gAmZeE MaKaRa ♑ terminallyCapricious (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hystericull) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
towerofanimus2012-08-31 02:52 am
hystericull) wrote in towerofanimus2012-08-31 02:52 am
Entry tags:
006 ♑ [sixth honk]
Characters: [OU] Gamzee and [OU] Tavros.
Setting: Floor 35.
Format: Action that may or may not be tl;dr in nature.
Summary: Awkward post-makeout, post-meltdown alien teenage boy conversations.
Warnings: Gamzee's mouth. Secondhand embarrassment to the moon and back.
[Gamzee had never been on this floor. Ever. He was slowly beginning to regret this fact, actually. After his fucking embarrassing freakout, the only options he could see for himself were: a. superglue himself to Karkat for the rest of his life, and b. sit somewhere far away from people and just stay the fuck out of everything and everyone's business.]
[Since Karkat was nowhere in sight, one could safely assume this to be Option B.]
[The reason he'd been regretting not visiting this floor sooner was because, well, it was the closest thing to home that he could remember. Sure, the lake was no ocean, but it was water, and there was sand, and it would do. Fuck, it would have to do. Instead of staring out into the endless horizon, he stared down at the seemingly endless floor of the water. He was tucked away, sitting as close to the water as he could without getting himself soaked, peering down into the lake absently - much like the staring he used to do, only bereft of any sort of wonderment or sleepy enthusiasm, instead replaced with infinite listlessness, and a permanent frown etched on his naked face.]
Setting: Floor 35.
Format: Action that may or may not be tl;dr in nature.
Summary: Awkward post-makeout, post-meltdown alien teenage boy conversations.
Warnings: Gamzee's mouth. Secondhand embarrassment to the moon and back.
[Gamzee had never been on this floor. Ever. He was slowly beginning to regret this fact, actually. After his fucking embarrassing freakout, the only options he could see for himself were: a. superglue himself to Karkat for the rest of his life, and b. sit somewhere far away from people and just stay the fuck out of everything and everyone's business.]
[Since Karkat was nowhere in sight, one could safely assume this to be Option B.]
[The reason he'd been regretting not visiting this floor sooner was because, well, it was the closest thing to home that he could remember. Sure, the lake was no ocean, but it was water, and there was sand, and it would do. Fuck, it would have to do. Instead of staring out into the endless horizon, he stared down at the seemingly endless floor of the water. He was tucked away, sitting as close to the water as he could without getting himself soaked, peering down into the lake absently - much like the staring he used to do, only bereft of any sort of wonderment or sleepy enthusiasm, instead replaced with infinite listlessness, and a permanent frown etched on his naked face.]
no subject
Regardless, his body reacted to the embrace in the most casual approach, hands reaching out to hold into Gamzee's back. They stayed there for a bit before he guided his right one to curl his fingers against the back of the highblood's neck, leveling his head with his own, lips close to the other's ear as well. ]
... o-okay.
[ No, what. Is Gamzee being serious about this? Can he really get away with so many things? Tavros was still a little shaken, but he was doing a good job in settling down, but not yet acknowledging their closeness. Not consciously, anyway. His breathing was uneven, his chest rising and falling as he struggled to find enough composure to be able to think again. With their current closeness, he managed to pick up the highblood unique scent, and it triggered some intimate memories. He ignores it, or-- tries to. ]
So ... you, uh, forgive me? Um. Okay.
I should ... forget about it, and ... pretend it never happened or it did, but all is excused, or something ... Yeah?
[ Just making sure here, because ... fuck, he knew they were good friends, but Gamzee is taking this to a whole new level. It's not like Tavros felt differently, he would forgive Gamzee for anything and everything, but ... he is Tavros! So that doesn't count. He apologized to Vriska for killing him! However, Gamzee is different, and after experiencing all that rage, the lowblood expected the absolute worst. ]
... That simple, huh? All forgiven.
[ His body felt heavy, shifting more of his weight against Gamzee's slender form; the hand on his back gripped into his shirt gently. ]
.... Okay. I hear you, my best friend.
[ He closed his eyes, pressing closer; clinging. ]
You promised. You promised that you'll never be mad at me ... that w-was a promise, right?
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[The boy sounds desperate, anxious. Gamzee had no idea what is was that had him all worked up like this, but it was something he needed to make go away. Without asking for specifics, it made the task a little more difficult, but nothing impossible. He tried keeping his actions safe, platonic, friendly. He took a breath in, patting his bony hand against Tavros' back gently.]
Yeah, yeah, you bet it all fuckin' was, bro. No more frettin' on that noise, yeah? Like I just was all to be motherfuckin' saying at you - just up and get your fuckin' relax on, motherfucker. It's cool, it all fuckin' chill with us.
[His voice was calm, and he tried to be as reassuring as possible. The hand that had been patting the boy's back was now making excruciatingly slow treads up and down his spine. Not too far, not too fast, gotta keep this in the friend zone. He couldn't afford to fuck shit up. He just wanted some level ground, here.]
You can be all forgetting, or gettin' your remember on of it, or tellin' me or not tellin' me or whatever the fuck it is you all need to be motherfuckin' doing, my little bro. After that, and more fuckin' importantly, we get fuckin' rid all of this motherfucking weirdness aura we got goin' on here. Though I ain't much too fuckin' sure what's all it got it's originate on from in the first fuckin' place, a bro will gladly be the motherfucker to send it fucking packing.
[He finally pulled back, figuring that was nearing the boundary of too much contact. His hands still remained on Tavros' shoulders, however, and he laughed.]
Smile for me, motherfucker. Oh, how I be all wishin' that you fuckin' would!
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Why did he have to break the hug, though? So unfair.
He stared at him, blinking slowly and lashes low. At least, he was focused enough to understand what Gamzee is asking him to do, and how can he deny his red crush any request? Yeah, a crush. He decided it's time to suck it up, be honest with himself and embrace his pathetic fate of drooling over the troll who could have been his matesprit, but he was so fucking late to notice and missed his chance. But, hey, he was asking him something. He wanted him to smile, didn't he? That's all? He'll smile for all eternity if he had to. ]
Anything for you, brother.
[ He smiled. In fact, he stretched his lips even more, showing off all his sharp teeth and eyes firmly shut, making a somewhat ridiculous face while wiggling the tip of his ears playfully. ]
How about this smile, bro? Heh.
[ He chuckles, a bit tired, but his mood was lightening up for sure. He decided to stop being so difficult and finally freed Gamzee from holding him off, pulling away to settle back on the ground. He reached out to ruffle Gamzee's wild hair briefly. ]
Thanks, man. I'm all chill now. Sorta. I have no idea what started all of this weirdness between us- [ Another white lie. Oh, he's getting good at this! Tavros is not sure whether that was a good thing or bad. Wait, that's definitely ... not something to be proud of. ] -but, I don't think it will last. Bros for life, remember? We're just ... going through some rough time, but we're still holding up.
Um. I guess I need a little more time to, uhh, calm down, but I'll be happy as long as you are well. That's all I need.
