towerofanimus | One failure too many... [open]

Entry tags:

One failure too many... [open]

Characters: Saber (Alter) and YOU
Setting: Floor 48 (Graveyard)
Format: Action (but I'll match)
Summary: Saber finds Irisviel's gravestone and loses control of her emotions
Warnings: Violence - ANY SERVANT ENTERING THE GRAVEYARD HAS A REAL CHANCE OF DYING VIA EXCALIBUR

[She should be used to not being allowed to have the things she wanted. After all those years being king, denying her emotions, ruling fairly and justly, and the time spent watching her once master with the woman she loved... she should be used to to it. Everything was always taken from her, no matter what she did to try and hold onto it.

Avalon, her kingdom, her knights, her ideals, her trust, her faith... All of it taken away because of her own failures. She'd lost Irisviel in the Fourth War, but had been granted a second chance with her. And yet, she still couldn't have what she wanted for Kiritsugu's ghost lingered even now, even here in the Tower, staying Saber's hand, making her swallow her emotion - her love - for the woman in white. Again, she had tried to be content as nothing more than Irisviel's knight and leave it at that. But it had been so hard with the taint of Angra Mainyu within her, making her feel all those emotions she suppressed so clearly. So, the knight had found other outlets to keep Irisviel pure, to not let her purity be stained by Saber's corruption. And Irisviel was a married woman; Saber could not and would not do what had been done to her back in Camelot. Circumstances may have been different then, but her honor would not allow her to walk the path Lancelot did.

But when Saber could not find Irisviel and instead found the gravestone bearing her name, everything came crashing down upon her at once.

Failure... failure... failure... She'd failed to keep Irisviel safe again. She'd failed to make her princess happy. She'd failed in her duty as a knight. Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Small moments of happiness, all she could ever have, were taken from her again. The one person who understood her as well as, if not better, than herself had disappeared. The loneliness inside of the Saber was a dark and hollow place. She was always lonely and in that emptiness surrounding her heart, Angra Mainyu sat and twisted and squeezed and poisoned Saber's heart. All the Evil of the World wrapped about Saber's core and fed on that emotion she suppressed.

Betrayal.

Failure.

Hatred.

Anger.

Sorrow.

Pain.

Longing.

Rage.

The longer Saber stood there looking down at the stone bearing the name of Irisviel von Einzbern, the more the taint coiled in that kernel of emotion.

Rage.

The evidence of her failure was right before her. The Tower Administrators were rubbing it right into her face.

Rage.

Mocking her. Taunting her. As if she wasn't suffering from self-castigation knowing her failure had sent Irisviel straight back to her death.

Rage.

Such an apt symbol of her failure - this gravestone - knowing Irisviel's fate. But it wasn't a real stone. Irisviel's body wasn't there underneath it. Irisviel had become the Holy Grail. The very thing Kiritsugu forced her against her will to destroy.

Rage.

She'd been the one to destroy Irisviel, to end her existence, commanded to by the man who supposedly loved her. Did he even love her as much as Saber did? Did he even acknowledge that she was there... And now, now, Irisviel was gone again. It was just like Saber had cleaved her in half again. The gravestone started to look to Saber like it was covered in mud as her emotions grew inside.

Rage.

Angra Mainyu coiled tighter and the emotionless king couldn't be emotionless anymore. She hated this place. Hated the stone before her. Hated the way everything she touched corroded and disintegrated. Her kingdom, her wishes, her desires, her hopes, her goals, her dreams... All of them crumbled in her grasp.

Rage.

Legend may call her a great king, the Once and Future King, that lead Britain to a time of golden prosperity, but she knew what she really was. She wasn't the King of Knights. She was the King of Nothing. Nothing... nothing... but RAGE.

Corrupt, dark prana flooded the graveyard then as the red marks of Angra Mainyu spread up Saber's neck and along her jaw and her armor materialized. Visor sliding down to cover her eyes, the black knight had little to no control over her prana, over her anger, as she raised her right hand.]

Excalibur.

[The black sword, tainted with her own corruption and pulling on the dark side of the fae, was summoned into hand. No Invisible Wind obscured the blade from sight. It glowed with a pulsing red and the swirling of dark violet prana around Saber traveled up the sword and then back down in opposite to the pulsing of the red.

She was the King of Nothing and Fuyuki City had been nothing. Her kingdom had become nothing. Her heart was well on its way to becoming nothing. Nothing but rage.

