Ryoji Mochizuki / 'Mushi' (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
notsogrimreaper) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
towerofanimus2013-04-23 06:51 pm
notsogrimreaper) wrote in towerofanimus2013-04-23 06:51 pm
we've come back here to rebuild
Characters: Ryoji Mochizuki and you!
Setting: Dorm 4-12 and Floor 96. Various floors for B.
Format: Any, I'll match you!
Summary: Ryoji's a bit broken down after recent events, and it seems that dealing with it alone isn't working, as much as he wishes it was.
Warnings: What you'd expect from a panicky, emotional teenager. Some blood and violence, and maybe some suicidal thoughts.
A: Dorm 4-12
[Once the modifications had been undone, Ryoji had ended up trudging back to his room. For a moment, it almost seemed as if he was still droned, from his blank expression and the slow, deliberate movements. Honestly, though, he had just shut himself down, deciding that feeling numb was better than feeling anything else.
Occasionally, bursts of emotion still flooded over the wall he'd hastily set up. After all, he remembered everything, and that included every person he had injured or murdered. It would have been easier on him if he had ended their lives quickly and painlessly, but for some reason, in that state, he was completely different from how he usually was, believing that suffering should be prolonged rather than cut short.
It was during one of these bouts of depression that he decids to check his trunk. As childish as it was to rely on that silly Jack Frost toy for comfort, it was soothing to hug that toy, to hold something, if only to reassure himself that he did still exist. He died and he still existed, as much as he didn't want to. Everyone else still existed too, right?
When he opens the chest, however, his eyes are drawn not to the cheerful plush Persona, but to something that hadn't been there before. They look like some red bits of stone. Bewildered, Ryoji reaches over to grab a piece, turning it over in his hands... until he spots that outline chiseled onto the rock.
He stares, and Minato's unseeing eye stares back at him, though it is splattered with blood that has dripped onto the toy he was looking for.
Ryoji tries to muffle his sobs in his pillow instead.]
B: Various monster floors
[It seemed like a lot of people relied on fighting the creatures around the Tower to blow off steam. Ryoji did it occasionally too, if only because knowing that he was getting rid of something that could kill the residents helped make him feel that maybe he did have a purpose here. Maybe he could help sometimes.
Still, every time he stabs a monster, it's Diarmuid's face that is twisted in pain instead of a clearly inhuman face. It is Cecil's scream that he hears instead of a demonic screech. It isn't long before Ryoji has to retreat.]
C: Floor 96
[He knows it's a bad idea for him to come here, but he's careful. He doesn't stay too long. All he does is stay until the pain goes away. This time, though, even when the memories start to dissipate, he knows. He knows he should be sad, and guilty, and hopeless, but he just doesn't know why.
He knows he should leave, before he does permanent damage to himself, but he can stay for a few more minutes, right? Just a few more minutes, until he forgets the emotions along with the reasons behind them.]
Setting: Dorm 4-12 and Floor 96. Various floors for B.
Format: Any, I'll match you!
Summary: Ryoji's a bit broken down after recent events, and it seems that dealing with it alone isn't working, as much as he wishes it was.
Warnings: What you'd expect from a panicky, emotional teenager. Some blood and violence, and maybe some suicidal thoughts.
A: Dorm 4-12
[Once the modifications had been undone, Ryoji had ended up trudging back to his room. For a moment, it almost seemed as if he was still droned, from his blank expression and the slow, deliberate movements. Honestly, though, he had just shut himself down, deciding that feeling numb was better than feeling anything else.
Occasionally, bursts of emotion still flooded over the wall he'd hastily set up. After all, he remembered everything, and that included every person he had injured or murdered. It would have been easier on him if he had ended their lives quickly and painlessly, but for some reason, in that state, he was completely different from how he usually was, believing that suffering should be prolonged rather than cut short.
It was during one of these bouts of depression that he decids to check his trunk. As childish as it was to rely on that silly Jack Frost toy for comfort, it was soothing to hug that toy, to hold something, if only to reassure himself that he did still exist. He died and he still existed, as much as he didn't want to. Everyone else still existed too, right?
When he opens the chest, however, his eyes are drawn not to the cheerful plush Persona, but to something that hadn't been there before. They look like some red bits of stone. Bewildered, Ryoji reaches over to grab a piece, turning it over in his hands... until he spots that outline chiseled onto the rock.
