towerofanimus | I got so brave

Entry tags:

I got so brave

Characters: Summoner and Handmaid
Setting: Stairs and then… elsewhere?????
Format: Action????
Summary: The Summoner looks at his life and his choices. The Handmaid gets an earful about it
Warnings: Romantic incompetence. Everywhere

[He should really get more in the habit of thinking before he does anything]

[This is, of course, not the first time he’s come up with this truly revolutionary new plan for his life, and indeed it will not be the last. He is nothing if not stubbornly incapable of weighing the pros and cons of a decision before slamming into it face first. Kiss first? This is really not a situation he ever thought he’d find himself in, and he is uh… quite distracted this evening, rolling back and forth between whether he is still 0kay with what all happened with the Highblood or not]

[And well… being distracted, while climbing stairs, with dat rack? Only bad things can come of this. Watch out…]

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[GOD STOP JUDGING HIM. And really you're lucky Handmaid, cause he doesn't even think about why she'd care or not lkjsdf He asked for her advice and figures that is all that is happening here]

[...well. At least until he looks over again and sees her looking all... weirdly defensive. Confused stare... What are you even...]

That uh... thought had occurred to me. Yes. [sobs he doesn't want it to be true though??? FEELINGS??????]

[YUP STILL WEIRDLY DEFENSIVE she doesn't care if you die nope nope nope!]

Why are you asking me?

[Even more confusion!!! Wow stop you don't need to be confusing on him too gosh Handmaid he has enough to deal with already]

[Little sigh...] I guess uh... I thought you would give the best advice, about this. Since you seem like a, straight forward sort of person. And also have a uh... hemopectrum experience similar to, mine. [Lowbloods sticking together through adversity YEEEEEAAAAAAH]

[She blinks at him. Everything about what he's saying is confusing.]

Do I?

[What... What a weird... question to ask, not least because he's not sure which one of those things she's asking about... Assumes the hemospectrum stuff cause that's easier, and involves fewer Emotions]

Uh. I would, think so... Unless, I guess, you are from really far in the past, or the future...? [...wow, hopefully not the future since she said that whole thing about how he's gonna die and accomplish nothing........]

[She meant both, actually. She hesitates, biting her bottom lip for a moment before shrugging.]

I'm from your future.

[................OH. OKAY]

U-uhm... [Looks... like he's been slapped in the face. I mean, it's one thing for the Condesce to say he fails, cause... well she's a bitch so who even cares. But for this lady to say it when she has been generally okay to be around despite the occasional bit of tsun? When he trusted(?) her enough to ask her advice... Well, this is a little... Hm]

[Sort of recovers, enough to get his voice back a little anyway: ]

You're sure...

[She doesn't know why his expression has such an effect on her, or why she immediately regrets her answer. She shifts uncomfortably, debating with herself for a moment before adding:]

Sort of. It's... Complicated.

[...well what the fuck does that even mean. Fuck. LKSJDFLKJ okay so it's not like he really thought he'd get anywhere, but he spent so long convincing himself that that was just his own lack of cONFIDENCE. Having it pulled out from under him is a little... messy. He can't really decide whether he's angry or... depressed, and her vague as fuck answer isn't really helping. There's a sharp snap in his voice that wasn't there before]

There's nothing complicated, about it, Coleta. Either you, are or you aren't. [Frustrated sigh. He's just... kind of... staring at her now, trying to ignore the way his insides are twisting themselves up]

[Oh god oh god oh god.

She feels her own insides twisting with panic, partially because she hates that tone in his voice and partially because she doesn't get why she cares. He's just another rebel leader who got his predictable ending. It doesn't matter.

Except for some reason it does to her.

She shifts in place, scooting away and tucking her legs underneath her.]

I'm... I can... Time-travel.

[Why is she telling him this why is she telling him this??? She regrets the words as soon as they leave her mouth and looks away from him, focusing intensely on a loose thread on the pillow beside her.]

[Oh. hhhhh, the way she retreats like that makes him swallow the anger a little at least. He doesn't want to hurt her. He wants to hurt something. Or maybe he doesn't. Maybe he just wants to go to sleep, pretend like this whole conversation didn't happen...]

[Normally he'd scoff at that answer, call her crazy, maybe leave. Time travel isn't possible. Shouldn't be. But he's seen things in the tower that make him question whether maybe he understands the rules of the world as well as he thought]

[He doesn't know what to say, doesn't even know if she's telling the truth, so he... keeps watching her, even if his eyes have gone sort of dull. Waiting for her to look at him again so he can... look in her eyes. See if she's lying. Wow okay...]

[She stares down at the cushion resolutely for a moment, but she can feel him watching her, and so finally glances over, just for a second. She's not lying, obviously, though suddenly she wishes she were. She wishes she didn't know how horribly his rebellion failed. But she shouldn't. She shouldn't care. And now she's internally panicking.]

[Oh god... Oh man oh god oh... kay... uh. Kind of... grips his knee, sticking his claws into it unconsciously. Probably he will draw blood fairly shortly here]

So. You knew... When you said, I would-- [die and fail and--] you knew.

