towerofanimus | Finally, another party

Entry tags:

Finally, another party

Characters: ProtoLancer

puppy_lancer, Zero Lancer

oathshackledbird and anyone interested in attending a birthday party. Details here.
Setting: Meadow
Format: Anything goes
Summary: Lancer throws his brother a party. Everyone can come except for the Archer (meaning they can come crash the party anyways)! Feel free to tag into any of the threads set up or invent your own scenario.
Warnings: None yet!

[It had taken some preparing, but the party was finally set up in a satisfactory way. There was a table for food and drink dragged in from the cafeteria, a wooden bucket filled with water with fruit floating in it, a strange paper mache Jason head pinata stacked on a scarecrow body, and a board with a pig with a Ganon head scribbled on it along with several spiraling paper "tails" attached to thumbtacks. There are no party decorations, but Lancer figures the flowers and sunshine should be decoration enough.]

[Now it's just a matter of waiting for people to show up.]

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It matters to me because you matter to me, Kariya. No matter what I did during the time I was in that dark place, I still care about you. That hasn't changed and will never change.

[Diarmuid looks up at Kariya, a slight begging look in his eyes.]

If you have been there and if you truly understand what it is to be in that place where rage takes over, please remember that is what I was feeling when I did to those things. That horrid place is where I was. The rage wasn't even meant for you. Most of it...was frustration and anger at myself for not being able to do more about what my curse was doing to people. And I was tired by that point...so tired.

[He pauses to let his gaze drop again, head bowing at the same time.]

It is no excuse and I am not using it as one. I just ask that when you think about what happened, remember that and try to understand. I don't know that it will ease the pain, but maybe it will help ease the anger.

Perhaps it is foolish if me to wish for things to go back the way they were. I don't expect you to forget a pain that strong. After all that happened, going back to how things were is probably impossible. However, maybe we can build a new relationship? You are like family to me and I don't want to lose that.

I care about you, too. I-- [He breaks off, not wanting to say too much. What if he humiliates himself?]

When I was angry, I meant the things I said. I still mean them. I'm still angry. I still think those people should die. [Maybe his rage hasn't subsided, although it doesn't surface here in the same ways. But he stops himself again, because maybe he shouldn't be talking about his desire to kill. Why did he say that? He just can't say the right things. He's flustered.] I mean, I don't want to think you feel that way about me, that you hate me on some level, that you scorn me. I know I'm not a perfect person, and I can be difficult to like. But I don't want to deal with someone who feels that way about me, who doesn't respect me. [It means a lot to Kariya, to be respected. It's something he's gotten so little of, in the past.]

I'll try. I will. I'll do what I can. It still hurts. It's not that I want to be angry with you. [No, that isn't what he wants.] I didn't want any of this to happen. I liked the way things were. When we were family.

It might be hard. Like I said, things are different. [He doesn't feel like family anymore. How can he be close to Diarmuid when he feels this way? It'll be like his friendship with Aoi... Only, thinking of Aoi makes him feel guilty for harboring these kinds of feelings for anyone else, even if it's not the same. He was supposed to only love Aoi, to be faithful to her in his way. That was all he had. He looks down.] I'm different.

[When Kariya says he cares for him, Diarmuid finds himself reaching out to lightly touch the man's hand. He keeps the contact brief, not wanting to push his friend, but it is there nonetheless--a small sign of comfort and understanding.]

I understand. Your feelings are confused right now. It is okay to take your time trying to sort them out.

[Though, in the corner of Diarmuid's mind, a worry takes shape. He fears that Kariya's mixed up emotions might be do to more than just whatever Diarmuid had done in his rage.

Could his curse still be controlling Kariya's feelings even now?]

If you said things you meant in your anger, perhaps our anger was not so similar after all.

[Diarmuid's words are a little slow since he is thinking at the same time as he is speaking.]

As I mentioned from what I remember of my first rage, nothing I said there I meant...

[He pauses here several moments before continuing again.]

...or did I on some level I just don't understand? Rage and hatred like that are so new to me. It is very hard for me to understand them. I can't imagine ever scorning you or hating you for being who you are. If that is what I said, then I know what I was saying was wrong. I expect no one to be perfect. Not even myself anymore. It is just not possible to be that way. We all have flaws. We all make mistakes. We just have to make sure we continue forward from them so we can become stronger.

I understand that you feel different now. I feel that way as well. What would you like me to do? Would you like me to give you some more space to think about things? Or would you like something else? How can I help you heal these wounds so that you can best move forward? I will do whatever you ask of me. That has always been my promise to you and it will not change no matter how much we do.

