Backdated to July 1st and onwards

[swordofzero]

Characters: Suzaku Kururugi and open
Setting: Morgue floor. Right after event ends
Format: I'll match
Summary: Suzaku wakes up post monster event and angst happens
Warnings: mentions of event stuff.

Suzaku didn't need words of blood to tell him he was a monster, but he got them anyways. He lay still for a moment as his fake memories of protecting those in the tower, standing with them against Ruana's latest threat were replaced by the truth, memories of stalking to the tower, attacking, killing, being killed by those around him.

He sat up, wanting to get out of the room, away from people he could hurt. He saw the note and the object... F.L.E.I.J.A, or at least the trigger. Not the one he had used, but the one Nunnally had...

He didn't even read the note just snatched up the decorative button and strode from the room. He had kept his feelings at bay all month, holding them back because one thing or another had been more important. But now they flooded into him at once, the reality of their situation, the uselessness of everything, killing Rolo for being what he had been himself...

Killing, causing others to kill, causing rage and anger. And now as the final insult he held an object that was the symbol of oppression and death. Oppression and death he had taken part in.

Even though it was as fake as anything else the reminder was enough and he moved through the tower until he got to the morgue. He didn't even think of the white room, he didn't deserve to forget. He had spent a month forgetting.

Now he had to face what he had done, what he had become. The morgue was a familiar place of refuge and he found a quiet place far from the staircase.

He stayed there for a long time, not planning to leave until his Geass forced him to find food. His Geass might be as unreal as the rest of him but it still held power over him.

Comments

[oathshackledbird]

"The...growling one? People said it had time powers so I though maybe..." But Ruana said they could take friend's power's too, didn't she? Still, part of him had suspected Rolo after what Suzaku had told him of his powers. If Rolo had not been a monster, than now more than ever Diarmuid is glad he had not had the opportunity to act on his suspicions.

After a moment, he shakes his head. It really doesn't matter which one. No matter which he had been, Suzaku had suffered and suffered greatly. Somehow, Diarmuid needs to find a way to break through the wall of self-hate Suzaku has rebuilt around himself and make him understand that he is just as much a victim as everyone else.

Usually, Diarmuid respects the fact that Suzaku isn't much for touching beyond things like the motion he had just made, but for now he ignores that and closes the rest of the distant them, leaning down to rest his forehead against Suzaku's so he can look the man very closely in the eyes. Hopefully, the shock his actions cause will break though that wall a bit, "This is not your fault. You have every right to hurt, to scream and to cry as the rest of us. More so, in fact. She was wrong to force you to be what you are not. And you are wrong for believing her lies so easily."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku nodded, he had thought the same and that brought on it's own guilt, it's own wave of hatred. He took an instinctive step back as Diarmuid stepped close to him, green eyes blinking in discomfort and confusion.

"I am though." He said quietly, trying to hold back the wave of emotions that threatened to break through the wall he had maintained all month.

"She just made that part of me literal... I killed him. Rolo. Not as a monster either, I thought he had been turned, I tried to save him..."

And probably destroyed the boys trust in him forever, "I promised him I was on his side... and I killed him for no reason..."

Worse he had killed Rolo for being what Suzaku had been.

[oathshackledbird]

"You didn't do anything but try to save a friend from the horrors you thought the tower had inflicted on him!" Diarmuid doesn't follow Suzaku when the man retreats, but he does keep his gaze locked on him, "Do you know how many times I have done the same thing? The tower has forced so many horrors on us. This is just another one of them: Being forced to kill our friends because it is better than letting them live as they are. It is not your fault that she made things so vague that you made a mistake. Indeed, it is just more to blame her for because you know that kind of mistake was her intent from the start!"