[Okay... wow. Alright... He is kind of panicking too, don't even worry!!!]

[She should have never come up here. She should have just ignored him and continued on her way. There's absolutely nothing she can say to his statement, or at least nothing comforting, even if that were the type of person she was. She lets out a shaky breath gives him the barest of nods as she pulls her knees to her chest. She's letting him get to her. Why is she letting him get to her?]

Ah...

[Well then. Right]

[He is just... Well first he notices he cut his knee open and wipes the blood away]

[But then he... shuts down a little bit, setting his head in his hands, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, going... very very still]

[Okay. This is really. Okay. Fine. Expected even. Yes... it's... He feels sick...]

[At least he's not staring at her anymore????]

[And now panic mode officially engages.]

What did you expect?

[It doesn't come out nearly as biting or insulting as she intended. There's a desperate note to the Handmaid's voice that she despises, and that just makes her sound... Scared, really. She's being pathetic and weak and...

Wow. Getting attached. That's totally what this is, isn't it?]

[...catches the tone in her voice. But only sort of. It sounds far enough away that he doesn't really think to wonder why she sounds... scared. Or desperate. Or whatever the hell that emotion is]

[No, mostly what he catches are the words because they are THE EXACT WORDS he currently berating himself with, and the external echo of them does exactly nothing for his state of mind]

[Curls in on himself even further, folding down between his knees and arms covering his head. It's been a long damn time since he's thought about his dead fucking moirail, but right now, she is pretty much the only person in all the worlds that have ever or will ever exist that he wants to talk to right now. And by talk I really mean curl up with in her recuperacoon and not come out for a week. But. Details]

[The way he curls in on himself is what gets to the Handmaid. It's the same way she'd react every time Lord English did something particularly horrible to her, and being the cause of it for the Summoner is not what she wanted. There's still that self-sustaining part of her that keeps insisting that she shouldn't care, that Lord English would have her head for this, but he isn't here. And honestly, at the moment, this seems so much worse.

Not that she knows how to fix it. Actually, there's probably no way to fix it. After a long, awkward moment of silence and stillness, she reaches out to touch his shoulder just barely, berating herself all the while.]

[It's... Alright, he's not so far gone that he thinks she's his moirail come to rescue his sorry, shaky, pathetic self. Wishes don't work like that. Nothing works like that, or at least... nothing in his life anyway. Maybe there's some lucky as fuck blueblood out there who can summon their moirail from the dead, but...]

[But that's stupid. He's such a mess, and he knows it if he's thinking ridiculous fairy tale things like that]

[Still, at her touch, he makes this faint, high sound in his throat. Not exactly a whimper, but something close to it. He wants her to stay, if only so she can offer that point of reality at his shoulder to focus on. But he wants her to leave just as much. He has to be alone with this, accept it somehow. Cause she's right. There isn't any way to fix this. Damage done. Now he has to figure out how to recover, or die trying]

[Oh god, she has no idea what to do. That sound has an effect on her that it definitely shouldn't. The desperate, brainwashed part of her is still insisting that this is going to get her punished severely, but maybe that's reason enough to do it. She braces herself, takes a deep breath, and scoots an inch or so closer, squeezing his shoulder.

Is this right? Is this what she should be doing? Why is she even doing this? It would probably be ten times easier to just run away.]

[Probably... except he's going to make it quite a lot harder to run once she really grabs his shoulder. Because that pings all kinds of things in him, things that say she is the closest thing to comfort he'll find so he has to take advantage of it. She's definitely not his moirail, but she'll do. He can use his imagination or something]

[He moves suddenly if maybe... sluggishly, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling himself over towards her. He doesn't really... try to sit up or anything though, so he ends up lkjsdf hiding his face against his arm and her body, which is awkward as shit but. Leave him alone. He has a good excuse]

[The sudden movement makes her freeze up. She's half expecting an attack, because that's the only reason anyone has ever moved towards her, but before she can move away he... Hugs her?

What.

She has no idea how to react to this. Does staying here frozen work?]

[Yup. Works just fine. Even if she is too warm for him to properly imagine, he makes do. It's nice to just have someone to cling to when the entire platform upon which he has built his life is in the midst of collapse :T]

[Kind of... nuzzles her dress??? And pulls his legs up onto the couch, curling in towards her even more. Slowly turning into a useless ball of emotion and shivering]

[She is having a complete and utter internal freak out right now. She's never been this close to someone or this affectionate with anyone, but at some point instinct kicks in and she slips an arm around him loosely. She wants him to stop freaking out and just be all confident and stupid and frustrating again. What are they even doing?]

[They are participating in the palest of troll rituals okay shut up and enjoy it Handmaid]

[But wow okay he... doesn't feel better exactly when she she puts her arm around him. That whole thing about how he's a failure who can do nothing to help his people is still definitely a giant, hollow space in his chest methodically eating him alive. But he does feel... more real? It's strange. Hard to put into words, so he doesn't bother, instead making another one of those high throat sounds. This one is... more satisfied though. Distressed, yes, but encouraging her to just... you know... stay there. Exist for him. That'll be good enough. That's all he needs]

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