towerofanimus | I'm sorry...

Entry tags:

I'm sorry...

Characters: Tohko Amano and Lancer (Cu Chulainn)
Setting: Floor 78.
Format: I'm starting in prose, but I'll match you!
Summary: Tohko, upon sending her note to Lancer, sits down in a corner and waits for him to return while trying to deal with Ganon's curse. Lancer..then attempts a mercy kill.
Warnings: Tohko's death.

Ganon's curse was getting even worse now. Her dreams had been filled with images of a burning library, and her parents screams..and her feet had turned to stone. She could still walk, but she was in utter agony, and couldn't wear any shoes.

Even though anything she ate had tasted like hot coals, she had forced herself to eat a small collection of love stories after finishing her library duties. She was starving..but every bite burned. After leaving the library, she began the long and painful climb up the stairs, using one of the walls to help support herself. She was in pain..but she had to keep going. She had to get to the mailroom.

There, after catching her breath and trying to calm down, she read Lancer's latest letter. Using a scrap of paper in her pocket and her pen, she jotted down a reply before carefully sitting down in a corner to wait for him.

She was exhausted..but she would try to put on a good smile when he came in. She didn't want to make him worry even more.

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He gives her a little nod and then returns to his work. Now that the curse has slowed, it's a little easier to work through it. Soon, he has it at a point where he thinks it's either undone or at least contained.

But even if it's been undone, the ravages to the girl's body cannot be healed. Even he has no way of restoring her petrified parts.

"Tohko..."

He sounds rather grim as he speaks, calling her by her real name for once.

While Tohko liked the fact the he was calling her by her first name, she didn't miss how..grim he sounded. Was he unable to undo the curse or cure her? It was fine if he couldn't.

"Yes? What's..wrong?"

"The good new is, I stopped the curse's advance. The bad news is that I can't reverse its effects. The petrified parts of your body won't go back to being flesh."

He stops to give her a moment to let everything sink in.

At that, Tohko forced herself to smile through the pain and..sat up. She still had her hands balled up into fists to try and help it along.

"Well..that's alright! At least I won't turn into a statue now. Thank you..I really do appreciate it..but why do you sound so sad?"

"There is a way to reverse the damage. One that I probably have to 'thank' the Tower for. Basically, starting everything over."

He grips his spear.

"You'd suffer quite a bit, probably for a long time, if you just left now. But...if you died as I did, you'd come back without any traces of the curse."

..And the mask of a smile fell when she heard what Lancer was suggesting. Lancer..probably meant well by this. After all, he was a friend, and he was trying to make this sound good.

..But..Tohko couldn't allow herself to just die like that, even if it would free her from the pain right now. That would make her a hypocrite.

After all, she had saved Chia, even though she had tried to kill herself, due to the pain of her shame. She couldn't do that and still look Chia in the eye!

"Lancer..I'm sorry..but..I don't want to choose that option! No way! I'd be a hypocrite if I did! And, since we're friends, that would hurt you too! So..no way!"

"...I'm not gonna force you."

His voice shakes, just a little.

"But are you sure? If you stay and linger...it might end up killing you eventually anyways."

She would be near immobile in case of a crisis, anyways.

Tohko bit her lip as she managed to stand up. Her feet were in horrible pain, and she herself wasn't feeling well..but she was still alive. Immortality was painful, that she knew..but that didn't mean she would willingly walk into death if she didn't have to.

She sighed before she replied.

"..My feet..may break off eventually..but as long as I can stop the bleeding, I'll still be alive. I'll..have to grab some canes..and make a bag to carry them in..but I'll be alright."

Tohko was pretty stubborn..so if Lancer wanted to pull off this mercy kill, he would have to be just as stubborn and really convince her.

Or stab her when she wasn't looking.

"You'd rather force yourself to live like that?"

In a world where death was permanent, Lancer would do everything to help her stay alive, but in a world where death was only temporary and could even be used as a reset...

It would be foolish to force oneself past the limit, wouldn't it? Especially when the one talking is only a schoolgirl.

"Why?"

Misaya had wanted to live too. But in the end, she accepted her death.

Then again, not every girl could be like Misaya.

Tohko sighed again and nodded. Her smile was gone..but she looked pretty determined.

