towerofanimus | ❝I can't help but fear I've done this wrong❞

Entry tags:

❝I can't help but fear I've done this wrong❞

Characters Willow (

wwaterboy). CLOSED.
Setting: Initially the floor with the pool, but somewhere else after that.
Format: Action tags, I guess?
Summary: Massively backdated, the fallout of Willow fighting the Grand Highblood and getting a little darker with her magic than she should.
Warnings: Grief and addiction recovery, like normal, and also probably mentions of graphic violence.

[Willow hadn't let herself react to what she was doing while she was doing it. She knows how crises work, has gone through so many of them it doesn't make her head ring anymore, barely makes her freeze at all. But her preferred survival technique of putting off the consequences has a price: it all hits her at once, crashes around her ears and into her head the second she turns to leave the pool room, threat taken care of. Her bag is left carelessly forgotten on the floor behind her in a smear of purple and indigo blood, just a dab of red.

She has to hold it together, she can't lose it yet. She's not in the clear. Her voice is still flat, as it'd been while she was grandstanding and fighting and flinging magic around, but now it's lined with tension.] It's time to leave, [she says, stopping almost to the door with her back to the room. She's stopping to wait for Eridan.] I'm done here.

[She doesn't think she can do this any longer.]

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[It was abrupt, but she needed to get clean, needed some kind of separation between her and what she'd done. Willow doesn't want to see the highblood wrecked by her violence every time she closes her eyes, the smell of blood thick around her.

The fact that it means he has to leave, temporarily... she reaches out to grab him before he can quite get out the door, a bit jerkily. As much as it seems she's composing herself bit by bit, there's a plateau, a point she can't move past.] Don't take too long, [she implores unsurely, like she has to push herself into being demanding.] You're right next door-- I'll come over if I have to. You shouldn't be alone right now, either.

[And she lets go of him.]

[Yeah, yeah, he doesn't want to leave for long. He just has to react, and then he'll be back. He wants to come back, and he just hopes she still wants him back by the time he's done.

In preparation for the panic attack he's about to have, he has already started to close himself off, but as she touches him, he freezes. He shivers, then turns and hugs her as tightly as he can.]

[... Oh no. She'd known this had to be coming, done this so many times before with so many friends. Cleaning up is not happening; he's so much more important.

It's funny, how her own mind clears the second she has someone she cares about to worry over, but it does.] Oh, sweetie, [she whispers, folding him into a hug without hesitation, a hand resting on the back of his neck and threading gently with his hair.] It's okay, it's all okay. I've got you. You did great.

[Shit...shit, he hadn't meant to do that, but now she's calling him 'sweetie', which is the most magical thing, and she's stroking his hair.

He begins to shake, and to bury his face against her neck. There are no tears, but he is clinging to her as his knees go weak and his breathing sounds like a combination of a popping sound and a sob, as his gills suck in air with the force of it.]

I wwould a died...

[That sounds is worrisome at first until she places it, and although it makes her sad to hear it, this whole experience settles something in her. Willow knows, now, that she's not going to regret any of this. Not really.]

But you didn't, [she soothes, holding him steadily.] I won't let anything happen to you, you're safe. You're safe now. Just let it all out.

No, I'vve...I'vve got to go. [He suddenly tries to extricate himself. He can't break down like this, not in front of anyone. This isn't like in the hospital, it's worse than that, and he has never broken down in front of anyone before.] I need... I just need a minute. I gotta, go do somethin'.

[Willow lets him detangle himself, but in the process she takes one of his wrists lightly, the grip easily broken. She doesn't want to let him go-- she's getting more and more worried at his reaction, and when she speaks it's almost pleading.]

It's okay when I have to cry, but not when you do? Eridan... what are you afraid of? It's just me.

I'm not afraid!

[He snaps the words, baring his shark's teeth for a moment in reflex.

But immediately a horrified look comes over him and he twists his hand around, breaking her hold on his wrist and taking her hand in one motion. He closes his eyes and hunches, squeezing. A bit of the panic has faded, at least.]

It's not you, I just... I don't knoww... I'vve got to be strong.

[She jerks in surprise when he snaps at her, but a moment later he's making up for it. Willow takes his hand in both of her own, warm and gentle.]

You are strong, [she insists softly. She keeps her eyes on him, even if he isn't looking.] You think I'm strong because I can-- I can take someone apart like that? That isn't strength. Surviving, being there for me, not giving in... that's what makes you strong.

Needing to let it out sometimes can't change that.

No, no, that's not it.

[Okay, it sort of is, but he draws in a deep breath and just...plunks down on the floor, wrapping his arms around himself and leaning his head against his knees. He just concentrates on breathing for a few seconds]

I'vve nevver been savved by anyone before...

What? [That implies a level of alone that horrifies her. She sinks to her knees beside him but doesn't touch, letting him have his space for now.]

... Remember how there was something I wanted to tell you? [Willow swallows, but yeah, she's doing this. This is right.] You aren't alone anymore. We're going to save each other as many times as it takes for you to get used to it.

If you want me, then... I'm here. Always.

[His breathing is calming. He was close to hyperventilating earlier, but the panic and rush of emotion is starting to subside.]

I alwways protected Fef...an' on shore there wwasn't anyone to savve me... so I had to do it myself, or die.

[He looks up, blinking away a few more purple tears as he listens to her. For a moment, he's not sure what she's saying, but he reaches for her and hugs her tightly]

Are you sayin' you wwant me?

[She hates hearing how much he had to rely on himself. As someone that falls to pieces without other people to support her, Willow takes the idea hard; her chest feels tight with emotion.]