This graveyard should be NOTHING.

With a tremendous surge of prana, Saber activated her Noble Phantasm. The sword in her hand grew in length until it was hard to tell exactly how long it was. Power and corruption crackled along its length as the black knight wielded it like it was also nothing. The rage Angra Mainyu was squeezing out of her black heart was manifest in this version of her Noble Phantasm. Vortigern had indeed been a vile king of Britain before her father. His infamy was almost as famous as her legend.

She would smash everything to nothing. So it would be just like her. Just as all should be. Nothing. Then there would be nothing left to lose. Nothing left to fail.

Nothing.

And with that, Saber swung Excalibur and leveled the entire row of gravestones, Irisviel's included. Clearing a swath, she took another step and turned, cutting another row. Two more rows later, she turned back and saw that name on a stone behind her.

Irisviel von Einzbern.

Rage in her grew and she let out a primal scream as she cut the stone down again. Every few seconds, it would return, as did any other she destroyed. The more they returned, the more she was fueled by emotion to destroy them. Destroy them all.

Nothing... She wanted this place to be nothing. Why did it refuse to end? Unable to answer her own rage-filled question, Saber furiously destroyed row of gravestones after gravestones. It was unending. Neverending.

The stones just kept coming back...]

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No, I....

[The question caught her completely off guard. Irisviel had been dear to her, dear as Guinevere had been, but loving Gwen as Saber suggested was out of the question. Arturia had shut off her emotions so much by the time she'd come into the picture she had thought herself incapable of that sort of emotion.

That was why she'd been glad of Lancelot being able to step in where she could not. She may have been certain she'd not been in love with Guinevere, but she did care for her more deeply than she had anyone else in her life. Anything her Queen wished for was hers at her command. If Gwen had ever outright asked her to give up the deception she would have in a heartbeat for her happiness.

Despite her desire for the Grail, if Irisviel had asked her to take her and her family and flee the War, she would have. So great was her desire for Irisviel's happiness had been. And yet....

And yet it'd been Shirou who had snagged her heart, despite everything. Shirou who she had betrayed.]

I loved, but not her. And the time was so fleeting I do not even know if it was truly love at all.

[She's proud her voice isn't breaking like how it feels like her heart is breaking thinking about all those she'd held so close to her once upon a time and ultimately failed. It's the only bit of pride she has in that moment as she admits:]

I killed the man I loved.

Shirou...

[There couldn't have been any other man. Saber knew that. And she could see how the boy could have grown upon her had she been his Servant for longer than she had. Perhaps it was a good thing Saber's heart had never opened to Shirou before Sakura had blackened it with her choice.

She did not agree with Arturia's choice, nor could she imagine what had prompted her other self to kill him, but it left a bad taste in her mouth. Or was that her own blood from biting her lip so much?]

Did he love you back?

Yes.

[There was no doubt in her mind at all about that.]

He insisted on taking me on a date and everything. It was.... I kept trying to tell him it couldn't last. I was a Servant and there was nothing he could save. I could not stay with him beyond the Grail War. I could not give him a future like he kept talking about. Yet he was so sure about how he felt and....

[She swallows thickly, her throat tight as she looks away from Saber. It's hard even now to think about it, but Saber asked and now that she's started she can't stop. The only other people she'd told had been Diarmuid and Archer. If she can tell them, then she can tell her other self who had asked her so specifically about it.]

I shouldn't have let him take me on that date. I should have.... I should have stopped it, but.... I don't know. For the first time since I was a child I felt like a person when he kissed me and I.... I still don't know what I saw in him. He was such a child and yet....

Yet when I was at his table with him and Taiga and Sakura and Rin, whenever he insisted I sit with his friends at that able, I felt like I was truly wanted there. Not because I was king or a general or a Servant, but simply because I was Arturia. Irisviel....

[Here, her voice does break.]

If Kiritsugu had let her, I think Irisviel would have done the same thing. Welcomed me, welcomed us, to her table without a care for titles or power. Every time he insisted I wasn't just a tool for combat, he reminded me so much of her.

[Armor fading, Saber slid down the wall until she was seated and rest her arms on her legs, head bowed and shoulders slumped. Maybe her other self had loved Irisviel and just not realized it. It sounded as if that was the case.

But there was one very big difference here.]

...then you had a better existence than me. You know what it feels like to be loved. I do not.

And I never will.

[Saber wondered if she was even capable of tears. She felt like she should feel them then, but they weren't there. Had she locked the emotions back inside again now that her rage had been spent?]