Diarmuid pauses, taking a deep breath. Letting himself be this upset is not helping either of them. In fact, he's not sure why his temper just flared like that other than he is tired of his friends being made to think they are horrible people because of the things the administrators make them do, "You did nothing wrong. I suspected him too, Suzaku. If I had run into him before things ended... I probably would have made the same mistake you did. I would not have wanted him to suffer anymore and I would have been wrong. That doesn't make me a monster, though. And it doesn't make you one either just because you actually had to opportunity to act and took it."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku looked down, unable to take Diarmuid's stare any more. He had also killed before, killed to stop people being what the tower had made them. But it felt different this time, because it had been a mistake, and because it had been Rolo.

"I am glad you didn't, he needs someone he can trust." His voice shook slightly, "Will you watch over him for me?"

Because someone had to, there were so many people Suzaku felt responsible for, yet he couldn't protect them, he couldn't even not harm them.

[oathshackledbird]

"Of course I will. Everyone needs to watch over each other in this place," Diarmuid continues to gaze at Suzaku even if the other man will no longer meet his eyes. "But I don't do it for you. I will not do your job. He is my friend and so I watch over him because he is my friend. If you want your duty done, do it yourself. No knight passes off his duty so easily. Even if he has made mistakes. Especially if he has made mistakes.

"You are a knight, aren't you?"

[swordofzero]

"So?" Suzaku finally looked up, his eyes were angry, but the anger was turned inward, as if the wall of self hate had finally collapsed, inside of him, and threatened to drown him. "Knights are just killers."

It's not something he's ever said before, ever admitted. Even after FLEIJA, after the European Universe, he had hated himself, been angry at Britannia but he had always held onto the childish ideal that knights were there to protect others.

A memory of a child screaming at him that he had killed her father came to mind. "They are guard dogs at best, it might be different in your world, but in mine..."

He shook his head, he didn't need Ruana to tell him he was a monster, he had been dubbed as one by his own country long before he had ever woken up here.

"Even..." His hands clenched into fists, "Even when I try to be a protector I fail, Rolo... wasn't the first. Lelouch... Nunnally..." Sora... Luffy... Right back to Milagro, the first person he had killed in this tower...

He reached into his pocket and brought out a pin, a decorative badge of rank and held it out to Diarmuid. "When I first became a knight I thought I could change everything, I thought I could protect people, Euphemia... my princess... she had an idea, to create a place where Britannian's and Japanese could live as equal, to create a zone where there was no discrimination, and no war.

I helped her, and on the day it was to launch..." He's never told anyone this, he has never had to. Everyone on his world knew about the massacre princess.

"Zero... Lelouch... Geassed her, to kill every Japanese person, she killed them all, countless numbers of people, families, children. I couldn't save any of them, I couldn't save her..." He shook his head.

"I should have realised then, that I was not a true knight, not one that I wanted to be anyways."

He turned around, ready to walk off.

Umm... Happy Belated Birthday, Suzaku?

[oathshackledbird]

When Suzaku turns his back on him, Diarmuid's gaze, for a moment, drops to the pin in his hand. It is only a moment, but during that moment Diarmuid realizes exactly what Suzaku is saying in a way that the man's earlier words could not fully explain, and in that moment a very startling change comes over Diarmuid's face. A hardness and sharpness enters his eyes that hasn't been there before. It isn't the rage that he has shown previously--it is far too controlled. No, this is something that had any of the Fianna been here to see, would have had them thanking whatever deity they could think of that the gaze wasn't meant for them.

Diarmuid hasn't ever used his full power against Suzaku before. When they have sparred, he has always held back somewhat to allow the man a fighting chance--a chance to hit and a chance to learn. He does not hold back now. His movements are so fast that Suzaku will not even have the chance to blink between the time he is grabbed by the back of his shirt and the time he is slammed down on one of the tables in the morgue. Diarmuid places one hand against the man's chest to keep him there and with his other hand summons his spear, the blade of the weapon impacting into the table just a hair's breath from Suzaku's head. Diarmuid has no intent to kill, he doesn't even want to hurt the other man. What he wants is only to scare some sense into his head, and he hopes this intent will be enough to keep Suzaku's geass from triggering.

