towerofanimus | I Don't Think That's How...

Entry tags:

I Don't Think That's How...

Characters: Zero Lancer and whoever would like to join!
Setting: Starting in room 4-16, then heading to the cafeteria, and from there floor six.
Format: Whatever you would like!
Summary: Zero Lancer wakes up in a strange place and tries to figure out what's going on.
Warnings: Spoilers for Lancer's end in the series.

Room 4-16

[The moment he is able to move from the strange paralysis that has gripped him upon waking, Lancer's hand sweeps out to grab one of the two letters his eyes spot on the table near his bed. While the time he's been unable to move has been brief, for a trained warrior in a unfamiliar place, that time has still seemed like an eternity.

An eternity trapped in mystery. An eternity not knowing if his master...]

Right, my master...

[The word drips with an anger unusual to him as his empty hand rises to rest over his heart--over the place where there should have been a gaping hole from the spear he had been forced to drive through his own chest.

The wound is no longer there.]

What is going on? How can this be?

[Lancer's eyes focus back on the letter in his hand and he quickly opens it. After only a few moments, the letter floats onto his bed. Dropped in surprise? Shock? He's not really sure what to call the feeling that tears through his heart. Shock he had felt when he had been betrayed by the master he'd given everything to. Surprise he had felt when he realized, in those final moments, how angry it had made him.

The emotion he feels now that he has been told that his world is dead and he is still alive instead of it being the other way around is something he can't put a name to. And while he doesn't know what to call that emotion, he does know he can't just keep sitting on the bed in this strange place wondering what's going on.

Lancer quickly rises to his feet and summons his armor and spear to his side. The summoning is as natural to him as breathing and he never once doubts that they will come when called. He does, however, notice that while the white outfit had woke up in is now gone, the collar is still there. It's an annoyance, but something he can deal with later once he's gotten some answers.

He's about to leave his room when the trunk at the end of his bed catches his eye. He's not quite sure why, but he gets the feeling he should really look into it before leaving. If the letters had held information, then why not the trunk as well?

Anyone who happens by 4-16 and looks or stops in may find him still kneeling in front of the now opened trunk. Asking about what looks to be the tears in the corners of his eyes may or may not be a good idea.]

The Cafeteria

[While servants technically don't have to eat, since Lancer has no idea how things work in this strange place, he is currently eating a bowl of very tasteless oatmeal. Not that it really bothers him considering some of the things he had eaten while in the Fianna and on the run from Fionn. Tasteless actually is an improvement from what some of those things had tasted like.

To be honest, he's not here for the food anyway. Since the cafeteria was mentioned in the letter, it only stands to reason that a good number of people would be there--new and old alike. And that does seem to be the case, so the servant in green sits at one of the cafeteria tables slowly making his way through his own bowl, his head bowed over it almost as if he's shy. While he's not really shy, he is somewhat worried about his curse and how it will affect the people here. So far, though, no one seems to be having troubles with it leading him to hope that it's not active. Those who take the time to look into his eyes will find that, far from looking shy, they are observing the room and its occupants with an intensity that only those who have fought many many a battle can achieve.]

Floor Six

[After learning all he can in the cafeteria, Lancer decides to slowly start making his way back up the tower so that he can find out what secrets each floor holds. Already he's heard tell that many of the floors are dangerous and even deadly to those who make a misstep on them, but this floor seems far too peaceful for that. He takes a few steps away from the stairway, but doesn't go too far, keeping in mind the things he had overheard from others. How some floors look completely safe, only to become deathtraps in the blink of an eye.

Movement to his left draws Lancer's attention, but he smiles when he notices it's just a deer. A...mutated deer, but a deer just the same. In all honesty, it's not the strangest thing he's seen. He grew up in a world of oddities after all.

The deer watches him for a few moments longer before disappearing back into the forest. As it disappears, Lancer closes his eyes and draws in a deep breath. Maybe it is just because of what he found in his trunk, but this forest with all its oddities makes him feel strangely at home.

Unconsciously, his hand raises to touch the torc that sits tightly around his neck slightly above the collar. He could have worn it lower as he had when it had first been given to him, but no. Lancer can't stand the idea of the gift Oscar had spent so much time finding for him being hidden by that thing...that annoyance he still hasn't found a way to be rid of.

And so he stands there, lost in thought. Thoughts of the old days, of his old friends, things supposedly on a world that might or might not have been destroyed. He still isn't sure what he believes. He just knows that at least here he has these small things, these memories.