No.

[Arturia sat down beside her other self, hesitant because she had no idea how to comfort people and it was surreal to comfort herself on such a subject. Especially after the advice she'd been given from her not even a month ago.

Her armor was dismissed and she did not care if that ridiculous dress got dirty or not: Whoever had decided she should carry out her duties to the world in it should be taken out to the stocks and lashed. All that mattered now, was comfort.

Awkwardly, she put an arm around Saber. If her other self resisted at all she knew to draw away, but the awkwardness kept her from thinking of her own feelings. This was not a time to worry about her own pain. This was a time to try and help someone she considered more a sister to her than her own sisters (curse their wretched souls to the seventh layer of hell) had been.]

Even if you were not loved, you never once hurt the one you loved. You never once broke the oath you made to the one you swore to protect and definitely not for a trinket that was filled with nothing but curses.

Furthermore, if we manage to get out of this tower, you have a future of some kind ahead of you, be it at your Master's side or simply because you will be able to find rest. And if it should be that we can continue to live after leaving this place, you will find love, somehow. If I could find someone to care for me like Shirou said he did even when I did not want it, then I know for sure you will.

[God, she is so bad at this. Part of her wonders if Saber will just gut her through right there (again) for saying something so childishly optimistic.]

[There wasn't any resistance to the arm about her, though she did tense some. It felt very odd. She was the one holding the other in need of comfort, and she knew she was bad at it. She'd always believed getting comfort from herself was like hugging a rock.

And now she knew it to be true.]

You gave up your honor. [A statement. Her other self was no longer a knight.] And I will forever be stuck in this damned war. I have not won the Holy Grail, nor will I give it up. I will live this cycle over and over and over and over.

And any time I think I could have something for myself, something that is mine and mine alone, it is taken from me. You would think I would be used to not having the things I want by now. But this is my punishment. My penance.

Yes, I did.

[She isn't even going to try and deny it. There was a reason she no longer called herself a knight, nor even a king. Now even her other self knew the exact reason why.

and, seriously, this is like hugging a rock. Or a rock trying to hug another rock. What had she been thinking? Was Saber ever okay with this?]

What would you do with the Grail if you won it? [She's very certain by this point it's not for Camelot. Especially now that she has living proof of how the wish would be twisted sitting next to her. Especially now that she knows firsthand what is in the Grail itself.]

Free myself.

[Saber hasn't voiced her altered wish to anyone before. Not even to Sakura. Not directly, at least.]

Free myself from the shackles I bound myself in that day I drew the sword from the stone. Chivalry, Honor, Royalty... They have brought be nothing but despair. Outdated things that have no place because humanity is defined by blood and betrayal. I cannot break my code no matter how much I want to. I cannot. As much as I try, I cannot rid myself of the silver knight. Of the pathetic child that had been playing at being king, with eyes full of hope and ideal. Foolish ideals brought to life through silver chains and empty rooms and a lonely heart.

And I am tired of it. Just so... tired.

Edited 2013-03-26 06:04 (UTC)

[She leans her head against Saber's and nods. She knows, if she ever got a chance at the Holy Grail War, she'd want the same thing, the exact same thing. To be free of duty and pain and loneliness and the fighting. So much fighting the only reason she's kept it up at all in the Tower is because she has nothing else, nothing at all.

Even her foolish attempts to live honorably despite what she did was because she had no idea just how else to live. It was a farce, how she played at the knight despite no longer being one.]

I'd want the same thing if I had the chance.

[If she knew the Grail wouldn't bring unspeakable ruin alongside her wish this time around.]

You had the chance. You chose otherwise. Your eyes had not been opened.

[Saber closed her eyes then and drew in a deep breath.] I do not fault you for your ignorance, Wart.

[She smiles. A sad and lonely smile and she was convinced she would have tears if she hadn't already wept bitterly on her first day here when everything hit her at once and she had a chance to properly think for the first time in what may have been centuries.

But, hearing that, it feels like a weight has been lifted off her chest. That, perhaps, Camelot's destruction truly was an accident and not her own fault. How could she have known the Grail's true nature? How could she have known that her wish to save Camelot would ultimately destroy it?]

And I do not fault you for anything, Arturia.

[Saber had not asked to be tainted and, given how much control of her self she had, she had managed better than anyone else in her position might. And, by her own admission, she had a future to go back to if her wish was granted. Something Arturia would see happen one way or another. She just had to get everyone free of this tower and save the worlds first.

