towerofanimus | Attachments

Entry tags:

Attachments

Characters: Suzaku Kururugi and any and all
Setting: 10th August, Rolo's room (outside of it), gymnasium at night, following onto midnight of the 11th and the first shadows appearing
Format: Either
Summary: Suzaku tries not to remember the 10th August, and then the start of the event happens. Edit: Now with a 12th August prompt for his 'gift'
Warnings: Event stuff

[Dorm levels, outside room 4-02] He came here every day, just for a few moments, to read the name on the plaque. Rolo Lamperouge, he was still here, hadn't been lost to the dead world.

Suzaku hadn't seen him since he killed him, he knew Rolo would be found when he wanted to be and so was being as patient as he could be. He may have failed him but he would not stop caring, stop trying.

He nodded to himself and turned to leave, stopping on the way to check the network. He rarely replied but read sometimes, to check what was happening, what he might need to know.

His eyes flicked to the date in the corner and he blinked, counting the years in his head. Ten.

[Floor Seventy Four] This floor was dark enough that there were always monsters, and that was what Suzaku needed.

He had fought too many instincts, he wanted to go to the white room and forget everything for a while, but he knew Diarmuid would be furious if he found out. He wanted even more to just stop, the urge to give up rising again though he had fought it all month.

Diarmuid would be angry at that as well, and he would know, Suzaku was sure. At least the knight wouldn't disprove of fighting monsters, though he might if he knew why.

Suzaku threw himself at more and more dangerous monsters, putting himself in danger, letting the Geass save him. Very quickly the day became a patchwork of unconnected memories, with gaps.

[Throughout the tower, the eleventh] As night fell on the tower, in the early hours of the next morning Suzaku noticed a different kind of monster. Shadows, shadows with grins.

They couldn't be killed, and they followed him, as he tried to climb the stairs. They didn't try and hurt him, just followed him, grinning, seeming familiar in a way Suzaku couldn't quite put a finger on.

[12th August, mailroom and floor 73 (snowy castle floor)] The shadows were still following him, there seemed to be a couple more today and Suzaku ignored them as he had the day before.

He went to his mailbox, it was rare he ever recieved letters but sometimes Diarmuid had sent him a note, and he held to the hope that Rolo might, if the boy didn't want to speak to him directly.

There was something there today though and Suzaku picked it up, almost dropping it when he saw the name.

Genbu Kururugi and the dates. He didn't though, just left the mailroom and walked down a few floors until he got to the strange snow filled floor. He had never read this, his fathers obituary. He had been running, with Lelouch and Nunnally, blocked his fathers memory out of his mind.

During his years in the army he had tried to forget, tried to make everyone forget he was the son of the former prime minister of Japan.

It was in Japanese, obviously, and Suzaku realised with a start that whatever translated things in this tower translated them into Britannian for him.

Not something he wanted to dwell on top of this. He took a deep breath and began to read.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Suzaku nodded] It is almost the anniversary of his death. [He blinked at Diarmuid] I hope he burned that.

I'm sorry. I suppose that is why they picked this of all things to send to you. The anniversary just makes it worse.

[Diarmuid hands the obituary back to Suzaku.]

Yes, he burned it and he helped me make the decision to burn my own...gift. There is no reason to keep something that does nothing but make a bad memory worse.

[Suzaku took it, looking at it again] Perhaps I should... [He shook his head] It was ten years ago.

It's probably not even real.

[Diarmuid nods in agreement.]

There is no way to know how real it is and wasting time pondering it won't help you. You still hold the memories of your father and what happened in your heart. If you are going to think about the anniversary, think of it using those things, not something like this.

[He motions toward the obituary.]

Burning it might actually help life the weight from you a little. I know it can't help heal the pain from what happened back then, but it does give you a way to strike back at whoever sent it a little. A way to tell them you aren't going to let them control how you feel about what happened then.

I wish I didn't. [His voice was small and he closed his eyes] I'll burn it, even if they already got what they wanted.

[A gentle look crosses Diarmuid's face.]

I know. It's harder for you. Harder than such a thing would be for anyone else because of what happened, but it is still part of what makes you, you. Forgetting it won't change anything. You have to focus on moving forward instead. I told you this once before and it is still true now.

[He motions toward the obituary again.]

Let destroying that be a sign of you moving forward. They might have been able to cause you pain, but as long as you don't let that pain stop you, they don't win.

I won't forget, not again. [He should move forward, but not to lessen pain, pain was something he deserved. For this more than anything. But because it belonged to a world that was no more, he had a job to do here, even if it was hard and probably doomed to failure.] I don't deserve to forget.

[But to do what had to be done, he had to be the knight who stood side by side with Lelouch, demon of the world, focus on the end. The bright eyes child who had stepped into his fathers study ten years ago now, determined to stop a war. He had no place here.]

[If Diarmuid knew Suzaku's thoughts at that moment, he would be the first to say the the other man was wrong. Determination and hope are always welcome. In fact, they are needed if one is to accomplish what they wish to accomplish. However, since the he doesn't the best he can do is focus on the other point he feels his friend has wrong and has actually spoke about.]

You still don't understand. Forgetting isn't something someone do or does not deserve. It's not a good thing nor is it an escape. When I was a child, I saw my best friend murdered and to save my sanity my father made me forget what happened that night. The spell he cast on me was not lifted until shortly before my death. My sanity was saved, but there are some things that your soul will never forget even if your mind does. I grew up knowing I was missing something very important and not knowing what that thing was.

Do you really think you would be better off having lived your life always wondering what it was you couldn't remember?

[Suzaku blinked at that] I'm sorry about that... though if he only did it for your sake, then I can understand. [There are a lot worse reasons to wipe a child's mind, Suzaku thought sadly of Anya]

I did forget, for a long time. Not who my father was or that he had died, just how, and what happened. It was no spell or Geass though, just my own mind.

