Backdated to July 1st and onwards

[swordofzero]

Characters: Suzaku Kururugi and open
Setting: Morgue floor. Right after event ends
Format: I'll match
Summary: Suzaku wakes up post monster event and angst happens
Warnings: mentions of event stuff.

Suzaku didn't need words of blood to tell him he was a monster, but he got them anyways. He lay still for a moment as his fake memories of protecting those in the tower, standing with them against Ruana's latest threat were replaced by the truth, memories of stalking to the tower, attacking, killing, being killed by those around him.

He sat up, wanting to get out of the room, away from people he could hurt. He saw the note and the object... F.L.E.I.J.A, or at least the trigger. Not the one he had used, but the one Nunnally had...

He didn't even read the note just snatched up the decorative button and strode from the room. He had kept his feelings at bay all month, holding them back because one thing or another had been more important. But now they flooded into him at once, the reality of their situation, the uselessness of everything, killing Rolo for being what he had been himself...

Killing, causing others to kill, causing rage and anger. And now as the final insult he held an object that was the symbol of oppression and death. Oppression and death he had taken part in.

Even though it was as fake as anything else the reminder was enough and he moved through the tower until he got to the morgue. He didn't even think of the white room, he didn't deserve to forget. He had spent a month forgetting.

Now he had to face what he had done, what he had become. The morgue was a familiar place of refuge and he found a quiet place far from the staircase.

He stayed there for a long time, not planning to leave until his Geass forced him to find food. His Geass might be as unreal as the rest of him but it still held power over him.

Comments

[oathshackledbird]

Diarmuid almost misses Suzaku's presence on the floor as he passes. Had it not been for the fact that he knew the man and that he is so used to this particular floor being empty because of what it is, Diarmuid might very well have missed him. As it is, he is most of the way to the next floor before he stops to turn back and enter.

Once he spots Suzaku, Diarmuid cautiously approaches him as so not to startle him, concern crossing his face as he realizes how unwell the other man looks.

"Suzaku... What is wrong? Did something happen during the systems failure?" Diarmuid had promised they would talk about their feelings afterward--to let the mask of being a stoic knight down together--but Ruana's game had kept that from happening.

[swordofzero]

Suzaku looked up, Diarmuid was the last person he wanted to see. Not because he disliked the man, but because Diarmuid had a way of breaking through all the defenses that Suzaku put around himself, and at the moment he felt like those defenses were the only thing keeping himself from falling apart.

"No." He said curtly, but actually that was a lie... "I died, but it doesn't matter now."

He looked at Diarmuid and his eyes were as empty as the man would have ever seen them.

[oathshackledbird]

Diarmuid recognizes the lie the moment it leaves Suzaku's lips. Even if he hadn't, he would have known something was wrong. Suzaku hasn't looked this bad for a long time.

Has he ever looked this bad? And does that mean all the progress he has made over the last months has been swept away?

Gently, Diarmuid reaches out to put a hand on the man's shoulder. When he speaks, his voice is soft, "Don't lie to me, Suzaku. Talk to me. You know you don't have to hide things from me. I will not judge you no matter how terrible what happened seems to you."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku winced at the touch but didn't pull away, this was exactly why he hadn't wanted to see Diarmuid, because he was torn. He didn't want to tell him, but he didn't want to lie to him, or refuse to speak.

"I'm a monster." His voice was less than a whisper, "Was..." Still was even if not in the literal sense. "One of Ruana's... one of the first."

He fell silent, because as usual he waited judgement, Diarmuid often told him he wouldn't judge, but Suzaku always wondered what the breaking point would be, before the older knight decided he wasn't worth dealing with anymore.

[oathshackledbird]

"The...growling one? People said it had time powers so I though maybe..." But Ruana said they could take friend's power's too, didn't she? Still, part of him had suspected Rolo after what Suzaku had told him of his powers. If Rolo had not been a monster, than now more than ever Diarmuid is glad he had not had the opportunity to act on his suspicions.

After a moment, he shakes his head. It really doesn't matter which one. No matter which he had been, Suzaku had suffered and suffered greatly. Somehow, Diarmuid needs to find a way to break through the wall of self-hate Suzaku has rebuilt around himself and make him understand that he is just as much a victim as everyone else.

