towerofanimus | Happy Birthday Xion!

I've always been supportive. Always will be. But you're missing the point. It isn't just helping with reports or making sure we had enough food for the information sharing meeting. Its about something more.

[Stairs are barely visible in the dark, taking form only after clouds move out of the way of the moon, the silver lighting illuminating the steps. The water is frigid cold now that the sun has gone down, soaking through loafers and socks as she waded out to climb them. Taking them further away from the party for the needed isolation.]

This way.

[The words are clipped, a bit angrier than she wanted them to be. But she needed those few moments of silence up the stairs to process his words. He had valid points. Elena hadn't been telling him a good number of things that happened to her and for good reason. She didn't want to see him suffer. To take on some feeling of guilt and misery. On the next level she's startled to find that they're surrounded by water, the stairwell the only area protected, providing them water. At least all that water would muffle their voices, but it gave her little room to move around.]

You know what, you're right. I haven't been properly updating you with the tasks I've been working on since our conversation in the lounge. And I haven't been telling you about the awful shit that has happened to me. Or what has happened to the kids and I whenever we've been trapped together during one of the awful experiments.

But you know what? Neither. Have. You. [Each word is punctuated with a finger in his chest. Furious and relentless, with such a power behind it she might nearly break her finger.] How can you expect me to come and tell you anything about what's going on when you won't tell me a damn thing? And...and the thing that gets me most.. The thing that makes it all that much more worse.. You lied to me. Right in my face. It would have been kinder if you had shot me in the lung and let me choke to death on my own blood.

I don't know if you're trying to play the big hero, but it isn't working. From where I stand, you're pulling away and you're making it look like you don't want any of us around. Not the kids. Not me. Whatever happened to that whole sharing everything, instead of keeping it in? To trusting me more than you ever trusted anybody?

If that's changed, I need you to tell me right now.

[For all her bluster, for all her anger, she can't hide the emotion that blazes behind honey-colored orbs. The anger and frustration. And something else. Fear. Fear for his health and safety. Fear for their happiness. Fear that she was right and he had been slowly preparing her for this very moment.]

Tell me what I'm supposed to do when you go off and try to take on the world.

Edited 2013-11-21 22:35 (UTC)

[Reno's tails brush the water, listening to her, distracting him for a moment before he sits down on the staircase to keep them in check. This isn't a floor he frequents often, going down the other side for most of the time, but he knows things lurk around in the ocean here.

Once he does, he stays silent for a long time after she finishes, staring dully into the dark depths of the water.]

You're right, El. I lied. I've stayed away. I've even avoided you sometimes. I thought I was tryin' to protect you, maybe spare you some heartache. I was stupid, okay? Just another stupid decision I've made and it won't be the last. I didn't want you to break down again like ya did in September. I've got, I've got this thing about saving you, and wanting to. It's all about bein' a hero, y'know?

[His ears are down cast, flicking once or twice in frustration of his own. It isn't an angry look, but one with with a sense of worry.

Or is it worry?]

Y'know, that haunts me even now. You just... cracked up, right there in front of me. Ya tell me you want me to rely on you...

[Draping his arms over his knees, his long fingers threaded together, palms rubbing in nervousness.]

Y'don't know how much I need you to be strong, El... and telling you some of the crap that's gone through my head, I'm worried you'll crack again. Diarmuid kinda dropped it that I've been unfair to ya, not telling you about it. Just understand, a lot of it's been my own problems I'm dealin' with. You know I don't like talkin' about personal problems like that... but you're not a child.

[Dropping his gaze, he slouches over and leans on his knees, a defensive, almost submissive posture, if anything. A subconscious request for forgiveness, or because he knew she is stronger? She has always been passionate about the work, and always knew what to do, what was right and what was wrong. Things he never really had but treasured in her.]

You don't need saving, not by me.

When you told me about that... incident, y'made it sound like you were covering something up, or maybe I was picking something up that wasn't there. All this time I thought... you slept with him, and that's been really eating me. I needed to talk about it, and you've been avoiding the damn subject. I wanted to trust you, fuck... I needed to, but there's been that doubt ever since and it's turned everything into a nightmare.