He stares, and Minato's unseeing eye stares back at him, though it is splattered with blood that has dripped onto the toy he was looking for.
Ryoji tries to muffle his sobs in his pillow instead.]
B: Various monster floors
[It seemed like a lot of people relied on fighting the creatures around the Tower to blow off steam. Ryoji did it occasionally too, if only because knowing that he was getting rid of something that could kill the residents helped make him feel that maybe he did have a purpose here. Maybe he could help sometimes.
Still, every time he stabs a monster, it's Diarmuid's face that is twisted in pain instead of a clearly inhuman face. It is Cecil's scream that he hears instead of a demonic screech. It isn't long before Ryoji has to retreat.]
C: Floor 96
[He knows it's a bad idea for him to come here, but he's careful. He doesn't stay too long. All he does is stay until the pain goes away. This time, though, even when the memories start to dissipate, he knows. He knows he should be sad, and guilty, and hopeless, but he just doesn't know why.
He knows he should leave, before he does permanent damage to himself, but he can stay for a few more minutes, right? Just a few more minutes, until he forgets the emotions along with the reasons behind them.]
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When Diarmuid mentions this driving them apart, selfishly, Ryoji feels a flood of relief. It sounds so cruel in his head, but he has been trying to get away from him, from that level of commitment. It wasn't that he didn't love and admire Diarmuid, he just couldn't have that for him.
He swallows, finally lifting his head from the pillow and staring at the older man.]
I have to let this happen. I can't accept...
[He has no idea why he's admitting this and so he falls silent.]
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[His voice is calm. Deadly calm, even though he is screaming inside. Diarmuid refuses to let Ryoji give up like this. Not when he had just finally started accepting himself as a good person who deserves to be happy just as much as everyone else.
He will not let Jason take that away from him.]
Ryoji, the things you were forced to do weren't your fault. I don't care how many times I have to say it. I will find a way to make you understand. If it had been me who had been changed instead of you and if I had done those things, you would be saying the same thing to me.
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[He's angry now, voice raised, but only because he can't handle anyone defending him. Why should anyone want to stand up for a monster? Because that's all he is. He has a human form and a human name, but all he's doing is playing make-believe. Diarmuid will be the father and he'll be the kid but it's just a game. In the end, he's still worthy of nothing but hate.]
All I do, all I've ever done, is cause suffering. That's what I was created for. It's just fact. I can't change it, and all this was just a reminder.
[He sighs heavily, covering his eyes with one arm, and gesturing to the trunk with the other before falling backwards onto the bed.]
If you don't believe me, you can look in there.
[He doesn't know if Diarmuid will be able to tell that those shattered stones are what's left of Ryoji's friend, but he doesn't care. He can't bear this any longer. How many times does he need to scare Diarmuid like this before he stops trusting him? If Ryoji's done pretending, everyone else should stop too.]
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Only a human could feel emotion so intensely. It doesn't matter how they were birthed.]
I will not look because it is likely I will not understand what it is you want me to see, and in the end, it will not matter. Nothing you can show me or do will ever change how I see you or feel about you. Everyone deserves a chance to live, Ryoji. Everyone. It is true that person may do what they consider bad things, or they may do what everyone considers bad things. They were still given life for a reason. It is just up to them what they do with it.
[His voice suddenly becomes softer.]
Do you really want to choose to be in pain for the rest of your life? Even if it hurts, wouldn't it be better to stand up again and keep trying? Failure only is failure if you let it be so.
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...Why can't you ever see the truth? Why don't any of you understand? Maybe everyone deserves a chance to live, but not someone who brings the end of life with them. Even if I still deserved it, I did live once. I had my chance and what did I do with it? I almost destroyed my world. I caused hundreds to become ill and die. I made my friends suffer. I... I don't have a reason to live again.
Maybe I should keep trying, but... I really don't think I can.
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So, I should just give up and die as well then? Since I have lived once...twice already? Is that what you are saying? I destroyed the peace of my lord's lands and the peace of many of the lands around his when I killed those who led them. I have killed hundreds of men by my own hands. Destroyed armies and forced the lands they protected to be left unguarded.
Shall we both just sit here and give up then?