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[This train of thought was quickly derailed by Tavros' attempt at a smile. It sent Gamzee's pump biscuit fluttering at about a million miles an hour, grin splitting his own face to match in record time, and despite the sputtering and desperate snorting he was trying to hold back to contain his laughter, the attempt was about as futile as trying to get Tavros to stop being so fucking adorable.]
Hahahahahahahahahahonkhonkhonkhonkhonk!!!
[God, he hadn't laughed in forever. He wanted to just lean the fuck forward and kiss all over the kid's face, but even if he actually had the balls to, he would have to stop pissing himself laughing first. It was actually sort of painful, because Gamzee didn't just chuckle and get it over with - when something struck him, he fucking laughed it out until he couldn't breathe, until purple tears were rolling down his face and he had to fall over on his side because he couldn't hold himself up any more. It hurt his ankle a lot to be flailing around like this, but he couldn't fucking help it! That face was too hilarious to ignore and not immediately dissolve into a laughing, honking mess.]
[Oh, God, he was so in love with him.]
[NO STOP. That wasn't the thought he meant to have! He would just prop himself back up on his elbows, staring up at those shiny, sharp teeth and trying to mimic the expression himself. Gamzee scrunched his wet eyes all up, pulling the corners of his mouth as far as they could go, revealing his own set of crooked, pointy teeth. He was thinking it was good like this - just bros like old times, hanging out and being stupid and not having any of this other shit floating around between them. And then Tavros' hand was in his hair and he was saying all of these nice things - but the most important part was the fact that he was talking about being friends. That was his cue, that was his hint, and he nodded enthusiastically in response.]
Let a brother know what all he can be fuckin' doing to be helping a motherfucker sort his shit out, won't you?
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Tavros was a little flustered, but he didn't panic, only because he can easily blame the intense laughter for all the warmth. So, it's not weird or anything, right?? He did, however, rub on his cheeks to make it go away. Just in case. ]
Heh, well- if you really want to help a brother out, you can start by promising me a couple of things.
Are you ready for this?
[ Whether he was or not, Tavros didn't wait for a response. Instead, he raised his index finger, almost in a lecture-like manner, but still smiling down at his beloved friend. Since Gamzee is in a good mood now, he might as well take advantage of it. Get a few things done. ]
First, you need to promise me that you'd be more responsible about your injury and give yourself enough time to recover. Don't be walking around, going on adventures with a swollen ankle. That's not right.
Second, I need you to ... start eating more. [ His smile softened a little, looking a tad concerned here. ] I hope I'm not crossing any boundaries by saying this, brother. But you're not looking as healthy as you used to. I know the food is awful in the cafeteria, but ... if I managed to find something better, will you promise me that you'd eat more? Uhh, I can promise you it will be something delicious and worthy for your tummy! Only the best for my brother.
[ He paused, muttering 'what else' to himself while rubbing at his chin. He knew had a fucking long list of concerns, but he had to narrow it down so he won't overwhelm Gamzee. ]
I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete ass, but-- you, uh, need to put yourself first? I mean- You tend to worry about everyone before yourself. While I do love that thing about you, it what makes you such a great friend to me and all the other trolls, but I think .... right now ... you need to focus on yourself, alright brother?
no subject
[...Oh.]
[Oh, man, Tavros was nagging him. Oh fuck, oh fuck, what did this mean? Did he...? Was he...? Could he even possibly be...!? No, that was stupid. That was so stupid and Gamzee was stupid for even letting that thought cross his mind, even half-formed as it was. The grin had fallen off of his face somewhere between the talk of the ankle and the food - now his face was twisted up in some sort of surprised, ashamed expression, like a woofbeast being chastised when they know they've done wrong.]
Had someone what's was all up and offering them sorts of services all at my motherfucking way. But, uh...
[The Dolorosa. She'd take him down to the cafeteria, bring him food, watch him eat. He'd begun to look forward to the time they'd spend together. Look forward to meals, even if he didn't want to eat them. Even if they made his stomach flop all around and make funny noises and sometimes he got sick from it, but not all the time, but whatever happened or didn't happen, it was all worth it if he got to spend time with her.]
But she ain't here no fuckin' more.
[He shrugged his shoulders simply. That's how it went. People came into your life, and they left. And there was nothing you could do about it. Just had to cherish the time that you were blessed with together - a lesson that had been solidified over and over again in his head.]
But, uh, like... I'll be all up to gettin' down with doin' the shit that way with you. I mean, ain't like I all be gettin' my motherfuckin' harsh on at the whole foody thing. 'S just... I ain't all much up and remembering on it, mostly?
[His eyebrows drew up apologetically, and he looked at Tavros for some sort of forgiveness. He really did forget, sometimes. Just because he was off of sopor right now didn't mean the holes he'd made in his pan had been magically filled. He forgot a lot of things all the time.]
Cafeteria ain't got nothin' but them motherfuckin' shitnutbars and I'm keen to all be up and motherfucking thinking the next time a brother all get his sights on one of them bitches, he all gonna have one motherfuck of an upturned bilesack to be contending with, he all fuckin' is.
But...
[The confused expression now turned a little hopeful. He was going to try and brush Tavros' concern off as best as he could. Be reassuring, agree to his demands. What did he have to gain by resisting, anyway?]
Gotta make sure you be gettin' your fuckin' sustenances as motherfucking well, bro. Maybe we all could be like, getting our eats on in togetherness or something?
[Gamzee was doing a good job of keeping this upbeat. Up until that last part, that is. He chuckled halfheartedly in response, giving a listless shrug. He wasn't going to succumb to the scowl that was tugging at the corners of his mouth. He was going to keep this smile on, dammit!]
Believe you fuckin' me, bro. This motherfucker ain't been no kinds of friends to no one lately. So, uh... guess you all don't be having to get your worries on that noise! Heheheh.
[HEH. HEH. Sheepish smile??? Stop bringing up weird shit???]
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[ Truth to be told, he's not really that fond of the cafeteria meals and thus- he ends up forcing himself to consume that food every single time. It was gross and he despised it, but he knew better than to starve himself and push his body into exhaustion. Hell, he needed all the energy he can get! And Gamzee needed it, too. Maybe more since he seemed to be a magnet to all kinds of tower abuse. He's not going to say that, though. ]
We can meet up there, or I can come and find you? [ A shrug. ] Whatever works for you, bro.
[ He had a lot of things to add, possibly more unnecessary concerns, but all is forgotten when he noticed the way Gamzee's expression changed despite all efforts to keep that smile as bright as ever. He didn't say anything at first, but Tavros' smile was slowly fading away. He really couldn't keep a happy face, not after Gamzee's little confession.
He just ... sounds so lonely.
It hurts ... for many reasons, mostly because he remembered that he was deliberately avoiding the highblood for the past few weeks, and he wondered if Gamzee thought that he didn't want to be his friend anymore or something like that. Again, he feels like a complete and utter ass. The guilt is as strong as ever. But, he had a feeling Gamzee wasn't talking about him. Maybe he was referring to the other trolls? Or his tower friends? Not sure.
