towerofanimus | Glamour Failure

[ He had his moment of panic. A very brief, yet painful moment of realization that everything (including himself) is a lie. However, surprisingly, it didn't last for long. All the excitement was quick to fade away and instead he felt awfully numb.

It's all a lie. It was almost predictable, but it still hurt like fuck. And for the very first time, ever since his arrival to the tower, Tavros wanted to leave. Despite the horrifying experiments, he found his stay in this tower is somewhat tolerable. Yeah, call him crazy, but he didn't mind this place at all. But now? The admins managed to take that away from him. It's about time.

Still a little shaky, Tavros settled on the ground with his back pressed against the wall. He didn't know what to do. He didn't feel like doing anything. Nothing is left other than to feel so fucking sorry for himself. ]

[While it was hard to tell people apart in this place, that wasn't going to stop Tohko from trying to help calm down the residents. After all..when it seemed like there was nothing to believe in, you had to find something that was true. That's what Dax had told them to do, and Tohko had done it.

It was now up to her to make sure that everyone else did so, despite the circumstances. Despite her appearance, despite the truth. So, when she saw a person sitting on the ground, Tohko sat next to them and tried to pat them on the head.]

..I know this seems terrible..but you know, not all hope is lost. I'm sure not everything is horrible, despite these changes.

[ He recognized that voice, and the familiar touch. It brought a smile to his face, but it didn't linger. He didn't want to disappoint Tohko and brush her off. No, that's the last thing he wants to do to her, but it was so hard to take in those words and feel good about it. He felt pretty shitty, and it was so fucking pathetic. He really didn't want to feel this way.

He lets out an awkward laugh, pressing what appears to be his fingers against his face, keeping his head low because-- well, even if he felt awful it didn't mean he won't enjoy her company. ]

Oh, man. I really want to believe you, but this is a whole new level of hoofbeast shit, and ... I don't think I'm strong enough to handle it ...

[Brushing her off wouldn't have disappointed her. It would have been a normal reaction, and Tohko would have understood. At those words though, Tohko sighed.]

I know how you feel. This is pretty terrible, and I don't think anyone was expecting it. However..you are strong enough to handle this. I know you are! Even if you don't feel like it right now, I'm sure you'll pull through. Just find something that you still know to be true and hold onto it. Keep on running, like Melos.

[ Why are you so nice?! Tavros didn't know how to process all those kind and encouraging sentiments, and his brain is literally malfunctioning. Trolls are weird. Trolls can't handle raging emotions when they are in panic mode. You're killing him, Tohko.

Between juggling his emotions and trying to form words that didn't make him sound like a complete loser, Tavros decided to take a safe round and ask a question instead. ]

W-Who's Melos? It sounds like a person, and that's why I asked about it ...

[ Smooth. ]

[Because that's how Tohko was when crisis came knocking and people panicked. When others needed help, she would try to shove past her own fears and help them out.

However, sadly, Tohko didn't know enough about these trolls to know that her statements were really weird and probably not that helpful. At the question, Tohko smiled.]

He's the main character from the story Run, Melos! by Osamu Dazai. In the story, Melos goes to the market of a nearby kingdom to buy a gift for his sisters wedding. However, when he hears that the king of the town is unjust and corrupt, his sense of justice is ignited, and he tries to break into the castle to kill the king. However, Melos is easily caught, and sentenced to death.

Melos, wanting to see his sister be married before he dies, makes a bargain with the king. He can see his sister be married off, since the wedding will be tomorrow, but if he doesn't get back in town the day after, his best friend will be killed. And so, Melos takes off, runs all the way to his hometown, catches his breath at the wedding, and then starts his return run. But, after awhile, he got sweaty and decided to take a dip in the nearby stream. However, while he was waiting for his clothes to dry, he fell asleep, and when he woke up, the sun was starting to set.

Not even bothering to get dressed, Melos hurried, hoping that he would be in time to save his best friend, hoping that he wouldn't die. He ran buck naked into the kingdom to find that they were just setting up the execution ring for his friend. His act of friendship is so moving that the king completely turns over a new leaf.

[ He loved stories. He loved reading and listening to stories. If this kid had anything special in him, it would be his colorful imagination. It was so easy to forget about his surroundings for a moment there, simply listening to the girl as she spoke.

