towerofanimus | Glamour Failure

[Claudia isn't expecting to be called out to, but she recognizes the voice at once. It's enough to break her from her thoughts of where to go first, and she automatically turns.]

Kariya?

[It's hard to tell, given the way their (illusion of) flesh has been stripped away, but her posture is more severe than normal. Her cooler tone of voice, at least, is less ambiguous.]

To be frank, [and her tone is blunt] I don't think there's much you can do to help most people.

Claudia?

[He looks at the green light, and with it so obvious, making up so much of them, he wonders why her light is green and his is blue. What's the difference between them?

At her words, he feels foolish, but he answers her nonetheless. Her voice is firm, but his own is, too. He's stronger now. The worms no longer fog his thoughts. He should use his strength for others.]

I know what it's like to feel alone and afraid. No one should have to be alone.

[He remembers lying on the floor as the worms moved through him, left on his own for endless hours. No one had come for him. No one had cared.]

It's not much, but it helps a little.

[It wouldn't have saved him, but it would have made him feel a little better, if someone had come with a kind word, to take his hand, to say his name, to keep him company.]

I won't deny that. I'm sorry—I didn't mean to discount that. [And she does feel guilty, even if only dimly right now.] I'm sure others will be grateful for it.

I'm fine, though. [She isn't really, and she knows she'll cry later, but for now—] I'm going to go see if there's anything else to be found while things are like this.

[Which means she doesn't want to waste much time. She doesn't know how long things will be this way, after all.]

You don't have to apologize. You're right, there isn't very much anyone can do. [Not that that will stop him from trying.] But we have to do what we can.

Are you sure? [Kariya's unwilling to believe that anyone can be fine at a time like this. His own condition might have improved, but he's not fine by any means.]

You're going to investigate? Do you need any help?

You're right. [She nods slightly.] I'll cry later, but I'm all right for now. You don't need to worry about me. [She tells him this honestly, because there's no point in lying. This isn't the kind of thing someone can just shrug off as though it were nothing.] And what about you?

I am. I— I wouldn't mind having another person with me, but you don't need to go. If things are dangerous...

[Well, it's better if she's the only one to be hurt.]

Of course I'm worried about you. [Nothing she says is going to change that fact.] I want you to be okay. I'm fine.

I'm not afraid of danger. [Probably he should be, as it's not as if he has any way to defend himself, but he says this with sincerity, however absurd the sentiment might be.] I'm free.

[It had taken this terrible place to free him. No worms, no magecraft, all ties with his family severed. It's what he'd always wanted. This is new and terrible, but a burden has been lifted from him, and he's sure he can deal with this. What can they do to him that's worse than what had been done before? His pain made him stronger.]

Let me help you.

[The way he responds to her attempt to brush aside his concern strikes her, even as numb as she feels now. She's reminded of why she's glad to have him as her ally.]

I want both of us to be okay. It would be nice if everyone could be okay, but—

[Maybe his lack of fear ridiculous, but she can't tell him to feel otherwise. She feels the same. The danger of pain or death— What did any of that matter anymore?]

You're free?

All right. I'm not sure where to start.

[He nods.] If we stay together, we'll be okay. [It might not be true, but it's better than being alone, isn't it?]

I want everyone to be okay, too. [They feel the same about these things.] Maybe there's something we can do. [As to what, that he doesn't know.]

The worms are gone. And my magecraft. [He's free from pain, and he can walk and think. He's not even a Matou, without flesh and blood but only a soul. He's just himself.] I feel like I used to. [Before anything had happened. Before his training, before the War, before the Tower. He feels stronger, more confident.]

Is the elevator working? If not, we'll have to use the stairs.

Maybe. [She feels herself smile, not that it means much like this.] We can lean on each other. We'll do everything we can.

Oh. [The word is barely audible. She steps closer to him, then, unthinkingly reaching out to take both of his hands in her own. Even if their bodies are really like this, she has already squeezed his hands with hers and released them by the time it occurs to her that it might be strange to touch him now.] I'm happy for you.

I don't know. Maybe it would be better to start from the top, anyway.

That's right. We'll do what we can.

[He looks down at her hands--strange as they are, they're still her hands, and this is still her--in surprise, when they take his. Once she's pulled away again, he's silent for a moment, then he smiles briefly. He can't blush like this, but he might, if he could.] I probably shouldn't be happy when everyone else is so upset, but I am glad.

That's true. We can go down floor by floor. It'll be the best way to cover ground.

[He pauses, unsure.]

There's nothing I can do against monsters, if they're still there.

[He doesn't have any weapons or fighting experience, and without the worms, he's defenseless, not that he misses them.]

If you aren't in pain now, I'm glad. I don't think that's wrong.

[She probably can't understand the pain caused by worms, but she can empathize with the desire to be rid of it, at least. If, years ago, her failing body had suddenly been healed all at once...]

I know. I can't, either. That's why I was going to go alone.

Thank you.

[Though if things go back to how they were before, will the worms and his infirmity return? He should want things to go back, for everyone's good, but...]

No, that's all the more reason you should have someone with you. You won't be going alone.

[He might not be able to fight, but he'll do something. He can't let her go by herself and be hurt.]

We'll think of something.

[He's not the greatest planner.]

Let's go. [After a moment's hesitation, he takes her arm.]

I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me. That's all.

[Better to suffer alone than to cause someone to suffer along with her—or, even worse, in her stead. But she doesn't want to waste too much time, so she doesn't argue with him. If he's stubborn, she'll just have to protect him. She won't be too much of a coward to lay down her life for someone she cares about, this time.]

[When he takes her arm, she doesn't protest. His touch doesn't bother her, so she sets a hand over his.]

Yes.

[She starts toward the stairs.]

[He's worried, but he couldn't let her go alone. What choice does he have? He can't exactly stop her, and she seems so determined.]

It's my choice.

[He's glad when she leaves her arm in his. She's always so nice to him. He wants to do everything he can to help her. He'll stay by her side.

As they walk, he turns to smile at her, still trying to deal with the unreality of her current appearance. It's confusing dealing with people this way, when they look so alien. But he hopes his smile communicates itself somehow. He keeps talking, because it makes him feel better, makes this seem more normal, reminds him that he's human.]

When I was little, I always used to wish I could go on an adventure to an alien world, like in a science fiction manga...

[He'd wanted to go out in space, far away from everyone else.]

And somehow it happened. But adventures really aren't what you think they'll be like when you're a child.

[He has learned about adventures the hard way.]

[She can't exactly empathize with what he tells her, but she listens anyway, happy to speak with him as though this were just a normal conversation. She likes to hear what he has to say, and it helps to keep her anchored, her mind off the emotions she is trying to suppress. If she just closed her eyes... She doesn't do so, but she keeps her focus on the sound of his voice and the feel of his arm through hers, rather than the sights bared all around her.]

[That's not the kind of adventure she ever thought about as a child, or the kind of story she read. She read her Bible and books of saints and thought about the work she knew she would do for the Church—the work she had always known she would do, back to her earliest memories.]

[When she replies, she does so bluntly.]

Most things aren't. [Serving God is full of trials. Marriages don't make people happy.]

[After her blunt reply, he's silent for a moment, but he's simply thinking it over. Some part of him is still that boy, dreaming of the stars and the soil of a distant planet. Maybe he never learned. He shakes his head.]

Some things are. Children are very perceptive. They have dreams, but they understand reality, too. Sometimes better than adults.

Even when I was a child, I knew what my family was like.

[The night terrors, the cold sweats, the strange shapes of shadows, and the sounds from the basement.]

This place reminds me of home. I used to think being in space would be different. I guess that's how I was wrong. You can't run away. That's what I have to realize.

[He laughs, suddenly, the sound slightly nervous as he holds her arm more tightly.]

I should talk about something more cheerful, shouldn't I? Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up...

[At the sound of his laugh, she reaches up to touch his arm again, squeezing what should be his skin but isn't. It's a comforting gesture. She can feel the way he holds her more tightly.]

You don't need to apologize. [What is there that's more cheerful to talk about? Maybe another time. For now, she tells him:] I never wanted to run away, even though I knew serving the Church would mean being in pain. I was happy, even when it hurt, because I was serving God in a way that only a few people are able. But the older I've gotten, the more complicated things have become. That's all I meant.

[Kariya sighs.]

I must not have learned my lesson yet, because I think you should have run away. A little girl shouldn't have to live in pain.

[It doesn't matter if it's God or Zouken who's responsible. Of course, he doesn't believe in God, but this isn't the time to bring that up, if he ever does.]

I did run away. I ran away from everything. Until the War. I guess I was a coward.

Everything does get more complicated, when you're older. I never would have dreamed of the things that would happen, when I was young.

[They'd all been awful things. Maybe he shouldn't have run away, or maybe he should have run farther. No--it was right to come back and help Sakura. He can't stop believing that.]

I wouldn't change what I did. My pain saved other people, and it was by my choice. I told you, I never wanted to run.

[Not even when her pain was close to killing her.]

You're just human. You're doing the right thing now, even though it's so difficult. [She sounds earnest as she says:] I think you're very brave.

I can understand that. I wouldn't go back and change what I did, even if it caused me pain, because it was for Sakura. I did it because I had to.

[He laughs again, but gently, a fondness in the sound.]

You remind me of Aoi sometimes. You know just what to say to me. She used to make me feel better when I was upset, when I was little.

Thank you. I don't feel brave. But I'll keep trying.

I'm just telling you how I feel. But if it's made you feel better, then I'm glad.

[She does want him to be happy, as much as he can be now.]

[She doesn't point out that he's the one refusing to let her go alone, even though he might be hurt by doing so. Instead, she just squeezes his arm again—and begins to lead him down the stairs.]

It did. You're so kind.

[He squeezes back, staying at her side as they begin to make their way down the stairs.]

I'm so glad I was able to meet you. I never would have, if not for this place, so I can't hate it. I've met so many good people here, and I'm lucky. I'd only have lived a week or two, back home.

I just hope everyone will be all right. [He worries.]

[She can't help herself. She smiles, even if she isn't sure how something like that looks on her own face anymore, because that makes her happy to hear even now.]

I'm glad for it, too. Even if I met you in my own world, I— I'm happy we could meet here, and I'm happy that I've gotten to know you better. [And that he likes her so. She knows what it's like to suddenly have far more time than you thought you would, too, so she finds herself saying:] It's amazing, isn't it? Even though things are so horrible sometimes...

I truly hope they will be. They can't afford not to be, in a place like this.

[It makes him feel happy to hear that, even in the midst of all this. He can still be happy. It's strange how this terrible place is actually better than his real life, back home.]

You really are so kind. That other me is lucky. I hope you're able to go back and help him. [Although that means he won't be able to see her anymore. And that's sad.] Though I'd miss you.

It is amazing. It just shows that good things can happen anywhere, even in the worst places.

I hope Rin and Sakura are all right. And Shinji. I'll have to look for them later.

[He pauses on the stairs, at the entrance to a floor.]

Should we try this one?

Oh, I... Thank you. I just... I tried to do what I thought was the right thing, that's all. [There's the impulse to lean up and kiss his cheek, but doing something like that would be so strange when neither of them have a face, so she pulls her arm from his and takes his hand instead, squeezing it to show her affection.] I told you, I don't know how much help I'll really be, but... If I can, I intend to see my decisions through to the end. I'll do whatever I can for that you.

It won't really be the same if I'm able to go back, because won't have shared this. So, I'll miss you, too. But... I can't complain, as long as I'm allowed to keep these memories.

[She stops when he does, regarding the door. She feels her expression sober, even if that shift in her demeanor would be difficult to determine from an outsider's view now.]

I don't see why not.

[She does feel some nervousness now, but she can't allow that to stop her. Seeing if there's anything else to be found— That's the most important thing right now.]

Shall we?

Glamour Failure

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I decided to use this account temporarily

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ha ha are they going to get killed by monsters, oh no...

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oops I'm too lazy to change journals again

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