Usually, Diarmuid respects the fact that Suzaku isn't much for touching beyond things like the motion he had just made, but for now he ignores that and closes the rest of the distant them, leaning down to rest his forehead against Suzaku's so he can look the man very closely in the eyes. Hopefully, the shock his actions cause will break though that wall a bit, "This is not your fault. You have every right to hurt, to scream and to cry as the rest of us. More so, in fact. She was wrong to force you to be what you are not. And you are wrong for believing her lies so easily."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku nodded, he had thought the same and that brought on it's own guilt, it's own wave of hatred. He took an instinctive step back as Diarmuid stepped close to him, green eyes blinking in discomfort and confusion.

"I am though." He said quietly, trying to hold back the wave of emotions that threatened to break through the wall he had maintained all month.

"She just made that part of me literal... I killed him. Rolo. Not as a monster either, I thought he had been turned, I tried to save him..."

And probably destroyed the boys trust in him forever, "I promised him I was on his side... and I killed him for no reason..."

Worse he had killed Rolo for being what Suzaku had been.

[oathshackledbird]

"You didn't do anything but try to save a friend from the horrors you thought the tower had inflicted on him!" Diarmuid doesn't follow Suzaku when the man retreats, but he does keep his gaze locked on him, "Do you know how many times I have done the same thing? The tower has forced so many horrors on us. This is just another one of them: Being forced to kill our friends because it is better than letting them live as they are. It is not your fault that she made things so vague that you made a mistake. Indeed, it is just more to blame her for because you know that kind of mistake was her intent from the start!"

Diarmuid pauses, taking a deep breath. Letting himself be this upset is not helping either of them. In fact, he's not sure why his temper just flared like that other than he is tired of his friends being made to think they are horrible people because of the things the administrators make them do, "You did nothing wrong. I suspected him too, Suzaku. If I had run into him before things ended... I probably would have made the same mistake you did. I would not have wanted him to suffer anymore and I would have been wrong. That doesn't make me a monster, though. And it doesn't make you one either just because you actually had to opportunity to act and took it."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku looked down, unable to take Diarmuid's stare any more. He had also killed before, killed to stop people being what the tower had made them. But it felt different this time, because it had been a mistake, and because it had been Rolo.

"I am glad you didn't, he needs someone he can trust." His voice shook slightly, "Will you watch over him for me?"

Because someone had to, there were so many people Suzaku felt responsible for, yet he couldn't protect them, he couldn't even not harm them.

[oathshackledbird]

"Of course I will. Everyone needs to watch over each other in this place," Diarmuid continues to gaze at Suzaku even if the other man will no longer meet his eyes. "But I don't do it for you. I will not do your job. He is my friend and so I watch over him because he is my friend. If you want your duty done, do it yourself. No knight passes off his duty so easily. Even if he has made mistakes. Especially if he has made mistakes.

"You are a knight, aren't you?"

[looselips]

[It isn't hard to work out what the writing above Suzaku's bed must mean. But, by the time Shinji sees it, his roommate has already left, leaving him unable to do much of anything with that realization.]

[...And, if it were anyone else, that would probably be the end of it. Sucks to be them, but it's not Shinji's problem. Now, though, his thoughts are something more along the lines of, Great, is he off sulking again? He takes off to follow, not analyzing the difference in his reaction too closely.]

[Of course, he checks the white room first, seeing as that's the place where he had found Suzaku the last time he was unhappy. When he isn't there, rather than shrug his shoulders and say oh well, Shinji keeps looking, poking his head into each floor as he passes them. When he finally catches sight of him at the morgue, he's surprised by the location, but he doesn't question it.]

[He isn't sure how to begin here. He can't even berate Suzaku for taking up space on the stairs this time. Automatically, he casts a glance at the cold lockers as he steps farther into the morgue—and closer to Suzaku.]

...Hey.

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku turned at the words and blinked at Shinji, more memories hit him, Shinji cowering behind a grave stone, Suzaku trying to bite him, attacking the man who had been with him. Blood, worms and rage. Suzaku turned away again, feeling sick.] Shinji...