He didn't have any of that in the war...]

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[He nods.] It's been a long time. [His voice is sorrowful as he says it. He doesn't hide his emotion. He hates it here, hates the administrators and the mindless cruelty.

But then, the anger in Kariya responds to the anger in Lancer, surfacing beneath his sadness. The worms stir. They always do when he gets upset, which is why he tries to avoid it, or at least keep it suppressed.] You're right, it isn't right. They should be stopped. They should be punished.

Your Master? [He knows about the other Servants and Masters, although he hasn't interacted with them directly. Berserker has. He tries to assemble the memories he has of the conflicts in the War so far. He remembers the first battle, with Lancer and Saber and Rider... And then Archer.] Was he bad? [He knows Caster's Master was, but he's less sure about Lancer's.] I'm sorry. [Still, he doesn't say that he's a Master himself. He wonders fleetingly, is he a bad Master? But he doesn't care, as long as Sakura is saved.]

I know someone like that, too. [In a way, Zouken is his master, isn't he? He's gone through all this to win the Grail for that man.]

I don't know, exactly how they failed. [He's slightly bitter that he's not strong enough to try.] The administrators stopped them every time. They're powerful enough to bring us here, and they can keep us here, too. They kill the people who try, or injure them, or worse.

[Lancer can sense the stirring in the other man as his emotions rise. He really wishes he could figure out what that presence is, but it would be rude to ask straight out, especially since they have only just met.]

Ah yes, my master. I shouldn't speak of him such. Without him, I wouldn't have had the chances I had, but he...he betrayed me in the end. Though, if he is no longer the one who is responsible for keeping me bound to this world, why should I give him the honor he so denied me?

[Lancer rests his chin in his hand and ponders the information the other man has given him.]

How can they have so much power? To be stronger than so many people who are extraordinary themselves?

[His free hand absently taps against his collar.]

These are part of it, aren't they? It is why they can't be removed.

[Kariya calms slightly, and so do the worms, if not completely. Secretly, Kariya is glad to hear that Lancer didn't win the War. Berserker has to win. No matter what. He clenches his right hand, the one with the Command Seals.]

It's all right. If he was unkind to you, there's no reason to speak well of him. You're right, he doesn't deserve to be honored. You're free of him now. [Kariya doesn't consider himself free. He wishes he were, but Zouken's still with him. He can't leave the worms behind him.]

I've been wondering that, too. But there are many powerful people here, and they're trapped just the same as the ordinary people. [He doesn't consider himself either powerful or ordinary. He wouldn't have thought anyone could keep multiple Servants captive, but somehow they've managed to do it. He wishes he had more definite answers to give.] They must be getting their power from somewhere. I don't know whether it's magical or something else.

[He nods, putting a hand up to his own blue collar.] Yes. No one knows what they're for, but sometimes they take us to the infirmary to check our collars.

[Lancer nods, listening carefully to the man's words. He is distracted, though, by something in his voice. Something that speaks of a lot more experience with the topic than he is letting on.

And finally, it clicks. His strangeness. The familiar magical tingle. The knowledge.]

You've been a part of the Grail Wars, haven't you? And that participation has not been easy on either your body or soul...

[His voice is soft. The last thing he wants to do is scare the man off. After all, if there is no war here, then there is no cause to fight. And Lancer can't help but like the man if for no other reason than they both seem destined to bear the scars of their dishonorable wars. Their pain is something, even if not fully understood, at least somewhat shared.]

[Kariya tenses at Lancer's words. Death might not be permanent here, but he's determined to hang on to his life, regardless. No matter if some would say he's half-dead already. Not that there's any point in preparing for an attack. If Lancer wants to harm him, there will be nothing he can do but call for Ruler and hope she arrives in an instant. Yet it doesn't seem as if any attack is coming. Lancer remains calm and still. Kariya doesn't relax, but he doesn't tense any further. Like Lancer, he has no desire to fight the War here, and he won't, unless a certain other Master happens to appear in the Tower.

There's no point in avoiding the truth any longer. Not that he could hide the truth of the toll the War has taken. It's all over his face, literally.

You're right.

[He's right on both counts. Kariya's participation is, quite simply, killing him, but he won't let that stop him.]

I'm a Master in the Fourth War. [He uses the present tense, no matter what anyone says about the War or its ending. Saber claims he didn't win, but he won't believe it.] Or I will be again, when I go back. [When, not if.] There's no War here, so I'm only fighting the Tower now.