You're right though, I still knew. It just left many unanswered questions and though remembering was painful it was also a sort of relief.

[Diarmuid smiles a little sadly.]

I think you probably understand now why I am so against using that room. My father did what he did because he loved me more than anything and was willing to do whatever it took to save my sanity and my life. However, I can't help but think that contributed a little to my death as well. As I said, the spell was broken the night before I died. Remembering what I did in addition to realizing the Lord who had given me forgiveness was lying and setting me up to likely be killed really overwhelmed me. I felt like I truly had no control over my life. At that point, did it matter if I lived or died? I quite literally put myself into Fate's hands at that point. Perhaps, if I had not been confused by those returned memories I would have realized there was another way to deal with things than just going and hoping for the best, but...

[Diarmuid runs a hand through his hair, suddenly embarrassed.]

I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear all of that. The point is, forgetting isn't something anyone deserves. It's no escape. It's just a different kind of pain.

[Suzaku could understand that, feeling in control of his own life was rare. But it saddened him that Diarmuid had been through that and that it had contributed to his death.] We always believe we could have taken a different paths, and ask ourselves what if.

I did near to hear it, thank you for telling me. I understand. I am sorry that happened to you.

[Diarmuid smiles. Though he's still embarrassed for rambling like that, he is glad Suzaku seems to understand his point.]

Would you like me to go with you to get rid of that? I wouldn't mind. If it hadn't been for Waver's help, I probably couldn't have destroyed my own 'gift' even though I knew I needed to. I tried to throw it away the moment I saw it and couldn't. Sometimes, we just need that little extra help to do what we have to do.

[After a moment Suzaku nodded, he could claim to be able to do it himself but he knew he wouldn't.] Yes please.

[Diarmuid is actually relieved that Suzaku is willing to accept his help with this. Maybe Suzaku will be able to burn it on his own, but if he can't Diarmuid will be glad to help him just as Waver had helped him.

He moves toward the stairs and waits for Suzaku to follow.]

Shall we?

[Suzaku nodded and stood up, before following.

And so you except his pity, and about this of all things, even if it is the least of your crimes.

The words seemed like they were being spoken into his head, but the voice was unmistakable. Suzaku stopped dead, eyes wide as he looked round] Lelouch?

[Diarmuid pauses and looks back when Suzaku speaks.]

What is it? Did you hear something?

[He gives the shadows with Suzaku a harder look. Previously, he had pretty much dismissed them since they weren't really doing anything, but they are the only other things on the floor with them at the moment. If Suzaku is hearing something, could it be from anything but them?]

Edited 2013-08-19 21:43 (UTC)

[He nodded, looking at the shadows as well] It spoke in Lelouch's voice... [Except Diarmuid had not heard, perhaps it really had just been in his head.]

Lelouch's voice? Are you sure? I didn't hear anyone but you.

[Diarmuid gives Suzaku a confused look. He doesn't doubt that his friend heard the voice, but if he is the only one who is hearing it and the shadows are the cause...

...Diarmuid has a feeling this is going to be one of Jason's more subtle--and because of that more terrifying--experiments.]

What did he say to you?

It was clear...

[He looked back at the shadows] He... I shouldn't let you help me like this...

[His hands shook and he could hear the shadows whispering though none of them spoke clearly again]

[Diarmuid reaches out to cover Suzaku's shaking hands with his own.]

Easy. Take a deep breath.

[He smiles slightly.]

You realize I don't tend to ask permission when I help people, right? I just do it, so you have my help whether you think you should accept it or not.

[He did so, taking a breath and not stepping away, he frowned though] I don't deserve your help, you give it freely without ever questioning whether I'm worth helping.

[The self hating anger that had taken over him last month rose again] I told you before that I had first killed when I was barely ten years old. [He made a gesturing movement with the hand that held the paper]

Of course...you father...

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes a moment, shaking his head.]

It is not right that a child so young would have to make such a choice, but knights always become adults much sooner than what is fair or right. That doesn't make you a bad person or undeserving of help, Suzaku.

Perhaps it means little since it never came to be, but I suspect that if I had not been forced to forget what happened that night, I would have ended up killing the man responsible for my birth as well even if it would have meant my own death for kin-slaying...

Edited 2013-08-23 02:45 (UTC)

[Suzaku blinked at him, both because once again Diarmuid was forgiving the unforgivable, but also because what he had said about his father, admitting that he would have killed if he had not been forced to forget.

Suzaku was silent a long moment before he spoke.] Even though it was painful for you, I am glad you did forget, so did not have to make that choice.

I was childish... though it was an adult action. I believed that in killing him I could stop a war. Instead it only led to the complete subjugation of Japan...

Those close to me were probably glad there was a way to make me forget as well. Anger...keeps us from thinking straight and they would not have wanted to see my life wasted in an attempt to make him pay for something that could not be undone. It would have just added more tragedy to what had already happened.

[Not that tragedy had not found him anyway, but...]

You were a knight too soon, having to make a choice to put the many before yourself before you could really understand what it meant. Was this idea all yours or did another suggest it to you?

[Suzaku nodded, he knew that as well. Anger was never a good path to go down.

He looked down at the question] It was my own, I had heard the adults talking about the war, and could see the damage it was doing, I heard that my father had announced that we would fight, but some seemed to believe it would be better if we surrendered, before we were destroyed.

As I say I was childish, I wanted the fighting to stop, I didn't want anyone to be hurt anymore. I... As I say I blocked it out for a long time, but I didn't confront my father planning to kill him, at least not consciously I just wanted him to surrender and stop the fighting.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject