towerofanimus | ❝I can't help but fear I've done this wrong❞

Entry tags:

❝I can't help but fear I've done this wrong❞

Characters Willow (

wwaterboy). CLOSED.
Setting: Initially the floor with the pool, but somewhere else after that.
Format: Action tags, I guess?
Summary: Massively backdated, the fallout of Willow fighting the Grand Highblood and getting a little darker with her magic than she should.
Warnings: Grief and addiction recovery, like normal, and also probably mentions of graphic violence.

[Willow hadn't let herself react to what she was doing while she was doing it. She knows how crises work, has gone through so many of them it doesn't make her head ring anymore, barely makes her freeze at all. But her preferred survival technique of putting off the consequences has a price: it all hits her at once, crashes around her ears and into her head the second she turns to leave the pool room, threat taken care of. Her bag is left carelessly forgotten on the floor behind her in a smear of purple and indigo blood, just a dab of red.

She has to hold it together, she can't lose it yet. She's not in the clear. Her voice is still flat, as it'd been while she was grandstanding and fighting and flinging magic around, but now it's lined with tension.] It's time to leave, [she says, stopping almost to the door with her back to the room. She's stopping to wait for Eridan.] I'm done here.

[She doesn't think she can do this any longer.]

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[Eridan has just watched the girl he is starting to really, really like, take the Highblood apart. Literally.

It wasn't pretty.

One might have assumed that, as a troll, particularly of the violent castes, something like that would be normal. But while Eridan has always been fine during fights, it was always after that he got the shakes, as the reaction set in and the fear and horror all came back to hit him at once like a freight train.

He jerks at the sound of her voice. Remembers what that voice can do. He grabs her bag and his and scrambles after her, still mostly nude, his skin streaked with indigo and purple blood]

[They've slipped out the door just moments later, and she starts down the stairs. Her head is muzzy, thoughts swirling. She barely notices anything happening around her, just focuses on one stair at a time, still steeped in magic.

On the next landing she abruptly stops, and turns to face him. There's something brittle to her, now, like she hasn't realized she can turn off the adrenaline and let it all go.] You... I need to heal you. You're hurt.

[Her eyes focus, and her fear starts to trickle through, at long last.] I shouldn't be doing all this magic, but you-- you're hurt-- I can't let you get hurt, why are you still hurt? [It's so hard to think, to put anything together when her mind is still swirling with Tara's gone forever and the mindless rush of power.]

[Eridan's pretty oblivious to a lot right now, too. His hands are shaking and his stomach clenching, but he still needs to get through this, get back to his respite block, where he's safe.

But she speaks and he looks up, eyes a little wide. Only he sees her fear, and he moves instinctively. Some might have retreated and cringed away after what he saw, but her need moves him forward.

He lifts his hands and cups her cheek, meeting her eyes with his and looking straight into them]

I'm fine, Wwill. Come dowwn, noww. It's ovver. Evverythin' is just fine. You savved me.

[As he speaks, he slips his other arm around her and hugs her gently, though he keeps looking into her eyes, keeps her focus on his face, and smiles]

[How does he always seem to know exactly what she needs? Soft physical contact, and he's smiling, like she hadn't done anything wrong. Like it was okay.

Willow crumples into his arm, heart racing but paralyzed by his focus. She can't be strong anymore, she can't.] You can't leave me here alone, [she says helplessly, heedless of where they are, of anything that isn't pleading for her life not to repeat itself again.] You have to stay saved, okay?

[He supports her, his arms strong and gentle at once. Though his own legs were shakey a moment before, he's calm and steady now. He nuzzles against her cheek, stroking down her spine with one hand as he supports her with the other]

You wwere amazin', Wwill. An I wwon't leavve you alone, not evver, if you wwant me.

I wasn't amazing, [she objects, leaning into him and wrapping her arms around his bare skin, uncaring of the blood that gets on her clothes. Silent tears form in her eyes from the sheer stress, and make their way down her cheeks unseen as she hides her face against his hair.] You don't understand, it's so easy to take power like that. I get-- I get lost.

I was so scared I wouldn't come back.

Shooooosh. [He cuddles her close, that hand moving to her hair and stroking. He'd thumb her horns a little but she doesn't have any, and he's not really sure what else to do, so he's just struggling to bridge the gap between troll and human comforting language]

You're back noww. You wwere lost, but noww you're back. You're strong an' perfect, an' so beautiful. An' you'vve showwed that Highblood wwhat for, that he can't mess wwith us. You'vve got nothin' to be ashamed of, so far as I'm concerned.