Thank you. Please understand that I mean you no harm. For me the 4th war is over, as I mentioned, and nothing will change that. If it is not so for you, then I wish you luck when you return. Hopefully, the quest for your wish will end much better than my own did.

[His master would be screaming if he heard Lancer speaking in such a way to an enemy master, but Lancer can't bring himself to care. Besides, from the look of the man sitting across from him, he had sacrificed much to have a chance at getting his wish. Lancer's own master had sacrificed nothing as far as he could tell. Now that he is outside of the war and free to chose, he would probably chose this man sitting across from him to win over his own master.

Lancer sighs. He would like to believe he would do that anyway, but the knight in him is screaming about how wrong that line of thought is despite the fact that his master hadn't cared one bit about him being a knight. And the arguing lines of thought are actually starting to give him a headache. He unconsciously rubs the bridge of his nose and turns his attention back to the other man.]

Please, if you would, might I have your name? I'm afraid that I didn't get the chance to actually learn much about the other masters during the war. My master kept us away from most of you and never felt the need to share any information about the other masters with me. I suppose he felt that he could take care of all of you without me or something equally as foolish.

[The Servant seemed sincere enough, not to mention polite. Kariya did relax. The worms calmed with him, as they usually did, responding to his emotional states.]

I understand. Thank you.

[Good. The last thing he needs is another Servant trying to kill him.]

I am going to win the War. [Kariya says this, as he always does, because he has to believe it. By this point, he's all but completely convinced himself that it's true.] But I'm not fighting for a wish. [It wasn't that he didn't have a wish in his heart, but he wasn't fighting for that. It was for Sakura. And Aoi.] I'm fighting for someone else.

My name is Kariya. Kariya Matou. I didn't know your Master, but I don't know most of the other Masters. [He hadn't shared much with his Servant himself, but what could one share with Berserker? It took enough energy just trying to control him. Of the other Masters, he had met Waver here in the Tower, but only Tokiomi truly matters to him in terms of the War.]

Thank you, Lord Matou, for your trust in me. As a knight allow me to return that trust.

[Lancer bows the best he can to Kariya from where he is sitting.]

I am Lancer, but in my first life my name was Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, First Warrior of the Fianna. I cannot promise miracles... Actually, I cannot promise much at all because of how new I am here, but if there is something I can do to help you, please don't be afraid to ask.

Your goal is an honorable one and I hope you can succeed when you return to the war. There is no greater reward in life than being able to help someone you so deeply care for.

You can call me Kariya. That's fine. It's nothing.

[He wonders what it would have been like to have a Servant like this. One who would speak to him so politely and kindly and do as he asked, without him having to struggle to control him. Lancer's Master should have felt lucky. It's so different from his experience with Berserker that Kariya's taken aback. He's not used to anyone speaking to him this way. He doesn't know quite how to respond, but after a pause, he tries.]

What should I call you? Lancer, or your name? You don't have to do anything for me. [He's reluctant to accept help, even when he needs it.] Except– I want to help the people here. Especially the children. They shouldn't have to suffer. I think we can find a way to go home, if we all work together. But I can't do very much on my own. [His condition is patently poor, and he's frustrated by his inability to help. He can fight with the Crest Worms, but he prefers to avoid that unless it's absolutely necessary, like when he'd saved Rolo from the monsters.]

You're right. There is nothing better. I'd do anything for Sakura. What I want most is for her to be happy again.

Call me whatever is easiest for you. I really have no reason to hide who I am. There is no war here besides the one against the tower itself and even if we do find a way home, there will be no war for me there either. There will just be a return to nothing. Even so, I will fight to help you all get home. None of you should be here, but most especially the young ones.

[Lancer can't help but smile when he hears Kariya talk of Sakura. Even with as sick as he is, something seems to come alive in him when he speaks of her. He can't help but wonder what it would have been like to work with a master such as this--one who has such an unselfish and noble goal. Might he actually have been able to see his wish through to the end? And more importantly, help save a child from whatever horrors Kariya so desperately wanted to save her from?

Ended like that...the war might have meant something. He supposes, though, it might still mean something once Kariya can get back to it.

And Lancer, well he wouldn't mind returning to the oblivion of the Throne of Heroes with a little hope in his heart instead of it being filled with the despair it had been filled with before.]