It's only been a few days now since someone finally told me Sephiroth had been seen with a woman's body parts, hugging them and shit. You never told me that part, El. Maybe you didn't know, maybe it was something else, like you forgot. I don't know. Just that, I wish you had... or at least, talked to me about it.

[Pulling his hands apart, he spread his fingers and started picking at the fabric of his slacks. He feels numb, a nice calm that lets him speak freely, but he knew it's only a moment or two away from the storm that she'd unleash. How can he tell her everything, without her going off?]

I've told ya about Turk issues, Elena, guess I said 'total disclosure.' I'm tired of it. Every time I do somethin' and you find out about it, like that Halloween thing, you start yellin' at me for doing something stupid. What the fuck am I supposed to do, El?

I'm tryin' to save you, kids, everything and I got no clue how to do it. I'm not Tseng and I'm not sure as hell not Veld, and I'm tryin' so damn hard to be clever, and smart, and see things that I just can't no matter how hard I try or how many angles I use. I fail at everything, and I've been failing for a long ass time now. Everything I touch turns to shit, and half the time I don't even care. And you yell at me.

You know, talking about ruining everything, Ganondorf and me have a lot more in common than I want to even think about? That's why I'm so afraid of him, and he's got power; real power that he could use to destroy everything.

[He's blabbering now, he could feel it, but there's nothing he could use to stop it. Being numb like this, it's a blessing and a curse.

Looking up at her, he wonders what she could be thinking, why she hasn't slapped him yet or stormed off. Left him here to sit and not bother with him anymore.]

I'm a way better destroyer than I am a hero, El. I'm real good at it. I know what happens in the future, us tryin' to fight those clone things, getting our asses handed to us. And it's my fault. I got you and Tseng captured, Rufus kidnapped, Rude almost killed... but Sector Seven, I got that down just right. I killed so many people I can't even imagine. I'm a demon, El, I got blood dripping down my hands and it fills a lake. I'm ruining our chances, our lives, even us. Nothing... nothing's gone right since the wedding. Hell, nothing went right before, because of what I've done.

[Oh, Shiva, he wants to reach out for her, to hold her and keep her from everything, even himself, but he's afraid. Afraid of her, afraid of himself, and afraid of ruining it all irreversibly. There may be no turning back from this, but she wants this, and in the end, he couldn't deny her.]

In Rusty... Ramuh's beard, El. Rusty was so damn broken and I couldn't bring him back. I couldn't help him. put everything back together. I saw everything good he could do, what kinda person he carved out for himself and he... he... went through so much worse than us. I couldn't even save myself.

I'm trying to atone, Elena, and I don't think I can because I've seen what happened when I tried- another me tried for fuck's sakes! But if that means taking on the world alone, it's what I'll do. I'm not going to let other people be causalities for my mistakes anymore.

[The numb feeling was fading, leaving a raw, scarred lump inside his chest, but he doesn't look away from her, even when for the second time in front of her he starts to cry.]

I'm sorry, Elena. I'm sorry for ever kissing you that night. I've dragged ya through hell for no good reason.

...I just want you there when I come back.

Edited 2013-11-23 10:55 (UTC)

[She’s said her peace. Somewhat. Not really. It’s more of the tip of the iceberg of everything that she’s been thinking about, what she’d been feeling over the last several weeks but couldn’t quite put into words. Not without going into a tirade that could end up in a horrible mess of hiccupping words and frustrated tears. She remains silent instead, respectful in the fact he had let her ramble without interruption. But where she had held his gaze when she spoke with him, the fact that he turned away from her and sat on the staircase left her feeling uncomfortable. Insecure. Thankful that she stood behind him where he couldn’t see her and the concern and insecurity that showed itself in the pulling and picking of her sleeves.