[looselips]

This is a weird place to sulk, but I guess it's better than taking up space on the stairs.

[Off to an excellent start, of course. But despite his words, and despite the way Suzaku has turned from him, Shinji approaches until he reaches Suzaku's side.]

Are you seriously going to stand around and angst over something that isn't even your fault? I mean, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure you didn't ask to be turned into a mindless, slobbering monster.

[swordofzero]

[He looks around at him as he approaches and shrugs] I didn't, but it doesn't make what I did any better.

I attacked you... [And others, but Shinji was someone he had promised himself he would protect, and he had tried to kill him]

[looselips]

[Attacked him...]

[In retrospect, the exact sequence of events is a blur to him, but Shinji can remember his fear easily. The image of Kariya's mangled arm is still starkly clear in his mind. The sight of it cut from his body, the feeling of Kariya thrashing on the ground as Shinji attempted to restrain him—]

[—But, none of that matters, because it doesn't change what Shinji just said.]

Oh, give it a rest already. You didn't do anything. And if you try to apologize to me anyway, I'm going to find Archer and make him hang you off the edge of the Tower by your ankle, got it?

[swordofzero]

I remember it though. [He won't apologise just because he figures Shinji might just carry through with that threat] I hope your friends were alright.

[looselips]

Yeah, so what? Remembering it doesn't change anything about what I said.

[Shinji hesitates, then, his eyes darting downward. In the end, the reply he gives is as blunt as ever.]

...Well, nobody died. Lancelot had to take Kariya's arm off, though.

[swordofzero]

His arm? [Maybe best he had died, that way he would have come back uninjured]

I am sorry to have hurt your friends.

[vermicompost]

Kariya doesn't like the morgue, and he feels reluctant to enter, but he's asked himself: what if the people who leave the Tower should show up there? What if he could find someone he knows? That thought should probably make him more reluctant to go to the morgue, but he goes in anyway. While he's hoping not to find anyone there, especially not Sakura, he has to check, once he's had the idea. He's curious; he can't help it.

As he walks, he holds his amputated left arm with his right hand, an old habit of his, though he had to move his grip up further after losing half his arm.

He moves through the floor quietly, cautiously, then starts when he belatedly realizes there's someone else here with him. "I'm sorry. I didn't see you there."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku blinked at the voice, realising he wasn't alone on the floor. Then took in the man, and the missing arm...

"I'm so sorry."

Shinji would probably threaten him for apologising again, but despite the fact Suzaku knew he hadn't been in control he still felt responsible.

[vermicompost]

"Sorry?" Kariya blinked, himself. He smiled, a little uncertainly. "What are you sorry for?" He had no idea of what Suzaku could have done wrong. "You were here first, and I didn't mean to disturb you."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku shook his head, pushing through with his apology, not wishing to leave it there.

"I meant... Your arm, I was the one..."

[vermicompost]

Kariya stared for a moment, taking this in. He was surprised. It was odd to think that this person had been that monster. He was so completely changed. He hadn't attempted to find out who had attacked him, considering that it was Ruana who was to blame. Kariya glanced at his arm, then looked back to Suzaku.

He smiled. "No, it's all right. It wasn't your fault. You weren't yourself."

He paused, his smile fading. "I'm sorry that was done to you."

[swordofzero]

Suzaku shrugged, "These things happen." He looked at the mans arm again, "I am sorry for hurting you though, and Shinji." Because if Suzaku was Kariya he would be more angry about Shinji being there if anything.

"I hope you understand that I would never hurt him as myself."

I hope this is okay?

[rememberscarlet]

[Somewhere on Suzaku's way down, he just so happens to pass Jellal... and while Jellal isn't exactly someone to meddle, but for all that they had 'agreed' that any potential debt between was void, but he still can't quite help feeling concerned upon seeign the way his shoulders are set, the tension that speaks of nothing good even though he doesn't know the other man all too well.

And so he follows him down to the morgue, entering after just a moment of slight hesitation.]

...Suzaku?

It is!

[swordofzero]

[Suzaku turned at his name and blinked at Jellal. He hadn't seen him for a while, and Suzaku was glad that he hadn't encountered him as a monster.

He looked at him with empty eyes] Yes?