There were times where Tavros was confused, the slight tilt of his head was a clear indication, but he didn't dare to interrupt. By the time the story ended, he took a few seconds to process the whole thing. ]

Okay, I kinda like his loyalty and bravery, but-- I guess it was pretty stupid of him to stand up against a king all by himself! Don't you think?

[ It was pretty hypocritical of Tavros to say such a thing, considering his own death, and how he went out against a powerful godtier in hope of protecting his friends. He knew he was going to die, and I guess Melos felt the same way in some point, but it was still worth the effort. ]

[Tohko wasn't a book girl for show. When reading, she could forget that she was standing close enough to kiss someone, and it was common for her to interpret literature a bit different than others sometimes if the different interpretation was accurate and would help them. At the question, she smiled.

She had often thought that when she was a bit younger. After reading a bit..she understood the reason.]

It may have been a little foolish of him..but Melos was so concerned about his countrymen and his sense of justice was so high that he didn't really care or think about the consequences of his failure. He just wanted to try and do the right thing.

[ He stayed quiet for a long time before muttering. ]

What is the ... right thing to do?

[ The hesitation in his tone was rather obvious, as if he wasn't allowed to ask this girl such a question. It wasn't her responsibility to guide him, but he was completely lost to the point he didn't even mind sharing his burden with others. Selfish, yes, but he also trusted her for some reason. ]

Where do we go from now?

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[It's literally impossible to mistake that brownblood for anyone else, due completely to his giant horns. So after wandering around aimlessly for hours, with an expression that could best be approximated as "broken numb", there's a rather tall wire figure approaching the curled-up troll.]

Tavros.

[It's a whine, a pathetic whine, and -- as if walking over here took up all the energy Equius could muster -- he slumps against the wall and stares blankly at Tavros afterwards.]

[ He looks up when he heard his name, staring at the weird figure in front of him. It took him a while to inspect those horns, and when he did-- he felt a bit comforted. ]

Eq. Hey, brother. Are ... you okay?

[ Stupidest question ever. Of course he's not okay. Nothing about this situation is fucking okay! Still, some people seemed to be handling it better than others, and he hoped that Equius is one of the lucky ones. He really hoped he didn't feel nearly as shitty as he was feeling right now. ]

No.

[He doesn't even bother to hide it as he slides down next to Tavros. He's clearly not doing well at all, and if Tavros thought that Equius was going to be somebody that took this nicely, he was either way too optimistic or way too dumb to live.]

Is your batshit matesprit around, because I don't want to deal with him right now.

Relax. He's not here. I don't even know where he is, to be honest.

[ He watched as Equius settled beside him, moving to shuffle a little closer as well. When he looks at him again, he speaks in the most miserable tone you'll ever hear in your life. ]

He's not that bad, my friend. Just a little crazy.

The way he treats you and the way he treats me are two very different beasts, Tavros.

[But let's not talk about Gamzee right now. Let's talk about something else instead. Such as... there's really nothing to talk about right now is there?]

[Deep breaths.]

...So.

What do you think about the glowing things? [The ones in their chest, obviously; 'spirits'.]

I know, bro. I'm sorry for that.

[ His tone was almost sympathetic, maybe a bit disappointed as well. He kinda hoped they would stop this weird-hate relationship. It's 'weird' only because they didn't share any black feelings for each other, or maybe they do! Who knows?

Now, back to their miserable situation, Tavros shrugged his shoulders and sighed. ]

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but, uh, I was one of the people who managed to go beyond the admin's elevator. It was me, Gamzee, Feferi and Meiling. We watched how they extract our 'souls' and then put it back into a body that looked exactly like our own, except it wasn't.

It's ... complicated, but looking at our situation right now, it makes sense. Ya' feel me?

Yeah, I do.

[He feels ya, bro, and looking down at the thing in his chest...]

...So these little glowing balls are our sentience. And they can be moved from one body to another, no matter what happens.

[Shit's getting zen.]

Do you think they've ever lost anyone's soul?

It's very possible.

[ Ugh, this is gross. Everything felt so gross right now. He really didn't want to remember that experience at all. ]

They're not really as organized as they should be, to be honest. It's only a matter of time before everything explodes or malfunction around here.