I'll call you Diarmuid, if that's all right. I know a Lancer already. [Diarmuid seemed so reasonable. The opposite of his own Servant, although he wondered what might have happened if he'd been able to summon his Servant without the extra lines Zouken had added to the ritual. Things would have been different. Would they have been better?]

I'm sorry that– there's nothing for you afterward. [It doesn't seem fair, that the Servants have to disappear, especially one like Diarmuid. He knows they already lived their own lives, but still... Diarmuid must have worked so hard. Only to disappear.]

But I'm glad you feel the same. About the war and helping the others. I know there are other people in the tower who do, too, but no one's been able to get very far, as far as I know. I've been trying, but– I haven't gotten far either. I wish I could do more to help them. [It's been frustrating him, all this time. His own limitations chafe at him.] This is a terrible place for anyone, let alone children.

Sakura's just a child, too. I need to get back to help her. No matter what. If you could help me with that, I'd be– I'd do anything, for that.

That is just fine. Lancer is my roommate unless there is third one around I don't know about. Someone in charge apparently has a bad sense of humor. I'm sure we are going be sorting through confusion for a while. At least we don't look anything alike.

[Lancer smiles gentle when Kariya expresses concern about his fate and then shakes his head.]

Please don't trouble yourself over me. I'm a servant. I was never meant to stay for a long time. Anything I do here...well it is a bonus, I guess. A chance to make this life mean something after all.

[A chance to be more than a dishonored knight again. More than a failure. Someone who actually deserves the chances he's been given...]

I don't think there's a third. It might not be a coincidence that you're there together. There are a few Servants here. Lancer and I get along well. [He thinks. The two of them are very different, but he enjoys talking to him, and Lancer's been kind to him in his rough way. He already gets along much better with these Lancers than with his own Servant.] I like him. No, you're not alike at all. I don't think anyone will confuse you once they get to know you.

That's a good way to look at it. But you, and Lancer, you're so alive. [It just doesn't seem fair.]

I want to do that too. Make my life mean something more. [Back home, he doesn't have much time left.] I made so many mistakes, back home. And then there was the War...

Paradoxically, maybe he and I are more alive here than we would be back at our homes. I have no master here, no one to supply me the energy I need to stay manifest, yet here I am. Alive. Feeling good. With a purpose and chance at redemption. If that isn't life, then I don't know what is.

Try not to focus on your mistakes. Instead, focus on the chance you have now. Prepare yourself so that when you go home, there will be no question what the outcome for you will be.

That makes sense. I hadn't thought of it that way. You're alive here. You can do what you want– except leave here, of course. I wish you were able to have your second chance somewhere better than this.

I wonder what would happen if Berserker were here, too. Maybe he wouldn't be mad... [As he says this, he's as much musing aloud as he is speaking to Diarmuid. He does wonder what kind of man Berserker really is.]

I'll try. [Kariya listens to Diarmuid quite earnestly. He was never really told things like this, not as a child, and not later, when he'd grown up. He's spent so much time focusing on everything he's done wrong.] I want to redeem myself, too. I won't give up, no matter what. I know that. It's what I have to do. [Even if his condition is worsening, the longer he stays. As if on cue, as he thinks this, he coughs.]

[Lancer blinks for a few moments in shock. This man? This sick, gentle man was that monster's master? Somehow it doesn't seem right. How in the world does he manage to control such a creature in his condition?

Or is that he's in this condition because he's Berserker's master? Controlling something that wild can't be easy on a person's body. Lancer is about to ask him, when Kariya starts coughing.

He reaches out and gently lays a hand on his arm.]

Are you all right? Do I need to see you to the infirmary?

[Kariya looks at Lancer's hand for a moment before responding. He appreciates the gesture of kindness. For such an awful place, there are a lot of kind people here. In that way, it's better than home. Not that home is much better in general.

He coughs again, then takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to get agitated. It'll only make things worse.]

No, I'm fine. Thank you, but it's all right. This is– I'm always like this. It's my condition. [That's the euphemistic way of putting it.] There's nothing in the infirmary that can really help.

[Lancer's eyes sadden.]

Forgive me for prying, but are you like this because of having to control Berserker? Is the stress on you so great that it's killing you? If he's not here, shouldn't you be getting better and not worse?

No, it's all right. It's–

[It's not as if he hasn't told enough people about his condition, and Diarmuid seems kind enough.]