"Do you really think it is so easy? Do you really think you are allowed to just give up and walk away?" Despite his early harsh and angry seeming actions, Diarmuid's voice, while dark, is perfectly controlled, "Knights don't ever stop being knights!" He slams the pin down next to Suzaku's head, below where his spear is embedded in the table, "Once you pick up the mantle there is no setting it down. No matter what happens, there is no setting it down. Being a knight is more than a title. It is more than a job. It is a state of being. If you do not like your state of being, you change it. You do not cast it away and you do not walk away from it!

"You already know what I think of the way things are run on your world. It does not surprise me they have taken what it is to be a knight and twisted it so, but you...you know better. I have seen it in your actions. I have heard it in your voice." His hand sweeps out, knocking the pin off the table and sending it skittering across the floor away from them, "They did not make you a knight. You made yourself one once you came here. You picked your goals. You swore you would find a way to make up for the things they made you do to sully your honor. This new dishonor changes nothing. It is merely another on the list of things that, if you feel you must make up for, then you must make up for!

"I am your friend and I am your fellow knight. I will not let you walk away from your dreams like this!"

best present

[swordofzero]

Suzaku didn't have a moment to think before he was slammed down and the spear was stabbed into the table. He tried to move, just to see if he could and found he couldn't. Which was to be expected. All of this was to be expected, he had wondered how long it would take before Diarmuid lost his patience with him.

He just stared up at him with empty eyes, because he hadn't figured he would be allowed to walk away, or give up. That had been clear from the day he enlisted in the Britannian army.

Knights served for life, and Suzaku's life was guaranteed to be long indeed. He stared at Diarmuid disbelieving, unable to accept what he was saying.

"I have no honour." He said quietly, "And no dreams anymore." His goal had been to change Britannia, but what did that matter when Britannia was destroyed. He had tried to protect those he cared about in this place, but what was the point when he could be forced to kill them.

*Cries*

[oathshackledbird]

"Oh, you don't do you?" The spear disappears, desummoned, from where it had been embedded in the the table so Diarmuid can place one hand on either side of the man's head. Even though he is no longer physically holding Suzaku down, it will be hard for the other man to get up considering how far Diarmuid is leaning over him.

As hard and focused as Diarmuid seems outwardly at the moment, inside fear is starting to stir in his heart. He has never seen Suzaku this broken before. He's never seen anyone this broken before. Before he has always been able to find something to pull them back. To relight even just a small spark of hope in their eyes.

What if he can't do that now? What if the Tower has finally pushed someone he cares about so far that they can't come back?

"If you have no honor and you have no goals, tell me, why do you still worry about Rolo? Why are you in such agony over what happened?" He leans in closer to Suzaku, his gaze pinning the man in place, "If you have no goals why do your mourn so strongly over the fear that you will never be able to make up for what you have done? If you have none of those things, then why do you wish so strongly to have your efforts be worth something? Don't tell you you don't want those things! They are what are causing your pain and your fear right now. Stop letting that fear and pain blind you to the truth and see what is still there!"

[swordofzero]

Suzaku didn't try to get up, doubting that Diarmuid would let him, not wanting to meet his gaze but unable to turn away. He was just exhausted, he didn't want to try anymore, try so hard to make things right when they were so wrong.

Diarmuid's words rang truth, they hurt, and he wished that Diarmuid did not care so much, that he had let him walk away.

"I don't know." He said eventually, "But all I do is hurt them." It was selfish of him to continue trying to protect them, any honour left or not.

[oathshackledbird]

"And don't you think that seeing you like this hurts them as well? Seeing you giving up? Personally, I would take the pain of a friend's mistake over the pain of seeing them give up because even if they mess up and hurt me that effort proves that they care enough to keep trying," Diarmuid's voice is suddenly much softer. He can see how tired Suzaku is and while that isn't a good thing, it is an improvement over the broken emptiness that had been the only thing he could feel from Suzaku before.

"Suzaku, have you rested at all since this ended?"