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geometry - 2013-06-17 22:10 (UTC) - Expand

[Just as he'd been recognized so many times because of his horns, spotting Tavros was not as difficult as it could have been. Gamzee had gone through this before. The catastrophe checklist, that is. He swiftly ran through every floor, scouting for anything out of the ordinary, anything to help wrap his mind around the situation better, checking out everyone else's reactions and organizing his thoughts at the same time.]

[And always, always on his mind - find Tavros.]

[If this boy was anything, it was consistent. Dependable. It was something Gamzee was not, and he loved him for being exactly his opposite in the ways where it counted. Tavros would be tucked away somewhere, preserving himself and attempting to keep it together. That's exactly where Gamzee found him, against a wall, unmoving.]

[Quickly, he hoped to all things dark and holy that Tavros was still alive. Whatever 'alive' was. Still functional, at least. He made a beeline straight to the wire form, running his metallic hands along the surface of them that used to be so receptive to his touch. Shortly after, he attempted to look him in the face, or wherever his face would normally be.]

Brother... let a motherfucker at knowing what you all still be kickin', here.

[ The first and last person he wanted to see right now.

It was a lot to process, this situation and the raging emotions that followed after taking in their bitter reality. It was all an illusion. Like some sick, twisted joke. And-- he couldn't do anything about it. So, yeah. He's not going to make a big scene. He's not going to cry, get angry, flip tables or get all violent and hurt others. There's no point of reacting at all, and that's the most painful part! You're confronted with this shit and you have no other option but to accept it. Lick your wounds and deal with it. He can't do anything to change this, or make anyone feel better.

He is completely helpless.

The best he can do is keep it all in, be as calm as he could, and maybe-- just maybe, people will start calming down as well.

When facing Gamzee, though, it was a different story. Just staring at those odd wires, and how he looked nothing like his best brother is alarming. It terrified Tavros. ]

Still kickin'. [ He barely breathed out. ] ... Are you okay, Gamzee?

'M fine.

[At once, he started trying to lift the other boy from his position on the floor, tugging at his metallic arms and filmy hands to lift him from the ground.]

Let's fuckin' go, motherfucker. Ain't nothin' good what's can be all comin' from parking our fuckin' asses on the damn floor, you dig?

[He was irritated and in a hurry, tugging at Tavros with little regard for the boy's own feelings.]

[ He allowed Gamzee to pull him up, but he won't take it any further. He held his ground, tugging back and finally breaking free from Gamzee's grasp. It wasn't a dramatic act of resistance or anything, he just ... didn't feel like going. Simple as that. ]

Gam. I can't do this. Not today, okay?

[ He really loved how driven and motivated Gamzee can be at certain situation, mainly the ones that required that sort of reaction, but Tavros couldn't keep up with him. It was shameful and fucking weak, but he didn't even care at this point. ]

I'm really sorry, my brother. I just ... can't.

[It was a moment before Gamzee had realized Tavros had pulled himself from his grip. He was looking ahead and scouting down the halls and generally just lost in his own mind, like he was most of the time anyway. The hand that was previously gripping the boy's wrist grabbed at the air a few times in vain, and Gamzee finally had to stop what he was doing to turn his head in a bit of mixed irritation and confusion.]

[Tavros had backed away from him. The first words out of his mouth were going to be "What the fuck are you doing!?", but Tavros was able to speak before him, and thus, shut him up quite quickly.]

[There was a pause before Gamzee dropped the arm that was still reaching out for the boy, and his shoulders followed suit. He breathed the tension out of his body in a deep exhale, looking the brownblood (or what used to be the brownblood) over.]

[Tavros and he had always been on the same wavelength, most of the time. They were pretty easy-going, fun-loving boys who bounced jokes and rhymes off of each other all of the time. They'd both changed a lot, and while they grew a little bit in different directions, deep down, they still had those childish, symmetrical components. Tavros had always been a little more reserved, a little more logical. He wasn't weak by any means... just careful. Cautious, and careful, and he put a lot of thought into self-preservation. It's why Gamzee worried about him so. With all of this faffing about, concealing himself and shielding himself, he was never going to actually get himself out of harm's way.]

[But, Gamzee had to give in. He couldn't push Tavros when the boy was actually putting his foot down. Gamzee was controlling, and pushy, and quite dominant when he wanted to be, but he still loved him, and right now, he could spare the time to do things Tavros' way.]