It took him a while, but the smile returned, gentle and somewhat apologetic. He then rolled to his side, settling on his stomach, elbows propped and facing the highblood. It was a humble approach, lowering himself to his level instead of staring down at him like earlier. It didn't feel right, for some reason. Plus, it was a lot easier to look at him from where he's resting now. ]
I'm sure that's not true, bro. You have a lot friends here.
[ If he didn't feel like talking about it, Tavros would never force him into anything he's uncomfortable with, but he was hoping, wishing that he would talk to him a little. Then again, he had to stop himself and wonder if he's crossing any lines here. ]
Uh. I know I'm not your pale bro or anything, but I can still hear you out. If you want? If you don't, that's alright. I just, um, really miss the times when we used to tell each other everything. I know there are things ... you don't want to share with me, but I just want you to know that there is nothing you can say that gonna change the way I, uh- feel about you.
You'll always be the best brother I could ever ask for.
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[Letting those awkward thoughts empty out of his pan, he sighed happily, nodding in earnest.]
Motherfuck yeah, motherfucker! Shit sounds all like to be being the best of fuckin' times what this brother ever did have in the past few motherfuckin' perigrees! Honk!
[Aw, he couldn't help but honk. It was exciting, actually having something to look forward to, instead of dragging himself around every day, trying to stay out of trouble and simultaneously trying to distract himself for all of the scratching in his pan that only fell silent when he sought out his moirail.]
[Don't... don't flutter, pump biscuit. Don't flip around when Tavros slides on to his belly all cute-like. When his smile fades, but then returns sure as the sun and the moons are set to fuckin rise. Everything was bitchtits until they had to talk about this shit again. It set the little back part of his pan burning all up like it did when it was doing a thing he was trying to ignore. It wasn't very much anger as it was... a bundle and flurry of mad sad feelings right in his chest that wasn't a pain like the one in his ankle, all sharp and needly - this was a feeling more dull and achey and heavy, and that feeling was the feeling that started him being all angry.]
[Fuck it all, fuck these stupid thoughts. As soon as he kicked them out and closed the proverbial door on them, they sure as shit found a way right back at his skull.]
[This was a catch-22 if he ever saw one. And if he ever knew what a catch-22 actually was. If he denied Tavros this conversation to better his mental health and not risk the boy seeing him get into one of his more unimpressive of moods, then he'd be sending the message that he couldn't open up to him, or that he didn't want to confide in him. One was more true than the other, but they were both basically wrong! It was the second statement from the boy that solidified this. By not opening his trap about all of this hoofbeastshit, he could continue to be the best brother Tavros could ever ask for. Put a lid on this weirdness clawing up at his insides, put a lid on the redness that was burning in his guts and his blood pusher for him, put a lid on it all and go back to the friend that Tavros loved, back when he... was on...]
[The slime.]
[Well, he finally figured out what he'd be having for his lunches from now on.]
Shit, motherfucker. Ditto's all up at back to you on that wicked motherfuckin' noise, yo! Just been gettin' a little weirdness flowin' up from my fingers and toes and eyeballs as of fuckin' late. Nothin' what's all to be being too fuckin' concerned at, you know?
'Sup all with your fuckin' self, though, bro? What you all been busying your little self with when's we ain't gettin' our mutual looks on of one another, hmm?
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It's not okay at all.
If it was any other troll, he wouldn't give a shit. Whether he had feelings for him or not, Tavros needed Gamzee. He needed, at least, one attentive voice in his pathetic existence. Maybe it's his fault that he allowed himself to depend on him to that level, but now that he started feeling all kinds of pity toward him -and thus developed red feels- it was harder than ever to be okay with how things are going down between them. Yeah, he can pretend that he just wants to be his friend and all that shit, but he's not okay with this whole 'weird distance'. A few laughs later and it's still lingering in the air. Tavros is getting fucking desperate here.
But, he'll have to take Gamzee's advice and just 'roll with it'.
That's what he wants, right? Ignore things and just move on. Pretend everything is fine and sunshine when it's not. Act all happy when they couldn't be more miserable. It's how he handled things, but Tavros was the complete opposite. It's why he is struggling so hard right now, only because he was so used to be a fucking open book and say whatever his heart desires, and all he wanted to do right now is ask Gamzee why is he acting this way.
Yeah. If that's what he truly wants- Tavros can, at least, give it an honest try. ]
... Yeah. I guess. I haven't been talking or seeing anyone lately so I kinda get it? It's, uh, hard to keep up with everyone in this huge tower.
[ Flat out lie. He can easily keep up with the others. He just didn't want to. Not right now anyway. He still needed some time to get over himself, and now that he made sure Gamzee is all breathing, maybe he can get some rest done.
He then perks up a little, showing some teeth, even when the exhaustion was slowly taking over his features. ]
I haven't been doing anything interesting, just, uh, trying to get some sleep, and ... when I'm bored I kinda go out and commune sometimes? I mean- it would be nice if I can cross off 'being eaten alive by a monster' out of my list of concerns in this tower. Heh.
[ He shifts his gaze to the side, idly staring at Gamzee's ankle in the water. ]
Gotta do what we can to keep ourselves distracted, you feel me?
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[Oh God, communing, he was so cute.]
Hahaha, yeah, bro! Always be gettin' my most fuckin' keenest of observes on at when all you get your chit chats on with them furbeasts and shit like what's that all motherfucking is.
[Gamzee laughed at the joke. Because it was funny, and because he liked jokes, and because he was still so obscenely smitten that he'd laugh at just about anything even remotely resembling humor that came out of Tavros' mouth.]
Yeah, yeah, I feel you, brother.
[The way Tavros drifted off was sort of unlike him, Gamzee thought. It was definitely like Gamzee, but not like Tavros. Sure, the kid got off-track sometimes, bouncing from one topic to the other in excitement, but he never drifted off into a melancholy zone like he was doing now. Gamzee knew shit had been fucked on his end, but he was suddenly feeling a stab of uncertainty about just how his best bro was holding up. He'd said he was fine, but... was he? Was Tavros even capable of lying? Wouldn't hurt to ask, right? Needed to make sure there weren't any bullies giving him grief over God-knows-what.]
...Bro? Yo, Alternia-or-whatever-the-motherfuck-we-all-up-in to my little dope ass motherfucker here?
[He crawled forward on his elbows, just a smidge, trying desperately not to move his ankle too much. Reaching a bony hand out, he tugged on the hem of Tavros' jacket, trying to win his attention again.]
Bro. Hey, brother, you all right, dog? Got somethin' you all be needin' to up and lay the fuck down on a motherfucker?
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... I don't know.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to react, think and speak when a friend of mine is going through some rough time. That's why I spent most of my life dismissing problems and ignoring things instead of confronting them.
I guess ... a part of me was so terrified of failing that I figured why bother trying anyway, and I was ... fine with it, you know? I was fine with keeping a distance. I didn't mind being left in the shadows. It meant I had fewer responsibilities, and I thought that would be the best for everyone.