Somehow.]

She would fault you for anything either.

Edited 2013-03-26 06:27 (UTC)

...I killed a Servant here. Before you found me.

[Her brow furrowed.]

I am not sure who.

Do you remember anything about the battle itself?

[Or was it similar to the madness that had consumed the Berserkers? If it was a noble warrior, he would seek answers and understand the situation and, if not, then she knew Saber would be able to protect herself from that servant.]

It was quick. He was fast.

...Lancer class?

I'll check on Diarmuid later. He's the only Lancer I know of here.

[Then again, she's never actively sought out the people from their world.]

Do you remember anything else?

Cu Chulainn is here, as well. He is not from our Fifth War but another Fifth War. One where the King of Knights truly is a man.

[She shakes her head.] Nothing else. It was fast. Two strikes of Excalibur, I think.

I see. [That.... is a can of worms she isn't sure she wants to deal with. A world in which she had been a man? Would she have still looked like herself? Or resembled Gawain? Or even her father? Much as she often wished she were a man, she had always had trouble picturing it. Even Merlin did that damn spell it'd been so strange she'd rejected it. At least, that's what she can remember. It's still disturbing to find these holes in her memories even if she understoof that was what time simply did.]

So, when you're like that, you really can't think at all?

[A stupid question, but she's getting curious about the taint Saber has to bear.]

[Saber frowned.]

This is the first time I have been unable to suppress the rage. I can think... It is not madness like the Berserker class. But it is... strong.

[Her hand touches the spread marks on her neck and jaw. She didn't even realize it was up to her cheek then.]

....what's it like? If you don't mind telling me.

[The curse. The taint upon her other self's skin. She's heard bits and pieces about it before, but never the full story, never any of the details.]

I do not know if I can describe it well. [She thinks for a moment.]

Picture a poisoned knife driven into your heart. You have two choices then. You can pull the knife free before the poison sets in, but to do so is to perish for your heart will bleed out. The other choice is to leave the knife there and heal around it. You still live, you still continue on, but the poison on the knife is continually leeching into your body. It first consumes your heart, infects your soul and then tries to eat at your mind.

Out of all three, there is only one willpower can stave off. It is the only think that keeps you from becoming a ravening monster.

[She looks over toward the stairs where Illyasviel had been earlier.]

Berserker was claimed by the taint as I was. But without a mind to resist it... [She shook her head.] He was covered from head to toe with the mark of Angra Mainyu.

[And that must be why the mark grew. Arturia fights the urge to touch the marks. She knows how many liberties she's taking just by putting an arm about her, but to hear it like that....

At least Arturia still had her mind, even if she no longer had control of her body when called upon. At least her heart and soul were still in tact. Ragged, yes. Worn thin, yes, but still in tact. She did not have something constantly eating at her very being, something she needed to stave off at all times lest it consume her. And then the thought of Hercules being consumed by the same thing, unable to fight due to his mind being consumed is downright horrifying.

....part of her wonders if the people of Camelot went through the same thing when Angra Mainyu consumed them.]

And you mentioned before you had methods to help keep it at bay? [She's thinking back to the bar.]

I apologize if I'm prying into matters you'd rather not talk about. Please let me know if you wish me to stop.

Outlets. Indulgences. Ways to let the darkness out in a safe manner. Bleeding some of the prana off at times...

[She falls silent for a moment.]

Sakura is here. That will help. It had become hard to deal with as of late.

I shall have to speak to her then. Make sure she's well. If you need any assistance protecting her, please, let me know.

[Sakura had been a good friend to her and now that she knew more about the girl's situation, the more she wished to protect her. She had been a dear friend of Shirou's, Rin's sister, and kind to Arturia herself in her world. The least she could do is help protect her.

And she knows Saber would kill her before she could hurt her Master.]

As to your outlets, if there's any way I can help you with them, do not be afraid to ask that of me as well.

[She thinks it's more along the lines of sparring matches and potentially being a human pincushion.]

I do not know if you can help. I am sure I do things you would never do. The taint does make me see things differently.

Such as what?

[Well. She remembers hearing about the various relationships on her post, but she keeps that to herself. Surely it can't involve the sort of things she, Rin, and Shirou had to do in order to survive fighting against Berserker.]

One failure too many... [open]

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assuming that's supposed to be 'wouldn't' at the end there...

Yep. My bad on that.

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OOC