It's related to that. You see, I'm not a very strong magus. My family augmented my magic circuits. Our family crest, Crest Worms, they're familiars. I had to take them on, so I could be strong enough to fight in the War. It is worse, when I control Berserker, but they don't stop when he isn't here. So I'll keep getting worse.

[He forces a smile. It's not very convincing.] But there's someone here who's been healing me a little, so it hasn't gotten too much worse.

[Lancer can only shake his head at this. To sacrifice so much just for a chance to help someone. How was it fair that his master who had been wiling to sacrifice nothing had just as much right to try for the Grail as Kariya who had given everything including his health?]

I'm glad that there is someone here that can help you at least. I am suddenly even more embarrassed of my master than I was before. He would never have sacrificed the way you have.

Tell me, does the girl know you are doing this for her at least so that you can pull strength from her hope?

I'm glad, too. I have to keep going.

Some people don't care about anyone else. That's what my family is like, too. [There's some bitterness in his tone. Someone like Zouken would never sacrifice anything for anyone.]

Sakura... [His voice softens again when he talks about her.] No, I didn't tell her what I was going to do. It might have upset her. [Since he's definitely going to die.] But she knows I care about her, and I promised her we'd play together in the park again. Her mother, her sister, and me. Like we used to.

[He smiles a little, sincerely, at this memory.]

So that's what I'm living for now.

If that is enough to give you the strength you need, then that is all that matters. You will play with her in the park again someday.

[Lancer smiles. Such a happy memory. And it reminds him of the short time he had spent with his own children. Of coming home to a ruined kitchen because Grainne had tried again to teach their daughter how to cook when she had no idea how to do it herself. It's a memory he wouldn't trade for anything even if he'd had to spend hours putting the kitchen back into order.]

I know I would do anything if it meant the chance to see my children again. My time with them was far too short.

Yes. You're right. I know I will.

[He has to believe that. The alternative isn't acceptable.]

You have children? What are they like?

[Kariya is all too happy to hear more. He'd always wanted to have children himself, but– That hadn't happened, and won't, now.]

I'm sorry you weren't able to spend more time with them. I know what that's like. I'd do anything for my nieces, but I wasn't able to see them often enough.

[Lancer smiles, a joyous light entering his eyes. He doesn't often get to speak of his children--for obvious reasons--but they make up a good number of his most precious memories.]

I had five--four boys and a girl. You speaking of Sakura made me think of my daughter specifically. My wife often tried to teach her to cook. Unfortunately, my wife was also a princess. She had never been taught to cook herself because she had others to do that for her. That never stopped her, though. I lost track of how many times I had to spend most of the afternoon or evening trying to put the kitchen back into order after her 'lessons.' The smiles on their faces when they showed me so proudly the food they had made I would trade for nothing, though. Not even a kitchen that didn't look like something had exploded in it.

[His eyes suddenly become very gentle.]

One of the things the tower gave back was a cushion my daughter hand made for me. She could sew much better than she could cook. It was one of my prized possessions. The last time I saw it was shortly before I died. I ran my hand over it as a reminder of why I needed to make sure I came back.

It's a shame I never did...

[Kariya listens to the story quietly, smiling himself as Diarmuid smiles. It's clear the man cares very much about his family, which Kariya can empathize with, and it makes him feel a connection with the man. He laughs, softly.

But it's a sad story as well as a happy one, or bittersweet, at least, and he sobers at the end of it, when Diarmuid speaks of not returning.] Moments like that are worth more than anything else. You were lucky, to have them. I can imagine what the kitchen must have looked like, but at least they didn't give up. Did they ever improve? And did you ever manage to eat any of the food?

Sakura liked to help her mother in the kitchen, too, but I heard she was always a good cook. [Not that he'd been part of that. It hadn't been in his kitchen. He hadn't been part of that home life. He envies Diarmuid that, not that he'd say so.] She made me cookies, once. [He almost hadn't wanted to eat them, wishing he could keep them instead.]

They must have loved you very much. I'm sorry, that you didn't come back. [He can empathize with that, too. The more logical, if stifled, part of him knows that he's never going to go play in the park again. But Sakura will play with her mother and sister again, and that's what matters.] I'm glad the Tower gave you something to remember them by. Maybe there are some things here that aren't so bad. And so many of the people here are kind.

[He pauses, hesitating for a moment.] I have something from home, too. It's a picture of Sakura. Would you like to see it? [Of course, he always carries his photograph with him.]

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