[swordofzero]

Suzaku flinched at that, he wanted to snap that he didn't care, but it would be a lie. And he did his best to avoid lying, he had done enough of that in his life. But he still wasn't sure that him trying would be better for anyone.

The question took him by surprise, he hadn't, and he hadn't rested in a while before that. He remembered resting, catching pockets of sleep whilst others watched, before taking up his own patrols. But he knew those memories to be fabricated, instead of resting, or watching, he had been stalking the tower looking for prey. He had no idea when he had last slept.

He shrugged.

[oathshackledbird]

Diarmuid's expression finally softens to match his voice and he steps back away from Suzaku, allowing the man to sit up if he wishes to, "Suzaku, you have to rest. I realize stating that is obvious, but then again maybe it's not since you obviously aren't doing it. How do you expect yourself to make good choices or even think if you don't rest? How do you expect yourself not to make more mistakes when you are so tired?"

Diarmuid pauses as memories of his talks with his brother about their nightmares pop into his head, "It's not so easy, I know. Would it help to have someone watch over you while you sleep? To make sure you do nothing and nothing happens to you?"

[swordofzero]

Suzaku looked down, because Diarmuid as always, was right. He couldn't even think straight never mind process what had happened.

He looked at him, "I do not wish to be any trouble on anyone."

[oathshackledbird]

"If I must, I will continue to repeat it. Friends are not burdens. They are never trouble. Or maybe," Diarmuid laughs gently, "they are only trouble when they need help but won't accept it." Diarmuid holds his hand out to Suzaku, "Let me help you. You are my friend. You are my brother-in-arms. While I cannot speak for your world, in mine that means we are family and that I will always fight at your side.

"Or...in this case, I will see you get some much needed rest anyway. I think you need that more than anything else right now. Other things can wait."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku looked down, because even after trying to give up, after making Diarmuid so angry, the man would not give up. Part of him just wanted to walk away, escape from the kindness, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed.

If he was completely honest with himself he was glad about that. He took Diarmuid's hand. "Thank you." It was barely a whisper.

[oathshackledbird]

"You're welcome," Diarmuid is happy, deep down, that Suzaku is brave enough to accept his hand and help. Even though he knows this is only a start to Suzaku feeling better, considering Diarmuid had been worried he wouldn't be able to help the man at all, he will take it.

"Will you be able to sleep in your room? If not, I will offer my own bed," He smiles lightly, remembering back to the time when his curse had gone crazy. "You slept there well enough once before..."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku looked down at the reminder, he had tried to put that incident out of his mind, though he did remember.

"Wherever is most convenient for you, I wouldn't want to disturb your roommates either."

[oathshackledbird]

Diarmuid shakes his head, "You won't. Don't worry. Most of my roommates aren't in the room a lot. Edgeworth might be the only one, but as long as I am there to mention you are a friend, it won't be a problem." Diarmuid takes a few steps toward the door and then motions for Suzaku to follow him. "Lets get you some peace and quiet. Or at least as much as we can..."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku nodded and followed silently, he knew he would not get as much rest outside of his own bed, but he didn't really want to go back there, not until he worked up to scrubbing the blood ink words off his ceiling anyways.

So instead he followed Diarmuid, hoping that Edgeworth wouldn't mind.

This seems a good place to wrap? What do you think?

[oathshackledbird]

Diarmuid is glad that Suzaku does follow him. Half of him had been afraid that the man wouldn't even though he had said he would. The servant is well aware that Suzaku sleeping in a bed other than his own won't be as restful, but any sleep will be better than none at this point and sometimes rest is just not found in one's own room.

There is a reason he spends several nights a week in his master's room instead of his own, after all.

He doesn't speak on any of these thoughts, though, instead remaining silent on their way to his room, hoping that the rest will be Suzaku the clarity he needs.

Sounds good to me

[swordofzero]

Suzaku remained silent as well, his mind working overtime as it tried to take in and process everything. Once they got there he didn't even need prompted to lie down and close his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly despite everything.