towerofanimus | Never got to thank him

Entry tags:

Never got to thank him

Characters: Enoch and anyone (attn: a certain other two who received a certain thing)
Setting: Various places throughout the day
Format: I'm starting in prose but I'll match you.
Summary: Enoch has never dealt well with loss...
Warnings: I don't know if grief counts as a warning. Gory details may be brought up in comments?

Room 3-18, 5am

Enoch has been awake all night, kneeling in front of his trunk. How does one sleep after something like that? He's been trying to leave his roommates undisturbed as much as he could, weeping quietly if he couldn't hold it in, occasionally raising his face to the ceiling, mouth open in a silent scream of anguish and despair.

He has three feedback forms in front of him on the trunk, and he's been scratching at one of them the entire time. He had to reach out to those who wouldn't know what it's like, the pain of loss...but he ended up putting more thought into it than he believed he ever would.

When he gets up and leaves the room an hour later, it's with only one of them in hand.

Mailroom(F78), 7am

He checks it every morning, even though there's rarely anything in it. Having a routine helps in a place like this.

But he wasn't expecting what he found in his. He reads the letter he's recieved three times before carefully folding it and putting it in his pocket. He leans on the wall of boxes, rubbing an eye puffy and dark from crying and lack of sleep.

Burn his last words...? He understood, but... He sank down to the floor, a fresh wave of grief bringing tears to eyes he thought he'd cried dry earlier that morning.

Sauna(F77), 7:30am

And what should he notice immediately downstairs but something that seemed out of place to him somehow. It took some moments, punctuated with sniffs to keep himself from crying again, before he looked around and realized where he'd seen it - or where he hadn't.

"I'm sorry..." he says to the first resident he sees, his voice hoarse. "What is this level meant to be?"

Cafeteria(F1), 12:30pm

Enoch seems to have finally found sleep. There's a bowl of tomato soup that seems as if only a quarter of it has been eaten, and Enoch has passed out face-down beside it, spoon still clasped loosely in the hand that hangs at his side. The ends of some of his hair on that side have dipped into the bowl.

Outdoor Forest(F32), 4:30pm

If you saw him in the cafeteria, it's clear he didn't sleep long, considering he's up here now. He's wrapped up in his cloak, standing before a fire. It's a small fire, kindled by whatever he could find; the remnants of a few odd pieces of wood from wherever are visible at the edges of the flame.

He's got that letter out again, and he reads it over and over, mouth moving subtly, but not actually forming the words on the page.

Eventually, he reaches out his hand, and drops the letter into the fire.

Then Enoch kneels, his head bowed and hands clasped, and prays with the intent of being heard for the second time in the tower, for the third time since leaving Earth.

Lord, if you can hear me, if you are alive to hear me, if you have any hold over this world, please see Dax's soul to its rightful place, be it with his ancestors or on to reincarnation, or...elsewhere. If demons should have claim to it, please try to wrest it from them. I am ever your faithful servant. Please answer me, if you can. Please...

He doesn't realize he's shaking and crying until he comes out of this state, and he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, sitting down to watch the flames dance, his face blank and eyes at the meeting point of exhaustion, fear, sorrow, and anger.

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Tohko, in a bad attempt to calm herself down and plan for the future, had grabbed her notebook and walked to the thirty-second floor. She would have gone to the meadow..but she figured that a change of pace would do her good.

However, when she saw Enoch, sitting before a fire, she sighed and quietly sat beside him. Had he gotten her letter? And, if not, what could she say that wasn't repetitive?

She didn't know. Words, for once, had failed her. All she could do was sit beside Enoch and sigh, knowing that they were probably both devastated.

He hadn't. He only checked once a day, after all. At first, he was silent when Tohko sat beside him, his only reaction to draw his knees up to his chest.

Dax had been their only ally on the inside. Someone who fought for their every need in as many ways as he was allowed...and then eventually broke free of what was allowed for their sakes, at the cost of his life.

"He gave his life for the truth. For us..."

Tohko sighed and nodded in response. She saw that he drew his knees up to his chest-and was reminded of Romeo for a moment-but said nothing of it.

"He really was a kind man..he gave everything he could, right up to the end..it's a shame..I was planning on cooking him some food and giving it to him next month. I guess that won't happen now. He really deserved it."

Romeo was almost a miniature version of him in ways. It isn't surprising.

"...I wanted to thank him for all he'd done. I never had a chance. I...always had too many questions to ask him."

And he'd died answering questions that had never been asked. That Enoch himself had managed to answer on his own.

Enoch may have managed to figure out those answers, but other people who hadn't been to their worlds or to the basement of the Tower hadn't known at all.

"..I don't think there are too many questions you can ask, considering this place. But it is terrible that we never could thank him..and that he had to die like that."

Tohko sighed again.

He could have spread those answers, of course, but...even then, some would not have believed. Many did not believe Dax spoke the truth until he showed everyone he would go so far as to give up his life for them.

"...He seemed to have such an advantage at first...for an hour, I thought...he would save us from her. I hoped..."

And Tohko was the sort of person who believed Dax up to a point, as he may have lied due to not wanting to face the backlash from Ruana. Of course, it was obvious now that he wasn't that sort of person, but Tohko was the sort who would keep hoping until it was obvious that she could no longer do so.

"So did I..but I guess, in the end, Ruana was stronger..or she got Riki so scared that he wouldn't step in to help his friend."

To Tohko, the two had looked like friends when she had seen them on the network.

"Even Riki called him 'soft'. I'm...not certain anyone else would fight for our cause."

They did seem on much better terms than any other two of their hosts did, except for Ruana and Zo. But even then, even there, Zo seemed afraid of her at times, when things seemed to be going sour, when things could go terribly wrong...