[ He let's out a shaky breath, his tone a bit raw at this point. ]
So I kinda get it. I get why you ... feel like you have to hold back around me. I have never been there for you before, and I haven't been a good friend, but Gamzee ...
Brother, I-
[ He forced himself to sit up again, pulling away from the highblood's touch, back arched forward and hands pressed against his face. It was a lot easier to do this when Gamzee couldn't see that pathetic look on his face, and maybe -for a brief second- he can pretend that he is completely alone right now and he's not embarrassing himself in front of the boy he loved so much. It's just ... it was too much! He felt like he couldn't fucking breathe anymore, and a part of him wanted to excuse himself and leave, but- it was too late.
Plus, he didn't want to walk away from this. He wanted to be strong enough to express himself without fucking up! This whole lying thing is not working out very well, and Tavros is pretty sick of it. He kept hiding behind his digits and only pulling away when he decided that he's calm enough to confront Gamzee again. ]
I c-can't ... pretend everything is okay. I just can't! I can't ... do it and I know ... y-you want me to do it, but I can't ignore my brother when he's in pain. When he's all miserable, and ... I- uh.
[ Awh fuck! Give him a minute to clean up a little. It would've been so much easier to wipe those gross tears off his face if his fucking fingers cooperate and stop shaking so much! In some point, he was so annoyed he just started rubbing his wrist all over his face, possibly spreading the tears everywhere while sniffling grossly. It didn't help that his nose, cheeks and ears were all flushed and screaming brown and ... he didn't care really. It's not like it was the first time he'd cried in front of Gamzee. ]
I d-don't know what to do to help out, but I'm pretty sure ignoring it won't solve anything, a-and I think we need to stop doing this to each other.
I don't want to lose you. I can't afford to lose you, and you know that! You know that ...
I just ... want you to be happy again.
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[When that turned out not to be the case, the curious smirk fell clean off of his face, replaced immediately with a disbelieving expression, lips parting in an unasked question.]
[Gamzee knew Tavros had self-image issues. He knew his bro had a hard time remembering the fact that he was basically the most awesome and important thing to ever exist. Gamzee tried his best to remind him every day of that fact, but clearly he'd been slipping in that department. Tavros thought he didn't matter. Didn't deserve to meddle in things that were causing him grief because he'd thought that no one wanted him there. He felt his chest tighten up, pushing himself upright as well to get a better assessment of the situation.]
[His voice came scrambling out in protest as Tavros insulted himself again and again, but the words got backed up in his throat as he heard the shaky tone running through those words of his. He was at a loss. Was this another dream? Was Tavros really saying these things to him? Was he really stuttering this bad like he did with everyone else? Was Gamzee just like everyone else to him, now? Why was he...]
[Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck no. As soon as Tavros' voice broke and his hands flew to his face, Gamzee was scratching at the sandy ground, grabbing at anything he could get a grip on to pull himself towards the boy. He probably looked fucking pathetic, pushing himself across the shore with his good knee, grabbing fistfuls of sand and rock and wincing as his swollen ankle was dragged out of the water and up on to land.]
[Through a twist of limbs and a few blasts of intense pain, he was tangled in Tavros. Too-long arms snaked around the boy's torso, legs folded up at his side - one laying awkwardly on its own - moving his head lower and lower to try and catch Tavros' gaze.]
Bro, bro... bro! Tavros... brother, hey...
[Gamzee was devastated. This is what fucking happened when he tried to make things better. This is what happened when he tried doing and fixing things on his own. He always, always ended up hurting people with his fucking stupidity. By trying to shield Tavros from all of the bad things in Gamzee, he single-handedly made him believe that he wasn't good enough to hear his best friend's problems.]
Shhh, shhh. Hush now, my little bro. Gonna all up and rip my motherfuckin' pump biscuit right out if I gotta get my glances on at any more dribblin' melty chocolate, you feel me?
[He was still hunched over, looking up at Tavros with pleading eyes. He moved a hand from where it was placed on the boy's shoulder to wipe at the wetness that had coated his cheeks. Gamzee was pretty sure he would rather fall off the side of the Tower before he had to watch Tavros cry for one more second.]
I's only meaning all for you to not get your sadness on, by bein' all happy for you, brother. Thought if a brother got his smile goin' for you all the time, you'd be givin' him one back what's just the same. Didn't wanna ever have you feelin' nothin' but the most happiest of noise all up in your motherfuckin' fluttercage, I all didn't.
[Gamzee straightened up, resting a cool palm against Tavros' burning cheek, pulling him a little closer with the arm that was still wrapped around his shoulders. He sucked a breath in, easing Tavros to look him in the eye.]
You got more worries up in your fuckin' self than I all was to be even knowing, motherfucker. Can't be being any more motherfuckin' sorry on that oversight, bro. You ain't never gonna be losing me, though.
...Silly.
[He laughed a little sadly at that, looking down for a moment before returning his focus.]
We'll talk, brother. We'll shoot that motherfuckin' shit so hard if it only all means that you won't be cryin' for me no more. 'Cause fuckin' tits knows I ain't all worth a damn of that noise.
no subject
You're worth so much more, Gamzee.
[ He smiled a little. If only he knew his true worth to Tavros, then he wouldn't dare to speak those words again. For now, the lowblood focused on his friend's attempt in consoling him, and in reflex- Tavros felt a familiar sense of relief easing away his anxiety, and his little panic episode was slowly reduced to sniffles and gentle gasps. He was still a little shaky, but the smile was going strong. It was a sheepish, apologetic one because, wow, he totally lost it in front of the highblood and that was kinda embarrassing. He really didn't want to settle to tears like he was some kind of useless grub, but it just happened and- nothing can be done now.
He felt like a total idiot, but he was slightly- happy? In this very moment, he felt ... safe. Gamzee had his arms around him and is now touching his cheek and talking to him in a soothing tone ..... perfect. He is perfect.
Tavros took a deep breath, mouth wide open, almost in a playful manner before letting it out. His smile was a bit brighter now, regardless of the slight burn in his eyes and the wet lashes. ]
I'm sorry, bro. I didn't mean to express my feelings this way. I guess I lost it a little? Haha. Not cool ...
I mean ... I want to be involved in your life like I should have been. I'm willing to take responsibility and look after my brother, and I know I'm not that ... strong right now, but I can change. Allow me to change, yeah? Just trust me to be there for you. I can handle it. Like I said, there is nothing you can say or do that will make me walk away.
[ He keeps his eyes locked with Gamzee's, not breaking the stare or even blinking. It was not as awkward as he thought it would be, but he then remembered how the highblood seemed a little uncomfortable with keeping the embrace for a long period of time, so he nodded, gesturing to him that's he's okay now, and he can let go if he wanted.
No, wait. He had a better idea. Soon after, Tavros shifted a little, breaking free from Gamzee's hold, but before the highblood could escape, he hooked their arms together, clinging to his side, legs kneed up. This way, Gamzee didn't have to feel uneasy with their embrace, and Tavros had something to hold onto. Both parties win, right?