You motherfuckin' can, brother.

[He sighed again, moving closer to Tavros' wire frame and clinking his arms around those broad shoulders.]

'Cause all I'm gonna fuckin' being to do it with you, you know?

[He pressed their filmy foreheads together, the glow of his microchip against the dull metal of Tavros' wire.]

Hang all yourself up and on to me, bro. I won't let motherfucking nothing hurt you.

We can all be fuckin' staying here for a little bit, if you want.

No. No, I can't. Not anymore, Gamzee.

[ It was rather difficult to explain himself, and he hoped by reflecting some calm and composure, he would send his message across without any arguments. Truth is, he's not reacting out of impulse, or raging emotions. He had his moment to go through all of this, and then it was followed by silence and lots of consideration. He studied his options here, and ever so selfishly, he had to react to his own interest. He had to give up if he wanted to keep his sanity in this place. He didn't see any other way.

He guides his hands up Gamzee's back, bringing their bodies closer. His breathing was uneven and a bit rough, but otherwise Tavros didn't show any other signs of distress. ]

You have a plan, I'm guessing? Or maybe you don't. But, I know you have the urge to do something about this situation, and I love this quality in you.

I love the fact that nothing can break you ...

[ He shifts with his feet, hunching over a bit so he can pull Gamzee against his chest, wrapping his arms around his slim figure. It was a strong and a continues embrace, and he never once eased his hold. ]

Stay with me for a few minutes, and then you can do whatever you want. I won't stop you, okay? But, for now, stay.

[Since he first went completely sober, Gamzee had had a problem sitting still. He used to be able to stay in the same position for hours on end, thinking about nothing and not even noticing the extreme lapse of time. Now, however, sitting idly meant dwelling, and dwelling meant fretting, and fretting was so unpleasant to him that he had to keep moving, keep looking forward. Only certain times did he feel a need to sit and ponder, and that was more to process, rather than reflect. He took breaks on his own time, and when something so monumental was taking place was definitely not a time he would have chosen to take a fucking break.]

[However... he was tired. And he sort of expected this reaction from Tavros as soon as he set out to find him. Admitting there was nothing to do now would be giving in, if only a little, to the thought that they were helpless and unsaveable. He didn't want to be worthless, or helpless. He'd stay, but he couldn't stay without making his point heard.]

I ain't got no fuckin' plan in my nug. Ain't much never be having one, really.

[Small body movements were lost in this state, so it would probably be hard to tell that Gamzee enjoyed the physical affection very much, because he didn't really show it outwardly. His body shrunk into Tavros' hold minutely, but that was the only difference.]

Mostly that... if you ain't motherfucking moving, you're motherfucking dead, is what I all feel in my god damn bones. Or, what the fuck ever hell's mirth be fuckin' makin' us up of at the wicked moment.

[He laughed dryly.]

Sittin' around waitin' on something to motherfuckin' come in and save you ain't gonna get you nothin' but a whole lot of wasted mother fucking time.

[He chuckled as he spat those words out.]

But, sittin' and waitin' for nothing don't seem so motherfuckin' bad when I all think of doin' it with you.

[ Tavros didn't know what to say. A part of him wanted to be honest with Gamzee and give him a good taste of their reality. There is no fucking point in doing anything in this place, and while he enjoyed pretending he had some little power to make a difference around here, it was time to fucking wake up.

Another reality to keep in mind: He loves this troll so much. He couldn't bring himself to be this negative when Gamzee is trying so hard to make the best out of this situation. ]

It's not a waste of time, my brother. It's taking a moment to catch your breath, that's all. I need-

I just need to catch my breath.

[ He keeps his head low, pressing his face against the curve of Gamzee's neck, his arms move desperately for a better hold around his matesprit. ]

I'm just tired of all of this, Gamzee. I want to go home. I miss home. I miss us. I miss my hive, my games, my friends. I miss everyone ...

[ He shakes his head and cursed under his breath. He takes a few seconds to accumulate his thoughts before speaking. ]

What I'm trying to say is-- I'm scared. But, that's not your burden. I just want to selfishly enjoy my matesprit a little longer before I can let go.

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hystericull - 2013-06-11 04:59 (UTC) - Expand

Glamour Failure

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