Bit by bit, the things he tells her fits into the pieces that she found were missing in the overall picture she had been struggling to create. Some of it makes sense – her initial reaction upon her return. He thought she had lost it, she had really only been laughing at the sheer irony of the situation. He didn’t like talking about his problems and neither did she – they were things too hard and too difficult to bring up with words. Giving a name to the monsters and demons that plagued them both. But then there were things that didn’t make sense. Elena had thought that she’d not given any inclination that anything had happened during Ruana’s Valentines Day incident beyond light-hearted conversation and awkward touches. It was a period she preferred to not think of, even though there were times when they were in the presence of each other that there was that feeling of awkwardness. An underlying feeling that they shared a different sort of connection that would never really be acknowledged verbally, but understood.

Blood chills to ice at the mention of Sephiroth carrying body parts – her body parts – and she wants to be sick. All color wanes and hands come to her mouth, both in shock and to prevent any potential upheaval of her earlier meal. This…this was news to her. That he had mutilated her body and had doted on them while the rest of her corpse was left behind. Her entire body felt cold, trembling just faintly with the new knowledge. And it’s that position that he finds her when he turns to look at her, all pale and shaking with hands at her lips. But neither move, neither can. Pandora’s box had been opened and its contents – their thoughts and feelings and concerns – were to finally be addressed. For good or ill. And there was a lot of ill. A lot of negativity coming from him, more than she had expected or anticipated. So much being held in that Elena isn’t sure how he’s managed to continue without breaking. Unless those tears were the start of that break, in which case she had failed in the self-appointed task of preventing it from happening.

Elena half collapses, half lowers herself to the ground, knees pressed tightly together and legs tucked beneath her. Hands curled into loose fists, pressing firmly into the hard tile, fighting the desperate urge to touch, to comfort. She would, in time, once everything had been aired out and cleaned.]

...What I don’t get is why you thought that it was okay to lie to me. To stay away. If you want to be a hero, you have to be around so you can jump in and perform the rescue. If you’re gone, how will you know when I or the kids need saving?

As for what happened in September, I think there was a bit of a misunderstanding. I wasn’t cracking – I was honestly laughing at our situation. Laughing that how I had barely come out alive from being tortured and tested – experimented on you might even say – for information and here I am, back in this place to undergo the same things again. Only with the added benefit of learning that I’m dead now. And that I get to undergo the same torture here while remembering what happened back home and having nightmares several times a week.

We’re broken people, Reno. We were broken before we came here and continue to break. Tseng and I…we were able to cope with what happened because we relied on each other. There was that unspoken connection that we had – that you and I should have – that allowed us to communicate through looks and touch so we could give the other support. I…[Words hitch, memories flooding forward. Pain and blood and black water and watching Tseng being tortured and watching him watch her undergo the same. She swallows hard before continuing.] There were nights where we took turns consoling each other letting the other have their moment to just cry. Because we have to allow ourselves those moments of weakness to remain strong.

[Like she was having to be at that very moment. Even when she wanted to bury herself under what would be deadly levels of alcohol to make the memories go away. To stop the feeling of ghost fingers and blades from touching and cutting. But this was a far greater priority than herself, would always be. Because she has nothing to return to, no home. Here she has him and their little family. That needed protecting above anything else.]

I yell at you because…I know you want to be the hero, but I’m no damsel. I’m a Turk and I don’t just sit back and wait to be rescued. And, more than that…I’m beyond saving. I told you I would walk with you through Hell if it meant we could keep the kids safe and I meant it. Because they’re the better part of us that needs saving. Because that’s how we can atone for everything we’ve done.

[Tears. Tears were her greatest weakness, never fully giving them the respect they deserved until Northern Crater. It was there she learned the value of a good, healthy cry and the level of trust required to have that sort of breakdown in front of another person. Throughout her entire soliloquy her expression had remained calm, concerned with a hint of understanding, and still firm in her stance. The angry fire was gone, though embers still remained smoldering. Reminder her why she had started this.]

Stop apologizing and stop being an idiot, Reno. You don’t have to do anything alone. If I choose to join you in hell, if I choose to fight beside you and become a casualty, so be it. It’s my choice to support you and be your partner when you take on the world. Because while Rusty, bless his soul, may have struggled and broke down, you have something he does not. You have us; the kids and I. We can be that little extra that pushes you on, gives you that extra power and strength you need.