He looked up to him, voice calm yet somewhat needy. ]
Talk to me, brother. What's going on with you?
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[But, Tavros was smiling now. It was a much better sight than his earlier display. What he was saying though, left Gamzee conflicted for multiple reasons.]
I ain't the most happiest brother at having to be gettin' my look on at you all motherfuckin' steeped in lugubriousness and shit, but... I ain't never wanting you to be actin' in ways that ain't exactly what you be feelin' all up in your magical little pump biscuit, you know?
[Wow, what a load of hypocritical horseshit. His hand fell from Tavros' cheek to fiddle with the hem of his filthy shirt awkwardly.]
I just like... wasn't all knowing whether or not a motherfucker was having like, all sorts of other fuckin' things he was having to be takin' care of. Woulda pestered your ass on it, but... ain't been all up to feelin' like my most meddlesome motherfuckin' self as of fuckin' late. Got to thinkin' all like maybe my frond be better left out of your fucking business or somethin' like that, maybe.
[Well, he was getting off-track now. Focus, Makara.]
Uhhhh, I mean, uh. The fuck was I all on about, again?
Oh, hahaha, yeah, uh, like. You ain't gotta be needing to all get yourself changed for me, bro. 'Cause like, I be liking you just for all what's you're to up and be being like right the fuck now, y'know? Changin' is all being sometimes a good fuckin' thing, if it's all makin' you feel like you be fillin' your bright fuckin' eyes all up with some miraculous confidence on it. If you went and were all to be being a different motherfucker, though, then you wouldn't be the same motherfucker, and stuff.
[Well, he managed to go and confuse himself. Give him a minute to cross his eyes, make an unsightly face, and try to re-orient himself.]
Uhhh...
[It didn't help that Tavros was shifting them around, now clinging to Gamzee's side like the most... adorable... thing... ever...]
[Gamzee reveled in their closeness, pressing shoulders and sides together, arms looped. In his new position, his hands fiddled together in his lap nervously. He really, really was not prepared to go into all of this right now. He hadn't even talked to Karkat about it very extensively. Tavros was his best bro - the one he could relate to the most at times, the one he could be stupid with and not feel like what he did was stupid or wrong or unimportant, and also maybe the kid he'd been flushed for for pretty much since he started to figure out what that even meant. He took a breath.]
I, er...
[It was hard to get his thoughts in order when Tavros' skin was so warm against his, how every point of contact their bodies made made him want to wrap himself up in him like a fucking blanket. The warmth of his boys was probably the last miracle left in this God-forsaken Tower. Er, his... boy. And Tavros. Yes. That.]
It just... I know you all been preaching this shit over and over a motherfuckin' gain, but-- But, just like I ain't wanting you to be changing into nothin' other than what your sweet fuckin' self is, I ain't wanting to be like... bein' somethin' different to you than what's the happy bro I all was used to be being to you.
[He let a pent-up breath pass through his nose, staring down at his wringing hands.]
But that ain't somethin' a good fuckin' friend would motherfucking be wishing. Shouldn't be wanting to be fakey fake at you or nothin'.
Just...
[His stomach flopped, churned uncomfortably. He wrung his hands tighter. He was definitely not ready to shatter the stupid, perpetually-happy image of himself that was once so easy to etch into Tavros' mind, but he couldn't be truthful to his brother without dropping a little bit of his newfound self-deprecation.]
Sometimes be wishin' I wasn't all having to be me, mostly.
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He smiled when Gamzee had his eyes crossed, and perhaps went as far as letting a silent laugh at the adorable display. Oh god, Gamzee didn't really have to try hard to make him smile and forget his shitty problems, but when he went on about how he didn't want him to change and all, Tavros couldn't help but to be a little ... confused.
It got worst when he finally confessed that he wished he was someone else. Tavros knew that feeling very well. Oh, so very well ... which is why he felt utterly heartbroken for Gamzee. It was an awful feeling, and he would never wish it upon his beloved brother. Ever. It was the last thing he deserved and- oh god! ]
Gamzee ...
[ He wanted to list a million reasons of why he shouldn't be feeling this way and how great he is and and- but Tavros didn't. Only because advising Gamzee that he shouldn't feel this way is merely a polite way of ending the subject and would leave his brother with no other approach but to shrug it off and fake a smile, which is not ... really helpful. Instead, he lowered his head, in a way that allowed him to look up to Gamzee, seeking his attention, and once he achieved that- he smiled a little sadly and asked. ]
Why do you feel this way? [ Yes, why. He wanted to know the reason before he could say anything. ]
I know you feel a little uncomfortable, but ... talking about it will help, okay? I'll hear you out, brother.
[ Maybe Tavros is pushing it now, and maybe he's crossing over red lines, but he couldn't really back away now that he knew Gamzee felt this way. It was a very serious issue, one that was very close to his heart since Tavros spent most of his days wishing he was someone else. It was the worst possible agony anyone could go through, and while he had all the logical reasons in the world to feel this way, he didn't understand why Gamzee -who in Tavros' eye is the best troll to ever exist after pupa pan- would feel this way! He didn't get it. ]
And don't you worry about changes. Like you said, it could be a good thing, and in my case- it will be. I promise.
I'll still be your little brother no matter what, that will never change. Ever! But, it would be nice for your lil bro to be able to look after himself and not be a burden all the time, right?
[ He pats at his arm gently, trying to keep the mood light and welcoming between them, get his friend to relax a little. ]
So I don't want you troubling yourself with that.
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Uhhh...
[He sighed, a nervous laugh following shortly after. With his free hand, he pushed some unruly curls out of his face, and tightened the grip on Tavros' arm with the other hand. He still wasn't sure he was supposed to be talking about this, but Gamzee honestly thought that it didn't quite matter. He was anything but pale for this boy, and before any of the game shit even went down, they'd talk to each other about important things. Although, usually it was Tavros with the important things to talk about, and Gamzee prattling on about some shell he found on the beach, or how he'd put an extra pinch of stardust in for Tavros to make sure they'd meet again on the paradise planet, or how weird the husktop screen looks when you move it back and forth really fast. No matter what he went on about, though, Tavros was always a willing ear, always encouraging him to talk and talk until he couldn't talk any more - which was quite a while, to be sure. Thinking about it now made his guts to funny, fluttery things, and he took another breath in.]
Heh, you ain't no motherfuckin' burden, brother. Anything fuckin' but, in fact. But, uh... I guess... what I'm all to be motherfucking meaning is... well, er. I don't be really knowing how all I mean it, mostly. I wanna be motherfuckin' me, but I ain't feeling like I'm me, so I don't wanna be me. There's--
[He swallowed thickly. His throat had suddenly become bone dry. It was impossible to explain without fully opening the can of crazy. If there was one person from home he wished would understand this, it was Tavros. Wishing was all he had going for him right now.]
There be a whole bunch of riotous motherfuckers all takin' up a fuckin' wicked dwelling in my pan holes, motherfucker.
