rage.

The longer Saber stood there looking down at the stone bearing the name of Irisviel von Einzbern, the more the taint coiled in that kernel of emotion.

Rage.

The evidence of her failure was right before her. The Tower Administrators were rubbing it right into her face.

Rage.

Mocking her. Taunting her. As if she wasn't suffering from self-castigation knowing her failure had sent Irisviel straight back to her death.

Rage.

Such an apt symbol of her failure - this gravestone - knowing Irisviel's fate. But it wasn't a real stone. Irisviel's body wasn't there underneath it. Irisviel had become the Holy Grail. The very thing Kiritsugu forced her against her will to destroy.

Rage.

She'd been the one to destroy Irisviel, to end her existence, commanded to by the man who supposedly loved her. Did he even love her as much as Saber did? Did he even acknowledge that she was there... And now, now, Irisviel was gone again. It was just like Saber had cleaved her in half again. The gravestone started to look to Saber like it was covered in mud as her emotions grew inside.

Rage.

Angra Mainyu coiled tighter and the emotionless king couldn't be emotionless anymore. She hated this place. Hated the stone before her. Hated the way everything she touched corroded and disintegrated. Her kingdom, her wishes, her desires, her hopes, her goals, her dreams... All of them crumbled in her grasp.

Rage.

Legend may call her a great king, the Once and Future King, that lead Britain to a time of golden prosperity, but she knew what she really was. She wasn't the King of Knights. She was the King of Nothing. Nothing... nothing... but RAGE.

Corrupt, dark prana flooded the graveyard then as the red marks of Angra Mainyu spread up Saber's neck and along her jaw and her armor materialized. Visor sliding down to cover her eyes, the black knight had little to no control over her prana, over her anger, as she raised her right hand.]



Excalibur.



[The black sword, tainted with her own corruption and pulling on the dark side of the fae, was summoned into hand. No Invisible Wind obscured the blade from sight. It glowed with a pulsing red and the swirling of dark violet prana around Saber traveled up the sword and then back down in opposite to the pulsing of the red.

She was the King of Nothing and Fuyuki City had been nothing. Her kingdom had become nothing. Her heart was well on its way to becoming nothing. Nothing but rage.

This graveyard should be NOTHING.

With a tremendous surge of prana, Saber activated her Noble Phantasm. The sword in her hand grew in length until it was hard to tell exactly how long it was. Power and corruption crackled along its length as the black knight wielded it like it was also nothing. The rage Angra Mainyu was squeezing out of her black heart was manifest in this version of her Noble Phantasm. Vortigern had indeed been a vile king of Britain before her father. His infamy was almost as famous as her legend.

She would smash everything to nothing. So it would be just like her. Just as all should be. Nothing. Then there would be nothing left to lose. Nothing left to fail.

Nothing.

And with that, Saber swung Excalibur and leveled the entire row of gravestones, Irisviel's included. Clearing a swath, she took another step and turned, cutting another row. Two more rows later, she turned back and saw that name on a stone behind her.

Irisviel von Einzbern.

Rage in her grew and she let out a primal scream as she cut the stone down again. Every few seconds, it would return, as did any other she destroyed. The more they returned, the more she was fueled by emotion to destroy them. Destroy them all.

Nothing... She wanted this place to be nothing. Why did it refuse to end? Unable to answer her own rage-filled question, Saber furiously destroyed row of gravestones after gravestones. It was unending. Neverending.

The stones just kept coming back...]

Comments

[scorchedchivalry]

Free myself.

[Saber hasn't voiced her altered wish to anyone before. Not even to Sakura. Not directly, at least.]

Free myself from the shackles I bound myself in that day I drew the sword from the stone. Chivalry, Honor, Royalty... They have brought be nothing but despair. Outdated things that have no place because humanity is defined by blood and betrayal. I cannot break my code no matter how much I want to. I cannot. As much as I try, I cannot rid myself of the silver knight. Of the pathetic child that had been playing at being king, with eyes full of hope and ideal. Foolish ideals brought to life through silver chains and empty rooms and a lonely heart.

And I am tired of it. Just so... tired.

[no_longer_a_king]

[She leans her head against Saber's and nods. She knows, if she ever got a chance at the Holy Grail War, she'd want the same thing, the exact same thing. To be free of duty and pain and loneliness and the fighting. So much fighting the only reason she's kept it up at all in the Tower is because she has nothing else, nothing at all.

Even her foolish attempts to live honorably despite what she did was because she had no idea just how else to live. It was a farce, how she played at the knight despite no longer being one.]

I'd want the same thing if I had the chance.

[If she knew the Grail wouldn't bring unspeakable ruin alongside her wish this time around.]

[scorchedchivalry]

You had the chance. You chose otherwise. Your eyes had not been opened.

[Saber closed her eyes then and drew in a deep breath.] I do not fault you for your ignorance, Wart.

[no_longer_a_king]

[She smiles. A sad and lonely smile and she was convinced she would have tears if she hadn't already wept bitterly on her first day here when everything hit her at once and she had a chance to properly think for the first time in what may have been centuries.

But, hearing that, it feels like a weight has been lifted off her chest. That, perhaps, Camelot's destruction truly was an accident and not her own fault. How could she have known the Grail's true nature? How could she have known that her wish to save Camelot would ultimately destroy it?]

And I do not fault you for anything, Arturia.

[Saber had not asked to be tainted and, given how much control of her self she had, she had managed better than anyone else in her position might. And, by her own admission, she had a future to go back to if her wish was granted. Something Arturia would see happen one way or another. She just had to get everyone free of this tower and save the worlds first.

Somehow.]

She would fault you for anything either.

assuming that's supposed to be 'wouldn't' at the end there...

[scorchedchivalry]

...I killed a Servant here. Before you found me.