[She feels her throat tighten at his words, and her arms tighten around him, too. For several long moments she shakes and lets herself believe what he's saying. Despite the gap between troll and human, it's enough to calm her. Willow's breath slows, gradually, though her heart is still beating fast from all the emotion.

Then she pushes herself back away from him to look into his eyes, the translucent tears shining on her skin and her hands gripping his arms.] I do want you, [she says in a quiet tone, gaze unwavering.] I couldn't be this strong without you here. [Without his belief in her, and his steadiness right now.]

[She's not nearly as wild as Feferi when she's in one of her rages. Eridan keeps expecting her to get worse, but instead it seems that she's getting better. He brushes aside one of her strange, clear tears, and replaces it with a light kiss, hoping that she won't think it too far in her current state.]

I'd be dead wwithout you. I'm here for you, no matter wwhat. They couldn't pry me off you wwith a crowwbar. I'm like your owwn personal limpet.

[She doesn't think it too far. Something about the drawn out struggle she'd just been through, internal as well as external, has put things in perspective for Willow. It seems ridiculous to keep worrying about things she can't control, when the things in her control are such a mess. She hadn't turned Tara away because she was female-- why should she do the opposite now? Why should she be worrying about Kennedy, when she isn't here and might even be dead with the rest of her world?

There's so much uncertainty, and she has no one from home here. She has nothing to hold onto, and Willow has never been very good at holding onto herself. Maybe it's fast, and it's definitely selfish, but she doesn't care. There's no one here to tell her otherwise and ask her what she's doing, no one that knows a thing about her that she hasn't told them.

She needs something. Right now, she needs him. And while she doesn't want to get ahead of herself, it's been something like a month since she met him. She's done overthinking this, as of right now, as well as she can.

It takes her a moment as she's processing all this, and the act itself reorients her. What is she doing, standing here on a stairwell, making Eridan take care of her when it had been both of them going through that? The taking care of needs to be mutual.]

Let's get off the stairs. My room, maybe. [One of her hands trails down his arm until it finds his, and she laces their fingers together. Calmer, much calmer, but not ready to level out yet.] By the time we get there I might have figured out what I could say that'd live up to how amazing you are. [Willow wants so badly to return how supportive he's been, to make sure he feels as safe as she does.]

[He can sense her calm returning, and isn't surprised when she pulls away. He is surprised when she takes his hand, and suggests her room, but he doesn't allow hope to overwhelm him. He's tired, and still a bit in shock, for one thing. And for another, he's far more focused on what Willow needs right now, which is not a lovesick fishertroll mooning over her.

He smiles awkwardly, ducking his head]

I don't knoww if I'm that amazin'. But I do thing wwe should get to somewwhere more privvate and comfortable, if you're ready to wwalk again. You don't need to make anythin' up to me, Wwill.

[Willow happens to be very fond of lovesick fishertroll now that she isn't panicking about her circumstances, and has more or less accepted her feelings and the situation. She's much more comfortable than she was during their talk in the infirmary, though she's not entirely at ease yet.

She's calmed, but there's still something nagging at her, beneath everything, that she's ignoring. A remnant of the violence that was weighing on her, and preventing her from speaking with her normal levity and earnestness. Guilt. Senseless and irrational as it was, she pushes it aside for the time being.

A slight hint of a smile at his deflection, the best she can manage, but she's more sure than ever.] I'm ready, [she says, tugging him gently toward the stairs, not intending to let go.] It's not that I want to make it up to you. I just... want to. Cause someone told me you might like hearing these things said out loud.

[That someone being him, of course.]

[He has no idea what she's talking about, but he's more than happy to follow her. His initial uncertainty of her in the wake of what he saw her do has gone, but the shakes are starting to come back, as his body remembers the fight and the fear he had felt.

He grips her hand tightly and starts up the stairs. Always before he had isolated himself until the shakes were over. That was never a problem, because Feferi and Sollux had never been around after a fight in some dirty alley.

He could get through this, though. He'd make sure Willow was really okay, then go somewhere to have a small breakdown. And then he'd be fine.]

Wwell, either wway, let's go to your respite block, and wwe can talk about it there.

Okay, [she answers agreeably, starting to feel her exhaustion and half-forgetting what they'd been talking about in the first place. Although Willow is too dazed to quite notice his shaking with her looking ahead and their hands held so tightly, she does realize that his whole tone is different, now that she isn't distressed. It's hard to put her finger on, but... he seems like he isn't all there.

It's easier to come back to herself more fully when she has someone else to focus on. Willow glances over at him sidelong as they descend, assessing. She doesn't want to say anything until they're safely alone, but she is thinking.