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But... you were a hero. You were a good person, and you deserve to live again. You can't give up. You have too many people here that care about you.
I shouldn't keep going, though. I've done nothing but hurt people I care about, and they shouldn't show affection for someone so cruel. I don't want them to endure more pain than they have to. If I was gone, I'd lessen the suffering a little.
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Ryoji, a person who is called a hero by some is always a villain to others. That is how it works. It's unfortunate, but no act doesn't work against someone. My own lord would argue I am no hero and at times I have agreed with him, but it was not he who wrote my tale in the end. It was one who stood at my side and supported me. To him I was a hero.
My point is, even if we don't view ourselves as heroes or our actions as heroic that doesn't mean someone else doesn't do that for us, and that someone would be saddened to see us just give up.
[He reaches out, fingers just resting against Ryoji's wrist for a moment, before pulling back as to not push the boy too far too quickly.]
I think you are a hero because of how hard you try, how much you feel for others, and how much you are willing to sacrifice to protect those you care about. No matter what happens, that is how I will tell your story. You are a hero to me even if you don't feel like it right now.
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[He's getting off topic now, but he can't handle the panic and worry inside him over all the trouble he's gotten into, all the enemies he's made that are trying to track down the people Ryoji cares about. It's just spilling out now, and he can't control the overflow.
The touch makes him flinch slightly, but it was brief. Ryoji didn't feel anything he was worried he would when Diarmuid touched him, but he wonders if that means that it's really okay or not.]
If I want to be a hero, I need to sacrifice certain things... To keep people safe, I have to stay away from them. I... I want the company, but I know it's not about me. I'm sorry, Diarmuid. I just don't want you to be hurt anymore.
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It IS about you as much as you may dislike that because if you don't take care of yourself and listen to your own needs and wants sometimes, you aren't going to be able to take care of anyone else. Believe me, I know this from personal experience.
I don't know who this person you talked to was, but they are only half right. It is true that you can't save everyone here and you have to pick your battles or else you will wear yourself out. That doesn't mean you have to completely cut off or ignore the things that aren't your priorities. It just means you need to know what your priorities are.
Yes, a man can only do so much himself, but that is why keeping our ties is so important. If you can't do it, then maybe I can, and if I can't maybe my brother can. It that way more gets done and fewer are hurt overall.
[He reaches his hand out to the boy, hoping he will take it.]
Hurt and failure are going to happen in this place. Separating yourself from those who can help you recover faster is what they want you to do because it weakens you. Stay with your friends. Stay with me. Do not add the hurt of separation on top of everything else.
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[Yes, the mysterious someone also told him that he needed to be a little less selfless... Ryoji had been struggling with most of what he had heard, but that was probably the hardest part to believe.]
So, I guess to take care of myself, I do need to stay with people. I... Do you really think it's okay? I understand that you'll be able to help me take care of other people, but I might still hurt people, just by being what I am. What if just being near me can hurt someone?
[He looks a little more panicked, and that's why he can't bring himself to take Diarmuid's hand. Not yet.
No matter how badly he wants to...]
Can I really let myself stay with you if lessening my hurt just adds to others?
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Ryoji, it is the very nature of this place to make it so even the simplest of actions become things that we cannot predict or keep from hurting others. It is that way so that we will give up and stop trying because we are afraid of what will happen next. We can't let that happen unless we want this kind of thing to never end. Your friends--we understand. We all suffer the same pain as you do when plans go wrong because of the administrators, but we have to get back up. It is what fighters do. We try again. We share that pain to make each other stronger.
We want you around. So yes, we will share any pain that your presence brings us because in return you share ours. Together we will find a way to end the cycle of pain and hurt this place runs on. But we have to stay together to do it. None of us are strong enough on our own.
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[Did he really admit such a thing? He cuts himself off, eyes wide. He actually said that. He told the truth, said what he wanted rather than what he deserved. He can't help but remember the time he spoke to Diarmuid after that catastrophe with Nyx... and that's what helps him realize that what Diarmuid is saying is not a lie.
He is wanted. He can share in humans' lives, be involved with them, despite what he is. He can do good, even after causing so much harm... and he can take that hand that Diarmuid is offering him.
He grabs that hand, even managing a smile for a second, but his strength doesn't hold out very long, and it's only a few seconds before he practically collapses onto Diarmuid, trying so desperately not to cry.]