[He looked sort of at the ground, starting to wring his hands once more.]
Uh... some of 'em ain't me. And the other brothers... some of 'em be me, too. But they're all different mes, and they all be gettin' their harshes on somethin' motherfuckin' fierce all up and about different fucking things at once. Sometimes they be all quiet, like right the fuck now, be only motherfuckin' baby whispers - lettin' a brother get his clear fuckin' ponder on by his fuckin' own. But mostly they be yellin' and screamin' and tryin' to be louder than the others 'til it all gets to be being a shouty match up in my nug and I can't be thinkin' straight or knowing what to do so I just go to tell 'em all to shut up!
[He was rambling. He was rambling like a crazy person oh my God. He pressed his face into the palms of his hands, digging at his hairline with the claws that could reach.]
But mostly it all be quiet where I be at, so a brother be yelling all up into nothing and that be gettin' nothin' done but collectin' a whole lots of motherfuckin' looks from everyone.
[He mumbled into his palms. His plan had originally been to ease into the crazy, but that apparently fell apart in no time.]
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Tavros didn't know what to expect, but he certainly didn't predict that Gamzee was going to say something like that! He was horribly confused, and it showed all over his face as he narrowed his eyes, trying his best to get his mind rolling and figure things out without asking too many questions. The last thing he wanted right now is to look like a complete moron and freeze on him, or say something stupid and ruin the whole thing in result. So he'll take his bloody time before opening his mouth, and that's what he's doing. ]
Okay. Just to make sure I got this right-
Um, you hear voices inside your head and ... it gets a little out of control at times, right?
[ He tipped his head to the side, staring up at Gamzee and looking a tad concerned. ]
Was it always this way or it just recently happened in this tower? I don't understand ...
[ oh god, oh god. Not gonna lie but Tavros is a bit nervous right now, and he prayed that whatever he had in mind is not true. Okay, he wasn't that oblivious, after spending most of his time with the highblood he noticed there is a somewhat shady side in Gamzee's nature. Maybe that explains why the other trolls kept a fair distance, but even after witnessing some minor signs here and there, Tavros never assumed that he had to be careful around him, or it was anything serious. He would usually blame the sopor and move on with his day.
And then he remembered that day, soon after he joined the tower; the labyrinth event. He recalled all the things Gamzee confessed to him when he found him in the hallway. He remembered clearly how upset he was when he spoke about losing his calm and all the ... killing that followed, and how he couldn't control those urges within him. Could it be ... the voices inside his head were responsible for all of this?
He takes in a breath. He was now rubbing a hand along Gamzee's arm gently. It took Tavros a few seconds before he managed to build enough courage to ask a very sensitive question, keeping his voice low. ]
... What do they say to you? Uh. The voices, that is.
[ He shifted his gaze to the ground before adding. ]
Also, if you feel like I'm being harsh on you, let a brother know. Okay? I mean- I really want to understand you better, be there for you, but I don't want to force you and make you feel ... uneasy. So, just let me know, yeah? If I'm crossing any lines or anything ...
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Yeah, that be all the motherfuckin' correctness on what that noise is.
[Ughh, he didn't want Tavros to look at him like this - so full of sympathy and confusion and concern and... apprehension? Oh, God, please make this all stop. He didn't want this. As soon as he would get to thinking this might be okay, to open up about this stuff, and maybe Tavros would magically be nonchalant and okay with everything, was the exact moment there was a slight pause, or an imperceptible twitch in Tavros' expression that made Gamzee want to go straight back to pretending like all of this crazy stuff was a bad dream - go back to being Tavros' friend first, and not his psychiatric project.]
It... uh, started, I think, in the motherfuckin' twistymaze, probably. Got all hungry in my motherfucking guts after a while, and all itchy right up in under my fuckin' skin, like a bunch of crazy skittery bugs all runnin' around willy-nilly. Remember all gettin' my harsh on fuckin' bad at every brother and bitch what we all be wandering with. Had the case of the motherfuckin' angries somethin' fierce and they all wasn't letting me go or nothin'.
[Gamzee stuck a few fingers up against his mouth, now beginning to gnaw at his overgrown claws out of anxiety.]
Ain't never much felt nothin' what's motherfuckin' like that in any time before when I came to here, I don't fuckin' think. Got angry sometimes, back home... maybe one or two fuckin' times when all we was in the game, but it all just meant it was being time for another pie. They was the hunger crankies - every motherfucker gets 'em. Felt all sorrowful up in the old pusher if I ever was gonna snap at one of you motherfuckers - 'cause y'all were my best fuckin' friends, and that ain't cool. So I got all up in the snot business whenever I felt the mads talkin' at me.
[He spoke between his fingers, still cracking on his nails.]
The... all these bros in the pan... be spoutin' all kinds of different shit, bro. Can't never talk like what's we are. Always gotta be yellin'. Ain't no funniest of endearin' motherfuckin' yells like Karkat's gets throwin' down, neither. Just nothin' but screechy, hurty noise - tellin' in me stuff what I all should be motherfuckin' doin', shit I shouldn't all be doin', sayin' stuff 'bout me and 'bout people I be kickin' the verbage with.
Uh, mostly they don't say nice stuff.
[He was going to leave it at that. If he started quoting them directly, he knew there was going to be an empty, Tavros-shaped spot next to him faster than he could honk in protest. When he spoke next, his voice was quiet.]
You ain't bein' harsh, bro. To get at all bein' the most honest with a motherfucker, I ain't even got it up in my nug to slam this shit out with who all I really should be slammin' with. That ain't your fault none, though, only motherfuckin' mine.
One more thing I... all wanna be gettin' out here, I think. Uh, since I all be sayin' way too much than I all ever wanted to be tellin' in you anyway. Like, about that time when we all was fightin' all uncool-like. I got them nasties on at your direction, and I ain't never felt no bad on it when I get them vitriolic verbalosities flowin' at a motherfucker, but...
But when the motherfucker be you, bro, it be different. Got my sadness on on it, I all fuckin' do. Be the most sorry on yellin' like that back then. Ain't never should take them sorts of motherfuckin' tones with you.
[This caused him to stop biting his nails for a moment to look up and over at the other boy, a heartbroken look on his face.]
no subject
He looks at Gamzee for a few more seconds before breaking their eye contact, staring at the ground again. He honestly didn't know what to do about this, it is beyond his control, and he felt completely vulnerable. He wasn't worried or scared for himself, he was just ... so unhappy for his brother. It must be a heavy burden to endure, and he couldn't even imagine how stressful Gamzee must be feeling! It was devastating because he knew there is so little he can do about it. I mean- how is he supposed to make those voices go away? How can he help him?
How can he make him .... happy again?
Well, being miserable about is not the answer, and he wouldn't allow that sense of defeat cripple him again. He said he wanted to change, right? He can start by being strong for his friend and take some of that burden. With that thought in mind, Tavros turned his head and smiled at Gamzee. He didn't hide the sadness behind his smile, showing as much compassion as he could and yet- offer some reassurance as he pressed a hand against the highblood's back. ]
Well, we gonna' have to find a way to make those voices say all kinds of nice things. I will help you, Gamzee. I promise it will be better. We'll ... we'll figure something out. We'll make it better. You and me, okay?