[Her brow furrowed.]

I am not sure who.

Yep. My bad on that.

[no_longer_a_king]

Do you remember anything about the battle itself?

[Or was it similar to the madness that had consumed the Berserkers? If it was a noble warrior, he would seek answers and understand the situation and, if not, then she knew Saber would be able to protect herself from that servant.]

[scorchedchivalry]

It was quick. He was fast.

...Lancer class?

[no_longer_a_king]

I'll check on Diarmuid later. He's the only Lancer I know of here.

[Then again, she's never actively sought out the people from their world.]

Do you remember anything else?

[scorchedchivalry]

Cu Chulainn is here, as well. He is not from our Fifth War but another Fifth War. One where the King of Knights truly is a man.

[She shakes her head.] Nothing else. It was fast. Two strikes of Excalibur, I think.

[no_longer_a_king]

I see. [That.... is a can of worms she isn't sure she wants to deal with. A world in which she had been a man? Would she have still looked like herself? Or resembled Gawain? Or even her father? Much as she often wished she were a man, she had always had trouble picturing it. Even Merlin did that damn spell it'd been so strange she'd rejected it. At least, that's what she can remember. It's still disturbing to find these holes in her memories even if she understoof that was what time simply did.]

So, when you're like that, you really can't think at all?

[A stupid question, but she's getting curious about the taint Saber has to bear.]

[scorchedchivalry]

[Saber frowned.]

This is the first time I have been unable to suppress the rage. I can think... It is not madness like the Berserker class. But it is... strong.

[Her hand touches the spread marks on her neck and jaw. She didn't even realize it was up to her cheek then.]

[no_longer_a_king]

....what's it like? If you don't mind telling me.

[The curse. The taint upon her other self's skin. She's heard bits and pieces about it before, but never the full story, never any of the details.]

[scorchedchivalry]

I do not know if I can describe it well. [She thinks for a moment.]

Picture a poisoned knife driven into your heart. You have two choices then. You can pull the knife free before the poison sets in, but to do so is to perish for your heart will bleed out. The other choice is to leave the knife there and heal around it. You still live, you still continue on, but the poison on the knife is continually leeching into your body. It first consumes your heart, infects your soul and then tries to eat at your mind.

Out of all three, there is only one willpower can stave off. It is the only think that keeps you from becoming a ravening monster.

[She looks over toward the stairs where Illyasviel had been earlier.]

Berserker was claimed by the taint as I was. But without a mind to resist it... [She shook her head.] He was covered from head to toe with the mark of Angra Mainyu.

[no_longer_a_king]

[And that must be why the mark grew. Arturia fights the urge to touch the marks. She knows how many liberties she's taking just by putting an arm about her, but to hear it like that....

At least Arturia still had her mind, even if she no longer had control of her body when called upon. At least her heart and soul were still in tact. Ragged, yes. Worn thin, yes, but still in tact. She did not have something constantly eating at her very being, something she needed to stave off at all times lest it consume her. And then the thought of Hercules being consumed by the same thing, unable to fight due to his mind being consumed is downright horrifying.

....part of her wonders if the people of Camelot went through the same thing when Angra Mainyu consumed them.]

And you mentioned before you had methods to help keep it at bay? [She's thinking back to the bar.]

I apologize if I'm prying into matters you'd rather not talk about. Please let me know if you wish me to stop.

[scorchedchivalry]

Outlets. Indulgences. Ways to let the darkness out in a safe manner. Bleeding some of the prana off at times...

[She falls silent for a moment.]

Sakura is here. That will help. It had become hard to deal with as of late.

[no_longer_a_king]

I shall have to speak to her then. Make sure she's well. If you need any assistance protecting her, please, let me know.

[Sakura had been a good friend to her and now that she knew more about the girl's situation, the more she wished to protect her. She had been a dear friend of Shirou's, Rin's sister, and kind to Arturia herself in her world. The least she could do is help protect her.

And she knows Saber would kill her before she could hurt her Master.]

As to your outlets, if there's any way I can help you with them, do not be afraid to ask that of me as well.

[She thinks it's more along the lines of sparring matches and potentially being a human pincushion.]

[scorchedchivalry]

I do not know if you can help. I am sure I do things you would never do. The taint does make me see things differently.

[no_longer_a_king]

Such as what?

[Well. She remembers hearing about the various relationships on her post, but she keeps that to herself. Surely it can't involve the sort of things she, Rin, and Shirou had to do in order to survive fighting against Berserker.]

[scorchedchivalry]

I do not believe you really want to know.

[no_longer_a_king]

If you're certain. [Though she does not understand what could be worse than killing her Master. Clearly Saber had enough self control not to go around slaughtering people for the sake of maintaining her sanity.]

[scorchedchivalry]

It is better this way. Allow me my secrets.

[no_longer_a_king]

I shall.

[A beat.]

Will you be all right now? Or would you like me to stay a while? [They didn't even need to talk. She only intended to stay and keep Saber company.]

[scorchedchivalry]

It is probably better for me to not linger here. I cannot call Excalibur... and I killed another.

[no_longer_a_king]

Then come:

[She rises to her feet, offers Saber her hand to help her up.]

You can stay in my room until Excalibur returns if you need a safe haven.

[That was another disturbing thought: the Administrators can call off people's powers so suddenly. Arturia has no doubt it will return to her eventually, but Saber needs to be able to protect herself should Cu Chulain come for her.]

[scorchedchivalry]

[Saber takes the hand and pulls herself up onto her feet. She didn't like needing shelter, but there was no denying how vulnerable she was without Excalibur. Hopefully, no one would ever think that she was stripped of it, even temporarily.]

I am tired. Would you allow me respite?

[Since she's not just going to assume she can sleep on Arturia's bed. Even if it was... hers. Sorta. Ish.]