[Those last sentances, though. Those are their own special attack to her calm, pushing past the protective mask and digging deep. Did he hear how contradictory he sounded? She probably thought not. Not when his emotions were raw and exposed. Not when he was close to breaking her own resolve without even knowing it.]

Please, don’t…don’t sound like you’re regretting it. Regretting everything we’ve done here. You’ve done nothing that I didn’t willingly agree to. Just…stop hiding from me. Stop avoiding me. Tell me everything, no matter how hard it is and I’ll do the same. You don’t have to be strong all the time...

[When he looked up and saw her pale face, his heart dropped into his stomach. Why does she look like that? So vulnerable and scared and ill. As strong as all the emotions are on the surface, new ones emerge; anger, guilt, shame, all of them were present now, creating an unbearable concoction. It comes to a head when she collapsed, causing him to gasp in phsyical pain seeing her on the floor.

Listening to her should have been helpful, cartharic, but it wasn't. Her words only brought desperation to the forefront, and panic. She's strong, supposed to be strong. He had no idea she was really so... fragile, and that realization broke him more than anything the Tower could have done or had done in the past.]

Elena, you're never beyond saving to me...

[Confused, he loses control of everything; his heart, his hands, and starts to sob like a child lost in the woods curling over on himself. His fingers digs into his hair, clutching at the strands and bruising the cursed fox ears in the process, but he didn't care. The pain isn't even a match. This is beyond what he had been trained to deal with. Love isn't something they trained for in the Turks.]

I... I was ju-just tryin' to save you from myself...

[When one demands honesty and truth, its only fitting that the one making that demand do the same. And its the first time she's been truly honest with not just him, but with herself. Since returning to the Tower she'd never gave herself the time to recover. To think on what had happened and the effects it surely had. Because if she did, that fragility that she was so careful to conceal would be exposed for all to see. Would damage her reputation of being a strong, confident Turk.

With everything now out in the open, Elena doesn't bother to try and expect any particular reaction - it was hard to given the type of information that was being laid bare. The horrors and monsters and darkness that lay hidden in their pasts, that bled into the Tower. It should have made it easier to accept that one, simple phrase. But it doesn't. It, instead, penetrates through her calm, through her collected veneer, through protective barriers around her heart, and buries itself deep into her core.

Instinct pushes her forward, almost literally, and she's a warm presence against his back. Arms curl protectively around his shoulders, holding him against her, giving him a moment to recognize that she's touching him before shifting. Knees scrape against the ground as she moves around him, arms never once releasing him from their grip, until she is kneeling beside him. Pulling him towards her, to rest his head against her chest, creating a protective shield around him with her arms circling around him.]

Oh...Minerva bless you, Reno.... May all the Summons bless you...

[She places several soft kisses atop his head, atop hands buried in his hair. There's something that was meant to be a chuckle but failed to be one, instead sounding more of a hitch in her breath. A broken sob that was swallowed. She presses her cheek against the top of his head, using red strands to hide the wetness that stung at her eyes.]

You don't have to do that anymore... I'm here. I'm not going away...

[Leaning into her, he needed that touch and comfort, even more than he needed air right now. The heaving stopped, but the tears didn't. Letting his hair go, his arms wraps around her instead, pulling her closer.

It's... relieving, slowly draining all the ache and fear and pain he carries, being held like this. All of it; the despair, loneliness, everything he had held back since before being brought to the Tower. Still so many things being unsaid but yet expressed.]

El... I'm sorry. Must look really stupid right now...

[Rubbing his shoulder against the side of his face, he gives a shuddering sigh.]

Can we try again?

[Touch was good. Being pulled closer was better. It meant he was accepting her, her feelings, her protection. That he was finally letting go of everything and relying on her as he should have since the very beginning.