They go on like this until they reach her room, and she opens the door for them, peeking in to make sure none of her roommates are around. The only one she's really worried about is Aradia-- the other two she's hardly even met, they're around so rarely. But luckily, it's empty.]

Coast's clear.

Edited 2012-01-20 06:15 (UTC)

[He forgot Aradia was living here, too, and he looks around nervously as they enter the room. He doesn't know Aradia very well, and though she was kind to him when he was in the hospital, he doesn't really want to do this with an audience.

Whatever 'this' is.

He enters with Willow and closes the door. He hasn't been here before, so he glances around to try to figure out which section of the room is hers]

[It's fairly obvious which is hers, back along the far wall. Neatly kept, there's a couple stacks of library books on her night stand, one left open; a line of candles and a rose quartz sit beside them. Her bed is somewhat messily made, and just the sight of it makes her exhale, some of the frantic adrenaline leaving her.

There's a Scooby procedure for what to do after things like this, and first things come first.] We should clean ourselves up. I don't want to stay like this. [In these clothes with blood all over her, and he probably wants to actually put something on, she figures. But Willow hesitates, turning to face him, hand still clasped with his.]

If we do that... can-- can you come back afterwards?

[She wishes they could just sit with each other and talk, and process what had happened and was about to happen, but the mundanities of life interfered like they always did. While Willow could wave her hand and fix everything with magic, clothes and all, she doesn't want to use any more magic right now. She barely wants to consider it.]

[Eridan looks around, slowly gravitating towards the bed that seemed like Willow's. But then he paused, and turned back towards her. A part of him desperately wanted to go, but he felt weird about having just arrived, and now he was supposed to leave]

Yeah, yeah, I'd better go for a bit. [He turned and headed for the door a bit too quickly] I'll be back. Uh. Wwith clean clothes. An' less blood on me.

[It was abrupt, but she needed to get clean, needed some kind of separation between her and what she'd done. Willow doesn't want to see the highblood wrecked by her violence every time she closes her eyes, the smell of blood thick around her.

The fact that it means he has to leave, temporarily... she reaches out to grab him before he can quite get out the door, a bit jerkily. As much as it seems she's composing herself bit by bit, there's a plateau, a point she can't move past.] Don't take too long, [she implores unsurely, like she has to push herself into being demanding.] You're right next door-- I'll come over if I have to. You shouldn't be alone right now, either.

[And she lets go of him.]

[Yeah, yeah, he doesn't want to leave for long. He just has to react, and then he'll be back. He wants to come back, and he just hopes she still wants him back by the time he's done.

In preparation for the panic attack he's about to have, he has already started to close himself off, but as she touches him, he freezes. He shivers, then turns and hugs her as tightly as he can.]

[... Oh no. She'd known this had to be coming, done this so many times before with so many friends. Cleaning up is not happening; he's so much more important.

It's funny, how her own mind clears the second she has someone she cares about to worry over, but it does.] Oh, sweetie, [she whispers, folding him into a hug without hesitation, a hand resting on the back of his neck and threading gently with his hair.] It's okay, it's all okay. I've got you. You did great.

[Shit...shit, he hadn't meant to do that, but now she's calling him 'sweetie', which is the most magical thing, and she's stroking his hair.

He begins to shake, and to bury his face against her neck. There are no tears, but he is clinging to her as his knees go weak and his breathing sounds like a combination of a popping sound and a sob, as his gills suck in air with the force of it.]

I wwould a died...

[That sounds is worrisome at first until she places it, and although it makes her sad to hear it, this whole experience settles something in her. Willow knows, now, that she's not going to regret any of this. Not really.]

But you didn't, [she soothes, holding him steadily.] I won't let anything happen to you, you're safe. You're safe now. Just let it all out.

No, I'vve...I'vve got to go. [He suddenly tries to extricate himself. He can't break down like this, not in front of anyone. This isn't like in the hospital, it's worse than that, and he has never broken down in front of anyone before.] I need... I just need a minute. I gotta, go do somethin'.

[Willow lets him detangle himself, but in the process she takes one of his wrists lightly, the grip easily broken. She doesn't want to let him go-- she's getting more and more worried at his reaction, and when she speaks it's almost pleading.]

It's okay when I have to cry, but not when you do? Eridan... what are you afraid of? It's just me.

I'm not afraid!

[He snaps the words, baring his shark's teeth for a moment in reflex.

But immediately a horrified look comes over him and he twists his hand around, breaking her hold on his wrist and taking her hand in one motion. He closes his eyes and hunches, squeezing. A bit of the panic has faded, at least.]

It's not you, I just... I don't knoww... I'vve got to be strong.

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