You're not alone.
[ And now for that other topic- the one that made Tavros let out a shaky breath and shoulders stiff. He ended up staring at Gamzee, taking in that miserable look on his face and in return- he felt this incredible amount of agony taking over. There are so many factors around him that made this so difficult. It was bad enough that he had to struggle with accepting the fact he lost what could have been the best thing in his short existence, and then knowing about Gamzee's problem soon after didn't help. And now- a painful memory is brought up. The ache was almost unbearable at this point.
He soon returns that heartbroken look with one of his own, shaking his head a little. ]
You ... didn't believe a word I said ...
[ Wait, what!!! That's not what he intended to say! He was going to nod and say 'it's cool'. What the fuck just happened? Shit, he couldn't stop himself now. ]
And that what hurts more than anything ....
Look I know that I messed up, brother. Shouldn't be laying down on you anything when you're not feeling well. I apologize for that. I really am sorry. But, you- ... I would never lie to you!
[ He stopped himself here, taking in a moment to collect himself before smiling again. ]
That's the only part that made me a little upset, but other than that- no need for an apology. You had every right to get angry. I was .... I said a lot o-
... It was just a very bad timing, that's all.
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[He wanted to make them say nice things.]
[He didn't want Gamzee to be alone.]
...
[Even if he knew what to say to that, it was doubtful the words would be able to make their way out of his mouth. So, he was reduced to a silent mess, staring down at his hands - which were now still in his lap. You're not alone. It was true - he'd been alone a lot. But, them's the breaks. He never really dwelled on it, or resented the hand he was dealt, because he was still very fortunate to have all of his friends. They made passing the time easier. When they'd have a moment to spare for him, it was the best feeling in the world. Knowing someone was out there, even if he couldn't see them or touch them was enough for him.]
[Tavros, though... Tavros was the sweetest boy he'd ever known, the one who would rather build people up and have a good time than fire off insults and aggression. It was for this reason that Gamzee had first fallen hopelessly for him. It was fascinating, talking with him, hearing the stark contrast between he and everyone else, how easy it was for him to open up and talk to him about anything at all, and how easy it was for him to actually listen to what Gamzee had to say in return. Was it any surprise that he'd become so smitten with him? As close as the two were, though, Gamzee still had never expected Tavros to volunteer to help him through this. Gamzee still wasn't too sure how he felt on the matter. He knew keeping Tavros in the loop with him in such a state was possibly dangerous to him. Gamzee didn't even know how volatile he was - every violent moodswing he'd had had felt completely justified at the time. He knew he could get angry enough to hurt anyone, no matter how close, and that was what frightened him the most.]
[Of course, that was the wrong thought process. He could hear the scritch-scritching of hushed whispers begin to rise in defiance once more. Before they got loud enough to disorient him, he needed to get some words out, something.]
Ughh, bro-- Tav--
[Gamzee brought his hands up to try rubbing away some of the tension that had begun to build behind his eyes. He had to pick the lesser of two evils, now. Which did he talk about first - the way he completely destroyed the possibly positive discussion they could have had about their potentially-requited flushed feelings, or the many ways and details of him going completely shithive? It didn't matter, they'd have to slog through both of those fuckers soon enough. Better start with the older problem.]
I didn't all mean to have that be what was motherfucking conveyed all by the way I was up and fuckin' actin' on you, back then. Didn't never get to thinkin' you'd be spinnin' the untruths at me, motherfucker. Just, uh... more motherfuckin' like...
[How the fuck did he say this without sounding like the biggest condescending asshole to ever live? Was that even possible?]
...like, you really didn't be understanding what all you were meaning, probably.
[Spoilers, it wasn't.]
I just... you didn't... you don't fuckin'...
[He trailed off, rubbing at his eyes some more. There was literally no way he could explain himself without being a total prick. That was probably because he was a total prick. He wasn't always, but it was definitely a role he was filling out quite nicely over the past few months.]
I don't fuckin' know, Tav. Just, fucking forget it. Please, bro. I don't wanna be gettin' my speak on of this shit no motherfucking more.
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-maybe it will be less painful if he kept it all in. And by that he meant- don't fucking react. Don't speak. Don't think. Just keep that nice mouth of yours shut and focus on other things. Tavros was good at it. He'd spent most of his life taking one abuse after another from a certain spider troll, and in time- he couldn't do anything but zone out or pretend he's somewhere else. Let her talk herself to exhaustion. So, yeah, this might come in handy right now.
Except- it's not really working this time. He heard Gamzee loud and clear. It's all in his head right now. He looks at him again, eyes slightly narrowed. ]
I don't fucking what?
[ Oh god, he felt like such a shitty hypocrite. Not too long ago he was talking about how he's going to change and be that hero for Gamzee, but- he honestly didn't know what to do right now. He couldn't think! He is just so- oh god, he felt so frustrated. It was making him so angry. The fact he didn't know what to fucking do, or feel about this. No, what irritated him the most is that he didn't know how to respond! He couldn't speak!
Basically, Gamzee is saying that he wasn't serious about the confession. Okay, yeah, he was stuttering and being a total idiot, and yes he picked his words poorly, and he was being uncertain and-
Well, fuck. He can't really blame Gamzee for not buying his shit, can he? He fucked up. He fucked up beyond repair. He didn't need another harsh reminder. And like a totally mature adult, he takes it out on his best friend.
He let's out a heavy exhale, and he shrugged his shoulders. ]
Then why did you bring it up? If it's such a horrible topic to discuss ... why did you bring it up, then? That's just really unfair. I-
[ Bad choice of words, he knew that. Thus, he's even more frustrated, hands on his face again in a desperate attempt to get it together before speaking. ]
I'm sorry. Sorry, I ... Gamzee, look, I don't want to fight anymore. Please, if forgetting about it will make this stop, then okay- I will drop it. All forgotten. I won't mention it again.
Just ... I'm so tired. Please, let's not do this right now.
trust is like an eraser it gets smaller and smaller with every mistake
[At the loss of contact, Gamzee turned his head to face the boy, and when he'd been snapped at, his eyes grew noticeably wider. Tavros had never gotten curt with him like that. It made him feel a lot of things at once - mostly guilt, which was becoming quite the unfamiliar feeling these days. His mouth sort of fell open in shock, just a small parting of his lips, but anything he was thinking of saying had been sucked right out of him.]
[This hurt. This hurt and he deserved it, because he'd just treated one of his most favorite people like complete and utter shit. He had invalidated his feelings, just like, just like everyone else did to him. Gamzee had truly believed that Tavros was misinterpreting his own emotions back then, when he'd told him (or alluded to, at least - his wording was a little vague) how he'd felt about him. In assuming that, he'd probably made Tavros feel like Gamzee didn't take him seriously at all. It was never the case! Never ever ever, but that is precisely what he'd done to him.]