She shifts slightly in his hold, arms adjusting to best keep him against her, lifting a hand to run lightly through his hair. He could soak her shirt through and she wouldn't have cared less. In fact, she might be offended if she didn't have a giant wet spot.]

Don't be. I've been wanting you to do this for ages. You've needed to...

[Because she gets it. Shouldering the burden and the suffering, not wanting to share it with others. But eventually you had to or you might just go crazy.]

...Try again? [Leaning back, Elena blinked down at him, exposing singular tracks of water against her cheeks. Only evidence that she'd even been crying herself. Crying for him. For her. For them.] What do you mean?

Clean slate... start again, y'know...

[He's mumbling, now feeling ridiculous on top of foolish and wondering how he even appears to her now.
The fingers that curl into her clothing never relaxed when she pulled away, though one of his ears flicked in reaction to being uncovered again.]

Try this marriage thing over. Both of us stop bein' jackasses over it. I mean... I still don't get it, but I'm pretty sure this isn't the way a marriage is supposed to be.

...Yeah?

[There's a hint of surprise to her voice, but on the whole there's something more positive. Relief. Calmed excitement. Hope. That things would finally start to make sense between them. That there would be no more lies or deceit. That they would finally learn to trust and rely on each other.]

No, I suppose it isn't. So, yes. Clean slate. Starting now.

[And hands are moving, sliding over shoulders and up his neck until they find his face. Cheeks are slick with tears and she gives it no mind, lightly urging his face upward to kiss his forehead and cheeks. To kiss at the corner of each eye where salty tears has poured from. And then to finally place a soft kiss on his lips.]

[A soft, almost not there laugh follows, the kisses were ticklish... It's too early to say he feels happy, but calmer is a start and he let her handle him as she wished, leaning forward to meet her for the kiss.]

El... you're all I got left of h-... of the old life. I always forget.

[Home. He had almost said home, but home is here now, isn't it? They had said that a year ago, when he proposed, when they were both still seeking comfort in each other.]

...We'd better head home before something finds us.

[It was a start, that sound. Its almost laughter, but not quite. Would maybe take some time until it was true and pure. She could wait. Until then, this would do.]

Of home? You and I both, sweetheart. You're all I've got here. You and the kids... I can't do this without you. Don't forget that.

[She gives a little nod, giving another quick kiss, a promise of more later.]

...Yeah, we probably should. Plus we can't leave the birthday girl for too long. You go ahead first. I'll be right behind you.

Not yet... I don't want 'em to see.

[Drawing up his sleeve over his hand, he reaches up to touch her face, wiping away the tears that left trails, but the motion turns all too quickly to a caress against her cheek.]

El, I...

[If he was looking for her to protest or to push him down the stairs, he would be disappointed. Because she doesn't do either. In fact, she hasn't even really released her hold on his cheeks, brushing away the remains of tears.

Its that touch again. The softness of the caress from hands that she knew held such power behind them. Eyes drift partially shut, pressing her cheek into his palm.]

...Mmmm?

[Shifting the caress to his other hand, cleaning off her cheek, he blinks his eyes in thought.

Asking this is embarrassing, but the idea had been on his mind for a long time now... if it was a clean go of it, if they survived what the future has in store for them, now is as good a time as any?]

You ever think about havin' a family? I mean... [he almost wants to say 'real', but that isn't right, not when the family they do have is real as any other] back home when things were going all right, did you ever see havin' kids someday?

[It's his last secret, one he had never ever shared with anyone before. If it's going to be a clean slate, he would give her everything.]

[Fingers against her cheek were calming, soothing. A salve on the open wounds that were exposed during their conversation. She could just sit there and let him touch her, possibly even be lulled to a sense of sleep. Had he not asked a question that jolted her awake.

Eyes blink once. Twice. Opening more with each blink.]

....You mean kids? Like...biological ones? [To be honest, its a concept she'd not given much thought on. Didn't have time to. She was busy trying to stay alive.] I...don't really know. Things were so crazy at that time, I was more focused on making sure I lived to see the next day. I didn't have much time to think about having a future family.

