[open; dated 4/20] // dream fades before dawn

[fionnuisce]

Characters: Waver and open!
Setting: Floor 25
Format: Action, but I will try to match.
Summary: Someone doesn't cope well with screwing up.
Warnings: None yet.

[Since his revival, Waver hadn't slept. He certainly hadn't eaten, considering the miserable state of the cafeteria's choices. Not that he thought it mattered; there were more important things to do.]

[Twice, twice now he'd failed and gotten himself killed. This time it wasn't the death itself that bothered him (though painful, it had at least been quick) so much as it was the circumstances surrounding it. If he hadn't hesitated, if he hadn't faltered, if he hadn't been terrible with one of the most basic forms of magecraft...a thousand 'if' possibilities had run through his head countless times over by now.]

[Waver could be found sitting in the meadow on the twenty-fifth floor, and in time he'd surrounded himself with scattered and discarded notebook pages--upon which were drawn sigils both magical and alchemical in nature. It was clear he'd spent hours there (if not a day or two) doing...what was he doing? There was a small knife in his left hand, which Waver seemed to be using to cut various parts off flowers; sometimes focusing on only one, and occasionally several at a time.]

[However many he'd damaged, the green-suited magus would then hold out his hand and appear to be in deep concentration. If he was lucky, a pale green light would flicker and crackle around his hand, and the flowers would appear to slowly repair themselves.]

[...But he usually wasn't lucky. Waver estimated that even after endless hours' practice, his healing magecraft would only work approximately five times out of ten, and would only heal effectively three out of those five. No matter; he had absolutely no intention of leaving this floor until he got it right. What had begun as a harsh realization of the need for practice had rapidly spiraled downward into an obsessive task of repeated motions and stubborn fixation.]

[For him, healing was a difficult thing, one which all his thoughts had to be focused on. Unfortunately, he was thinking of far too many more troubling things; his obsessive practice had turned to an exercise in futility.]

Comments

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid has to read the letter more than once since the information in it is lost to his shock the first time. By the time he is done, there is no color left in his face.]

He saw my breakdown...and now he thinks I'm corrupt?

[He looks up at Waver, fear in his eyes.]

I-I never thought of that, but wouldn't that mean that any servant who went back to the Grail after being defeated could be corrupt?

D-do you think I'm corrupt? Is that why I...

[Diarmuid cuts himself off, squeezing his eyes closed to try and calm himself. It's hard because if that is true, it suddenly makes a terrifying kind of sense why he can't calm the rage and hate inside of him...]

[fionnuisce]

I don't know, Diarmuid. There's too much about this I don't understand yet, but the possibility isn't one I can completely ignore.

[Waver put his arms around Diarmuid's shoulders, voice steady.]

I need you to realize this; it's going to be alright. If you are, I'll find a way to help you. If you aren't, there's nothing to worry about. Either way, you are my friend above all else--I won't abandon you for anything, least of all something like this.

[oathshackledbird]

I know you won't abandon me, but...if I am corrupt, how can I stay with you? I cannot risk hurting you... I won't risk being like her!

[Diarmuid suddenly pulls away from Waver, standing and taking a few steps away. His arms wrap around his waist, shoulders hunching as if he is trying to make himself smaller. Honestly, he's just trying to make himself get used to only having himself to trust for comfort again.

He's so quickly gotten used to being able to turn to others.]

I should go someplace...someplace as far away from everyone as I can. That way I won't hurt anyone.

[Even considering the idea feels like he is tearing his heart out, but it is the right thing to do. To do anything else would be unacceptably selfish.]

W-when do you want to sever our contract?

[Saying that makes him feel sick, but it too is the unselfish thing to do.]

[fionnuisce]

Stop it.

[Waver stood rigidly, hands in shaking fists at his sides. He was frustrated and angry--he couldn't stand seeing the one person he admired and respected acting like such an idiot. If he didn't think it would make matters worse, he would almost have wanted to punch common sense into Diarmuid's head.]

You really think that'll make things better? Giving up and running away?! Goddammit, will you stop acting so suicidally selfless for five minutes and think?! We don't even know if there is any of that corruption--Kariya could be talking complete shit for all I know!

And what if there is some trace of it? You think isolating yourself from everyone that wants to help will make it any better?! You can't honestly believe that being alone is any kind of improvement!

[Waver abruptly stopped himself, scowling before taking a deep breath to calm down. Anger wasn't going to solve anything here, and though his fists were still trembling with frustration the lecturer's next words were notably calmer.]

Don't just assume the selfless thing to do is always the right one. I absolutely will not let you leave my side, not like this. If you don't want to hurt me, then don't leave. You do that and you may as well kill me on the spot.

I am the one who would make an enemy of the corrupted Holy Grail itself. If you think I fear a little hypothetical shadow, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, then you have a lot to learn about your Master. I'll break it down and destroy it utterly, no matter what price I have to pay in return.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid is quiet for a long moment before turning and crossing back to Waver in the blink of an eye. He throws his arms around the other man, clinging to him desperately.]

Do you think I actually want to leave you?

[His voice is small and shaking.]

I am afraid. I am more afraid than I ever have been. Forgive me. I don't mean to get so upset, but it makes so much sense. It would explain why I am so angry and full of hate at times. What else could it be but that? Surely, that is why I have changed so much...

Will I soon be like her? Will you promise me you will stop me if I ever become like that? Promise me. Please...

[fionnuisce]

I won't tell you not to be afraid. But as long as I'm around, this is one thing I promise you won't have to fear. People change--there's no reason to immediately latch on to the worst-case scenario as an explanation.

[Trying his best to comfort him, Waver threaded one hand lightly through Diarmuid's hair as his other arm found its way around the knight's shoulders.]

Trust me. That's not going to happen...but I swear to you that if I'm wrong, if the impossible happens, I'll put a stop to it myself.

[oathshackledbird]

Thank you. You have no idea how comforting just knowing that is.

[Diarmuid rests his head against Waver's shoulder and sighs.]

I'm sorry. I'm trying to be stronger for you, but it seems like every time I start getting my feet back under me the tower does something to knock them back out. This was suppose to be me helping you...

[He steps back and smiles tiredly. There is still fear in his eyes, but he seems to be calming down now that Waver has made his promise.]

Come on, lets get you some food and rest.

[fionnuisce]

We can help each other, idiot.

[He took Diarmuid's hand with what he hoped was a reassuring smile.] You should be able to rely on me as much as you would expect me to do the same with you. Don't start pushing yourself and carrying everything alone for my sake.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid squeezes Waver's hand and returns the man's smile with one of his own.]

I did not plan to. I just would like to not be so unstable. I want to be able to continue to help others as much as they help me. If I stay like this, I won't be able to do that.

I know this is a change of topic, but was that healing you were practicing? I don't know much about magic, but is it possible you are trying too hard and defeating yourself before you even begin? Sometimes, the best way to do something is to just let it come instead of over-thinking it. I know I have seen this in people who I have trained. They will be caught on something forever because they are trying so hard, but once they let go it suddenly comes to them just as easy as if they had known how to do it forever.

[fionnuisce]

It's always been one of the major weak points in my magecraft--and considering I have a lot of weak points, that's saying something. I've been trying to improve for years, and in some areas I have. Just not in that one. I guess after everything that happened the other day, my practicing got a little out of hand.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid raises an eyebrow at him.]

A little? My friend, you have a talent for understatement. That was obsession I felt coming off you. Frighteningly strong levels of obsession. Just the kind of thing that will make you fail no matter now hard you try.

You need to let what happened go, because hanging onto that right now is making you your own worst enemy. If you expect yourself to fail, you will fail. Over and over again.

There is nothing wrong with practicing, but you need to do it correctly or else you will only make things harder on yourself.

[fionnuisce]

All research requires some degree of obsession, Diarmuid. But you're right in that I shouldn't let it bother me quite so much, perhaps.

[oathshackledbird]

I don't know if I can agree with you on that. There is a difference between being devoted to your research and being obsessed. Obsession is negative. Surely nothing good can come from it...

Or do I just not understand? I know very little about how research works. The best I can compare it to is training people as I have in the past.

[fionnuisce]

It's difficult to explain. I'll try to keep it in moderation, if that makes you feel any better.

[oathshackledbird]

It does. Perhaps it seems strange to you, but it does.

[Diarmuid pauses for a moment to sigh before continuing.]

I suppose the feeling of obsession that strong reminds me a little too much of the blind devotion those under my curse's spell often show only the feeling is directed to something else instead of me. It's not something I ever want to feel coming from you no matter who or what it is directed at.

[fionnuisce]

It's okay, Diarmuid. I promise, I'll be a little more careful.

[oathshackledbird]

Good, in that case my worries are lowered by one.

[He grins at Waver, a mischievous glint suddenly filling his eyes.]

Now, if we don't stop talking and go get you some food, I swear, master or no, I am picking you up and carrying you to my room! And let anyone who sees us think what they will.

[Not that anyone probably would see them with Diarmuid's speed, but he can't help but tease Waver a little.]

[fionnuisce]

Wh--okay, okay, don't do anything drastic!

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid drops an arm around Waver's shoulder's leaning over to whisper in the man's ear.]

Now would I do anything drastic to you?

[fionnuisce]

You bloody well might and we both know it.

[oathshackledbird]

You are absolutely right.

[And with no other warning, Diarmuid's arm tightens around Waver's shoulders, scooping the man into his arms and taking off in a blur of speed toward his room.]

[fionnuisce]

Wh--hey! What are you doing?!

[oathshackledbird]

Carrying you.

[Way to be helpful there, Diarmuid.]

[fionnuisce]

Yes, I see that, but why?!

[oathshackledbird]

Because it's faster this way?