[Kariya starts when Diarmuid touches his hand. He both wants and wants to pull away from his touch. He knows Diarmuid is only being friendly. That's why it feels wrong that his own feelings are so different. He always feels the wrong way. He knows Diarmuid wouldn't be able to see him that way. Who would, the way he is now? Maybe he's feeling sorry for himself, but he can't stop himself.]

I am confused. It's hard to know what to think.

No, maybe it wasn't similar. I think these things--in my head--make me angry. I used to be a different person. I wish you could have known me before.

[There's real regret in his voice, and no small measure of bitterness. He hates the thought of losing himself, but he knows that it was his own decision, to become what he is now.]

I never used to feel that way. I just wanted to live a normal life, but look what's happened. This... Didn't you ever hate anyone, while you were alive? [He's known hate that's almost consumed him, but Diarmuid's life was very different than his own.]

That isn't what you said, not really, though I thought you might feel that way, on some level. You're right. No one's perfect. I know I'm not. But you said that I was weak.

[Not that that was the worst of what Diarmuid had said, but the other part of it hits closer to home, and so he doesn't mention it, yet. He falls silent, thinking.]

I don't know what to do. I wish I did. I miss you. I know, you'll always keep your promise, no matter what.

[In a way, that hurts, too. Because it isn't enough, although it should be. Diarmuid is being kind, and Kariya, for his part, is angry and uncertain and sad.]

You're a good person.

You are right. Once we were both different people, but wishing to be those people again isn't the answer. Hiding in the past....it's just that. Hiding. And nothing was changed by hiding.

[He falls quiet for a moment before looking back up at Kariya.]

During my first life, as unbelievable as it may seem, I never knew true rage or hatred. So no, I never hated anyone not even my lord when he let me die on the hill that day. I didn't feel hate or rage during the war either. I was afraid several times and worried that things were starting to repeat from before, but I didn't feel rage or hatred until he betrayed me and everything I had sacrificed for him. Only then did I learn what those feelings felt like.

It is a strange thing having lived so long and done so much only to suddenly feel a rush of unfamiliar emotion like that. It is so strong. So ugly. It twists things so quickly and so easily. And it is so hard to control. Especially when you don't know how.

Kariya, if I said you were weak, I was wrong. It was the rage in me twisting my words. I would never think that of you. You are one of the strongest people I know.

[Diarmuid suddenly falls silent, seeming to ponder something that has just occurred to him.]

I...am not helping, am I? You are confused and I am confused and...

I don't want to hide. I'm tired of hiding. But it's not so easy to come out into the open. You risk a lot. There's a lot that can go wrong.

[He's always been afraid of that kind of risk. That's why he'd never told Aoi how he'd felt, thinking it was better to stand back and let her be happy, even if that happiness was with someone else.]

You're lucky that you didn't feel that way in your lifetime. I'm sorry you had to feel rage and hate at all. I wish I never did. I never wanted to. It hurts, feeling that way. I know, you can't control yourself. It feels like you're coming apart. That's what things were like in the war, before I came here. With Berserker and me. It's good that we didn't know each other, during the war.

Do you think so? I want to believe that. [He wants to believe that he's strong, and he wants to believe that Diarmuid believes it. He looks at Diarmuid hopefully. He wants to believe all the things he says. It's just that his hurt makes it more difficult. His hurt, and his fear.] I make mistakes. I can be foolish. Maybe I can be weak sometimes. But I won't give up.

No, it's all right. You're helping. Not that I'm not confused, but it's good to talk to you. I'm glad to be with you again. [Even if it makes him sad.]

Especially in a place like this.

[Diarmuid words are very soft--almost as if he doesn't actually mean to speak them out loud--and a few moments later he continues speaking in a more normal voice showing no signs that he realizes he said anything aloud.]

I don't know if I was lucky or not. I know you would wish me not to have to deal with the pain and the lost of control that comes with those emotions, but if I had known them in my first life, maybe I would have known better how to control them now. Maybe I would have been able to keep myself from doing what I did if I had more...practice with them.

[He pauses and takes a deep breath.]

What ifs solve nothing, though. Everyone tells me that...

[Diarmuid looks up and meets Kariya's eyes.]

I know after hearing me say whatever I did this may be hard to believe, but I swear to you on my honor as a knight that I do not think you are weak. Everyone is weak sometimes. And sometimes can become often in a place like this, but what makes a person isn't what they are at any one given time. It is the sum of what they are and you, I know, will never let momentary weakness stop you permanently. You are not the kind to give up while even the slightest hope remains. That is what makes you strong.