Thank you... thank you so much, Fa... D-Diarmuid.
[Ryoji flushes as he realizes what he almost said. It was so stupid of him... Diarmuid was just a very good friend. He had called Ryoji 'son', but... even so, he couldn't pretend to have a real family. That was too much for him to even think about.]
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Even if we are all vastly different from each other there is one thing we share. We all are hurt, frustrated, and angry when we are forced by the administrators to hurt others or to ruin things we have worked so hard to build. Even if those feelings often make us feel like we are alone and that no one else understands, that is not the case. We do understand because we have all been there in some way or the other.
[Diarmuid loosens one arm from Ryoji's shoulders and gently touches the side of the boy's face in an effort to get him to look up.]
If you wish to call me father, you may. I did not call you son on a whim. Everyone deserves to have the chance to feel the joy and support the bonds of family bring. Things may not always go smoothly, but that is okay. Family doesn't disappear because things aren't going smoothly.
[He smiles gently at Ryoji.]
As I have told my brother and my master, for good or ill, you are stuck with me now, son.
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It hurt... It hurt so much, and I thought that it would hurt even more if I saw all of you again. I should have known you'd understand.
[Even then, it's hard to look up at meet Diarmuid's eyes. He keeps glancing away every few seconds, but trust him. He's still listening, judging from that surprised look.]
You'll really let me? I mean... I have a family, in a sense, but it's not one that I want to be part of. And even then, I-I've never had a father... I wouldn't even know what to do, or what to say.
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[Diarmuid removes one arm from around Ryoji so that he can lightly grab the boy's chin to stop him from looking away.]
You don't need to look at me if you don't want to, but don't keep looking away.
[He grins.]
You are making me dizzy. Aren't you making yourself dizzy too?
[His grin softens slightly into something more parental as he speaks.]
You don't have to do anything other than what you want to do in your heart. Even among those who have what could be called normal families how fathers and sons show their love for each other is very different. No relationship is the same.
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[For a moment, Ryoji stiffens, squeezing his eyes shut, but he starts to slowly relax, eventually opening his eyes and even managing to meet Diarmuid's gaze.
The more Diarmuid speaks, the better he feels, until he's finally smiling as well, completely genuine.]
This is what I want to do in my heart, Father.
[He flushes, finding the word so strange and foreign. Hopefully he'll get used to it...
Even if he doesn't, that hopeful feeling he gets is enough to convince him to keep trying.]
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[Diarmuid lets go of Ryoji's chin when the boy continues speaking, his smile widening. He sits back holding his arms out.]
If that is the case, might a father get a hug from his son?
[He can see the joy and hope in Ryoji's eyes and he can't help but hope he can find a way to keep it there for a long time.]
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[Then perhaps for once in his life, he'd do something right. He quickly obliges with Diarmuid's request, wrapping both arms around him and leaning against him.]
Thank you.
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See, it's not so bad, is it? Whenever you need someplace safe to come to, just remember I'm here. I will do everything I can to keep you safe from whatever trouble finds you. Perhaps I will not always succeed, but I will try with everything I am. It is what fathers do.
[And, if he is honest, Diarmuid is pretty sure he loved being a father even more than being a knight sometimes.]
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[Even if he's weak, and he causes a lot more trouble, he has to at least try.]
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[Unconsciously, Diarmuid pulls Ryoji a little closer almost as if to guard against those bad memories.]
I don't want anything like that to happen again so I am trying harder to make sure if I need someone's help, I get it.
[He looks down at the boy in his arms.]
Don't worry. If I need you, I will ask.
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Hearing Diarmuid say that he will ask for help helps distract him more, and he smiles softly as he looks up to him.]
Thank you. It's important to me that I get to help when I can.
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[Diarmuid holds the boy for a moment longer before stepping back. His hands remain on the boy's arms as a comforting link.]
Do you feel a little better now?
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[He appreciates still having a connection to Diarmuid. After everything that happened, he needs to have a reassurance that this is all real, even if he does feel better about himself, even if he's confirmed this is real a few times.
He offers a smile and a brief nod.]
I think I do... Thank you, Father.
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What do you think about wrapping the thread with them going to eat & Diarmuid rambling away?
Works for me!