[Deflated at her answer, but none the less expecting something like it, he drops the subject and finishes his work on her face.]

Let's go, sweetheart.

...Reno.

[She can pick up those little nuances. Like his disappointment in her answer, which was answered with an honesty she wasn't quite used to.]

I...honestly didn't give it thought. Not near the end, anyway. It was more about living long enough to get back to you and Rude and Rufus than anything else.

It's all right, El. Things weren't always so bad during my run. [He still has the after effects of crying, wavering breaths and a scratchy voice, but it doesn't deter him from taking a long breath.]

I guess I kinda never stopped hoping for one, even when I wasn't wanting to get close to anybody. But... now you know.

...Stop making a girl jealous. [Because it had been bad. She'd seen her entire life in front of her eyes when she wasn't watching the Chief being tortured in front of her in an attempt to break her. To break him. Whoever gave first. Which neither did. They had paid for their silence.] One of these days...I'll tell you the whole story.

[She gives his hand a little nuzzle, eyes closing for a moment. Hands still rested against his cheeks, thumbs brushing against his skin.]

Hope is a good thing, Reno. Maybe, if we survive this and we get back to our worlds, the ones that aren't dead...maybe that future will still be available.

I don't want to go back.

[It's spoken too quickly, too much in haste without any filter to stop it.]

I don't care where we go, El. If I can't take ya with me I'm not goin'.

[There's something to her smile. To the way corners curl up in soft curves. A hand lifts up to press against the back of his, keeping it still against her cheek as she turns and pressing a single kiss against the center of his palm.]

We better figure out a way to make sure that happens. 'Cause I'm not letting them take you away again.

[That look almost set him off again, but he blinks and holds himself in check. His hand, though... his fingers start to trace a pattern on her cheek, following the outline of her face, tingling from her kiss.]

I want... I want to go somewhere with you where... where we can be in love without all the pain. Some place this can really work... y'think there's a place like that for us?

[There was something powerful about touch. So much could be said with just the lightest of brushes of fingers, the flat of a palm on the small of the back. His words earn a slight widening of the eyes, a bit of a harder swallow than she'd intended.]

Well...if you think about it this way, we managed this much in a place like this. I'm sure there's a place somewhere that would be much better suited to make things work. But... [And there's a slight pause. He was being rather open, wasn't he? And they were starting fresh, weren't they? Better to be up front and honest, even if it was silly.] do you mean that its painful because its here, in the Tower. Or do you mean...that its painful...between us..?

[He's not backing down from her question. After all her yelling at him, she wanted the truth, and for once he was trying to give her what he promised. Even if that truth would just be another pain...

His hand slows, now cupping her cheek.]

...I can't be the guy you want me to be and say what ya want me to say, El. It's both.

[A flick of his ear betrayed a sense of nervousness.]

Maybe it's me. I've been questioning all this since before the wedding... y'know, when Xion asked everybody about weddings. All I want to do is be with you, but it hurts because we don't got a lot of time left... and you'd rather yell at me.

....Idiot.

[A hand slips past his his ear, fingers slipping into red hair as she pulls his head forward to their foreheads meet. Her head rolls against his in a little shake.]

I don't want you to say anything that isn't the truth, Reno. Even if that truth makes me upset or angry.

[Yelling. Elena yelled a lot, yes. And for a moment it makes sense. Back on her world, she had yelled ~~for him~~ his name. She was yelling ever since, hoping he would hear her. Sometimes he did, though sometimes she questioned that fact.

Fingers lightly stroke at his hair, memorizing the texture and softness.]

I don't like yelling at you. Sometimes....sometimes it feels like I'm having to yell for you, so you see me and you hear what I'm trying to say. I don't want to yell because its...how we last communicated...shouting.

[Her hand slides loosely against the back of his hand, curling around his wrist.]

Just because we don't have a lot of time doesn't mean we shouldn't....at least try. You're not the man I thought I'd ever see myself being with, but now I can't see myself being with anybody else. You've become a part of me that I can't live without. And I want to make every last moment we have here mean something...

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject