towerofanimus | For Diarmuid [Closed]

Entry tags:

For Diarmuid [Closed]

Characters: Suzaku and Lancer (Diarmuid)
Setting: Gymnasium
Format: Um any
Summary: After February and all it entailed two angsty knights meet again
Warnings: Angst, talk of event stuff, probably death seeking and self destruction talk knowing these two

Suzaku had had a few sleepless nights. Between dealing with everything that had happened, angry roommates and an insane emperor he was exhausted but sleep seemed like a hundred miles away and it was always easier to go out, cutting down monsters until he felt like he was doing some good, rather than lying awake and letting the past, and the present, haunt him.

He had been training hard, in between working and keeping an eye on those he had promised to watch out for. And so despite his worries that something odd was happening in the tower, floors cut off... perhaps another game... He was in the gymnasium going through forms, losing himself in the rhythm, trying to forget everything.

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"Wait... Were you in one of the groups that went down?" There is surprise on his face, but also worry. He has already talked to one person who went down and the trip had really upset Ryoji. Suzaku has a bit more mental strength than the boy, but at the same time, Diarmuid knows that Suzaku has just as many if not more emotional problems than Ryoji has. He just hides them better.

Of course, even the most well adjusted person would be upset by what was found down there--especially seeing your fellows go through the process when they were still alive and not being able to do anything about it.

Suzaku nodded, "I was." He looked away from the worry, the trip had... Well if he was to admit it it had effected him a lot, but he wasn't going to admit it and on the surface at least he was alright.

"I'm not sure what we expected to find down there, but it was a surprise."

Diarmuid laughs bitterly, "A surprise? That is quite true, if an understatement, my friend. Is this discovery what is making you look so much more stressed and tired than before or is it something else?"

He gives the man a knowing look, fulling expecting him to deny everything. It is what Diarmuid would do and the more he gets to know Suzaku the more the man reminds Diarmuid of himself and, unfortunately, not in a good way. However, now that Diarmuid has become more aware of these kinds of things in himself and is trying to fix them, he's going to make sure he works to fix them in Suzaku too.

Whether the other man thinks he's worth fixing or not.

Suzaku shrugged, not bothering to deny anything since Diarmuid would just tell him he was lying, but not prepared to speak otherwise.

Diarmuid sighs, rubbing at the bridge of his nose, "Do we really have to do this? We're friends, aren't we? You can talk to me about what is bothering you. I don't mind and I'm not going to think any less of you for it. I swear."

'At the very least, can you tell me what you saw down there in your own words just so I can compare it to what the other person I talked to saw?" Maybe if he could get Suzaku talking about something related to things he might be able to get somewhere.

Suzaku looked down, ashamed. He wasn't used to talking about what he felt about things. Things just happened and he continued on, that was how he had survived for years now.

But report... reporting he could do. He had already done so to Lelouch before... before what had happened in the fog, and he had explained the situation to Luffy and Sora.

"The elevator was open... and though we suspected it was a trap we couldn't not go down, it is rare to have an opportunity to find out information. We arrived in a place with five doors and split up, each going to a different door, my group ended up in Dax's chambers, we found records on everyone who has ever been here, but they were in a language none of us could read. Our group had it relatively easy, we found the button we needed and returned, other groups accidentally triggered security and were a lot more injured."

He took a breath, "The buttons summoned a second elevator and once again we went in groups as this one was smaller. Everyone's powers were deactivated and we found ourselves in a corridor, and then found the machine."

Diarmuid presses his lips into a thin line when he sees that brief flash of shame on Suzaku's face, but he lets it go for now, and instead focuses on the 'report' he's being given since that is very obviously what it is.

It's just a shame he can't get Suzaku to give a 'report' on his feelings. Maybe it would be easier for him to talk about them that way.

He listens quietly as the man talks, only speaking once he pauses, "By machines you mean the ones they use to pull our souls from our bodies, right? Did you see the group that..."

His voice trails off and he fights to hold back a shiver. Even as a battle hardened warrior, it unsettles Diarmuid to think about watching the process happen to those who are still alive.

Suzaku nodded and frowned, "We were the third group down the elevator, the group that caught were second..."

He paused, still angry at himself that he had not been able to stop it happening.

Diarmuid recognizes the anger and nods, "It is probably best I wasn't there. I don't know how I would have reacted to witnessing that. Anger certainly--rage even. Have you spoken to any of them since then? I wonder how they are doing. As hard as it must have been for you to witness it and for us to hear of it, it must have been even harder for them."

"Feferi wasn't doing well, the night... the night Dax died. But she was with friends... I checked but didn't wish to intrude. I checked on the others too... but I don't really know them."

So he had gone for quiet watching, making sure they weren't alone. There were plenty of people better qualified than him to help.

Diarmuid nods again, understanding the feeling. Maybe it's why he has tried to get to know so many people in the tower. That way if they are in pain, he can know how to help them because when he can't, he feels overwhelmingly useless. Even being able to do something simple like Suzaku had done is better than nothing.

"I'm glad to know that they have people to watch over them. I, unfortunately, didn't know many of those who posted to the network, so like you, I have wanted to help but not known how. It's a frustrating feeling."

"It's very frustrating... to not know how to help."

He paused for a moment, "Though I fought about perhaps offering combat levels, when we went down to the final level they turned off our powers, successfully rendering most of our group helpless. I know a lot of those that can't fight at all have teachers, but not so much those that rely on magic to fight..."

"Yes, or to know how to help and not be able to," Diarmuid pauses and then sighs. "Those with magical skills really should realize those skills can vanish in a place like this at any moment. If they wish to fight, they should learn more than one way to fight. And I don't mean to force those not built for fighting to learn to fight like you or I do, but almost anyone can learn to use a knife. Almost anyone can learn a few ways to dodge away from others. If nothing else, they can learn ways to get themselves out of a fight when they find their powers suddenly gone. That way their teammates can just focus on the fight."

Suzaku nodded, "Exactly." He shrugged, "I figured those who have no powers could help them."

"Do you know how many teachers there are for those who want to learn to fight? And I mean teachers who can teach basic skills not just those of us who know how to fight, but at such a high level it might be hard to teach the unskilled," he pauses a moment in thought. "I think I remember someone mentioning starting classes for fighting before everything became so chaotic, but I don't know if that ever got started, and unfortunately, I don't remember his name. I know when I first arrived someone mentioned a Reno to me, but I believe he left here shortly after his wedding."

"Reno disappeared?" Suzaku hadn't heard that, he hadn't known him past the fact he was getting married. It seemed cruel that he was now gone. "I know there have been a few people offering, it's hard to keep track when people arrive and leave all the time."

And occasionally the entire world went insane and they had more pressing things to deal with.

"I can't say for sure since I never knew him beyond the information that was posted about the wedding, but I have heard from others that he has. If it is true, it is a very cruel trick especially after he just married. I feel so bad for the young lady involved," Diarmuid shakes his head, disgust in his eyes. "Is there really no level to which this place won't sink to create despair?"

Suzaku looks down, "There isn't. I thought I knew cruelty before I came here but... It was nothing."

Diarmuid nods, quiet for several moments before speaking, "This is why we can't let them win. No matter now much despair they throw at us, we can't let it change us. And we can't let it make us hate ourselves."

He looks up and catches Suzaku's eyes, "Do you understand what I am saying? We both felt dislike and even hate for ourselves when we came here. This place only amplifies that and we can't let it do that. We both have too much good we can do for people to let ourselves be defeated."

Suzaku frowned and looked at the ground, he wasn't sure there was that much good he could do for people at all, at least no good that others couldn't do just as well or better.

"I understand..."

"Then you realize there is a place for all of us especially with as much trouble as there is here. Those places each need multiple people in them. It would not be good to have any position empty because of injury or departure," Diarmuid smiles. Is it wrong to use his knowledge of what those looks mean on himself to guess what Suzaku is thinking?

He just hopes he doesn't guess wrong and end up upsetting the man someday.

He blushes slightly, still a little unnerved at Diarmuid's ability to tell what he is thinking. He shrugged, and reached into his pocket, bringing out the shard of spear that Diarmuid had given him.

"I didn't thank you for this... I meant to, but a lot happened. I apologise."

Diarmuid smiles, touched that Suzaku liked his gift enough to carry it with him, "There is no need to apologize. I'm glad you liked it. I have to admit, I was a little worried perhaps I was saying too much, but it was something I really wanted to say--to share with you.

"I just wish..." He pauses to sigh and then shakes his head. "You and I are far too much alike in some ways. I really wish that gave me more knowledge on how to help you, but it doesn't since I am still working through so many of my own problems. It is a long, difficult process."

It made Suzaku feel guilty again, that despite all of his own problems Diarmuid was still trying to help him. "You are helping..." He spoke quietly, "Thank you..." Even if he found it hard to understand he was grateful.

"I'm glad to hear that. I would hate to think I was inadvertently making things worse by pushing too hard," Diarmuid nods, then stands and holds a hand out to Suzaku to help the other man rise to his feet.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about? You don't have to, but I just wanted to ask. Anything. It doesn't even have to be all that serious. If it will help you feel better, I will listen."

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