"I'm not sure Riki would fight for us..but even if Riki thought him soft, he didn't seem to hate him. After all..he did defend Zo."

Something popped into Tohko's head and she sighed again.

"..It's odd though..a few weeks ago, you thought that Dax might have died. Even though we had some hope that he would be alright..in the end, you were right."

Edited 2013-03-02 10:29 (UTC)

"We should have taken it as an omen... That Dax would speak out against Ruana aloud to his colleague... His patience with her and our situation was wearing thin."

That Dax would've said it to Riki, though... Maybe Tohko was right, and he could be trusted.

"We should have..but I'm terrible with getting the proper interpretation to these things sometimes, and you took it for something else. Granted..you got the correct end result..but neither of us thought he would talk to Riki. I thought the two acted like friends or close colleges, but that might have been just me."

Maybe he could have. After all, Dax didn't mention Riki in his list of complaints to Ruana. He specifically mentioned the monsters and Jason..but not him.

Edited 2013-03-03 18:24 (UTC)

"Riki might have sympathy for our grief... But I don't think we can expect any more help from the inside. He seems indifferent to us, and he thinks nothing of 'distracting' us if he thinks there's going to be a need for it."

At least, though...at least he wasn't like Jason or...especially not like Ruana.

Tohko sighed and nodded.

"..We probably can't expect any obvious help from him, but he might try to help out in the shadows due to the sympathy. You're right though-we can't ask him for any help in the future or count on it to be given."

"I want to believe both the remaining men would help us if it meant being free of Ruana's tyranny. But...we can depend on neither."

They were unpredictable, and if everyone had spoken the truth in the past then it's the only life they've ever known. Only Dax had ever seemed aware it was wrong...and by Riki's remark, that he'd gone soft, he wasn't always that way.

Enoch took a deep breath.

"Someone said on the network once, that people will often choose a familiar oppression over an unfamiliar freedom."

"..I think Jason would much rather take Ruana's place. We can depend on him even less than we can depend on Riki or Zo."

..And if Enoch was to remind Tohko of that fact, she would start searching for what had changed Dax so that she could change Riki as well. Maybe. However, since he hadn't mentioned that, all she did was sigh before replying to his last statement.

"..That sounds like something Wilhelm might say..but you know, if the oppression gets too much to bear, if people don't like it, they could choose the unfamiliar over the familiar. I guess it boils down to whether you believe humanity can make the right choices or not, even if they are afraid."

"I do believe we can make the right choices. But in the case of only two men who have just been reminded of the power of their oppressor...

"I think that if they even consider the choice, choosing it will be very difficult. It is why we can't rely on them - we may rely on Riki to show no malice. But...for help...no."

Tohko sighed and scratched her head.

"I agree that we can't rely on Riki to help us out right now. Unless the situation dramatically improves, he'll probably show us less malice and try to help us out in the shadows..or when he feel safe enough to do so. We can't rely on him now.

What I am hoping is that we might be able to rely on him later. That's all."

Enoch doubted Riki would help from the shadows at all - that was what Dax had been doing, up until he'd had enough and emerged from them.

Perhaps someday he would. Perhaps the prospect of being...less palatable to Ruana would be a good contributing motivation.

But to Enoch, now, it seemed as if it was...very unlikely.

"He thinks nothing of playing with our minds for a 'distraction', when simply posting guards would do. I doubt we will have another Dax for years to come."

The possibility of Riki helping out seemed low to Tohko too..but her hope in him was a bit higher than Enoch's. She wasn't placing any eggs in that direction..but she would keep hoping that Riki might decide to work secretly in the shadows if he felt safe enough.

If.

"..I admit, that was cruel, and while there are a couple of reasons he might not have been able to not harm us, he's probably done similar things in the past. And..Enoch, Dax is dead. He isn't coming back. People, even clones, can't ever fully replace the one that's died or been lost. However, we do have kind residents here..and, maybe someday, Riki will change."

Tohko sighed again.

"Hopefully."

Enoch buried his face in his hands. It was all too raw and recent for patience to be a factor.

"You haven't heard that expression, have you? Do you truly think I would believe there would truly be another Dax, identical to the real man?"

A sigh into his palms. Having the death brought up was painful in its own right...

Tohko paused for a moment, taking in those words and sighed. If Enoch allowed it, she would place a hand on his shoulder and keep it there.

"..No..I don't. I'm sorry..that was stupid to say. I forgot for the moment who exactly I was talking to."

She then sighed again. She knew she had written this down earlier..but, if he hadn't gotten the note yet, there was nothing wrong with saying it.

"..I also owe you another apology. Back when you returned from Meridian, I said..that everything you experienced could have been an illusion. I apologize. That was cruel of me to say, even if I was filled with false hope at the time."

Enoch did allow it.

He had to wonder, though, if she kept particularly unobservant or dim-witted company.

"It's all right. I was guilty of telling some people it likely wasn't real, as well, in the hopes it would cheer them. I hadn't yet experienced it for myself..."

Sadly, some of the people Tohko knew weren't the brightest..but she was just so used to explaining things, no matter who, that it had popped in, even here. Even with a person who already understood.

At that, Tohko sighed and nodded.

"Right..I suppose you'll have to apologize to them later, if you haven't already."

"If there is a later. I don't think they're here anymore..."

Which is all the worse, isn't it? That they're on the ruins of their world, and when they come back there will still be people telling them it wasn't real, none of it was real...

Well..that was pretty horrible. Which was putting it mildly. It was torture, being stuck in a dead universe like that.

"..Hopefully they'll come back soon so that we can help them then."

Floor 32

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