Of course I want you, silly, [she says softly, pulling back to brush his hair to the side and place a light kiss on his forehead. It does feel a bit strange to be doing this with a male alien, but those thoughts are distant and far away, overridden by the moment.] I know I said there was a lot in the way, and I wanted to take it slow, but I just...

After today-- I can't wait for that. [All of her fear and loneliness wells up in her. Willow tries to turn it into an encouraging smile, but only partially succeeds, the well of sorrow in her leaking through.] If... if you still want it, too.

[She doesn't want to assume, is still insecure enough about this not to be sure. The entire idea that she could be dating someone else hasn't stopped being new to her.]

[He wasn't sure if maybe she'd changed her mind. He hadn't been quite secure in her interest in him in the first place, considering she kept pulling away and wanting to take things slowly. And after today, it had occurred to him that perhaps he was too weak to interest someone like her, even if she was sweet enough to still want to be his friend.

His blood pusher seems to swell in his chest and he smiles back at her, his eyes lighting up. He lifts a hand and cups her cheek, holding her like a precious thing.]

I wwant it, a course I wwant it. Wwill, you're amazin', and if you think I'm wworthy a your flushed feelings, evven after seein' me so pathetic an' useless today, wwell, I certainly wwouldn't say no.

[He leans in and kisses her tentatively, cautious of his teeth, and very nervous, but eager to prove himself and his feelings.]

Maybe it's wwrong, but I lovved you from the moment I got to knoww you... I think you knoww that already.

[Although Willow is consciously aware of how powerful she is, and feels that reality ride on her, and even has her moments of arrogance about it-- at heart she hasn't changed much from her pre-magic days. She's never looked down on Xander for his lack of physical strength or magic, never thought of him a bit differently. It doesn't occur to her now that it would even be an issue.

His caution is endearing and appreciated, and nothing gets to her faster than being treated like she's something special. She kisses him back lightly; although it's true that she's sure now, Willow isn't entirely ready to throw herself in uninhibited. She still can't think of the L word without picturing Tara, and that isn't fair, to her or to him.]

Don't say that about yourself, [she says instead, not ready to openly acknowledge his declaration.] You're not pathetic. I know you see me as this-- this powerful, unstoppable witch, and yeah that's sometimes true now, but I spent a long time, years even, being the one that had to get saved. And I still need to get saved, on occasion.

I guess what I'm saying is... you're worthy just as you are. Wrong or not.

[It's comforting that she doesn't look down on him. He suspected she was powerful, from the things she'd done, but he hadn't seen her fight before. For a girl so small and weak-looking to take down a huge troll with centuries of fighting experience was amazing to him. Even as he was fighting the Grand Highblood, he hadn't expected to win with his little knife. His only option had been to try to run.]

Thanks... I guess that makes me feel better. Anywway, I'm used to bein' loww on the pole, so it's not like I'd resent you. Especially wwith you teachin' me magic, an' not holding it against me that I'm not as powwerful as you.

There's nothing to hold against you, as far as I'm concerned, [she counters firmly, scooting in closer to him on the floor.] You're not... afraid of me, after seeing what I can do. [Willow can't keep eye contact as she says that, glancing down.]

I can't tell you how much that means. I'm afraid of me.

[He's silent for a moment] If I thought there wwere a chance a you turnin' that powwer against me, I'd be quakin' in my fins. But you seem to like me a wwhole lot, and to be swweet an' kind in general, so I don't really feel like I'vve got anythin' to wworry about.

[He cups her cheek again and nuzzles her, his fin brushing against her cheek as he pulls away]

[It's all so overwhelming, but it's a familiar kind of overwhelming. Willow knows what it's like to do this, to take a chance on someone, and although her heartbeat sounds loud in her ears she's glad to have done it. It feels safe.]

You don't. [Her voice is edged in urgency, as if she thinks he wouldn't believe her for some reason.] I've been-- well, I've been thinking about this for a while. Us, not... the other thing. I even asked for advice on how trolls do romance, which was marginally embarrassing but totally worth it.

I want to do everything right for you.

Really? [A bit of a deer in headlights look. It never even occurred to him to ask the question to the humans, and now he's realizing that maybe there's more to this than he ever expected] Uh, wwell, I'm sure wwe can wwork out our cultural differences by talkin' an such.

[Willow bites her lip, trying to suppress her insecurities.] I'm not too worried, I just... This is all still new to me.

But we'll figure it out together. [She rises to her feet, offering a hand down to help him up.]

[He takes her hand and gets to his feet, his gills opening and closing as he sighs, but he finds an uncertain smile as he looks at her]

Yeah, wwe wwill, together. [It feels good, and he squeezes her hand] Thanks, Wwill... you wwere really amazin' today.

You'll give me a big head if you keep saying stuff like that. [But she gives him a wry smile, and draws him close to her.]

Just wait, sometime soon this won't be new to me, and then you'll have a confident Willow on your hands.

[He moves close and slips his arms around her, hugging her close]

I'd like to see that. [He takes a breath and draws back a bit, reluctantly] I...should go for real. I mean, long enough to wwash the blood off.

... Yeah. [She spares a moment to take a breath, too, thinking she would probably appreciate a second to herself to recover. Everything was moving so fast; it was getting kind of intense.]

Me, too. I'm a little gross. --And when you come back afterwards, we can... I don't know, sit and try to be normal? [Willow suggests it hesitantly, trying to reassure herself that he is coming back. It's so irrational, and she does want that moment to herself, but she doesn't want to stay alone. Now that her dramatic reveal is over with, earlier events were creeping back in to influence her.]

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