I won't lie. Sometimes...I think you are stronger than I am.

I think you must have been lucky. [He would have liked to have a happy childhood.] It's good to have a time that you don't know pain, even if it brings you pain later. I'm glad you were able to be happy.

[That's what he thinks. He wishes he'd known a time like that. He knows what it's like to grow up fearful and alone, to feel angry and unloved.]

You... really believe that?

[He blinks. He's so used to being categorized as weak, infirm, unsuitable, or inadequate, that he is honestly taken aback by Diarmuid's remark. He immediately feels warm all over, embarrassed. Diarmuid is always so kind to him. He shouldn't have suspected him of harboring unkind feelings. He shouldn't have been so angry.]

Thank you, for saying that. I'm sorry for doubting you. I shouldn't have. It's just that I couldn't bear what you said about me. When I felt so-- [It's difficult even to mention it.] When I felt the way I did.

You mean so much to me. [He looks down at his hands, which are shaking slightly. He wishes Diarmuid would touch him like he did before, when he stroked his face in spite of how he looks, but at the same time, he feels foolish for wishing that. Why is he so foolish?]

I do mean it. After all that has happened, I would not say something I do not completely mean. I know you have no reason to believe me after what I said, but that you are giving me this second chance...

[Diarmuid notes Kariya's shaking hands and reaches out to cover them with his own as he has done so often.]

It is so much more than I deserve. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[He closes his eyes for a moment, partially to think but also to hide the worry that is growing there. Several times Kariya has mentioned how he felt back then when Diarmuid knew him to be under the effects of his curse and compared it to how he is feeling now. Even with all that happened and all the time that has passed, the feelings still seems to be the same.

Is it possible that Kariya is still suffering from his curse? And if so, how does he deal with that without hurting Kariya all over again?

After a few moments, he finally opens his eyes and looks up at the other man.]

Don't worry. We will work everything out. I am confident we will find a way.

[He's tried so hard to hang on to his anger, because it's easier to be angry. It protects him from feeling other things. But his anger fades away, and then he doesn't know what he has to defend himself with.]

I believe you. You don't have to thank me.

[Looking down at Diarmuid's hand on his, Kariya feels warm. He squeezes his hands, lightly.

On impulse, he leans forward to rest his forehead against Diarmuid's chest, closing his eyes. He breathes out, a deep breath. He wishes he could stay this way, but he knows he shouldn't be like this to begin with. He feels embarrassed, but embarrassment doesn't seem to stop him. He's half-expecting to be pushed away.]

Do you think so? [Part of him wonders: what if there's nothing to be done?] I wonder... But I'll try. I want things to be better, too.

[Some of the things he wants, he knows are impossible, but he's used to that.]

[Diarmuid moves one of his hands from where they are resting over Kariya's and gently places it against the man's hair letting him know that he is welcome. He is welcome to use Diarmuid's strength and comfort for as long as he wants to.

Beyond that, he is welcome to use it for as long as he needs to. It is not like this is the first time they have held each other and it will not likely be the last.

Though, this might be the first they the tower has allowed them to both be in their right minds when it happened.]

There is no hurry. It might take a while, but we will find a way. Just promise me you will keep talking to me. We can't fix anything if we stop talking about how we feel to each other.

[More importantly, Diarmuid needs to gauge how Kariya's feelings for him change if they do at all. Because if he continues to feel as strongly as he does, then there might be more going on here than just Diarmuid's curse.

And if Kariya has really fallen in love with him, Diarmuid is going to be even more at a lost of how to deal with it than he would have been if it was just his curse at work.]

I promise.

[He sighs as Diarmuid's hand settles on his hair. He's glad not to have been pushed away, and he settles a hand on Diarmuid's chest as he rests against him. He feels happy and miserable, all at once. He probably shouldn't be enjoying this as much as he is.

He's so pathetic sometimes. He knows he is. He wants Diarmuid to care about him, even if he's inconvenient and his feelings are messy and get in the way.]

If you promise that you won't leave me. Even if I'm difficult and cause you trouble. [He feels he has no right to ask for that, but he does anyway. He's selfish, and even if Diarmuid only likes him as a friend, he wants to be near him.]

I don't know how I feel. [Is he cursed or isn't he? Does he really feel this way? It feels real, and that's bad enough.]

[Diarmuid can't help but smile and relax a little when Kariya finally seems to let himself seek the comfort he wants so much. This feeling of drawing strength from each other is one he is much more familiar and comfortable with than the feelings he's been dealing with during this time while they have been at odds.]