"I would! It might be painful..but if I could keep living like that, I wouldn't mind..and as for why..back home, I knew a girl named Chia Takeda. She had trouble with empathy and couldn't properly feel the things others felt. She was so ashamed by this that she dried to kill herself..but my friend and I managed to stop her and convince her to keep going and find an alternative."

Here, Tohko sighed again, and her fists gripped her skirt. Her grip was starting to hurt her hands, and if her hands hurt on top of everything else, that wouldn't help.

"However..she's probably still in pain, due to her shame, even though she did keep on living. If I allowed you to kill me..I would be a hypocrite! There's no way I could look Chia in the face after that!"

"You can redeem yourself from shame."

It might take really fucking long, but it could be done.

"And in your world, her death would have been an end to everything. But we come back here."

Even when they didn't want to, they came back.

"This is a brave sentiment, but I don't know if I can let you pull this off."

His spear is now pointed at her.

Tohko noticed that Lancer's spear was now pointed at her. She gripped her skirt even tighter and forced herself to start walking backwards. However, she was slow, as she didn't wand to step in any fairy rings.

..And the pain really didn't help her speed at all.

"That's true..however..while it might take Chia awhile to redeem herself and throw away the mask for some people, she'll never be able to stop wearing it in front of others."

Tohko then sighed.

"..And we can come back here..but I still would have allowed you to kill me to end my suffering. I would still go down the same path Chia did, even if I can't die. I..know that this is probably..painful for you as well, since we're friends..but..I don't want you to kill me. Please..lower your spear."

"I..."

There is no good way to do this. How does he explain that he is killing her for her own good? How does he justify it, even to himself?

"...I know this is horrible. I wouldn't choose this if there was any other way."

Even as he speaks, the words sound hollow. He knows he'll feel horrible once this deed is done. He knows that she would probably hate him afterwards.

But it's the only solution he can see. And the only way he can protect her.

"Sorry. I won't ask you to forgive me."

And then he starts moving toward her.

In response, Tohko kept slowly moving backwards, moving out of the way of any fairy rings when she felt her feet bump into a mushroom. She sighed to herself.

"..I just gave you an alternative..it's not a good one..but it's one I could live with..and I don't know if I'll be able to forgive you..but I won't hate you."

While she didn't like what he was trying to do, she did realize that he was trying to help her, in his own way, and that this option pained him, since they were both friends.

After she said that, she turned and tried to run..but only fell flat on her face after a few steps. Her feet were in too bad a shape to run, and she was in too much pain. She quickly tried to stand up, biting on her lip and quietly cursing herself to falling victim to an old cliche.

Even if she were at normal speeds, he could have easily moved to block her escape, given his power as a Servant. There isn't even a hint of excitement as he closes the space between them and hooks his arms around her waist. The memories of Misaya's death pop up in his mind again. There's no hesitation this time. His scarlet spear is thrust down to pierce her chest. The curse bound to Gae Bolg would surely destroy her heart and kill her in a matter of seconds.

Tohko didn't want to die..but she didn't want to fight Lancer either, so she didn't draw her dagger to block or fight back. Lancer was too fast for her to do either anyway.

The only thing she could do was scream and cry in pain as his spear plunged into her chest and smashed her heart. In a few seconds, she would die..but she wouldn't say anything to Lancer. What could she say at this moment of time that she hadn't already said? She wasn't sure she could forgive him right now-if ever-so she couldn't say anything like that..

All she could do was just scream and cry as she died. Nothing more. However, her eyes would be open when she did.

All things considered, the killing had been quick, brutal, and efficient. Quicker than it should have been, considering what he was doing.

It was the scream that made him doubt his actions even as he pulled the spear out. He wanted to give her a peaceful death. One that would let her come back healed of her injuries. What he had done was terrify her.

As a Servant summoned into the Grail War, he had been prepared to kill innocent people who would play witness to a battle between him and his enemies. Yet, this was different. With his own hands, he had killed an innocent person against their will. An innocent person who was also a friend that he wanted to protect.

What sort of hero was he? The same doubt he had upon Misaya's death invades his mind again. He doesn't deserve to be a hero. He doesn't deserve to be Cu Chulainn.

With a shaking hand, he closes Tohko's eyes and mouth, and then crosses her hands on her chest. He'll leave the body there, lying in the meadow. There's really no good place to take her.

Then, he dashes back to the stair case. He needs to find a good place to isolate himself once his emotions stop being numb from shock.

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