I just-- I--
[With every emotion came more audible thoughts in his head. Apologize to him say something CULL HIS ASS why did you bring it up PUT HIM IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING PLACE kiss him BAPTIZE THIS MOTHERFUCKING STRETCH OF SAND AND SURF WITH THE SHITTIEST OF HUES--]
I don't know!!!
[His hands had grasped the sides of his head, fingers twining around whatever messy curls they could, gripping them tight in an attempt to refocus himself.]
I mean--
[Get a hold of yourself, Makara. This was a bad, bad idea, and he should have never agreed to it. This was a learning experience, at least. Never try to talk with someone about shit before talking to Karkat about it first. It was impossible to relay a toned-down version of how he was feeling without first being able to get it out in its rawest form. Gamzee closed his eyes for a moment, hands still twisted in his hair, and let a heavy breath out. Try not to look too crazy in front of the precious boy that you just pissed right the fuck off.]
I fuckin' made--
[No. Wrong tone, try again. Try talking without clenching your teeth.]
I fuckin' made what's all the illest of miscalculations on that, brother. Thought we could be hashin' everything the fuck out all at motherfucking once, like bros. I fuckin' ain't at no motherfuckin' place to be all doing that, though.
[He had to stop again. If he took it slow, he'd be able to maintain his composure for the duration of this. What was left of it, anyway.]
Kinda... kinda thought I'd be gettin' my harsh on at you if we went to be up and doin' it like this way, and all. Only reason why I really didn't wanna, bro.
[Gamzee turned to his friend again, taking slow, deep breaths between his sentences, until his hands released themselves from their grip in his hair, falling uselessly to his sides.]
Let me get them angries out first, little bro. Let me all get them gone so we all be able to get our motherfuckin' slam on at this shit somethin' what's more fucking proper, yeah?
[He reached out, tentative. His hand hovered between the two of them for what seemed like forever before giving up and returning to its place on the ground.]
...Sorry, brother. You be all the only one I ain't never wanting to be hurting, and I went to do the worst at you just fuckin' now. Ain't thinkin' a motherfucker's all ever gonna be not gettin' his sorries on enough about that. Honk.
[The strained honk was almost a punctuation, admitting there was probably more he should say, but he didn't know what it was.]
no subject
He was trying so very hard to keep in mind that Gamzee is not well, but in same time he felt this incredible urge to stay angry. He wanted to be angry so badly. It was so agonizing because- hey, Gamzee just kept on going with all his deceitful words that screamed with hideous guilt and pity.
Clearly, the highblood is not interested. Why does he keep uttering false promises? Let the anger go away, and then we'll discuss this. Discuss what? List of reasons of why they shouldn't be together? Fuck this.
Then again, Tavros was totally misunderstanding his friend's approach. Right now- everything just felt like an indirect insult and he just ... wanted him to stop showering him with pity. He felt like he was being kicked when he's down. It took a great deal of struggle to keep himself under control, and regardless of all the hurt, he kept his ears in focus with Gamzee- listening to him carefully, and even going as far as nodding his head in acknowledgment.
Once he was done, Tavros opened his eyes half-way, and wow, just take one more deep breath and let's try this again.
One last time. ]
Brother- I really do appreciate your concern. But, you need to stop complicating things, and you need to stop ... doubting me. I know what I want. I know how I feel about you. From all the other trolls, Gamzee, I thought you can tell when a brother is being genuine or not.
[ He finally forced himself to look him in the eye, and Tavros was just-- the exhaustion took a whole new level. He never felt this way before, and he hated it. Hated everything about this day. This conversation. His fucking feelings. Everything! ]
I am so tired, Gamzee. I am so tired of feeling this way ...
[ His breath hitched. ]
So, please, let’s not talk about this again. No more, brother. I don’t think I can go through this again. Like you said, let’s forget it. Pretend nothing happened.
That is what you want, right?
I’ll do anything for you. So let’s just ... forget.
Phone tag there are probably 8274747 typos in here
[Whatever. What the fuck was the point in arguing? Gamzee had said he'd wanted to talk about it, then insisted he didn't, and now he was arguing again when Tavros told him to drop it. He was being as indecisive and volatile as ever, and he wished for just one moment that he could reign his emotions in so he could present himself as something at least resembling functional.]
[...But this back-and-forth was making him so angry. He and Tavros both stared at each other, irritation and frustration written all over their faces. This was not ever how he'd imagined this to go. They were always coming down from a rap-off, or playing with those cards Tavros liked so much, or talking about nonsense, and they would magically both realize that they should probably start making out or something, and then they'd split a pie and swap stories and jokes and spit and everything would be fucking perfect. But this was probably the farthest away from his stupid little fantasy that it could get. Of course, he'd never imagined them trapped in a murderous Tower, he'd never imagined himself to realize he was really fucking nuts with a serious anger issue, and, while he knew he fucked shit up sometimes, he never expected to fuck this up.]
[His protests were too late. He didn't know what to do. Everything he'd said or tried to apologize for just made Tavros even angrier. It would have made him furious if he didn't feel so fucking lost! What the fuck was he supposed to say!? Why wouldn't Tavros accept his apologies!? He didn't want any of his pity, even though he knew damn well Gamzee pitied the shit out of him! He didn't know what to say or what to do. Why wasn't it just coming to him like it always had? When did everything involving Tavros and feelings get so fucking confusing?]
I'm...
[Tavros didn't want to hear it anymore. What the fuck was the point? He said he didn't want to feel the way he felt any more, so what right did Gamzee have to try to keep him!?]
[Gamzee searched Tavros' face for any sort of sign, any clue for what to say or do. There was nothing but exhaustion, resentment, and hopelessness in there. He could feel his throat get smaller, and his teeth sank into the meat of his tongue.]
...Okay, brother. Okay.
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Well, now he knows.
It was his fault more than anything, really. They were fine before, everything was perfect, he just had to ruin it by developing re-
Ugh, there is no point in thinking about this right now! There is nothing worse than tormenting yourself with 'what if's' and 'I wish that never happened'. It will do him no good, for now- he had to pull himself together, figure out what he needs to do to be better, stronger. Change. Change is good, right?
Fuck, he needed change so badly.
He hunched forward, one hand gently kneading at his scalp while trying his best not to look so frustrated. Honestly? He had no idea what to fucking say or do now. He didn't want to be a dick and excuse himself, even though that felt like the most appropriate approach. Gamzee might not want him to stick around anymore, he caused him enough stress. He always did. No matter how hard Tavros tired to reach out to him, everything seemed to backfire, and- he was so sick of fucking things up. He never wanted to be such a pain to his best friend, but- just look at them now. They couldn't look any fucking happier.
Okay, he's been quiet for far too long. It was getting awkward. Say something. Anything! ]
Uh.
[ Say something productive.
He shrugged his shoulders, staring down at his fingers and just- yeah let's admire how amazing they look right now. ]
You want to ... head back to your hive now? I could help out. Since your ankle is all ... you know.
If you're cool with it, that is.
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I always wanted to use this icon
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