I will never leave you. This I swear to you on all that I am.

[His voice is reassuring and confident.]

No matter what you do, I will not abandon you. Even if you tell me to. Even if you use Sir Lancelot to try and force me away.

[Though Diarmuid expects that Lancelot would have harsh words for his master should he command him to do such a foolish thing.]

Please take comfort in that knowledge and take all of the time you need to heal your wounds and sort out your feelings. There is no hurry.

Diarmuid...

[It's strange to think that so recently, he'd been angry. Now he feels sad, but also glad to be here with Diarmuid.

No one had been this kind to him since Aoi, when they were young and she looked after him. He continues to lean against him. Diarmuid smells nice, and he feels warm. He's aware that they're standing in the middle of the meadow, in public (and he must look ridiculous, grown man that he is), but he doesn't care.]

I'm glad. I wouldn't do that. I don't want to be away from you. [Although he does secretly think Lancelot would defeat Diarmuid if he were to order Lancelot to fight him.]

I know there's not much I can do for you, but I won't abandon you either, and if you ever need me, I'll do what I can for you.

[He pauses, gives a heavy sigh.]

I'll try to sort them out, but--I know that you don't...

[He trails off, not wanting to say "you don't feel that way". For him, things like love and romance are probably possibilities left behind in his past. They didn't even come true then.]

[~~Excuse you, Kariya. Who took Lancelot's little jet out of the air when even the King of Heroes couldn't? Oh wait, you haven't gotten to that point yet...~~]

[Diarmuid is glad that despite the fact that they are in the meadow where others can see them, Kariya doesn't pull away. Diarmuid is not ashamed to be seen with the man. In fact, let them see that he cares for him. That way they will know there will be more than one servant to deal with should they try to mess with Kariya. His promise to protect the man hasn't changed any since he first made it months ago.]

You do more than you think you do, Kariya. You should stop underestimating yourself so much.

[He smiles gently, his hand stroking the man's hair again. His smile fades, though, at Kariya's stumbling confession. What does he say? To confirm Kariya's suspicions as true will hurt him, but to lie will hurt him even more. The answer should be obvious, but Diarmuid is terrified of hurting his friend again.]

You are a kind and beautiful man, Kariya. I know you don't believe it, but it's true. I wish...I wish I could love you the way you want me to, but I cannot. The love I feel for you is like what I feel for Cu Chulainn or Waver. It is the love of one brother for another.

[Diarmuid closes his eyes and his voice becomes much softer.]

I know that is not what you want. I'm sorry. You deserve better...

[~~Sorry, Dia, he is stuck on the idea that Berserker is the strongest Servant. He gets these obsessions...~~]

I don't do very much. It's a fact, but I try to do as much as I can. Sometimes, I manage to help someone, so it's all right.

[He does underestimate himself, but he feels he has good reason.

His face burns and his stomach seizes up at Diarmuid's words. He'd expected this refusal, but it still hurts to hear it. He's never told anyone about his feelings, like this, and it's as painful as he'd feared. Maybe it's better to have it out rather than suffering in silence, as he had for so many years, at home, but it doesn't feel better. This is probably what would have happened if he'd told Aoi. (He misses Aoi. He wonders if he'll ever see her again. What would she say about all this? He hadn't meant to be unfaithful to her, in his heart.) He closes his eyes, still resting against Diarmuid's chest.]

You're right, I don't believe it. [It's hard to believe it, considering the way he feels. Beautiful. He isn't beautiful, and he isn't kind. He's selfish. He feels selfish even now, and he should be glad Diarmuid loves him at all, but he's upset and bitter and childish. He tries to keep his voice steady. He doesn't want to get upset.]

I know. I already know you don't. You don't have to tell me. It isn't your fault. I shouldn't feel this way.

[~~Kariya obsessed? What a shock...~~]

Emotions don't often listen to what we want, Kariya. We both know that. Were they so easy to control, we would all be happier.

[His arms tighten slightly around the smaller man, his head bowing to rest against Kariya's hair.]

I just want you to be happy. That is why I feel like I have to say this. I don't ever want you to say you shouldn't feel someway. You have as much right as anyone else to be happy over something or to love as you wish to love. If you don't want me to blame myself for not loving you as you love me, then I need you to not blame yourself for being truthful.

[Diarmuid smiles into Kariya's hair.]

I am very proud of you, you know? Even though you were afraid of my answer, you told me how you felt. I remember how you said you were never able to do that with Aoi and always wished you had. You have grown so much stronger over these last months. I don't know if you can see that from where you stand, but you have.

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Finally, another party

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