towerofanimus | it's the end of the world as we know it

Entry tags:

it's the end of the world as we know it

Characters: William Birkin
Setting: Floor 1
Format: I'll follow you, but action would be mighty nice
Summary: Birkin just showed up and he wants to know what the fuck kinda crap happened to him this time.
Warnings: None

[Birkin always figured he'd have a hand in the apocalypse. Though he definitely thought he'd end up being the cause of it rather than just living through it, somehow or another.

...Though it was probably just another virus anyway. Annoying things. He poked his head out of his room, looking both ways down the hallway. Might as well look for someone he recognized.]

Franken you can't just leave me behind like this, you asshat! [His voice merely echoed back at him. Certainly a bit unnerving, but he'd find him eventually. The guy's labcoat ended up in his trunk or whatever anyway.] Issei?! ...Sher? ...Creepy alien kids...?

[He started walking, slight frown on his face.] Regene?! Wesker? ...Papadachi are you back by any chance?

Guys, seriously... This isn't funny anymore...

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That does sound memorable, [she rushes to say, perfectly earnestly,] but still pulling a big ol' no.

Sometimes that happens here, though it's never happened to me. You must know a different Willow. You don't have to start over and pretend you don't know me, but... maybe give me a recap?

[Birkin buries his face in his hands and groans pathetically for a moment] Alright, sure... There's this internet community that... Does weird shit with computer viruses and drags people from different universes together to chat and such. ...Oh and I talked to you once when you were a vampire.

...Did you get better or should I start running?

[... An internet community? That gets a strange look out of her, but hey, Willow probably shouldn't throw stones.

--Wait, vampire what?] I was never a vampire! [she protests instantly, offended and derailed entirely from the original conversation.] That was just me from a different dimension! But this me, never a vamp, no way, no sir. So just put that thought out of your mind-- I'm plain old witchy Willow, very much human.

...You know, if I didn't go through all that I've gone through, I wouldn't believe the different dimension thing for a second. [He sighs.]

It's funny, where I live now, witches are anything but human. Well, I don't know if that's really funny, but... I don't know what I'm even saying, sorry, I have this tendency to babble when I get nervous.

It's okay, you're in good company on the babbling.

[Willow shoots him a sympathetic look.] What say you give me your name, and I'll show you around?

It's Birkin. William Birkin. [He extends a hand, trying to smile a bit] Nice to meet you.

And I guess really I never exactly met you before either, now that I'm thinking about it; I just talked to the vampire version of you. It was mostly Stein who knew you and I just heard about you from him.

[She shakes his hand and manages a more successful smile than his.] Well, hopefully I can make a better impression than vampire me. She is a, uh... handful.

So I knew Stein over there, too, huh? I've only met her since I got here.

[Handful is a bit of an understatement, but Birkin's had his fair share Horrible Alternate Mutated Self moments so he can hardly blame Willow too much for the vampire's behavior.]

Yeah, I think he was teaching you martial arts at some point? ...Wait hang on. Did you just say "her"?

Martial arts, me? [There's a bit of a weird look here, which is amplified by the pronoun conundrum.]

Hang on a second, she's male where you're from? Did the multiverse just play fifty-two pick up with us today or what?

Yeah, the last time I checked "she" definitely had a penis. ...God Stein would make an absolutely horrific girl, though. [Visible shudder.]

And in my experience, the multiverse is in a perpetual game of fifty-two pick up. So much so that they have about twelve different decks on the floor and they don't even bother picking the cards back up.

I thought she was pretty attractive, actually. ... N-Not that you heard that from me!

That sounds about right. You'll fit in well around here.

[Slowly a smirk forms on Birkin's face] Well I don't want 'er; one Stein is enough for anyone, thank you.

But friendly word of advice: If you go out on a date with her, you're going to want to get pretty plastered the first few times. Also, don't eat maybe... What's the right number for surgery...? Like, eight to twelve hours beforehand? And if you've never used local anesthetic before, find someone who has some handy and just mess around with it a bit; coming down off of that stuff is basically the worst, especially when you're not used to it.

Oh! And no ibuprofen - it's a blood thinner and makes you leak. Use acetaminophen. [William J. Birkin: Love Doctor]

[Her eyes narrow, but she lets him finish this essay before she retorts.]

Sorry to burst your bubble, but she's already asked to dissect me, and I said no, and she respected that. And I have a boyfriend, so I'm not available!

I wasn't interested in her to start with, just... appreciative. I can be appreciative!

She didn't just soulzap you and go to town? I wish I was drinking something so I could spit it out and more properly convey the emotion I am feeling by this shocking revelation.

And trust me; I know you can be appreciative. I'm appreciative of many other people myself! ...W-well. Not. Not many. That makes me sound like such an ass... [Nervous laugh. How does I people?]

Not at all-- she's been pretty nice, and interested in not-crazy witches like myself. Is, uh, Mr. Dr. Stein not the same way?

[Willow has tolerated far more scandalous comments from Xander with little more than wry look, so Birkin isn't about to phase her.] As long as it's just appreciating, there's nothing wrong with it. Not that I would necessarily advertise it, either.

Oh no, he's lovely, but. The second time I met him in person, I got drunk with him and a few things led to a few others and to make a long story short he was inside of me in more ways than one and I became an alcoholic for a bit out of necessity to blot out the thoughts of "Birkin, my good man, what have you done with your life? What are you doing? Stop that this instant, you are better than this."

...Uh. I mean. He's. He's really not as bad as I'm making him sound right now! I'm just used to complaining! I complain a lot. Heeeeeh...

[Awkward throat clearing is a go.] Sooooo you're a witch! That explains why she's interested in you. My Stein at least finds them very interesting, more so with the variety that isn't from his world.

[Wow this is a long speech. Willow stares. ... She thought she rambled.

It made her burst into delayed-reaction giggles, trying to hide it futilely behind one hand.] I've heard of worse ways to get together with someone, believe me. I'm guessing it worked out for you in the end, if you have something to complain about?

--But yeah, that's how we got talking. She was a little skeptical that I wasn't crazy, but I think I've convinced her. She wanted to try learning some defensive magic, too.

No, please by all means, laugh out loud; it validates my behavior. [Smirk. Okay, she wasn't so bad.]

Just defensive? I'm surprised he - she, fuck, sorry, whatever - doesn't want to learn how to magically open people up or something.

I wouldn't say it validates it... but it is funny.

I'd have to know how to do that in order to teach it to her, which, I don't. I'm sure I could hypothetically cut them open, [and her expression gets slightly grossed out here,] but not to any degree of medical safety. Defensive it'll have to be.

Don't tell her you could do it even hypothetically otherwise she'll probably want you to experiment with that a bit and try it out.

And based on your expression, you don't want that any more than the general populace does.

I think I can enforce my own refusal well enough, [she says dryly.] I'm not worried, it's just icky to think about.

But aside from alternate universe shenanigans! Want me to show you around? First, you have to have oatmeal.

Oatmeal? Is that some weird witchy ritual or something?

Weird ritual, yes, witchy no. It's a tower thing. You have to have oatmeal before you can eat anything else-- not really sure why, haven't tested it.

I'd offer to test it for you, but I've done the whole Dr. Guinea Pig thing and it reeeally loses it's appeal after a while. So yeah, uh. Breakfast time?

Yeah, that's sort of why I haven't tested it. Morality tends to frown on human experimentation.

So, breakfast! This way? [leaaaading in the right direction now]

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